Why Aren’t We Saying “I Do” Before Having Babies Anymore?

276 comments
December 6, 2012 ‐ By Cecily Michelle

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I was lying down with my mom in the middle of one of our late night chat fests when she made a comment that stuck out to me. When I was a baby, she said all of the women that she was surrounded by—with the exception of maybe two—had children and husbands to go along with them. Unlike this generation, mom dukes continued, where young girls are just popping out babies left and right with no ring or stability. And boy, she ain’t never lied.
Every time I turn around, somebody I know is pregnant. Old friends from school post pictures on Facebook holding their protruding bellies or I hear through the grapevine that so-and-so and her new boyfriend are about to drop a bundle of joy in a couple of months. I can’t even step foot outside my door without seeing a young girl pushing a stroller or yanking a baby’s hand down the street. It seems like there are more children being had than weddings being planned and it makes me wonder if marriage is at all important in today’s society anymore.

Have we lost that sense of tradition? Does having kids minus the rings, white gowns and horse and carriage signify a degenerate, moral-less society? Or is the fact that so many women are giving birth out of wedlock really not that big of a deal (I mean divorce rates are sky high, so marriage really doesn’t guarantee anything, right?). For you good ol’ Bible-abiding Christians, there’s probably no question about what’s right and what’s wrong. But I believe that marriage before babies is more of a traditional thing than something we’re obligated to do, nor should we expect everybody to put a ring on it just because they have a bun in the oven (nor should we look at them crazy if they don’t care to get married to one another after the fact). Sure, it’s nice to walk down the aisle and have the whole shabang before you have children, but if you’re in a committed relationship, financially secure and emotionally ready to take that step, then hey, why not?

Now, for the young girls out there whose noses are wide open, chasing after irresponsible, immature little boys, that’s a different story. If you don’t have the funds or the mentality and are still living at your mother’s house and know you’re going to more dependent on the resources and help of family and friends, simply put, you’re just not ready. So bringing a child into the world is probably not the best idea.

I can’t count how many females I know who’ve given birth to kids with no ring and didn’t have anything to offer but an unhealthy environment for their children to grow. My own grandmother was a teen mom. She always stresses to me the importance of waiting until you find the right type of man and circumstances to have a child so that you don’t have to struggle to provide for your family. And I couldn’t agree more. But there are also married women out there who battle with stability and find themselves raising children on their own or in unhealthy, unhappy environments, even though they have husbands. So when it all boils down to it, it’s really not about being married or single, but creating a safe, secure, loving environment for your seed before you decide to bring them into this world. Real rap.

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  • Darien

    What are you talking about? More people blame men than women. It’s her body, she wasn’t raped. Women have been the ones playing innocent all this time. Think you have it backwards.

  • Yepisaidit

    Damned if you do marry damned if you don’t. Depending who it comes from. A happily divorced woman may say she would never considered having kids without a husband. A happily single woman can say the same as the child’s father is greats. But then you have the bad sides of both marriage and well baby daddy’s. society puts single mothers in magazines and teen moms on TV. It’s the norm now. I hope my daughter is not referenced as a baby momma but a wife. To each it’s own but trust there are very successful marriages black ones but those are not the ones being paraded. So the media is part of the blame.

  • Chassie

    Boy did the holier than thou come out on this article. While I don’t take joy in seeing young girls and women struggling raising kids on their own, I don’t think marriage is the end all be all. To those blaming the mothers, perhaps if you spent less time worrying about how they are burdening the community and more time paying attention to the environments they are growing up in, situation wouldn’t be what it is. Take responsibility for the world in which these children who are becoming these single mothers live in. Furthermore, I grew up mother and fatherless essentially, but I’m chasing after no one. In fact, the majority of my friends who are from single parent households are the ones working their butts off in college right now. I am not trying to say we all are, but its not fair to generalize on the other end of the spectrum. To those raising condoms as the holy grail of protection against pregnancy, i give you major side eye. Until any contraceptive has been proving 100% effective, the reason that there are so many single mothers is there are so many people having sex. Perhaps if more people closed their legs and opened a book, this wouldn’t be the case. I personally agree with the end of this article at the end of the day: the kid comes first. If you all are so worried about these children, volunteer at an inner city school, join a big brother big sister program. If all this stone throwing was really about the kids that is. Otherwise, have several seats, because blasting single mothers for the dumb mistakes of the past isn’t helping their present or anyone’s future. Furthermore, people seem to forget there are tons of reasons why there is no father figure in the home, i.e. divorce, death, rape, etc. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really no why the woman is pushing the stroller down the street alone. Furthermore, perhaps someone could explore why so often these 15, 16, 17 year old girls are pregnant by grown men, well no, not men, predators. Save the judgement, because honestly, has that made the situation better?

