10 Things Gay Isn’t: Common Assumptions People Make About Homosexuality

November 19, 2012  |  
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I’m not a gay man and I can’t pretend to speak on their behalf, but I have plenty of gay friends to know they aren’t all flaming, finger-snapping, neck-rolling stereotypes.  I may not completely understand being sexually attracted to the same sex personally, but I sure as hell know what gay ISN’T.

When the headline “Kevin Clash Gay, But Not Molestor: Accuser Recants Statement” hit the internet earlier this week, there was a part of me that was a mess of confusion and disappointment.  More so than being disgusted at the allegations made against the popular Elmo puppeteer, I was also jaded at the excitement the media seems to get off of including the word “gay” and “sexual predator” in the same sentence.  It reminds me of popular stereotypes in which gay men instantly get labeled as child molesters  or even use of the common disclaimer “No homo” when a man compliments another man’s appearance.  It’s not to say that there aren’t homosexual child molesters, but gay isn’t some kind of season pass to a world of promiscuous sex, leather chaps and deviant behavior.  Gay can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but listed below are a few things that it just isn’t:

Automatically anything emotional, feminine or sensitive

It’s one thing when I have to check high school students for responding to anything the slightest bit emotional with “That’s so gay.”  But when I have to breakdown negative stereotypes to my adult peers, that’s a problem.  Some of you could use a hug or kind word or two without feeling like it makes a statement about your emotional strength or ability to display emotion.

Source: Shutterstock.com


Something that comes with a disclaimer every time a man compliments another man

Whenever a man feels the need to premise a compliment to another man with “I’m not gay but…” I’m instantly compelled to reply, “Because if you didn’t begin with that disclaimer I would have assumed you are?”  The clarity of your sexuality isn’t compromised just because you think a person of the same sex is attractive or dresses nice.  You don’t see gay men running around talking about, “I’m not straight, but that Tika Sumpter has a nice complexion.”  Sounds dumb, right?  Guess how it sounds when you say it.

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Source: Kennethinthe212.com

A trait that goes hand in hand with molestation or being a sexual predator

Just because a man is attracted to another man doesn’t mean that man has to be a minor.  All gay men don’t have some kind of inclination towards deviant behavior just because society still has trouble understanding anything that isn’t boy meets girl and they live happily ever after.  It’s like saying that just because you had pre-marital sex, you’re just as likely to be a rapist.  Sin is sin, right? Wrong.  And sexuality like many things in life aren’t as black and white as we believe them to be.

Source: blogs.centrictv.com


A membership in the man-purse wearing, drag show walking, Beyonce in a feather boa Rainbow Club

If your whole concept of “gay” is framed by the movie “Too Wong Foo” or “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” then it’s understandable why you think all homosexual men are strutting around in six –inch heels and false eyelashes chanting, “Who run the world?”  Not the case.  All gay men don’t hate women or want to be them.   There are gay men that could fit in just as well on a Gay Pride Parade float or on the corner with neighborhood thugs.  Don’t make assumptions.  Oh and they all don’t know each other either.

Source: Thinkstock.com

A choice

We can debate all day about if sexual attraction is determined by your DNA or your conscience, but all I know is that I didn’t wake up one day and decide, “I think I am going to like boys now.”  Most of the gay people I have ever had conversations with revealed that they always felt they looked at the same sex differently than their peers and they felt like something was “different” about them.  Maybe they didn’t know that difference meant homosexuality, but they couldn’t relate to the feelings their peers had about the opposite sex.

A cry for attention

Any legit lesbian will tell you that their displays of affection aren’t some desperate ploy for male attention.  In fact, I have to say that when I first visited Fire Island, most of the lesbians looked more like Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O’Donnell than a late night Cinemax movie like “The Secretary’s Last Seduction.”  More importantly what I witnessed in most of those couples is that their relationships were a lot like any other healthy relationship between a hetero couple.  You definitely had your cabana boys who were frolicking the nude beach just looking for a good time and some short-term summer love. But for most couples it wasn’t just about sex or trying something new, it really was about love, commitment and making sure the kids didn’t eat the sand.

