Learning From Singlehood: How I Received A Good Guy Into My Life During My Season Of Self

19 comments
December 3, 2012 ‐ By Liz Lampkin

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A few years ago, I decided to take a hiatus from the dating scene for personal and spiritual reasons. I decided that I needed a break before I delved back onto the dating scene because I needed time to heal from past relationships, I needed to uproot the bitterness I’d buried within and learn how to turn that hurt and pain into positive lessons I could take with me on my continued journey through life. I also needed time to reconnect and build a more profound relationship with God in order to truly know and understand my purpose as a single woman. Taking this hiatus was one of the best decisions I made for myself. I learned a lot about myself, which made me more confident in who I am, and helped me to discover the type of man I truly desired a relationship with when the time was right.

During the early stages of my break from dating, close friends and family would always ask was I dating anyone, or was anyone interested. I would gleefully reply no and no! They would say okay with a smile, but then ask why not? I would then tell them that I was finally in a good place and that I was joyful in my heart and spirit about my single life. After hearing my explanation, they understood why I responded the way I did and encouraged me to continue taking my time. While on this hiatus, I’ve met a number of guys that wanted to ‘go out’, or meet up for drinks, and have even exchanged numbers with a select few. I even toyed with the thought of returning to the dating scene, but then I soon realized that I really enjoyed being completely single and unattached.

Then one day while walking along my merry way, I glanced over my right shoulder and I noticed a guy walking slightly next to me. The next thing I know we had struck up a conversation.

During our conversation I found out that we worked in the same area, in the same field and that we were both on short lunch breaks. We exchanged phone numbers and said goodbye for the moment. After that interaction, I immediately asked myself, why did you do that knowing that you are not interested in dealing with any man on any level right now? So I thought about it and I said that it’s nothing serious, and he seems like a good guy to have as a friend. After rationing with myself, it was set in my mind that this new guy in my life would only be my friend. I mean after all, male friends are the best friends a woman can have sometimes. The next morning, I received a text from my new found friend wishing me a good day. I replied the same and moved on with my day.

This type of communication went on consistently for about two weeks before our first phone conversation. We communicated consistently for about two to three months before my new friend asked, when will I see you again?  I’m thinking to myself…here it goes. While not trying to jump to conclusions, I knew my friend wanted to be more than friends. Before I answered I thought to myself, what harm could meeting up with him do? He’s a nice, well-rounded guy that I enjoy talking to. But then I thought what if he tries to come on strong and I have to shut him down? Will that ruin our budding friendship? After thinking quickly I told him that we could meet for lunch whenever our schedules permitted. He agreed and we ended our conversation shortly after. When we got off the phone I was looking forward to our future lunch date, but I was hoping that we would end up on the same page with both of us remaining friends because in times past, I’ve gone out on what were seemingly harmless dates that led to relationships real quick.

However, during my hiatus, I learned why that happened: because I feared losing a good man more than I valued being single. I thought that I could not live a productive life without a man and that I could never be happy being single. Boy was I wrong! But I had to take a step back from the dating scene to find out who I was as a single woman, and learn how to be completely single. I’m also learning that there are a plethora of good, single men in the world to have productive relationships with and that I don’t have to be in a rush to settle down. I’ve learned that every man that comes into my life has a purpose, and I need to pray and ask for direction on what that purpose is before I miss out on the blessing that he will be to me, and I to him. At this point I’m not sure what my friend’s purpose in my life is, but I know he has one and as we continue building our friendship it will be revealed. What do you think ladies? Has a good guy ever come into your life at the wrong time, or at a time when you weren’t ready for a relationship?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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  • arie

    I took a 2yr Hiatus from dating…i moved back to my home town, leaving an abusive relationship at the drop of a dime. it took me 6mos to get over the situation and i decided to go on a hiatus to get to know myself. Not only did i take it from dating, i also took it from relations…i must say it was the best choice i could have made for myself. For once in my life I got to know ME and I renewed the spirit i had within myself before that relationship. I am now in great relationship and have a beautiful daughter…my advice to any woman or person for that matter, get to know yourself, spend time with yourself…sometimes you need to be alone in order to know what and whom you want in your life. It will teach you a lot!

  • arie

    I took a 2yr Hiatus from dating…i moved back to my home town, leaving an abusive relationship at the drop of a dime. it took me 6mos to get over the situation and i decided to go on a hiatus to get to know myself. Not only did i take it from dating, i also took it from relations…i must say it was the best choice i could have made for myself. For once in my life I got to know ME and I renewed the spirit i had within myself before that relationship. I am now in great relationship and have a beautiful daughter…my advice to any woman or person for that matter, get to know yourself, spend time with yourself…sometimes you need to be alone in order to know what and whom you want in your life. It will teach you a lot!