  • Chassie

    Boy did the holier than thou come out on this article. While I don’t take joy in seeing young girls and women struggling raising kids on their own, I don’t think marriage is the end all be all. To those blaming the mothers, perhaps if you spent less time worrying about how they are burdening the community and more time paying attention to the environments they are growing up in, situation wouldn’t be what it is. Take responsibility for the world in which these children who are becoming these single mothers live in. Furthermore, I grew up mother and fatherless essentially, but I’m chasing after no one. In fact, the majority of my friends who are from single parent households are the ones working their butts off in college right now. I am not trying to say we all are, but its not fair to generalize on the other end of the spectrum. To those raising condoms as the holy grail of protection against pregnancy, i give you major side eye. Until any contraceptive has been proving 100% effective, the reason that there are so many single mothers is there are so many people having sex. Perhaps if more people closed their legs and opened a book, this wouldn’t be the case. I personally agree with the end of this article at the end of the day: the kid comes first. If you all are so worried about these children, volunteer at an inner city school, join a big brother big sister program. If all this stone throwing was really about the kids that is. Otherwise, have several seats, because blasting single mothers for the dumb mistakes of the past isn’t helping their present or anyone’s future. Furthermore, people seem to forget there are tons of reasons why there is no father figure in the home, i.e. divorce, death, rape, etc. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really no why the woman is pushing the stroller down the street alone. Furthermore, perhaps someone could explore why so often these 15, 16, 17 year old girls are pregnant by grown men, well no, not men, predators. Save the judgement, because honestly, has that made the situation better?

  • Nene

    I’m old fashioned believe me. I have made mistakes but I learn from mine. I say marriage rather it’s before, after, or during pregnancy it do not matter as long as you get married. If we strictly followed the bible we would not be having the problems we have today in the world.

  • Nene

    I believe in marriage even if the marriage doesn’t last at least you made that commitment to God. Plus marriage offers a little bit of security and you have way more benefits when your married then when your not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/minister.scottpate Minister Tonja Scott-Pate

    First, I must say that a “ring” and “marriage” is not stability. Being stable means that a woman/man are 100% able to maintain financially, emotionally and physically without the other. It is when these two 100%’s come together and make the relationship meaningful. There are many dysfunctional household because of “tradition.” No, I do not advocate coming together and making babies out of wedlock. I am an advocate for commitment and marriage. What I would love to see is a whole man and a whole woman come together and raise whole minded children. Our society is so stuck on “tradition” that the meaning of a real marriage is lost. For a woman to sit at home waiting for a man to give her stability is a scary situation in itself. If that man chooses to move on, where will she be? Marriage is the coming together of two people to become one flesh. But, if they are not ready, why put two 1/2′s together to build chaos for traditions sake? People need to really think and seek good counseling BEFORE they consider marriage and having children. The divorce rate and broken homes are the results of lack planning, seeking knowledge and wisdom. People allow the flesh to control their destiny.

  • Adrian Khan (The Soca Warrior)

    Probably because we are living in different times.Marriage is a joke.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    *side eye* Love and Hip Hop 1 and 2 . . .

  • NolaGirl31

    Its not you ain’t never lied SMH! Its You Ain’t Never Lying lawd say it correctly damn! But this is so true everybody is having kids & not even thinking about getting married.. they doing it so backwards SMH & I know for a fact that it does not please God at all!