Source: Tumblr

An episode of “Glee”

They all don’t want to sing, dance and perform like they’re auditioning for Broadway.  They aren’t all theater majors, fashion designers dancers and hairstylists.  Let’s stop acting like being gay limits you to certain careers that you just automatically excel in because of whom you choose to date.

Source: Thinkstock.com


I had an alpha-male friend who at one time refused to let one of my gay friends ride in his car.  It was as if he sneezed, a rainbow would sprout from his nose and infect all of the other passengers with incredible fashion sense, glitter and flamboyance.  If you feel like being in the presence of a gay man will somehow rub off on you and give others the wrong impression, the problem is your insecurity not someone else’s sexuality.


Source: Thinkstock.com

A reason to turn your back on the one you love.

I can respect that people have moral and religious values that are completely against homosexuality, but when it comes to your sons, daughters and siblings I can never understand completely shutting someone out your life whom you otherwise love just because of who they are sexually attracted to. At the end of the day whether they are straight or gay, what they choose to do sexually or romantically has little to do with you, and I can’t understand why people feel personally offended by sexuality that doesn’t reflect on them at all.  Why not just embrace the fact that they’ve found someone to make them happy?  Because we all know how hard that can be for anyone gay, straight or otherwise.

Source: Shutterstock.com

Any of your business.

When some people learn about a person being gay, they automatically assume that they know everything about that person’s sex life and have the freedom to comment on it.  Just like your sexual behavior is your business, a gay person’s bedroom behavior is not an open book.  You don’t know what is being inserted where and with whom so please stop acting like an expert about other’s people sex lives, especially if you can barely understand your own.


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  • Ted666

    Who are you to tell us what it isn’t? You know nothing, John Snow.

  • whisperingsage1

    OK, now I have to say something. When I was doing research on Alfred kinsey, and NAMBLA for a school paper, I clicked the links to other sites and got a lot of testimony from molesters that they had been accosted in public pools and such and that was when their “interest” began. Before Kinsey published his famous book on Sex and the Human Male, most couples in reality were virgins at the wedding. He took testimonies from sexual predators in jail and presented it as representative of 95% of men. That was when behavior took a nose dive- laws were changed because of his book, and when regular folks read it, it made them think they had been missing out. They missed one thing though, the charts of baby boys and how many orgasms they could have in an hour, times, just where do they think that statistic came from? Hmmm? They admitted later to Judith Reissman, that there was a team of 9 men molesting those boys with a stop watch to get those figures, and the judges and legislators didn’t even question that chart. The reality is, it has become more acceptable because Alfred Kinsey told us it was Normal. And he lied. And the whole culture fell for the lie.

  • The Bride

    Read Romans 1; the Apostle Paul sums it up pretty well. Is is most definitely a perversion & all who deny that have suppressed the truth. Simple as that.

  • As a guy who’s gay, there are a couple of things I’d like to add to this article: 1. Most people assume that all gay men like anal sex. In my experience, over half of all gay men aren’t into it. I don’t have anything against those who like it (including straight couples who do it), but don’t assume that it’s something all gay men like to do. And, 2. If you’re a straight guy, don’t assume all gay men are attracted to you. After all, are you attracted to every girl you see?

  • D. Kirkpat

    The war against ‘men’ is clearly destructive. Anytime a man is effeminized, then society loses as a whole. History is just repeating itself once more. Go back to the times of Sodom and Gomorrah.

    • Kate

      In ancient China, men wore skirts and women wore pants. In many tribes in Africa, the roles of men and women are quite clearly reversed. Gender roles depend on the society you interact with, and even on the individuals in that society (depending on how much group behavior influences individual lifestyle). So your argument is BS, unless you’re the type to tell me to get int the kitchen, spread ’em, and then make you a sammich. In which case I call you a sexist pig.
      And if you’ll read the Old Testament in the proper social context (AKA, the society of the time it was written), the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was the entire place planning to sexually assault the angels who came to check in on them, and not properly welcoming their guests. Sins of hospitality were considered far more serious than a man boffing another man (which was not mentioned unless it was pagan holy prostitution, which was quite clearly frowned upon by the Hebrew people…again, illustrated wonderfully if you take the text as read in the original Aramaic and Koine Greek).

