Don’t Believe The Lie! Men Want to Get Married Too

46 comments
November 28, 2012 ‐ By Alissa Henry
"Man proposing"

Source: Shutterstock

“Believe it or not, modern women want to get married. Trouble is, men don’t.”

Just in time for proposal season (the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day when the majority of marriage proposals happen), author Suzanne Venker penned a controversial “The War on Men” piece for FoxNews.com. Mrs. Venker wrote that men don’t want to get married. Why? Because women are educated, employed, angry and simply “not women anymore”.

Despite having married two men herself –and thus disproving her own point, Venker came to this conclusion after reading the results of a Pew Research Center study:

According to Pew Research Center, the share of women ages eighteen to thirty-four that say having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives rose nine percentage points since 1997 – from 28 percent to 37 percent. For men, the opposite occurred. The share voicing this opinion dropped, from 35 percent to 29 percent.

These statistics do not necessarily support her conclusion because to properly interpret the answers, you have to first know the questions and it isn’t clear what other options were given. Also, eighteen-year-old men have very different priorities than 34-year-old men. It’s fair to say that 18 and 19 year old men aren’t prioritizing marriage, but it’s not fair to let their nonchalance toward the union speak for the entire gender. In my case, my husband was 36 when we tied the knot, so his priorities are probably much different now than when he was 34 and certainly different than when he was 24.

Granted, that’s my own experience, but still reason enough for me to cue VPOTUS Joe Biden and write off Mrs. Venker’s declaration as “a bunch of malarkey.”

Unfortunately, this isn’t some rare stroke of absurdity.  For years, people have been tossing a blanket over an entire gender insisting that men don’t want to get married.

I just don’t get that though. How did men — who post grand proposal videos on YouTube, help plan their nuptials more than ever before, and eagerly costar in elaborate televised weddings — get the reputation for not wanting to get married?

And if men don’t want to get married then who is the handsome guy in the tux standing next to me at the altar in my wedding photos?

Who is the person who texted me recently asking for tips on proposing to his girlfriend?

Who is this acquaintance constantly flooding my Facebook news feed with photo albums of his “beautiful wife”?

Who are all of the grooms included in the 2.3 million couples that wed every year in the US? (That breaks down to nearly 6,200 men getting married per day.)

They’re men. All of whom are either happily married or wanting to get married.

Why then, despite clear evidence to the contrary, are men still accused of not wanting to exchange vows with the women they love?

I believe this narrative persists because it’s the starting point for the big business of teaching single women that they need to convince men to marry them.

Entire books, television show specials, movies, magazine articles, blogs, church sermons and Twitter careers are founded on this notion that women need to trick men into wanting to marry them. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating:  Single women are told they’re destined to be alone unless – of course –  they learn to cook, practice yoga, have sex on the first date, remain a virgin until marriage, pay off all debt, stop being dependent, guard against being independent, stop cursing, start drinking, read the newspaper every day, rock their natural hair, wear a 18-inch Indian Remy, grow a booty, lose their boobs, gain weight, drop weight, get their nails done every week, go to church, don’t go to church, keep their cars clean, dance like Beyonce, dress like Kim Kardashian, volunteer, travel the world, speak a new language, remain committed to the ‘hood we grew up in, get a degree, watch sports, date interracially, remain loyal to black men, pick up a hobby, shun ambition, be ambitious…or as Mrs Venker helpfully suggested “surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs.”

The truth is, there is no trick because men do want to get married and many people who say otherwise are probably doing so to further their personal, financial agendas. In Suzanne Venker’s case, she has her next book to sell, aptly titled: How to Choose a Husband (and Make Peace With Marriage). And as Mrs. Verkner knows, if you’re going to sell tips on making peace, then you’ve first got to insist we’re at war.

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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  • WhySays

    there are many of us very serious straight men that would certainly love to get married, but most of the women nowadays are not looking to get married since they have a need to date so many men at one time and can’t commit to just only one.

  • VeryRight

    there are certainly not that many good women anymore like we had years ago, and they were certainly much more committed to their men at one time. today it is the women that cheat much more than men do, and they are certainly the reason why the divorce rate is so very high nowadays. i was married at one time myself before my wife cheated on me, and meeting a good honest woman again is very hard now for me. there are many of us straight men that hate going out all the time, and many women today have a very bad attitude problem and play hard to get. if i could meet the right woman again for me, i certainly would like to get married too. but now going out all the time sucks, especially wasting the time, money, gas, ware and tare on the car, and going to all the wrong places instead of the right one place to go too. we need much more women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed around again, and they were very committed to their men that didn’t make a lot of money either.

  • ekaneti

    No we dont want to get married.

