Forgive and Forget…Or Not! Signs You’re Being A Laura Govan And Can’t Let Ish Go

November 27, 2012  |  

Have you ever outwardly forgiven a friend or family member for some horrible offense they’ve committed against you while you inwardly still held a grudge about it? I have and it isn’t a pretty sight. Claiming to have forgiven a person while you are inwardly harboring feelings of resentment is not something that is always done with malicious intents and motives. One of the more popular examples of this is currently the strange relationship that has been depicted between Jackie and Laura of “Basketball Wives: LA,” where Laura pretends to be okay with Jackie to her face although she doesn’t actually care for her. Many have accredited Laura’s actions to being insincere or phony; however, it seems that most of her actions are a result of “unforgiveness.” In some cases you may actually posses the will and desire to forgive a person, but your heart is still healing and you’re having trouble doing so. Unaddressed feelings of resentment and “unforgiveness” have a tendency to fester and materialize into thoughts of revenge, and we already know that our thoughts can quickly become our actions. Not sure you’ve fully forgiven that person who hurt you? That’s okay, feelings and emotions can be difficult to decode sometimes, but lucky for you we are here to help. Check out nine signs that you have not fully forgiven a person even though you think you may have.

You’re still venting about it

Do you still find yourself enraged and venting to family members and friends (and anyone who will listen) about what this person did to you? If you find that you are still telling the story of how this person did you wrong on a regular basis, chances are you haven’t fully let go of the situation. This was something I had to come to grips with about myself recently (See: I’m Done Talking: An Open Letter To My Ex).

You’re slightly amused by their misfortunes

Though you may never admit it, hearing that his car got towed or that her credit card was declined during your crew’s latest shopping outing gave you a small chuckle. Or even if news that she’s just having struggles in her personal life brings some delight into your day, you’re clearly not over whatever past disagreements you’ve had.

You’re still avoiding them

Do you still find it repulsive to be in the presence of this person even though you told her that all is forgiven and you still wish to move forward with the friendship? If you’re still heavily screening her calls and making attempts to get out of dodge before she sees you when you run into her in the street, chances are you probably haven’t truly forgiven this person.

You still dwell on the offense

Do you find yourself still having vivid flashbacks of whatever that person did to hurt you? Do you sometimes find yourself lost in thoughts of the offense, analyzing every little detail of the occurrence? If it is something that recently happened this can be considered somewhat normal behavior; however, if you’re still dwelling on something that happened a substantial amount of months or even years ago, this is a sure sign that you haven’t fully healed.

You still entertain thoughts of revenge 

Do you find that you still frequently daydream of ways to get back at this person for whatever they’ve done to hurt you? Frequent thoughts of revenge and still feeling like you have to get back at person is a sure sign that you haven’t forgiven them, even if you say that you have.

The people around you are tired of hearing about it 

Have you worn your friends completely out with speaking negatively about this person and verbally obsessing over what they’ve done to you? When the people who have been there for you the most and have your best interest at heart are telling you that you’re taking things too far, chances are you probably have.

You never miss an opportunity to tell them how wrong they did you

Are you constantly making this person pay for what they did to you by bringing it up often and using it against them? Are you always forcing an apology by guilt tripping them even though they’ve already apologized a million times? That’s not forgiveness.

You try to hurt the person

Are you intentionally doing subtle (or not so subtle) things to hurt this person such as saying hurtful things or purposely putting them into uncomfortable situations? This is a clear indicator that you haven’t actually forgiven them.

You feel cheated when good things happen to the person

Do you feel as if the universe has served you some major injustice when something positive happens to the person who has hurt you in the past? Do you still feel like this person should be paying for whatever they’ve done to you and they are undeserving of good things coming their way? If so, you probably haven’t fully forgiven them, and let me tell you, you’re hurting yourself more by putting so much extra time and energy into such nonsense.

Jazmine Denise is a writer living in New York. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

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  • LA_Chiq

    I can relate to 7 out of the 9 things. It is well known that I NEVER forgive and I certainly don’t forget, so anyone that wrongs me should know better than to stick around because I will intentionally make them feel like sh*t. Unlike Laura Govan I don’t ever pretend to forgive them or like them though. My position is always crystal clear. And no, contrary to popular belief…it doesn’t hinder me in the slightest. In fact it helps ensure that I only get bitten ONCE, by any one person lol