  • ncntrol

    I think it is selfish to purposely bring a child into this world without the benefit of both parents

    • Ms. Kameria

      It is. It’s selfish, and not so smart….

  • MzDez

    My partner and I have a baby and although he’d like to get married, I have no desire to be. I love him and am committed to him, but I don’t need a piece of paper and a party to remind me of what my responsibilites are. This is my personal choice. I have married friends with children who are content but by no means “happily married” and are resigned to their fate. I have married friends with children who are miserable and who might as well be single moms because they get little to no help from their partners. I have married friends with children who feel that being married and having a family makes them whole. I have divorced friends with children who regret ever wasting a moment of their lives being married to that a-hole. I have single friends with children who wish they could find a good man to marry. I have single friends with children who love their kids but also love the freedom of not being beholden to a man. Bottom line: marriage is different for everyone and some, like me, would prefer to have no parts of it. I’m happy we live in a day and age where a woman can make a choice and not be ostracized because of it

    • Miss Anonymous

      If I may ask, why did you decide to not marry, but felt it was fine to share a child? Assuming that the child was not an accident, I’ve always been curious about why people are completely fine with mixing your DNA, bringing in new life, sharing at least 18 years worth of interactions and decisions that would affect the child, but not want to go through marriage.

    • bits

      Amen to that!

    • Mrs M

      So if your love ends up in the hospital you’re cool with being nothing to him (officially) and having no stake in his care? That little piece of paper does not guarantee commitment but it sure helps in an emergency

    • Mrs M

      So if your love ends up in the hospital you’re cool with being nothing to him (officially) and having no stake in his care? That little piece of paper does not guarantee commitment but it sure helps in an emergency

    • Mrs M

      So if your love ends up in the hospital you’re cool with being nothing to him (officially) and having no stake in his care? That little piece of paper does not guarantee commitment but it sure helps in an emergency

    • Mrs M

      So if your love ends up in the hospital you’re cool with being nothing to him (officially) and having no stake in his care? That little piece of paper does not guarantee commitment but it sure helps in an emergency

  • Nokids4me

    I grew up in a family with a long history of not getting married. One aunt had 9 kids with 8 people and only 2 belonged to a husband. I did not enjoy growing up in a single parent home. Children need to see the father treating the mom correctly and the mom treating the father correctly. Having kids with whoever is not a good idea. I personally chose to not have kids. I never found an appropriate man to marry and I refuse to be an unwed mom. I feel if a man does not find me worth marrying and being monagamous with, then I do not have time to invest in raising his child. I do not consider visiting your child on weekends parenting. Weekend visits are for grandparents, friends and relatives, not fathers. Either you man and woman up and do it right or not at all. If you have kids single, how about only with one person, and not with 2, 3, or more.

  • 90′s Baby

    And answer me this…All of you who are married with children,do you live in a questionable neighborhood?Probably not.I know I see no 2-parent homes in my neighborhood.That leaves me at a disadvantage not only economically but psychologically.How can it be preached that I should marry before I have children but I have yet to see it in person?Most my age would read this article is dismiss it,reading something you can learn from is unfathomable.The poorest and uneducated of our own are doing the most populating raising more poor and uneducated children to continue the ignorance.What should be taught in school is not passing out condoms but how we(black youth my age) in the inner city are at a disadvantage because of our social status(single parent homes),the fact that our school are low performing academically,our neighborhood are full of crime and that we can break the cycle by doing the opposite of what we see as normal.My mom is as ignorant as it gets but luckily for me I had the sense to know there’s more to life than chasing men,having babies and being mad at my kid because it didn’t turn out well.Most are not like me.Blaming her and others like her is useless because the deed is done.Instead of pointing fingers at the offender it’s time to ENLIGHTEN the victims of how these actions affect them and how not to go done the same road.Then only then will we see a change..