  • Alohilani

    I’m glad I don’t have the issue of thinking that I am nothing unless there is a man up under my arm.

    Not everyone who comes into our lives has a purpose. Nor is seeking guidance from an invisible deity going to provide answers.

  • KKimberly

    Im there now and slowly trying to navigate this thing. This piece really helped me. This is the first time in a while that I’ve been COMPLETELY single… I mean without even a prospect or two. Its a major adjustment and I’ll be honest its a learning process. I’ve always been my own best company but at times its get a little lonely. Day by day I enjoy it more and more. This break is indeed giving me time to learn me…. and boy do I have some issures to work out.

    • pretty1908

      I agree! That’s why i feel it is important to get to know yourself and God during your alone time whether it is intentional or circumstance. I am tired of seeing the same results ! I stopped playing the he wasn’t the man for me card and accepted i have issues that i need to address as well. It does get lonely, but my life is peaceful because i decided to not date until i feel whole and complete in myself.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Its important for woman to know that she is better than okay when she’s alone. If ever in a relationship that you feel isn’t working you will think fondly of that time you were alone and realize you are happy by yourself. Its a powerful realization to make. Good for you.

  • KKimberly

    Im there now and slowly trying to navigate this thing. This piece really helped me. This is the first time in a while that I’ve been COMPLETELY single… I mean without even a prospect or two. Its a major adjustment and I’ll be honest its a learning process. I’ve always been my own best company but at times its get a little lonely. Day by day I enjoy it more and more. This break is indeed giving me time to learn me…. and boy do I have some issures to work out.

  • sabrina

    This definitely was a good read. I was trying to take a dating hiatus a few months ago, but I guess I fell back into the dating game. This just motivated me to keep my head in the nondating game because these dudes I’m meeting aren’t even worth it! :)

  • sabrina

    This definitely was a good read. I was trying to take a dating hiatus a few months ago, but I guess I fell back into the dating game. This just motivated me to keep my head in the nondating game because these dudes I’m meeting aren’t even worth it! :)

  • ANTMilf

    When my husband died 6 years ago while I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, all I wanted to focus on raising my daughter and didn’t want to date because I was still mourning the loss of her father. But 2 years after my daughter was born, I went out ice skating with my friends while my daughter was with my sister for the weekend and I met this guy there, he fell on his butt and I helped him up and we began talking to each other. Then we exchanged numbers and 3 years later, got engaged to him back in July. I just wanted to go out and have fun that day and gained a very supportive man who is also a great father figure to my daughter as well.

    • Meyaka

      I’m sorry for your loss
      E-love and e-hug. I’m glad God gave you another chance at love you and your baby deserve it.

      • sabrina

        cosign! :)

      • sabrina

        cosign! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

    I’m dealing with that. I am currently on a hiatus from the dating scene because I am trying to heal from 2 past relationships, the last one resulting me being pregnant and left alone to raise my son. His father is trying to come back into our lives after a year and a half long absence, and I currently have a friend of mine (who is truly a nice guy that doesn’t play games) interested in a relationship with me. I am physically attracted to my son’s father, but emotionally attracted to my friend. At this point, I am not doing anything besides hanging with my friend and keeping my son’s father at arm’s length by only communicating with him about our son and only if HE initiates it. I’m done chasing him. At some point, I will have to take a firmer stance.

    • rita

      Hold out for someone you are emotionally and physically attracted to (or see if physical attraction develops from emotional attraction, as you seem to be doing). You deserve to have all your needs met! :)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        Just wanted to let you know that physical attraction did result from my emotional attraction to my friend :-) We have been together for 5 months and we are extremely happy!

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Don’t let baby daddy back in. Any man that would leave you at your most vulnerable will have no qualms about doing it again in the future. I know the pull to reunite your family is strong but do not give in. It is much better for you and your son to have a respectful, cordial, consistent, relationship with your son’s father then it is for you to have a tumultuous drama filled on again off again relationship with him.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        Just wanted to let you know that physical attraction did result from my emotional attraction to my friend :-) We have been together for 5 months and we are extremely happy! Baby daddy has finally stopped trying – I think he sees that I am happy.

  • heyheynow

    heck no…lol but I think I’ll try that cause looking for a man is stressful…let me tell you so I think I will chill and try your approach..good read!

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