Family Feud: Needy Cousins, Nosy Aunties And Other Family To Run From On Thanksgiving
It’s almost that time of year again–not Black Friday, but the day before. You know, the time where families share laughs over a Turkey missing a head and other delicious fixings we love to devour on Thanksgiving. And while it can be nice to see family all together, some family members can be an irritating mess. If one isn’t letting their children drive everyone crazy, somebody is inquiring into why you don’t have a ring on your finger and a baby on your hip. It would be okay if these people didn’t make you want to scream every year, but we all know nothing will change but the year. So get your mind right and ready for these 14 interesting characters you might see on Thanksgiving day.
The Untrained Kids
Somebody please come get little Ray Ray and ‘nem (yes, “nem”). As much as I love to visit with my family during the holidays, there is something about sitting with some of my relatives under the age of 18 that I don’t like. Anybody else have those baby cousins or nieces and nephews who run around the house making a damn mess? Instead of eating their food and going off to play, they’d rather play in their food and waste all the delicious fixings that folks slaved over in the kitchen. And let’s not forget about the teenagers who barely know how to communicate with you without their cell phones and spend a majority of the evening with the funk face on because they can’t be out living rachet with their friends for one day out of the year. I just can’t take it.
The Needy One
There’s always one. The night is going good, you might have a lot of turkey, ham, dressing and some liquor in your system, and you’re feeling nice. That’s probably the perfect time for that one family member to walk up to you and tell you all their over the top sob stories and then try and ask you to let them hold a dollar, or two–hundred. They always owe somebody something and you already know they’re not good for paying back their debts. Don’t fall for the okie-doke.
The Investigator Always Asking About Your Personal Life
It might be your grandmother, your aunt, or even your own mother, but somebody is always going to pop up at what’s supposed to be a relaxing and fun family gathering ready to grill you about why you’re about to die alone. Because you haven’t popped out a baby in the allotted time (who knew there was a schedule?), your life is in shambles. Tell them you just haven’t met the right guy yet and they can think of a bunch of Norman Bates-type dudes that allegedly go to their church who they would love to hook you up with. Uh, thanks but no thanks….
The One Auntie Who Can’t Cook But Pressures You To Eat Her Food
I think Thanksgiving should be the one time that folks don’t try to experiment in the kitchen. Knowing that you’re going to be feeding a slew of picky people, Thanksgiving dinner is like Amateur Night for folks trying to prove that they can cook a little somethin’ somethin’. You don’t want to get booed out the house now. If you know you’re no Julia Childs in the kitchen, just do everyone a favor and bring liquor or dessert. But every so often you’ll have to deal with that one auntie, or even sister, who can’t boil an egg but wants to be making mac and cheese for the whole family. And when you discover that it tastes like crunchy cardboard and pass it over for the REAL food, she starts pressing you and everybody else to dig in and get seconds. One day someone will need to break it to her that cooking is not her strong suit, but until then, spread that mac and cheese around when she’s not looking and set your eyes on dessert.
A Negative Nancy On What Should Be A Positive Day
I get that the economy is not good, and that not everybody is going to be jolly on Thanksgiving, but who has the energy to deal with that one family member who is in a stank mood for no reason? On such a day of being thankful and cheerful, they’d rather be ungrateful and sit with their arms crossed and boo boo face ready, complaining about the job the hate or the man they can’t stand. Geez, I know times are hard, but there’s a time and place for everything, and everybody knows Debbie Downers are never invited to that place. Save us your complaints on everything, or at least save it for another day.
