Straight From His Mouth: Do We Need Your Baby Daddy’s Approval?

35 comments
November 26, 2012 ‐ By WisdomIsMisery

Source: WENN

When it comes to single mothers dating, a couple of questions always come up if her child’s father is an active presence in her kid’s life: Should your child’s father meet your new man and how much weight should his opinion of the guy you’re dating hold as far as influencing whether you decide to move forward with him and, of course, when is the right time to introduce each other?

For starters, there is no “right time” to introduce your current boyfriend to your baby daddy, but some situations are unavoidable. The holidays are a good example; I’m sure many of you navigated the awkward conversations that ensued as children exchanged hands and homes in an attempt to honor the holiday spirit with some form of tensely negotiated civility. Still, holidays or regular days, introducing your current beau to your old beau is always complicated. It’s only further complicated when there is a child involved. But there are a few considerations you can follow to make this already awkward situation slightly less awkward.

Be Honest About the Status of Your Relationship with Your Baby Daddy

In theory, your baby daddy should have little to no influence over any of your future relationships, but in the real world, Isht happens. First and foremost, it’s important that you and your current boyfriend are on the same page. I’m not saying you have to unite as one force as if you’re calling on Captain Planet to defeat the toxicity of your prior relationship. I am saying that you and your new man need to have an honest discussion about what you both deem as important for the child, the influence you believe your child’s father should have on the current relationship (if any), and if it’s important to you that in the everlasting words of Rodney King, “we all get along.”

It’s equally important that you’re honest about the overall status of your relationship with your ex. This includes being honest with your current boyfriend and with yourself. If you’re still in love with your baby daddy, have feelings for your baby daddy, or you’re only bidding your time with your new man until your baby daddy decides that he wants to take you back, these are all things that should be communicated.

I’ve been in situations where I only realized afterwards that I was merely a pawn in a much more complicated ex-relationship chess match. Some women use the men they date subsequent to their baby daddy only to make him jealous, which is fine, as long as the new man is aware of his role. Some men are perfectly fine with being the side-man. Like side-women, most men are generally content with the status of the relationship as long as they know the role they are expected to play. What’s not fair is to pretend like you’re building a legitimate and “moving on” when you know damn well your heart (and other organs) still belong to your baby daddy. If the new relationship is nothing more than a complicated charades game to get your ex to start caring about you again, just be honest with yourself and your new man. It’ll save everyone a lot of headaches and heartaches.

On the other hand, let’s say you’re over your ex but your ex isn’t over you. This is also important information to share with any new man in your life. I know dealing with kids and emotions complicates things but somebody has to be the adult in the situation – and it likely won’t be the kids. If your baby daddy 1) hates you; or 2) equally as bad, is still in love with you, this is the type of info the new man in your life should know about. You don’t have to tell him on the first date, but he shouldn’t find out when your baby daddy is chasing you, him, or both down the street with a sawed off shotgun. For example, I once dated girl who “got along fine” with her baby daddy. You can imagine my surprise when I started receiving anonymous text messages ranging from pleas to leave her alone to threats to kill us both if we kept dating. We all know that some men, exes or otherwise, believe in the motto, “once mine, always mine.”

I know you can’t be expected to control another human being, especially if that human being happens to be your child’s father and is bat Isht crazy, but what you can do is let me know your ex-man is crazy and deranged so I at least know what I’m getting myself into sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have to find out your baby daddy is crazy after he does something crazy if he has a history of doing crazy Isht. If we’re going to be in a relationship together this is the kind of information you should share early on.

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  • Poloist

    True, but in my case she broke the agreement; along with a bunch of others.

  • Pinoche

    You mean every Ray Ray, Mookie, and Tyrone.

