Is Your Mouth Keeping You Single?

November 16, 2012  |  


Source: iStock


One of my favorite songs is “Independent” by the rapper Webbie. It’s a bit outside of my usual musical taste, but the hook is so catchy. He talks about an independent woman who can take care of herself and makes it clear that he’s attracted to these self-sufficient women. As well, I’m a big champion of women being independent. However, the other day while watching Iyanla Vanzant’s new show, Fix My Life, I had a bit of an epiphany – maybe women should change their language about needing a man.

You see, I’ve had countless conversations with many of my single sister-friends and have often heard statements like, “I don’t need a man, but I want one.” During a recent show, one of the audience members said the same thing to Iyanla and was quickly corrected. Iyanla said, “You do need a man, so stop saying you don’t.” She then went on to explain how the sentiment around that statement might be blocking the woman and other women from finding a man. Honestly, I had never thought about it that way. But you must admit, she made a valid point.


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  • What keeps too many black women single are a couple of things: Many of them had no fathers in their life. They were raised by single mothers who drilled into their heads to be ‘independent’ and “don’t you rely on no man to do nothing for you because in the end they are just going to leave you and your children out to dry. ” With no example of a loving relationship or no positive meaningful, relationship with THEIR father do you expect them to magically know how to relate to a man or much less choose a man worth committing and submitting to? Hell to the no.

    I don’t ask why so many black women are single, I ask why the hell not?

    • But that’s not black men’s fault? Where the fck are these black men to raise their children? Black men are friggin pathetic and they are laugh riots. losers.

      • It isn’t all black men’s fault and it isn’t all black women’s fault. Lay the bulk of the blame where you wish but between the two of them there is blame to be shared.

      • My father is not a loser!

    • Both my parents were married before they had me and are still married. So you lie! Liar, liar pants on fire!

      • A troll says what? i could have sworn I said MANY. That does not designate everyone. A 72% illegitimacy birth rate would support my point of MANY. I know you are just an idiot internet troll but please learn how to read and more importantly comprehend what is typed.

  • Nikki

    For me it’s the word “need” that turns me off. When I think of needs I think of things that without them we would cease to exist like water and food. A man does not fall in that category. Do I love my man? Yes, more than even he will probably ever know. Would I be really upset if for whatever reason he was no longer in my life? Yes, of course. But the fact is even if he was no longer there my life would go on. Of course it would take a while to get over the loss and get my mind back on track, but it would happen. If I go 2 months with no water or fluids I will die. Back when women were unable to work then I could see a woman needing a man in the pure sense of the word because without a husband their future prospects were extremely bleak. In my opinion that sort of thinking led to some pretty unhappy households because women were willing to marry whomever asked first just to say they were married. I’m not saying that having a loving partner isn’t important. Having the right partner can enhance your life in ways that you may not have even known previously. I’m just saying that you won’t die if you are unattached hence not NEEDING a man.

  • MIYO K.

    If you all keep listening to the ‘men’ here, you’ll end up in relationships with men who expect you to be seen and not heard, listen to them talk, but you aren’t allowed to have an opinion, let alone voice it, let them walk all over you, cater to them like they are children while they cheat on you with non-Black women and live off of you.

  • MIYO K.

    Come on y’all. Keep it moving. Don’t any of you think it is weird that they hang out here even though they hate Black women and think no man wants them? You can’t help them or change their mind, no matter how many sensible arguments you make. They are men. They think they are right. They actually believe they are here giving women advice. We all say things that others may disagree with, but they are here to ruffle your feathers.

    They don’t come here to have dialogue with women. They come here to say inflammatory things, act incredulous and then say that you are an ‘angry black woman’ or are ‘being a stereotype’. They want YOU to give them reasons for worshipping non-Black women. They want YOU to think everything is your fault. They don’t care about your opinion.

    A whole bunch of women said they don’t like having men tell them to smile, so what is their response? “I am going to do it anyway, because who cares what you don’t like. I am a man and if I say it isn’t wrong, then it isn’t.”

  • MIYO K.

    Come on y’all. Keep it moving. Don’t any of you think it is weird that they hang out here even though they hate Black women and think no man wants them? You can’t help them or change their mind, no matter how many sensible arguments you make. They are men. They think they are right. They actually believe they are here giving women advice. We all say things that others may disagree with, but they are here to ruffle your feathers.

    • get real

      I see why u don’t can’t find a man. I see why u are miserable and unhappy. I kinda feel sorry for u. Seriously.

      • MIYO K.

        I’m just going to give you a ‘LOL”. You and all the other Black men who visit Black centric women’s sites spout this same drivel every time.

      • MIYO K.

        It’s obvious that what I said hit a spot, because my comment was not directed to you but you felt it necessary to respond with the response that you and many other bird-brained Black men respond with.

  • MIYO K.

    No women needs a man.

    • MLS2698

      Women need to learn that it is MEN who need US. So many women give their power away by acting foolish. If they just tried to do things differently, they would see and feel the surge of TRUTH.

