So He Says: Legitimate Reasons You Won’t Get a Second Date

November 28, 2012  |  
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One of the most asked questions in dating, behind why didn’t he call me, is perhaps, why didn’t he ask me out on a second date? If you subscribe to the “he’s just not that into you” school of thought then you basically already have your answer, but have you ever wondered why he wasn’t that into you? It might have something to do with any combination of these first date behaviors.

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Continuing to talk about an ex

Everybody’s on the rebound from somebody, but don’t have me thinking you’re still rattling around the rim and you might go in. Men always like to feel like they’re conquering new territory so if they see another country’s flag still planted in the soil, chances are, they’re gonna look elsewhere. A shrewd man will know that you’ve probably dated before. A shrewd woman will keep him from knowing too much more.

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A bad sense of humor

In all those relationships surveys, women claim that the No.1 thing they want in a man is a sense of humor so don’t get mad at us because we keep telling jokes. They only thing drier than watching a joke fall flat is having to explain one. Still, I’m not suggesting that if there’s a guy you otherwise like, you should fake laughter any more than I’d suggest that you should ever fake the big O… read into that what you will.

Bringing the “ghetto” as the main side

There’s nothing sexier than versatility in a a woman and it’s always easier for a smart person to pretend to be dumb than it is for a dumb person to pretend to be smart. Therefore, it’s cute when you can get to finger poppin’ and head swivelin’ as a joke, but when that’s your natural, go-to expression of excitement or complaint, what are you gonna do for an encore? Beat your kids in public?

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Introducing me to your friends right away

Usually all that’s agreed upon for a first date is dinner. Afterwards, I’m thinking sex, of course, but you’re thinking more tests. If one of those tests happens to be something corny though, I’m out. Movies, ice skating, shooting pool or playing one-on-one basketball are all old standards that still work like a charm. However, taking me before a coven of your close intimate friends for a Black female variation of the Nuremburg trials isn’t gonna get you a callback.

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Starting to talk about a “waiting period”

Two gross myths are a) men won’t respect you if you give it up on the first date, b) men will respect you if you make them wait for it. Now, with any reasonable man it’s understood that the woman controls both the entrance and the clock and as long as that understanding remains unspoken, let the games begin! You start off by talking about a waiting period however and you can expect a man to follow up by saying “well, holla at me then.”

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Bringing up marriage/kids

Most men want to get married— they just don’t wanna talk about it. A man thinking about marriage is like a pitcher in the middle of a no-hitter. All his teammates stay far away from him and nobody says anything. A woman on a first date with a man she sees such potential in should take a similar approach. You start flapping your gums and you’re liable to blow his concentration.

Getting too familiar too soon

Stay off my plate. This is our first date. I’m not eating after you and I may not even kiss you. And no, you can’t call me that, whatever that is. Why would I even respond to that? How did you even come up with that? Pet names, liberties, and bodily functions should all be off-limits on the very first date. Farting, burpring, nicknaming me then ripping my phone out of my hand and scrolling through the pictures are all not cool.

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Constantly updating social media

This can only get worse. A status update on the restaurant, a picture of the food we ordered, a tweet that quotes the joke I just told you, an Instagram of you in your dress — if a video of our night appears on any online platform, I’m unfriending you.

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Taking unimportant calls

Whenever the phone rings when I’m on a date, I panic. I’m thinking fire, flood, or fever, and being the compassionate soul that I am, when your phone rings, I’m worried for you. I can dig you wanting to say a couple of words to your friend and let her know you’re safe and that no, I haven’t proven to be an axe murderer, but wait… what’s the rest of that conversation about? And when is it gonna end?

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Hating too much on other women

There’s nothing wrong with lightly poking fun at the charismatically less fortunate. Not everybody can have your flair, love, and that’s why I’m out with you. But if there’s a genuine edge to your humor and some of the stuff you say comes off as really mean-spirited, odds are you’ve got massive insecurities and you scare me.