  • Gay men can be far more vicious than any woman. Gay’s in long term relationships will get bored with each other. There’s always a more desired younger prettier one. Aging kills gay relationships. The straight model won’t work for gay men.

    • EndlessRepetition

      Don’t know about the vicious part. I’ve met hard gays. I’ve met timid gays. And not seeing any difference for hetero couples. Men and women stray – mid-life crisis, 7-year itch, and just goin after the greener grass.

  • buddymanhattan

    There is a “Seinfeld” scene in which Elaine says, “You know, George [who had been worrying about this], just because you think another man’s attractive doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay.” George thinks for a while and then says, “It doesn’t help.”

  • Phaedrus

    These advocates keep screaming “it’s not a choice”, yet can’t offer any proof for a biological reason behind sexual preferences. Newsflash – who you are intimate with is ENTIRELY a choice. It’s called sexual consent. If it isn’t a choice then you just legalized rape.

    • Chris112

      In the most literal sense yes, you can choose who you are physically intimate with (I specify physically because that seems to be your general point). However, I can say that as a gay male that there was never a day when I woke up and said ‘hey, I’m attracted to a guy today.’ There was a point however when I was a young teen going through puberty that , once hormones started seriously developing, I realized my physical attraction was towards males and males alone. This was not my conscious decision-it was a realization that I, my body, got ‘turned on’ by men. Gay people may very well not be completely ‘born that way’, it may be a combination of nature and nurture. But it is by no means a choice. That is partially why(in my opinion) conversion therapy is so destructive.

    • EndlessRepetition

      If homosexuality is a choice then looks like we have one heck of a reason to be locking them up. Insanity and all that.

    • Justin Poland

      Your comment is intriguing, but entirely misinformed. Let me give you a few examples:

      1. Whether is DNA or hormonal influence; sexual preference is something determined in utero not as a result of the environment (upbringing)

      2. We know this because if an identical twin is gay, there is a 50% likely hood that the other one is gay as well (even in twins adopted out at birth and raised separately)

      3. As a woman gives birth to more and more male children, the successive males have a 9% increased chance of being gay, researchers believe that this is due to estrogen acting on the developing fetuses brain.

      4. Homosexuality is normal, no only in humans but in dogs, monkeys, flamingos, penguins, gazelles, bison, etc…

      5. Why would anyone choose to be something that would subject themselves to being ostracized, ridiculed, and beaten up over?

      6. The only ‘choice’ that people have is whether or not to love you who are naturally attracted to or to hide your true feelings to adhere to someone else’s hetero-normative ideals

  • being gay is not the same as being a child molester. I feel a certain way about gays and do not understand or agree with being attracted to the same sex, but pedo’s are on a whole ‘nother level. it is a different type of perversion that that have, which is a ‘attraction’ to children. whether they are attracted to male or female children is secondary.

    • EndlessRepetition

      True but a lot of men think we should be locking them both up.

  • scandalous7

    anybody with common sense know these, whoever doesn’t purposely stays ignorant .

    • EndlessRepetition

      Nope.. Whoever doesn’t just won’t put up with it.

  • Divya

    Another one for the “it’s not any of your business” category: When someone comes out to you, don’t be offended that they didn’t do so sooner, be grateful that they came out to you at all. They’re not obligated to tell you before they even know how you’ll react and you should act like it’s your due.

    • Divya

      *shouldn’t act like it’s your due! (Darn typo.)

  • Say

    Your point #10 is contradictory.

    “I can respect that people have moral and religious values that are completely against homosexuality”


    “Why not just embrace the fact that they’ve found someone to make them happy?”

    Religious objections to homosexual behavior are because of a danger for the person’s soul (as with all sin). So a religious person cannot be happy for someone putting their soul at risk. As a physical analogy, would you embrace the fact that someone found heroin to make them happy?

    • you can’t compare Heroin to being gay, bad analogy. And as far as religion goes it’s not fair to put ones one religious beliefs off on someone else. If you are happy in your beliefs then that’s fine but just because someone doesn’t hold the same values that you doesn’t make them lesser of a person. If their soul is going to hell then that’s their soul not yours.