  • 90′s Baby

    I’m 21 and most young women I’ve went to school with have multiple children.I don’t think many of those older than me really understand the magnitude of what’s going on.From the outside looking in young girls with daddy issues are having szx with immature little boys with daddy issues and children are created.As a product of the poor inner city where I still live in this is may be partly true but another explanation is not factored.That most young adults my age have never seen successful relationships in our communities and have resorted to imitating the relationships what we see on TV from those who look like us.Black Americans are scarce on TV yet make up the majority of rap videos and reality shows.For a young person looking for their own(Blacks) this is what is shown to them.What are our youth watching?Videos.Who are in them?Rappers.What do damn near almost every rapper have?A babymama!Who’s on Basketball Wives?Babymamas and video vixens!Are any of these women ever married?No!Young adults think this is right because it’s glorified and there’s nothing else to compare it to that says otherwise!All of you reading take away your mature mind and logic and think like an impressionable teenager that only sees black people on Basketballwives and music videos for a moment!People my age and younger think this NEW dynamic is not new but actually NORMAL.That being a babymama is a badge of honor and going back and forth with your babyfather is what grown folks do.A young man with a 2 babymamas is a player and woman-magnet with the children to prove it…..All the stable married families have moved away and all the positive images of Black families are non-existent….

  • http://www.facebook.com/HEARTLESS.iEASHA Ieasha Ellise Reeder

    I am a 19 year old newly wed . Many of my highschool friends look at me funny because ive gotten marriage at an early age . Unfortunately those are the same friends poppin out babies out of wedlock. I just thank god that I was blessed with enough sense to know the different between right and wrong . I believe in having a stable environment before bring children into it . I was raised by my mom ( single parent ) and know the struggles first hand of being raised in a broken home.

    • Gye Nyame

      Can I give you a small piece of advice coming from someone who was also married young? If you can wait at least 5 years before having a baby. Travel together, enjoy one another as husband and wife, party together, go to shows and plays and concerts, just live life. Continue your education together, and when the time is right have children. I say all of that b/c children bring a new dynamic to a relationship and couples need some time to enjoy each other before children come.

      • http://www.facebook.com/HEARTLESS.iEASHA Ieasha Ellise Reeder

        True . My aunt told me the same . She also married early and waited 6 years to have kids and has had a successful marriage 23 years strong .

    • Darien

      Thank you for your post. Hopefully it shows things can work out. Congratulations…I wish you the best on your marriage.

  • FromUR2UB

    If people thought the world was going to end tomorrow, I bet people in their committed relationships with children would be flocking to the courthouses and wedding chapels today.

  • thedoggonetruth

    My husband and I have been married 31 years and we have six children. When they were school-age they would tell us how other children were amazed that it was so many of them and that they had the same parents.

  • thatonegirl

    Because it’s not 1906 and women have options and careers. I don’t have kids and honestly don’t plan to have kids before marriage but I’ll never tell someone when it’s the appropriate time for them to have kids. As long as you have the means to take care of a child and their in a loving home why should it matter.

  • ConfusedByThis

    Eh… I used to be on the whole marriage before kids kick. As a kid I fantasized about my wedding and of course my dress. But as I grew older I just didn’t care about having a formal ceremony to make my union official. I grew up in a single parent household (my parents never married just cohabited), and my father was a constant figure in my life. Flash forward, I am in my 30′s, my boyfriend is in his late twenties. We both have solid careers and my boyfriend is a homeowner. With that said we can’t fathom spending a good portion of our income on an hours long ceremony to validate our relationship. We will get married (Justice of the Peace/or very small ceremony) but for us our priority is building our family.

    • bits

      That is beautiful. Best of luck to you.

      • ConfusedByThis

        Thank you we are so excited to have our first baby. If my BF could fast forward time he would..lol!!

        • bits

          The first is always extra special. Enjoy your pregnancy!!!

        • Not Sold

          Are you absolutely positive your BF would fast forward time? Also, a younger dude? I’m confused by that…

          • ConfusedByThis

            Awww…not sold… yes I’m sure…he says it every day…and this morning before we both went to work…he grows more excited everyday and wishes I could schedule another ultrasound for today so he can see the baby move again. And yes he is younger…I’m 31 and he’s 28…he’s been a homeowner to since he was 25…shocking..right. But not really because responsible people do exist. You just have to be in the right circles to find them.