  • new to this

    All of you keep saying the other parent shouldn’t let their mate around your child. Are you forgetting it’s their child too. You don’t need your ex to approve your new mate. You should’ve done your research about your ex before you created said child and then you wouldn’t have to question their choice in the opposite sex. As parents we know who to let around our children and who not to. I will not let my ex chose my partner for me regardless. As a mature adult I’m capable of weeding out bad men before bringing my child in. And you do not need to be engaged before letting your new mate meet your kids. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. If anybody has choice in who I date that’s my son. He will also have to live and deal with this man so why shouldn’t he get to know before I married him? No it’s not ok to every fling you have around your child but you don’t wait until marriage to meet your new mates kids.

  • new to this

    All of you keep saying the other parent shouldn’t let their mate around your child. Are you forgetting it’s their child too. You don’t need your ex to approve your new mate. You should’ve done your research about your ex before you created said child and then you wouldn’t have to question their choice in the opposite sex. As parents we know who to let around our children and who not to. I will not let my ex chose my partner for me regardless. As a mature adult I’m capable of weeding out bad men before bringing my child in. And you do not need to be engaged before letting your new mate meet your kids. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. If anybody has choice in who I date that’s my son. He will also have to live and deal with this man so why shouldn’t he get to know before I married him? No it’s not ok to every fling you have around your child but you don’t wait until marriage to meet your new mates kids.

    • Poloist

      New to this… I think you are misunderstanding the whole conversation here. No one is saying that they can’t have the children around the new love. No one even is saying that you should be engaged before they meet. We are saying that we should be able to meet the person who is going to be in our child’s lives, like them or not. And no not all parents can make good decisions on who will be in their child’s lives. If that were the case we wouldn’t see so many cases in the courts about child abuse by step-parents.

  • Mason

    This may not work for everyone but I think the parents should value some sort of opinion the other one has about the other’s new spouse. Once its clear that you two will never be an item, be mature adults and make great decisions together regarding you guys child(ren). And new spouse will effect the child. Granted my son’s mother won’t listen to a damn word I have to say but had she listened, it could have saved her some time.

  • Pingback: Do We Need Your Baby Daddy's Approval? | Madame Noire | Black … | Love Advice

  • realadulttalk

    When we divorced there was only one thing we could agree on…our child. And that no one would meet her unless it was serious–like he better have bought a ring or I already have one. We also (miraculously) agreed that no one would meet her until they met us first. Guess what–neither of us have introduced anyone to her. I think if more women had checks and balances they would be less likely to want to introduce their kids to every Tom, Rick and Harry.

    • SheBe

      1100% COSIGN!

  • Ladybug94

    I can’t even take this article seriously with the phrase “baby daddy”. Is this site for adults or high schoolers?

  • havusmiled2day

    That is real talk. Nothing more frustating than to find out you are the, “…in the meantime, while the chick I want to be with gets themselve together” person. You ask the questions and they tell you it’s not what it looks like, trust me when I say…it is exactley what it looks like. #stillsmhatthenonsense

    • havusmiled2day

      typo…themself…

    • havusmiled2day

      another typo…exactly…this article hit home…got me typing all kinds of ways…lol

  • Darrk Gable

    No man, or woman should have say in the other parent’s relationships, as long as the child isn’t being harmed.

    Because this was/is my life, as a man, these are good points for both sides. I had to meet the “other man” who was in my daughters life, and her mother had to meet my wife. The background story is a bit convoluted, but suffice it to say that ultimately, the dealings we have are only regarding my daughter. As long as my wife wasn’t/isn’t mistreating our kid, and my daughter’s mother’s friend isn’t, the decisions that affect her are left up to us as her parents.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yep. It shouldn’t matter WHO they are dealing with along as HOW those people coming into the child’s life treats them. Then again if mom’s has a new man coming thru every 3-6 months as the other parent I would have a BIG problem with that.