      • Say

        To be clear, I did not compare heroin to being gay; I compared the actions of doing heroin and homosexual behavior. And my analogy is a good one if you consider both actions destructive.

        If you believe that both homosexual behavior and doing heroin are destructive to the soul and body, respectively, then you cannot be happy for one engaging in either. You may not care but the souls of my loved ones are of great concern to me.

        • Well I don’t consider being gay destructive and it’s still a bad analogy. I’m pretty sure that someone doing heroine isn’t happy, they may feel good in the moment but after the high is gone they are regretful and hating themselves. In order to get away from those feelings they are looking for that next high to escape and the cycle starts all over again, but happy they are not.

          Homosexuals however are unhappy when they try to deny who they are because of loved ones like you telling them that their soul will be condemned to all d@mnation if they continue to be gay. When they accept who they are they end up living happy and free. Being gay hasn’t hurt anyone despite what people want to think, but as far as their soul that’s something we’ll all have to find out when we die now won’t we?

          It would be a shame to die and find out that we were tip toeing around trying to live according to the beliefs whatever religion we decided to follow and it didn’t really matter anyway, or vice versa. It’s all based on faith. I decide to have the faith that as long as I live my life being a good person, not hurting anyone, and being happy that when I die I’ll be alright.

          • Say

            Yes, I clumsily used the word “you” mixing it for the generic “you” and for you specifically.

            My initial point was in response to the author describing religious objections to homosexual behavior and how it would be inconsistent with just embracing it, because it is considered destructive by such people. My religion also defines it as such but I would never make the judgment that anyone is headed to hell, or that I won’t be in the line in front of them if they are.

            Regardless, the simple point is that some people believe it is destructive and it may very well be. But, as you write, we will not know for sure until it’s too late.

            • I know the context of how you used you, I was just stating what I believed. I agree with your statement of how it would be inconsistent according to the point that you made. I was just stating that maybe that’s where the problem lies in whether homosexuality is right or wrong. All I’m saying is the religion argument isn’t going to work on everyone. There are different religions and there are people who don’t believe in it at all and those are the people that the religious argument is going to fall on deaf ears. It’s just something to consider. This was a good discussion and I hope that you took something away from what I said just like I will take away from what you said.

              • Say

                Yes, J Mc, your points are well taken as is your cordial manner.

                And just as it may be unreasonable to expect religious arguments to be heeded by those who don’t subscribe to that religion, it is just as unreasonable to expect the opposing arguments to be heeded by the religious.

          • D. Kirkpat

            The life style is very destructive. Look at all the foundational organizations that are being assaulted by the gay movement today. Marriage is being eroded, Christian churches are being forced to abandon clear Bible teachings, men are being changed (physically) into women, girls are being changed (physically) into men, Boy Scouts is being forced to promote and support the gay agenda, laws are being established to embrace the behavior, the Afro-American Civil Rights movement has been completely hijacked….the list goes on and on. Its clearly destructive to society. The problem is that people are choosing to put on ‘rose colored glasses’ to justify and promote the behavior as being a healthy one.

            • there’s an extreme to both sides so you can’t just highlight the extreme of the side that you personally don’t care for.

            • Kate

              *rolls off the bed laughing* My church is perfectly fine with my relationship with my girlfriend, seeing as the Episcopal church has been one of the main voices for equal rights for DECADES. If you’re talking about the mainstream conservative churches, well, too bad…they do not represent the whole of Christianity, and no one is forcing them to marry couples they don’t want to marry (because newsflash, civil marriage is not the same as a religious ceremony). Sex changes are REALLY none of your business, a person has the right to modify their body as they see fit in order to feel comfortable in their own skin. The BSA is merely becoming more inclusive (and any Eagle Scout worth their salt, like my brother who is perfectly 100% straight, will tell you that inclusiveness and respect for human dignity is at the core of their morals), and “marriage” as most ignorant people define it has barely existed for a few hundred years (it used to be all polygamy, selling your daughter (a dowry), marrying your dead brother’s wife, impregnating your slave/concubine, and “breeding” your slaves to produce more slaves). Straight heterosexual monogamous marriage is a product of the bloody 1700s, there’s nothing traditional about it! And even then, you were required to marry according to your station!