  • Taylor Lea Thomas

    A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers.

  • Vandellish

    I just want to find the right person to share my life with. I could give a shyt about a piece of paper or the State’s take on our relationship.

    But I’m not religious so the piece of paper doesn’t mean much to my type.

  • TruthBTold

    I hope you all rot in hell you horrible people.

  • JettMane

    oh my god you couldn’t be more right, it’s all about respect.

  • gmarie

    actions>words

  • Alohilani

    I don’t doubt that there are men who want to get married.

  • Candacey Doris

    Men want to get married. They just have to fin the one they want to o it with. If they’re not ready, it’s not happening. Like i told my friend, he wants to get married, he just doesn’t want to get married to YOU. If he’s stalling and you’re ready, find someone who is ready too.

  • CarlaKah

    I LOL when I hear men insist men don’t want to get married, men get a woman when they want one etc. For every woman yelling negative stuff while wanting love there is at least 0.75 of a man elsewhere doing the same thing. If only online dating was mandatory for one year… a lot of people would finally smile again….

  • UmmYeahOK

    Yes men want to get married, but typically they’re not black men. Of all the black men I know in their 30s and 40s I’d say about 15-20% are married. Take the same number of comparable white men holding all attributing factors constant (age, family background, education, etc.), I GUARANTEE you the majority or at minimum 50% will be married or have been married. Most of the men I know have come from pretty good backgrounds, many had both parents in the home, they’re educated and professionally successful. They just don’t see how marriage benefits them. They don’t want to have to share their space and money and they certainly want to cheat without any real consequences. It’s sad, but true.

    • Candacey Doris

      Don’t compare any race to another when talking about marriage. If you compare white men to middle eastern men they look like they don’t want to get married either. Just say that men all take their own time. And some never find the one that makes them want to walk down that aisle. Like you said, if a man doesn’t see how it benefits him, it’s not going to happen.

      • Alohilani

        So, she should change what she said so that you can then agree with her?

        She’s right about what she said.

        • Candacey Doris

          Not at all. Just that you can’t compare people of different races/cultures equitably. Always comparing black men to white men isn’t fair to anyone. I don’t feel that she’s right, but that’s your opinion and hers.

          • Alohilani

            “But that’s your opinion and hers” – It’s always funny when people say things like this. Like, whose else opinion would it be?

    • Alohilani

      I have one particular Black male acquaintance who has wanted to date me. He has asked me if I had kids or a boyfriend. Not once did he ask, “Are you married?”

  • DoinMe

    All of this relationship stuff is big business and if people keep listening to it, they’ll miss out. Men might say they don’t want to get married. That is, until they meet the woman who sweeps them off of their feet. All of us say one thing, but until it presents itself, sometimes we don’t for sure. What I find most funny about all of this advice out here is that most of it comes from people who have had failed relationships or never been married in the 1st place.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      I agree for the most part. The problem comes when a woman thinks she’s “the woman who sweeps them off of their feet” when in reality she’s a placeholder, something to do until he gets his paper and life right to step to the woman he really wants to marry.

  • JettMane

    as a man i won’t be getting married until the law stops making it so easy for women to divorce and take half my hard earned money.

    • yeppers

      Sweetheart I work a 9-5 and own my own company and drive a Benz on my dime. These archaic ideas that women are going to come to you with nothing but the shoes on our feet and need to be taken care of by you are ignorance. Any man that gets with me will be signing a prenup himself. Everyone works hard for their money NOT JUST MEN. So unless u have taken a time travel from the 50s u can keep that to yourself. If u would look for a woman that has something for herself and decipher her intentions early in a relationship then u might not feel like someone is marrying you to take your hard earned 7.25 an hour. But Im sleep tho.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        You wrong for that! LMAO!

      • JettMane

        Women with money aren’t good wives, i prefer my women dependent on me, she can work but i must have the largest income, women with less money are better, at least until you marry them, prenups should be mandatory.

        • yeppers

          Thats all well and fine for your life. Id rather make millions and me AND MY HUSBAND live the good life…If you want to live check to check on a minimum wage job just so u can have more than your wife (WHOSE INCOME CAN POSSIBLY MAKE LIFE MORE COMFORTABLE) then go right ahead hunny. DO YOU. Personally Id rather sail the Mediterranean with my husband knowing its paid for by OUR INCOME, than sit in your 2 bedroom apartment all the days of my life WATCHING DAYS OF OUR LIVES because YOU CANT AFFORD IT.

          • HowTrue

            you should not brag, because whatever happens if you ever went broke?

        • JettMane

          typical shaming tactics won’t work on me, your insult is overused, got anything new?

