Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Do I Have To Meet His Family This Thanksgiving?

November 21, 2012  |  
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Patrice: When does a man KNOW you are “the one”?

DY: I know Steve Harvey’s homespun saccharinness catches quite a bit a flack from people like me, and I’ve written jokingly critical things about him in the past. But, although I haven’t read either of his books, I came across a quote from one a few months ago that I happen to strongly agree with.

To paraphrase, if a man is in love, he proclaims (isn’t afraid to let everyone know), professes (tells her), and protects (is willing to do whatever is necessary to protect and provide for her). I’d add “does whatever he can to spend time around that person” to the list, and I honestly don’t think a man is truly in love unless he’s compelled to do each of those four things.


Angela: I have a friend that says black alpha males are not genetically built to be monogamous. What are your thoughts on this matter?

DY: Yes, monogamy may be unnatural. You know what else is? Wearing clothes. And inventing the internet. And driving a car. And using a microwave to heat your food. And drinking store bought lemonade. Point? We (humans) do a ton of “unnatural” Shyte because we have the ability to reason and create — qualities separating us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Now, if a man doesn’t believe that monogamy is for him, fine. Knock yourself out. But unless he doesn’t do any other unnatural Shyte, the “monogamy is unnatural so I do it” argument is a cop out.

Lalesha: I am 42 as of today(11-21). I can’t have kids and I have never been married. I am in a relationship now going into the second year. He has 2 ex wives that he married within 6 months of each other. He say’s we will get married later… I just wanna know will I ever become a bride

DY: You might. You also might try crack for the first time today and find that it makes you more productive at work. But, just because something “might” happen doesn’t mean it’s going to. Happy birthday, btw.


Dominque: Why do I have to meet my fiance’s family this Thanksgiving? We are from different cultures and I don’t want to be uncomfortable all day around a bunch of strangers who I don’t understand.

DY:  I mean, you are going to have to meet them some time, right? I guess people have their own ways of doing things, but I’d prefer jumping right in the water (meeting dozens of them at the same time) to sticking my toe in for an hour. And, since you ARE going to be jumping in, trying to bring a positive attitude. If given the choice between being thought of as “that’s sweet girl he brought to mama’s house” or “that Beyotch who sat with a stank face the whole time,” I think the former would be more beneficial for you and your relationship.

Jacqueline: Do men sit back and laugh when they hear women talk about and demean another woman for nothing? Would you date that type of woman, even if she was pretty, and had a banging body?

DY: Would I personally date someone who did nothing but talk about other people? No. But hey, if a joke’s funny, a joke’s funny.


Deidra: I’m now in a relationship with a sci-fi/movie geek – how can I keep up with him? 😉 Thanks!

DY: One of the best things about being in a relationship is bringing each of your strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes together. But, this doesn’t mean that you automatically have to start loving and indulging in everything your mate does. While you are a couple, you still are two separate people. Yes, it’s a great idea to accompany your sci-fi movie geek man to the premiere of the next Star Trek movie, but do you have to attend conventions with him and sit with him during 8 hour long Stargate marathons and honor his request to rock Spock ears in bed? No. (Well, maybe you can work with him on the Spock ears thing)

Gloria: How do you rekindle an old romance?

DY: Before even deciding to rekindle, you both need to ask yourselves if this is a good idea. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also has a way of making people forget about the things that broke them up in the first place.

Margaret: Do men flirt to boost their egos? Is it possible for a man to flirt and know in his mind it will only be flirting and lead to nothing further? Is it solely entertaining or is he bored with what he has?

DY:  It depends on the man. For some, flirting is a means to an end and for others, flirting is just an end in itself. But, to answer your question, yes, it is possible for a man to flirt (and even have sex) solely for the ego boost and nothing else.

Angela: Is it okay for a woman who has a great paying job, owns a house and car, and has good credit to get serious with a man who may not bring as much to the table but has great potential?

DY: Yes, it’s “okay.” Maybe it’s not what everyone would do, but unless you’re doing something illegal or something that is seriously hurtful, in regards to relationships, there’s no such thing as “okay” and “not okay.” Either do it, or don’t do it.

Mandie: Can a relationship between a Christian woman and an atheist man ever work?

DY: I don’t see why not. Sure, things would be awkward and tiresome if you’re praying over meals and he’s like “Haha! So you’re telling me your God gives a damn about your scrambled eggs?” but as long as you both are respectful and open-minded, I don’t see why it would be an automatic dealbreaker.

Jillian: Why aren’t there more male “aggressors”? I mean, I have experienced/witnessed men who beg for the number, ask for the date but don’t have a plan when everything is supposed to happen (except they sure enough plan for sex). WHY DON’T MEN PLAN ANYMORE?

DY: I’ve said this before—and I know people get tired of me saying this—but people (men AND women) are going to do what works for them, and usually they’re going to do it in a way that requires the least amount of effort. Not all guys are lazy daters, but guys who are lazy daters are lazy daters because that has worked for them and they don’t see the value in putting forth more effort.


Antoinette: A guy invited me out, Ive known him since high school, he told me how much he enjoyed his time with me, repeatedly asked me do I want to hang out with him again. I mean I had an awesome time. So then that was it, didn’t hear from him, I was confused so I just flat out asked what does he view me as, he told me as a friend and that he dates other girls. Sooo, why the mixed signals? What does a “friend” mean in male terms?


DY: I really don’t think there was any missed signal there. You went out, had a good time, and he didn’t contact you afterwards. And, when you contacted him and asked what he felt about you, he told you he just saw you as a friend. There’s really nothing else to it. Sounds like the missed signal here is between what you thought was going to happen and what actually is happening.

Reddy: How do I deal with family members that have broken my trust after forgiving them many times and they continue doing what they doing?

DY: Forgive them. Not for them, but for your own peace of mind. And, since they’ve been proven to not be trustworthy, stop trusting them.

Denise: What is up with men getting angry when women voice their opinions? It’s like you listen to me but I don’t hear you??

DY: I think we all have trouble hearing things we may not want to hear, especially if it’s something that’s an indictment on your behavior or your character.

With that being said, while it is true that some people can’t take hearing certain things without acting out, it’s also true that some people don’t know how to communicate criticism without it being hurtful. I’m a believer that the onus on communicating a message is on the person giving it, not the one receiving it. Basically, if you’re trying to say something and people aren’t hearing you, it’s up to you to figure out what do to so they do.


LadyCrystalBrown: Why is it so hard for a female religious leader to find a date? Please explain this one cause Im confused. LOL

DY: It’s hard for EVERYONE — men, women, rodents, etc — to find compatible and available people that they’re actually attracted to (and our attracted to them) So, your struggles are no different than everyone else’s.

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