              And as for legality?Damn straight everyone should have the same civil rights. As a taxpaying citizen, I bloody well expect to be treated as one! Who I sleep with is none of the government’s business, just as what style of sex I prefer is none of the government’s business. “Embrace the behavior”? Oh get REAL, I just want to be able to be as happy or miserable as my straight neighbor, for Christsake.

              My sexuality has nothing to do with how you live your day-to-day life, and your own personal insecurity is NOT MY PROBLEM. Get a therapist, work through your own sexual and gender insecurity, and stop projecting your issues onto other people. How is it your business if my woman and I have a piece of paper saying we have the same rights you do should you choose to marry? Do you think we would find you at your house and do something awful to you, like make you watch us snog each other? Tell you that you must follow our on religious practices? Make you get a sex change? Force your marriage to conform to our expectations? You’re living in La La Land, I’m afraid to tell you. You’re a lunatic.

              My “gay lifestyle” means waking up, feeding the cat, taking a shower, going to work, trying not to get cranky as I serve $6 lattes to entitled rich snots, going home, cooking dinner for myself and my girlfriend, filling out a few more job applications and praying I’ll find a use for my medical degree, and then cuddling up with my girlfriend to watch a movie. Lather, rinse, repeat, with the occasional trip to TGIFriday’s in there once a month. So by all means, come “join my lifestyle” if you dare. It’s quite boring, I assure you. Moron.

      • D. Kirkpat

        Okay. Then what you are saying is live as you see fit. All morals are the same and there is no right or wrong…(be careful there’s a trap here). Beliefs are part of life, unless you are an animal or dead.

        • yes if you’re not hurting physically, emotionally, etc and you try to live being a good person there’s nothing wrong with that. I never said morals are the same, yes people have different morals. Some people’s morals come from their religious beliefs and other’s come from just treating people how they want to be treated.

    • hiswomanandlovingit

      I care about your soul, please don’t eat any shell fish or pork, work on the Sabbath, wear clothes of two different fabrics, eat dairy and meat in the same meal, wear clothing not made for your gender (i.e. pants for women), pierce your ears, don’t watch commercials that might try to get you buy things as they may make you covet. There are other things I would like to recommend to help save your soul but we shall start with these first.

      • Say

        Thank you, your concern is appreciated. But as I am Christian rather than Jewish, as defined by the New Testament, your list of Old Testament restrictions do not apply.

        • Kate

          Well, by your own reasoning, anyone who isn’t your flavor of Christianity need not be concerned, We don’t follow your religion. Therefore, the state of our souls is still our own damn business. My church says my soul is perfectly fine the way it is. And my girlfriend is pagan, and I’m pretty sure her gods feel the same way. So thanks for the concern, Senorita Buttinsky, but piss off out of my spiritual life, yeah? (Although if it’s my job to be concerned about the souls of others, Cernnunos, Brigid, and Freyr say you’re doing a piss-poor job of it, and that punishment awaits in your next life. 😉 )

        • Dahl

          There are no prohibitions against homosexuality in the New Testament, so if Old Testament restrictions do not apply you have no legitimate argument against gays.

      • Mitch

        This is a silly unlearned response with pathetic reasoning. The edicts you dispense were meant solely to for the Hebrew nation. Not a Christian nation. Your comments belie a fundamental misunderstand by standing for nothing and falling for anything! Silly woman! Wipe that *hit off your mouth!

        • Kate

          America isn’t a Christian nation, just thought I’d let you know. Most of the founding fathers were Deists, not Christians, and the country was even founded on freedom of religious expression. This means freedom for everyone, not just Christians. The pagans and Buddhists won’t thank anyone for calling their country a “Christian nation”.

    • D. Kirkpat

      What’s wrong with the whole issue, is how its being forced into the main stream as being acceptable. Its being forced into laws of our land and its being forced into wholesome ways of life, like Boy Scouts, Church, marriage and so on . This is the problem. Forcing people to find a behavior that is clearly immoral as being a normal and acceptable way of life. Look at what’s happening, now transgender is becoming a norm. Marriage is being completely watered down (diminished) as a result of the idea that man-man or woman-woman relationships are equivalent to man-woman relationships.