          • ConfusedByThis

            Aww…Not Sold… Yes my BF just asked today if it was our due month so he could hold the baby. He’s asks twice a day cause he’s excited and always wanted to be a father. And yes he is younger. I’m 31 and he’s 28…he’s been a homeowner since he was 25. There are lots of responsible and well grounded people in this world…you just have to be in the right place to find them.

    • Darien

      Congratulations, but nobody is saying it has to be a ceremony, it can be done at the courthouse…it still counts as marriage.

      • ConfusedByThis

        Thank you Darien, for the well wishes…much appreciated..but to sum it all up being married or having the document via the courthouse will not enhance the quality of my relationship with my boyfriend and my child. It is a document, or a ceremony formalizing an already existing agreement…so it don’t mean ish to me

  • bits

    Really Real talk. Until somebody can break down for me the difference between being in a healthy, happy committed relationship and a “marriage” I will continue to have my views. That view is marriage is unnecessary and only makes things more complicated. A baby doesn’t know the difference between being loved by parents who are married or not married. the ring and the legal contract make absolutely no difference because at the end of the day divorce happens all of the time and marriage does not stop a man or a woman from walking away from their family. The last sentence of this article sums it up perfectly. The stigma of being an unmarried woman is strictly based on religious views that are supposed to have no basis in this society because people in this country are free to practice or not practice religion if they choose. Oh and guess what “marriage” at its inception had nothing to do with religion…stop drinking the kool-aid.

    • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

      I just want kids to get the most from both parents.

    • Miss Anonymous

      Yes there is no guarantee that a marriage prevents either people from messing up and/or walking away, everyone’s human, but the fact that marriage binds legally and financially makes it much HARDER to walk away from should trouble arise. Marriage would (or at least, should) make people work harder, try harder, and think for a second longer before doing irretrievable damage to the relationship. An unmarried couple with the same relationship dynamics would probably more easily throw in the towel and walk away faster, because they don’t have those financial ties. In that sense, I do think that’s where the difference in having a ring and legal contract lies in…

      • bits

        yes marriage makes it HARDER to leave but a person CAN still leave. the point is a person should never stay in an unhealthy situation because financially they are bound to be in that situation. That scenario always leads to an unhealthy and resentful relationship. And we are talking about what is best for the children. If a parent feels obligated to stay married just because it is HARDER to remove themselves from a relationship then the child will definitely pick up on that resentment. A relationship works and is made sacred not because two people are held hostage by a financial or legal contract. The beauty of a relationship is in the commitment and time that both parties are willing to sacrifice to make it work. This can definitely be achieved without signing contracts.

        • Miss Anonymous

          That is true–no couple should ever stay
          together if financial ties are the only thing holding them together, or if
          there is physical/emotional/mental abuse. If there are deep-seated issues, the child will sense it and become even more negatively affected. Therefore, in the case of unhealthy situations, marriage should definitely not be considered. But for those situations, if there is a risk of any of these issues that can make staying impossible, why even bring a
          child into the mix at all?

          For most every day relationships, provided that the two people have put in the time/commitment/sacrifice to make it work, and they have a child, what is negative about marriage? Marriage would be beneficial in that it not only combines the assets of both people, but also provides a stable structural and psychological unit for the child (assuming that this is a typical relationship with no terribly unhealthy situations). Of course a person CAN still leave in those normal everyday relationships, but my point is that the financial and legal ties marriage brings would lead people to second guess any rash decisions they want to make about leaving, should the ups and downs of life momentarily weaken those sacred bonds built by the time/commitment/sacrifice.

          The commitment between the two people can certainly, and SHOULD, be achieved without signing contracts, but it would be the contract that ensures it wouldn’t be tampered with as easily. Again, not saying it CAN’T happen, but it may trigger those few seconds of doubt/hesitation before any damage can be done to the relationship, and those few extra seconds of thought can go a long way.