      • Although I agree about so many women giving up their power, I think that men and women both need each other

        • MLS2698

          Yes, we were put here for each other. But the struggle for equality is real in all areas. And mostly, women are losing by selling themselves short.

  • Here’s a few issues keep black women single and not being able to get a guy like me. In order of importance.

    #1 Attitude
    #2 Babies out of wedlock
    #3 Weight
    #4 Not knowing when to shut up
    #5 Lack of respect for the black man
    #6 Self hatred
    #7 Insecurities of white women
    #8 Insecurities of Asian women
    #9 Insecurities of Latino women
    #10 All of the above.
    This is a public service announcement from Cool Breeze

    • TRUTH IS

      Trifling men got us yapping!!!


        • Machelle Kwan

          Human beings are ALL free to express themselves as they please. So therefore women don’t have to keep their mouths shut. Good luck finding a woman with a low enough IQ that she’ll take all of your disrespect. You don’t have any right to treat anybody that way. Who the hell are you? You don’t want a WOMAN…you want a blow up doll. Which I’m sure you”ll be more successful at finding.

        • get real

          We are trying to tell them but they wanna fight and have gender wars. Excellent post bruh.

    • Kay

      Commit suicide swiftly

      • get real

        Put on cement shoes and jump in the river right behind him.

    • TES

      I’m just curious, Cool Breeze, what type of man are you? Since you’re so certain that you’re a catch. You seem intent on listing all the things that are “wrong” with black women, but what do you bring into a relationship as a black man that’s worth respecting, listening to, looking good for etc… I hope you can give what you expect from a woman, and not just run off at the mouth with nothing to back it up.
      If you’re ANY of the following, then please have SEVERAL seats and think before you speak next time:
      1. Unemployed
      2. Out of shape
      3. Screwing anything with a hole
      4. No integrity
      5. Talking, yet have nothing meaningful to say
      6. Unfaithful
      7. Cheap
      8. Exclusively date anyone other than a black woman
      9. Assume that any BS you dish out does not deserve a stern response, a.k.a “attitude”
      10. Need your ego stroked consistently to feel like a man

      • You sound bitter and also UGLY.

        • TES

          I think your description of yourself is accurate…bitter AND ugly. Thank you for answering my question on the kind of man you are. I wish you well in your quest for a “good” woman

        • Projecting much?

      • MLS2698

        As for #10, I think the only thing this fool strokes is his keypad! He ain’t got no woman! * in my angry black woman voice *

    • Machelle Kwan

      From your comments that you post day in and day out, I can tell that you have a very unsavory attitude, you’re very disrespectful to women and trust…NO God fearing woman of substance wants you…get it? Work out the issues in your own deranged mind before you start giving advice to black women.

      • Marco, The Great Master

        …knowing this, may i ask why you choose to engage him or even signify his comment with a response?? …jus curious

      • get real

        That brother told the truth. You all proved him right in that article about men simply suggesting that you smile.

    • get real

      Cool Breeze for President. A real woman woul agree with this list, but a woman who has these qualities are about to challenge you tooth and nail.

    • In All Honesty

      You’re a kind man to make this list. I think for bm, dating bw at this point would be a huge step backwards. Most women of other races were brought up to know this stuff already from their fathers.

      • Bishop

        Can you please expand on your premise on why you think, “black men dating black women at this point would be a huge step backwards.” I don’t understanding nor prescribe to that narrative, but I would like to hear your perspective.

      • MIYO K.

        Black women are constantly making progress in this country while Black men blame everything on Black women and White people.

        And as far as your second comment – Who do you think are the fathers of Black women?

      • anonymous

        “black men dating black women would be a step back”? that is horrible. I hope you don’t have daughters. If you do, please don’t tell them that. I can’t believe anyone would actually say this.

    • SheBe

      I’m probably going to get flamed for this but I actually agree with his list; for the most part. When I reflect on the personality of my single former friends ( I don’t deal with them anymore due to the extreme thirst, bitterness, and disgust towards BM. Its hard to be around those type of people when you are happy and have a good life with your husband)his list fits them perfectly. A simple phone call to check on them would be “Girl these JIGGAS ain’t isht!” Or ” I hate this or that…”. I would get cursed out just because I would try to be optimistic and tell them that things would get better. This is just my experience though. Honestly ask your self. Would you date some of your single friends? I think to preface the list with “guy like me” was a bit over zealous though.

      • get real

        As I said only a real rational smart woman will agree with CoolBreeze. As you are that.

        • I don’t agree, yet I am still a rational smart woman who graduated from the highest ranking high school in my area.

    • MLS2698

      This is a public service announcement from MLS2698: GO BACK TO BAWSIP, AND DON’T TROLL A BLACK WOMAN’S SITE SINCE YOU HATE THEM!

      And now, back to your regularly scheduled conversations about REAL black men.

    • I don’t have any of those issues. You are delusional!