The Taker, Not The Giver Of Food
Not everybody is going to always come to a family or friendly Thanksgiving gathering with Hawaiian rolls or a bowl of sweet potatoes ready. Some of us can’t cook, and that’s okay. But what’s not okay is to come to a gathering with nothing to offer, but be oh so ready to go for seconds and thirds before everybody else has had the chance to take a stab at some dressing or ham. And I bet you any money they’ll be trying to organize the doggy bag before the family members lagging behind get the chance to show up. But actually, speaking of them…
The Family Member Who Has Everybody Waiting
Some people are truly punctual folks who are the first at everything and make you feel like crap when you’re more than five minutes late for any and everything. But others live for CP Time and like to pretend that they have more time to get ready, lay around, play around and more than they actually truly do. That’s why it’s always annoying when they’re the family member everybody is waiting patiently for to eat because your mom or whoever is in charge of the household you’re in and doesn’t feel right starting without them. Knowing that people often go most of the day without eating (aside from breakfast) so that they can make room for Thanksgiving fixings, these people are the ones who get the most severe side eye of all during the holidays.
The Short Tempered Family Member
I don’t know what your family does, but in my household, after eating, it’s time to play Dominoes, aka bones (or cards if somebody wants to get embarrassed in Spades *pops collar*). You have to be careful for the competitive family member who is quick to snap off about who is cheating and what is and isn’t right. And if that’s not enough, you might come across this family member during a discussion that they aren’t happy to have (i.e., that one nosy conversation about people’s love lives). Indeed, the holidays can make folks a bit testy…
The Non-Cooking Mug With No Patience
The difference between this family member and the one who eats all the food without cooking is the fact that before the holiday treats even come out the oven, they’re complaining like they’re little kids who ask “Are We There Yet?” They’re begging for a quick snack or for someone to cook them something extra and small while they wait. You might want to let them know that unless they’re going to fall out from malnourishment and starvation, they can wait (and if they can’t you know McDonald’s STAYS open).
The Person Who Makes Thanksgiving Into A Hostage Family Game Night
I don’t know who else has family like this, but Thanksgiving last year at my mom’s house was spent playing about three hours straight of Michael Jackson: The Experience to appease my temper tantrum having nephew. But these type of people don’t just come in kiddie size. When you’re ready to sit down and just chat and catch up with family, they want to go another round of Spades because they have something to prove. Anytime family is all around it seems some kinfolk like to show out to stroke their egos or to drive everybody else crazy as hell. Beware.
The One Who Can’t Handle Their Liquor
While a tipsy uncle is often pretty humorous during family gatherings (they sometimes share the most interesting stories), a full out drunken one is an embarrassing hot a** mess. Some people aren’t good at carrying their liquor and they know it themselves, but that won’t stop them from putting something strange in their Egg Nog and then looking like they’re ready to collapse two minutes into dancing to “Bad” during the never ending Michael Jackson: The Experience marathon. Get them some coffee.
The Awkward New Girlfriend or Boyfriend
If you have an older brother or sister who rotates girlfriends and boyfriends like they do underwear, then you might have to come into contact with their new flavor of the month. While I’m sure most will be lovable, you might have to deal with the new mate who talks too much (and maybe even about obnoxious things), or the super awkward boo who can barely seem to form a comprehensible response to questions thrown their way. Blame it on nerves…or the fact that they just really might be awkward as hell, but don’t be afraid to shoot them a smile and proceed to walk away when they’re being just a bit too awkward for your liking.
The One Always Trying To Get Into Some Illegal Activity
It never fails. While a certain family member won’t be asking you to stick up the few open bodegas or anything like that, they’ll always be quick to do things they know aren’t right. From allowing underage teens around to drink when they know better, to being ready to drive home with too much liquor in their system and even trying to randomly sell bootleg movies out of their trunk, be sure to run from these folks.
Competitive Family Member
And of course, you can’t forget that hating a** family member who likes to compete with you when it comes to all you’ve accomplished. To them, it’s never enough. You’re trying to tell people about a new job opportunity you got and they’re trying to one up you with talk of a possible promotion. You say that you’ve met somebody new that you’re excited about and they don’t have anything positive and upbeat to say about it. For whatever reason, they have something to prove when they’re around you for the holidays, and that’s all the more reason to steer clear of this family fool.