Why Aren’t We Saying “I Do” Before Having Babies Anymore?

December 6th, 2012 - By Cecily Michelle

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I was lying down with my mom in the middle of one of our late night chat fests when she made a comment that stuck out to me. When I was a baby, she said all of the women that she was surrounded by—with the exception of maybe two—had children and husbands to go along with them. Unlike this generation, mom dukes continued, where young girls are just popping out babies left and right with no ring or stability. And boy, she ain’t never lied.
Every time I turn around, somebody I know is pregnant. Old friends from school post pictures on Facebook holding their protruding bellies or I hear through the grapevine that so-and-so and her new boyfriend are about to drop a bundle of joy in a couple of months. I can’t even step foot outside my door without seeing a young girl pushing a stroller or yanking a baby’s hand down the street. It seems like there are more children being had than weddings being planned and it makes me wonder if marriage is at all important in today’s society anymore.

Have we lost that sense of tradition? Does having kids minus the rings, white gowns and horse and carriage signify a degenerate, moral-less society? Or is the fact that so many women are giving birth out of wedlock really not that big of a deal (I mean divorce rates are sky high, so marriage really doesn’t guarantee anything, right?). For you good ol’ Bible-abiding Christians, there’s probably no question about what’s right and what’s wrong. But I believe that marriage before babies is more of a traditional thing than something we’re obligated to do, nor should we expect everybody to put a ring on it just because they have a bun in the oven (nor should we look at them crazy if they don’t care to get married to one another after the fact). Sure, it’s nice to walk down the aisle and have the whole shabang before you have children, but if you’re in a committed relationship, financially secure and emotionally ready to take that step, then hey, why not?

Now, for the young girls out there whose noses are wide open, chasing after irresponsible, immature little boys, that’s a different story. If you don’t have the funds or the mentality and are still living at your mother’s house and know you’re going to more dependent on the resources and help of family and friends, simply put, you’re just not ready. So bringing a child into the world is probably not the best idea.

I can’t count how many females I know who’ve given birth to kids with no ring and didn’t have anything to offer but an unhealthy environment for their children to grow. My own grandmother was a teen mom. She always stresses to me the importance of waiting until you find the right type of man and circumstances to have a child so that you don’t have to struggle to provide for your family. And I couldn’t agree more. But there are also married women out there who battle with stability and find themselves raising children on their own or in unhealthy, unhappy environments, even though they have husbands. So when it all boils down to it, it’s really not about being married or single, but creating a safe, secure, loving environment for your seed before you decide to bring them into this world. Real rap.

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  • Yepisaidit

    Damned if you do marry damned if you don’t. Depending who it comes from. A happily divorced woman may say she would never considered having kids without a husband. A happily single woman can say the same as the child’s father is greats. But then you have the bad sides of both marriage and well baby daddy’s. society puts single mothers in magazines and teen moms on TV. It’s the norm now. I hope my daughter is not referenced as a baby momma but a wife. To each it’s own but trust there are very successful marriages black ones but those are not the ones being paraded. So the media is part of the blame.

  • Chassie

    Boy did the holier than thou come out on this article. While I don’t take joy in seeing young girls and women struggling raising kids on their own, I don’t think marriage is the end all be all. To those blaming the mothers, perhaps if you spent less time worrying about how they are burdening the community and more time paying attention to the environments they are growing up in, situation wouldn’t be what it is. Take responsibility for the world in which these children who are becoming these single mothers live in. Furthermore, I grew up mother and fatherless essentially, but I’m chasing after no one. In fact, the majority of my friends who are from single parent households are the ones working their butts off in college right now. I am not trying to say we all are, but its not fair to generalize on the other end of the spectrum. To those raising condoms as the holy grail of protection against pregnancy, i give you major side eye. Until any contraceptive has been proving 100% effective, the reason that there are so many single mothers is there are so many people having sex. Perhaps if more people closed their legs and opened a book, this wouldn’t be the case. I personally agree with the end of this article at the end of the day: the kid comes first. If you all are so worried about these children, volunteer at an inner city school, join a big brother big sister program. If all this stone throwing was really about the kids that is. Otherwise, have several seats, because blasting single mothers for the dumb mistakes of the past isn’t helping their present or anyone’s future. Furthermore, people seem to forget there are tons of reasons why there is no father figure in the home, i.e. divorce, death, rape, etc. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really no why the woman is pushing the stroller down the street alone. Furthermore, perhaps someone could explore why so often these 15, 16, 17 year old girls are pregnant by grown men, well no, not men, predators. Save the judgement, because honestly, has that made the situation better?

  • Chassie

    Boy did the holier than thou come out on this article. While I don’t take joy in seeing young girls and women struggling raising kids on their own, I don’t think marriage is the end all be all. To those blaming the mothers, perhaps if you spent less time worrying about how they are burdening the community and more time paying attention to the environments they are growing up in, situation wouldn’t be what it is. Take responsibility for the world in which these children who are becoming these single mothers live in. Furthermore, I grew up mother and fatherless essentially, but I’m chasing after no one. In fact, the majority of my friends who are from single parent households are the ones working their butts off in college right now. I am not trying to say we all are, but its not fair to generalize on the other end of the spectrum. To those raising condoms as the holy grail of protection against pregnancy, i give you major side eye. Until any contraceptive has been proving 100% effective, the reason that there are so many single mothers is there are so many people having sex. Perhaps if more people closed their legs and opened a book, this wouldn’t be the case. I personally agree with the end of this article at the end of the day: the kid comes first. If you all are so worried about these children, volunteer at an inner city school, join a big brother big sister program. If all this stone throwing was really about the kids that is. Otherwise, have several seats, because blasting single mothers for the dumb mistakes of the past isn’t helping their present or anyone’s future. Furthermore, people seem to forget there are tons of reasons why there is no father figure in the home, i.e. divorce, death, rape, etc. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really no why the woman is pushing the stroller down the street alone. Furthermore, perhaps someone could explore why so often these 15, 16, 17 year old girls are pregnant by grown men, well no, not men, predators. Save the judgement, because honestly, has that made the situation better?

  • Nene

    I’m old fashioned believe me. I have made mistakes but I learn from mine. I say marriage rather it’s before, after, or during pregnancy it do not matter as long as you get married. If we strictly followed the bible we would not be having the problems we have today in the world.

  • Nene

    I believe in marriage even if the marriage doesn’t last at least you made that commitment to God. Plus marriage offers a little bit of security and you have way more benefits when your married then when your not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/minister.scottpate Minister Tonja Scott-Pate

    First, I must say that a “ring” and “marriage” is not stability. Being stable means that a woman/man are 100% able to maintain financially, emotionally and physically without the other. It is when these two 100%’s come together and make the relationship meaningful. There are many dysfunctional household because of “tradition.” No, I do not advocate coming together and making babies out of wedlock. I am an advocate for commitment and marriage. What I would love to see is a whole man and a whole woman come together and raise whole minded children. Our society is so stuck on “tradition” that the meaning of a real marriage is lost. For a woman to sit at home waiting for a man to give her stability is a scary situation in itself. If that man chooses to move on, where will she be? Marriage is the coming together of two people to become one flesh. But, if they are not ready, why put two 1/2′s together to build chaos for traditions sake? People need to really think and seek good counseling BEFORE they consider marriage and having children. The divorce rate and broken homes are the results of lack planning, seeking knowledge and wisdom. People allow the flesh to control their destiny.

  • Adrian Khan (The Soca Warrior)

    Probably because we are living in different times.Marriage is a joke.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    *side eye* Love and Hip Hop 1 and 2 . . .

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