    • Candacey Doris

      Stop blaming the law and get a prenup like everyone else. It’s not just for celebs, it’s for everyone that has money and wants to keep it.

    • Truth

      It’s always the broke a$$ dudes saying this…

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Men do want to get married to a woman they value. A lot more women would be married if they actually waited to have the official wife title before: having his kids, moving in with him, cooking cleaning and sexing like he’s your hubby. Why would he get married if he already has all the perks of marriage with the freedom to get gone whenever he wants?

    • yeppers

      Thank you…its so many people willing to do what married people do before actually GETTING MARRIED…that its not the case of not wanting to get married, its just that people dont value that institution anymore because most are so used to DOING what married people are supposed to be doing before the act. So most MEN are like…WHY I NEED A PIECE OF PAPER WE ALREADY GOT KIDS AND THE WHOLE NINE. blah blah. If we start requiring dating and marriage before being affording men all the advantages of a WIFE before marriage then maybe more would GET MARRIED to have a WIFE. But Im sleep tho.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Amen, Amen! Preach it.

        *waves church fan*

    • Jamescc

      This is true. The reasons why men don’t get married is because couples already act like married people. They have sex, live together, and sometimes have kids. So why would a man want to waste thousands on an engagement ring, then tens of thousands on a lavish wedding, and then possibly lose half his fortune in a divorce settlement, if he is already living the life of a married person? Just to get it written on paper? Doubt it. Women need to hold back and quite being so superficial/materialistic if they want a guy to settle with them.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        I think its women becoming “independent”. They lie to themselves and think “I love him we don’t need to be married” or “he’ll marry me after the 2nd 3rd kid and 12 years of shacking” back in the day women didn’t have that luxury. They knew that they had to hold out for the ring or face harsh criticism from their family/community and run the risk of raising that child alone on some menial waged job. Now women have the ‘freedom’ to be baby mommas with little to no social stigma

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      UMMM you’re reading a little too far into what I wrote. I’m not an advocate for Christian conservatism nor do I support “radical feminist Nazism” not to diverge too far off the subject or to entertain a thought process I do not support, the women’s liberation movement began under legitimate circumstances. Women getting their azzes kicked by their husband had little hope of escape as she had no education, no job skills, no support, and no means to provide for her or her children. That was wrong and had to change. An identically qualified and skilled woman not making half of what her male colleague made was wrong and still needs to be changed. A woman not having control over her own economical future or her reproductive organs had to change.

      So the basis of the women’s Lib movement came out about due to real and true grievances women throughout history faced. There is a consequence to every movement. Women, now being able to support themselves didn’t necessarily need a husband to support them. So those who do so do so for love and companionship, conversely which is why it is easier for said woman to file for divorce. In the African American community in particular, the woman have faired better in the employment and educational department than their male counterparts. Leaving many of the women to take on the role of provider, something historically black men did.

      As the provider she doesn’t have the docile subservient mindset of yore and a lower threshold for bullshyt. She might even reason why do I need to get married? So she lives with him, has his kids, and when that relationship ends she’s a single mother.

  • Cakester

    Men want to get married, when they want to get married. They don’t want to be head locked, drugged, and dragged down the aisle by some looney with a biological bomb ticking! When they want to get married, they will propose. Simple as that…

    • Nope

      Exactly. And ladies, it isn’t necessarily to you YOU either.

      • Cakester

        Right!!!!! Some women think the man needs “help” proposing so they get pregnant or run out and buy the ring themselves… again, when he’s ready, he’ll ask…

        • yeppers

          if a man is runnin around getting women pregnant without marrying them…and you sittin here getting pregnant to get married. Then he is a fool and you are an idiot and yall belong together….

          • Cakester

            My thought exactly!

  • TRUTH IS

    Of course they do. After they sow their oats, old and washed up. then they look for PYT…smh

    • yeppers

      As if we want them once they are the old fat dude in the club….or hanging outside the club. Hey come here girl….EWwwwwww…. Step off Grandpa. lol

  • Nikki

    I’ve pictured getting married since I was a little girl. My brother on the other hand is focused on sports, video games, and having fun. With the way he treats my mom and I, I know he’ll be an EXCELLENT husband.

    I think it’s just a frame of mind. Women tend to look for Mr. Right, while men will let Mrs. Right come to them.

  • Nope

    Women want to get/think about marriage in general, men want to get/think about marriage when and if the right woman for him comes along.

  • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

    plenty men do want to get married, just not to a succubus. this “unfair” standard unfortunately eliminates about 50% of women these days.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.f.vorhees Jason Fangz Vorhees

    of course men want to get married. but not until as late as possible! lol

  • IllyPhilly

    That whole study sounds like something Homer Simpson would have made up WTF.

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