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Launching into unprovoked criticism

“That’s what’s wrong with Black men!” is a date killer. Even if it is something that’s really wrong with black men like disproportionate jail sentencing or razor bumps. Even constructive criticism isn’t good for first date conversations. If I tell you I hate my job, sympathize. Don’t tell me to quit cause the next thing you’ll say is, “But don’t look for me to support you. See, that’s what’s wrong with Black men!”

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Getting drunk, high, or smoking cigarettes

Sure, I don’t mind if you’re drunk when we meet — if you’re at the bar and you find me hilarious and everything I say is either cute or funny and we exchange numbers. But once we’re at the dinner table, a second glass of wine might be cool but a second glass of vodka? No. And yes, I do mind if you smoke and what’s that in that cellophane? Do you know your way home from here?

Ordering salad

All these years later, that skit from the movie Raw is still on point. You can’t trust a chick that orders a salad. She’s up to something. She either wants you to think she’s health-conscious or easy to please. You can bet she’ll want diamonds and caviar on the second date so things should never even get to that point.

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Dressing ratchet

Bandz will indeed make her dance, but that shouldn’t be the song that your wardrobe triggers when I first see you for our night out. I’m thinking Adore by Prince or maybe even Adorn by Miguel. If you’re attired like when you move, you expect dollars to fly, you’re out with the wrong guy.


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  • JaneJane

    The salad comment is off. At a particular restaurant where I live the salad is the most popular thing on the menu, I get it often with garlic mashed potatoes on the side!

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  • Find a Date

    Yeah , this is really good post and tell us that we should live loyal with our partners and give proper time for partners. People should be do share their secrets with their partners and spent enough time with them.

  • lacehankies

    I cannot invalidate this LIST…. though these are EXTREME cases!

    -there’s NO need to take someone around your FAMILY and close friends if you just MET the person(this doesn’t make you a shoe-in—it makes you appear quite presumptuous)

    -Order something to eat(and since calories are now noted on the menu—you can select a figure-friendly entree–if you are watching your waistline)

    -SEX–should NOT be discussed(not even payfully or subtlely) so NO night-caps back at his place or yours(MOST men will not turn down cookies but in the same token will JUGDE you harshly for opening that DOOR too soon) Speaking of which–I’m abstaining so I would NOT send any MIX signals–what I’d like for that MAN on the other end of the table to know is that I’m CLASSY and I want to learn more about the person. And I would NOT place a time-table on WHEN I would indulge(We know IF we WANT to indulge with a MAN so dinner or going out on a DATE is not a prerequisite).

  • PrettyNotPetty

    The one about the salad is just stupid and petty. maybe I just wanted a freaking salad. smh don’t read into things.

  • Pseudonym

    The important ones that you guys always leave out on these articles:

    1. You’re not his type, after all. and not b/c there’s anything wrong with you, you’re just not HIS type.

    2. He was really just biding time waiting for his ex to ask him back and she did, so they’re back together. OR, he was dating a bunch of prospects and one of them got serious or put her foot down, so they’re now together in a legit committed relationship.
    (I’ve notice the most aggressive men I meet are the ones one the rebound or in a relationship they’re trying to get out of.)

    3. He’s playing the numbers game and 5 other chicks called him back whereas you were waiting for him to call you.

    It’s not always that the woman did something horribly wrong. Sometimes (a lot of times, actually), it’s just random circumstantial stuff.

  • Machelle Kwan

    Most of the time, if he doesn’t call back it’s because he’s unavailable and he’s a lying dog that’s trying to have his cake on the side. If he really wanted to talk to you, he would.

  • Meyaka

    The salad example is a bit extreme,some women need to control their weight,plus a lot of dates or first dates are dinners,you can’t eat a big ole steak after a certain hour your body can’t break it down properly. Everything else is understandable.

    • guest

      Some salads are huge and can be eaten as a main course. I’m not sure why a guy would hold that against you either.

      He should respect a woman wanting to eat veggies…

      • nolagirl

        Team veggies!