          • bits

            There is no way to tell if a relationship will go sour in the future unless the people involved are psychic. Marriage complicates things by putting people in awkward situations when and if they do want out of a situation. Combined assets does not equal stable family life. Raising a child is not a mechanical thing and it should not be based on combined assets and contracts. Sure people may second guess leaving if they are financially bonded (which btw most people that marry aren’t that financially set where they even have that many assets if any) to a situation but all of the second guessing in the world cannot erase the fact that if its time to leave a relationship its time. And people will find a way out. Marriage just makes that process messier. Also just because you’re married doesn’t mean that assets and finances are shared. there are lots of married couples who keep things separate (taxes, bank accounts, IRA etc). Which leads us right back to the question of what makes marriage so different from a committed relationship? I still stand by “nothing at all”. If a relationship is damaged combined assets and second guessing is not the cure. This whole concept that children need to be raised in a traditional married household to ensure stability is just not true. Children thrive off of love. And rather that love comes from a man and woman, 2 women, 2 men, grandparents, single mom, single dad it doesn’t matter. The point is rings and contracts has everything to do with image and nothing to do with long lasting love or support of children.

            • Miss Anonymous

              Yea marriage is no guarantee that a person won’t walk out, and yes it makes it messier to end a relationship, but that messiness is also a step to prevent it from happening as easily. Not much is guaranteed to work out in life. But that doesn’t mean you
              don’t try. Nobody is able to say that they’ll never get into a car
              accident while driving, but that’s why they take precautions such as
              putting the seatbelt on and getting airbags, being aware of other cars,
              getting car and medical insurance, etc. People don’t just skip all those
              things or not drive at all just because it’s not guaranteed it’s
              accident-proof. Marriage works as a precaution, and why wouldn’t you
              want that precaution if it’s attainable? And if it’s such a hassle to end a marriage and the ease of walking away is that important, how is having kids together less messy and easier to go through with than marriage?

              Marriage represents the promise you make not only to yourselves to be with each other through thick and thin (obviously most important), but because, as you said, there is no guarantee in life that would happen even after you think you did your best, it is also an announcement to family, friends, higher institutions, and God (if you’re religious/spiritual) that you will TRY for the family and that there will be consequences (whether financial/emotional/societal) if you don’t. Therefore, it shows that you believe in your love enough and have enough faith in your relationship to deal with the consequences if you don’t keep your word. Hence, the safeguarding that marriage brings to the kids that result.

              • bits

                thanks for your point of view but I still stand by the fact that love, passion and commitment can all be obtained without a ring and a contract. that fact is achieved everyday. Marriage does not make a relationship stronger and its an “institution” that is designed to implicate superiority for those who submit to it. Marriage vs. committed relationships is like the difference between eating a steak dinner in a school gym or a fancy restaurant. Either place doesn’t take away from the the fact that the dinner is delicious, nourishing and appreciated. A child could care less if the parents are married as long as the parents are together and unified for the love of their child. At the end of the day is marriage NEEDED to nurture and ensure a beautiful childhood for children…absolutely not.

                • Ms. Anonymous

                  Thanks for your opinions as well. It begs the question that, if all that love, passion, and commitment is there, then why not add a bonus and get married, which would benefit the child even more?

                  Marriage may seem like a “piece of paper”, but it’s a doorway to much more–w/o it, the child will only get social security benefits from the mother and not the father, even if he signed the birth certificate. If the father dies, the child, nvm the mother, would not inherit any of his possessions. This is not a defense of gold-digging or any of that ish, this is just a matter of material
                  security for people who you profess to love and commit, and who love and are committed to you.

                  In addition, even if the unmarried father is listed in the birth certificate, he has no parenting or timesharing rights to the child;
                  should the mother, for whatever reason, decides to up and leave w/ the kid, it will be difficult for court to side w/ him if he protests. It would then be hard for the father to be fully present in his child’s life. If the parents were married, the father could at least fight to be in the child’s life w/ less loopholes.