    • Chiffre

      Agreed, as bad as a woman with a kid and crazy ex is i’d be just As worried if they were on good terms, having another guy have that kind of say(and he does due to the baby) would be unacceptable for me, that and they both have something in common which you are now paying for.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Good advice. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that. My heart goes out to those who do.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    Truth be told, this should be an article both genders. I know quite a few baby mamas who feel the same way and don’t want their ex and yet refuse to allow their children to be around their fathers when they’re dating new women or if they know if the new girlfriend is around. Problem could be prevented perhaps you had gotten married to a man worth something first?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1927739 Monique King

      I totally agree!!!

  • SheBe

    I think it’s such a delicate process of the whole introducing-boyfriend-to-kids let alone meeting the father/mother of said child(ren). I think the only circumstances to introduce them would be if marriage was a SERIOUS (meaning engaged) element in the relationship. I don’t think that it’s the boyfriend/girlfriends business about anything regarding the parents (unless like WIS said they are crazy,still messing around, etc.). Who you date shouldn’t be up for debate. I have to say that I admire the relationship between Cynthia, Peter, and Leon on RHOA. They all seem to be mature in how they handle Noel’s upbringing and how they deal with each other.

    • Nikki

      While I agree the introduction should be made only if the relationship is serious I don’t necessarily think that means engaged. My thought is if the relationship is serious enough for the new GF/BF to be introduced to the child then it’s serious enough for the child’s other parent to meet the significant other as well. I would want to know who is going to be around my child.

      • SheBe

        I was married well before having my first child. My experience in this is limited only to what I would do IF I was in that situation.

        • Mason

          I agree with Nikki. Once the relationship gets to the point where you will be introduced to my child as his mother’s boyfriend, then we need to meet. And to be honest, I’m very critical of who my son’s mother date. Not because I want her or anything like that but because this new dude will have a hand in how my son is raised. Some will say that as long as the child is not mistreated or in danger than its okay. But i beg to differ. I want to know what he does for a living, his educational level, his values and morals. I’m raising my son to be a strong, successful, educated black man with strong family values. Even though me and his mom didn’t work out. I want him to know that the ultimate goal for a MAN is to have a family and be able to provide for his family. And if my son’s mother is dating a bum. It’s a NO GO!!!

          • SheBe

            Well good for you two. My standards are significantly different but I appreciate the insight. I fortunately don’t have this issue and pray I never do.

          • Poloist

            YUP! So I’m not crazy for wanting to know these things. I was told, what does it matter as long as he treats he good. There’s a lot of things that matter. I’m black and my child is considered black. He was white and the mother who knows nothing about our culture is white. What’s he going to do if she comes home from school and she’s had to deal with a race issue? Then what? Give her the; “well you just have to ignore them” speech?

      • Poloist

        AGREED! IN A NAJOR WAY

  • Gye Nyame

    Stop the “baby mama/baby daddy” labels MN, women that come to this site are educated and above these ignorant titles.

    • MLS2698

      What ever happened to ” my child’s father/mother?” Did you know there is a show called ” Baby Daddy ?” Tahj Mowery ( Tia/Tamera’s brother) is in it, but he is a supporting character, not the baby daddy.

    • Nikki

      I’m glad I wasn’t the only one thinking this. I couldn’t even make it through the article because of that moniker. I don’t refer to anyone’s child’s mother or father in this fashion. Not even the ones who may deserve the level of disrespect of the title.

  • Trisha_B

    Just the other day there was a post saying how wrong it is to call a woman a baby mama, but now yall addressing the father as a baby daddy lol.

    • http://twitter.com/WisdomIsMisery Wisdom Is Misery

      lol my bad.

    • SheBe

      When I saw the title I was like well damn kettle!!!!! This debate was just yesterday!

    • IllyPhilly

      Ooooooh! I was about to go there! MN is some flip floppity mugs.

    • wepo1

      This is because black women cannot hide the truth!

      This type of black women are just unwed baby mamas, never wives, and the children are bastards!

      All of the above in that article is why baby daddies don’t deal with them bastards kids because the whole setup is untraditional!

  • Trisha_B

    Wasn’t there another post saying how wrong it is to be called a baby mama, but addressing the man as baby daddy in this post lol.