  • Jen

    If he’s not interested, just keep it moving girl

  • Anonymous

    Agree with Reese! All except the salad I happen to be a gluten free (sometimes casein-free)
    Pescatarian the choices for eating out without getting TRULY sick during our date are slim. Gluten is in 80% of food so salad or fresh fruit are the only two option most places readily have available so I can actually enjoy our date. Most not all men don’t extend the courtesy to ask do you have any dietary restrictions beforehand. Everything else can agree with here.

    • KJ23

      This is completely off the topic, but (and I did a little bit of research so I wouldn’t sound like an idiot when I asked you this) what is wrong with gluten? I’ve been dying to asking a gluten-free person this for the longest. Please don’t think I’m taking a stab at you, but I’m legitimately confused.

      • Anonymous

        @a1ef68f715522bf4ee75370d7fcac1c4:disqus, No worries actually most people do not know or understand and most Celiac’s (those who are gluten-free) surprisingly are not vocal about the debilitating disease. Most recently educated a professional chef that I dated because he was not aware either so your question is actually very normal. Celiac’s have a food allergy and profound gastrointestinal intolence for gluten. Therefore we have to adopt a life-long gluten free eating style because if we don’t the villi (little finger like projections that absorb food) in our intestines are destroyed until we have no villi remaining. Finally no way to break down food resulting in atrophy and lastly stomach cancer. Now what is Gluten? Gluten is wheat a binder that is in everything from baking products, flour, oats, peanut butter, sauces, make-up, shampoo, you name it!!! I’m Afro-american and personally for me I am extremely sensitive to gluten so for me even my make-up, shampoos, conditioners and lotions all have to be gluten-free as well. Also have to avoiding cross-pollination through shared cooking utensils. When I go out on dates if I eat gluten lets just say me and the bathroom become really “acquainted” for hours because my stomach can not literally break down the food my body is still in the healing stage for my villi it takes years to heal. As an added beautiful bonus because my stomach can not break down the food it sounds like I’m extremely flatulent. Oh yes aiming to impress on the first date and that is always a great first date impression! 🙂 Celiac dot org and a search for Coelic disease can give you some more information too. Actually eating gluten free is really healthy for you as an FYI and most people love it after they have tried good gluten-free recipes. The best way to describe the difference is you don’t feel that “full” feeling you get after eating a typical McDonald’s meal you never get again it is just the opposite. Really healthy and some famous Celiac’s are Elisabeth (she wrote a cook book) Hasselbeck and Zooey Deschanel and many, many more. Appreciate you asking.

        • KJ23

          Thanks for answering! I would have never known all of that, thank you!!!

  • MsWright2U

    I think meeting friends is such a double standard. I’ve observed guys bringing chicks around their friends and family, only to find out that their relationship is casual (read non-existent) When a woman brings a guys around, it means that she is bringing him around because he is significant enough to meet people that matter to her. She thinks they’re in a deeply committed relationship, guys…not so much. Would I bring a guy around my fam & gaggle of girlfriends? Probably not, especially on a first date. I’m just saying guys are super guilty of this…

    • Nope

      ” I’ve observed guys bringing chicks around their friends and family, only to find out that their relationship is casual (read non-existent)”

      A lot of times in these cases the ‘relationship’ is just in her head. I’m a firm believer that we don’t ‘go together’ unless it’s been specifically discussed. No assumptions means less confusion and less feelings get hurt that way.

  • Reese

    I can agree with all of these except for the ordering salad comment. Ummm what if she’s a vegetarian or isn’t super hungry?

    • lacehankies

      Pardon…there are a variety of appetizers and entrees for vegetarians. Speaking of which appetizers are always IDEAL if you are NOT very hungry. To me, there is no sense in ordering JUST salad,if you are hungry, now your BODY is building up all these ACIDS(and AIR) in your STOMACH(and you may already be NERVOUS, since it’s a 1st date) and you know what’s happening NEXT—constantly excuses yourself to use the RESTROOM. Which can be easily preceived as –you’re NOT having a GOOD time—and you’re probably using your cell PHONE to talk with the ONE that you really wanted the date with. Anyway, I say order something to EAT(you can always take leftovers for lunch) .