      • Kate

        Not everyone follows your religion or way of life. Isn’t America supposed to be a land of freedom of and from religion? What about the Hindus? Buddhists? Muslims? Atheists? Pagans? Are they supposed to conform to your specific brand of Christianity? The law of the land exists for ALL people not just for you. What is or is not morally acceptable in your personal belief system has no business in federal law. Give up your delusion that you are the center of the goddamn universe. As I said to you before, all taxpaying citizens are entitled to the same protection and rights under the law, and someone’s consensual sex life is none of the government’s (or your) business. Do I give a damn if you like being tied up and gagged by your straight partner? No? Then why should you give a damn what I do with my gay one, or the fact that my partner is a woman. Your god is not my God, I do NOT have to follow your belief system in order to be considered worth as many rights as you have. Your problem is not that society is changing, your problem is that you’re a xenophobic prick who’s afraid of change, Not everyone is a conservative, small-minded, Jeebus Freak born out of the revival tent hysteria of the mega-churches and tiny cults scattered across the Corn Basket of America. DEAL WITH IT. My marriage does not diminish yours, because who I choose to wed has no effect on who you choose to wed. Our lives will never intersect. The most you’d have to deal with is seeing me and my woman wearing wht marriage jewelry we feel is appropriate. You are SO insecure, I just have to laugh. You’re threatened by people you will never meet or interact with!

        • Choosefreedom76

          There are not “brands” of Christianity. Christian=Christ-person. A Christian is someone who follows the teachings of Christ. What did he teach? Read the Bible! If you are going to pretend to know what Christianity is,…at least read the Bible first, and then give us Scripture and Text that supports your belief. Otherwise, it’s all just opinion, not Chrisitanity.

  • nonfactor

    my comment was deleted but it was relevant, ppl defending gays need to fall off. nothing natural about it. is MN gay too?

    • Jae_Sean

      What backwards world do you live in?

    • EndlessRepetition

      OK. So what do we do about it?

    • Kate

      Nothing natural about it? Try telling that to the penguins. After all, homosexuality (or at least homosexual behavior, as we don’t know which animals actually are capable of forming complex emotional bonds on a human level) is exhibited in tens of dozens of species.

      • Jabs

        says who?

  • PrettyFuckingAwesome

    Gay is all of that for most gay men…Stop trying to act like people are so wrong for noticing these things about gay men. True, not all gay men are snapping their fingers and dressing in drag but A LOT are (I’m from Los Angeles and I see it a lot and I have gay friends who do it all the time for fun)… Did you know that a lot of young boys are molested and sexually assaulted by gay men?? Not saying all gay men are child molesters but sorry my friend it is common that boys are molested by gay men…Jerry Dandusky, the Catholic church etc etc….

    • PrettyFuckingAwesome


    • EndlessRepetition

      If everything you say is true then the Texas GOP has one heck of an argument for trying to recriminalize gay acts.

  • anony

    i wish the sick ppl defending gays would fall of the earth, like the gays smh not natural

  • MKayy

    It’s funny how its “non of our business” when some of them always seem to make it our business ?

    • MKayy


    • EndlessRepetition

      A lot of men get offended by gay guys breathing. Fact. What do you expect to happen?

      • MKayy

        What’s your point?

    • Kate

      Yeah, and the people I serve coffee to make their relationship drama my business. It’s not the sexuality, it’s the person in question. And some people just want the world to know all about them. Yeah, some gay people are overly flamboyant and pushy about who knows who they’re boffing. But Jesus, you should see some of my (as far as I know) straight customers. Going on and on about their recent colonoscopy results to God and everybody. Gay, straight, interested in sheep…some people just can’t keep their yaps shut.

  • ❤ This!

  • IllyPhilly

    That’s crazy that in this time stereotypes of all sorts have to be disputed because can’t separate one or a few from the whole.

    • EndlessRepetition

      To which many men respond “why bother?”