                  On a side note, marriage enables your spouse to help make important decisions should you be unable to do so. As Mrs. M gave as an example below, she was only able to visit and make medical decisions for her husband because she’s his legal wife. In
                  turn, her child’s father was not able to make medical decisions for the child had he not been married to the mother, Mrs. M. While certainly not fair, whether that is fair or not is another debate. But as the laws are currently as is, if children are in your hosuehold, why short-change them by not being married before they come out?

                  So another important aspect is that marriage demonstrates to the state that people who are formerly not blood-related should now be recognized as a family, who are allowed to make decisions that family can. People can say all they want that there’s no need
                  for public recognition as long as they know what they have, etc, but what good is all that love/passion/commitment when practical and necessary things cannot be achieved as well? BOTH aspects need to be present for a child to be optimally raised.

                  • Darien

                    Well said. I was reading your whole exchange with Bits and you really argued the case for marriage very well. It’s more than paper and you know what gets me(I think you’ll share this opinion)… why do people look at the failure statistics for marriage and hold on to that for their reasons for not wanting to get hitched, but when it comes to the endless hardships and failures in relationships of unmarried folks with kids…nobody cares. They just join right in and actually drink the “cool aid.” I love when those with a tall glass of it and evidence on their shirt claim others are drinking it ctfu…excellent defense, marriage-minded people thank you!

                    • Ms. Anonymous

                      Thanks for the comments Darien!
                      Yea I noticed that many people do seem to bring up the negatives of having a child without marriage, without looking at the positives, especially for the child. But I’ve had many people tell me they’re pissed that one parent isn’t in their lives anymore, that they didn’t try (which non-marriage would enable moreso than marriage), and I can see how that absence has affected them and permeated into many decision they’ve made in life….but I’ve never seen people jumping with joy saying they’re GLAD their parents aren’t together, or didn’t at least give it a shot.
                      I’m sensing that a main underlying anxiety seems to be over the possibility of not being able to get out of the relationship without repercussions. But if you’re so worried about getting out, then why are you trying to share a baby, whose existence is gonna link you together for the next 18 yrs or so??
                      Anyways, that’s just my 2 cents, thanks again for the support.

    • Mrs M

      The difference is that when my husband was in a coma, I could make medical decisions for him according to his wishes. If we didn’t have that legal bond, I wouldn’t have even been allowed to visit.
      The difference is when we weren’t married and the doctor in the delivery room told him that he didn’t take what boyfriends have to say seriously. If there had been an emergency, he as the father of my child would have had no say in my care or the care of his child.
      The difference is us identifying as a family unit and being identified as such legally. Trust me, if you love and commit to someone, a piece of paper doesn’t complicate things, but it does make complicated situations easier.

      • bits

        thank you and i understand where you are coming from but fundamentally the concept of marriage does not equal a better outcome for raising children which is the topic at hand here. Whether a childs parents are married or not should not make a difference. The laws that you listed basically say that people who sign contracts that legally bind them are better than people who don’t. The fact that the doctor refused to respect the father of your child because you both weren’t married at the time is not a testament to the sacredness of marriage but to the praise of discriminatory actions/views towards unmarried couples. you not being married at the time your child was born didn’t make the childs father any less of a father but because the law discriminates against unmarried people he was ostracized. the problem is in the law and in how married people are viewed as opposed to unmarried people.If two people love each other and are committed to one another their love is not less valid because they didn’t get “married”. It’s societies false stance on the importance of marriage that is the problem. A married couple is no better than a committed couple but because the law states differently everyone follows suit. History is full of laws that pitted one group against the next. At one time there was a law that stated that white people were better than black people and that they should never be in relationships. Some laws need to be changed because they promote discrimination and bias attitudes in society.

    • Mrs M

      The difference is that when my husband was in a coma, I could make medical decisions for him according to his wishes. If we didn’t have that legal bond, I wouldn’t have even been allowed to visit.
      The difference is when we weren’t married and the doctor in the delivery room told him that he didn’t take what boyfriends have to say seriously. If there had been an emergency, he as the father of my child would have had no say in my care or the care of his child.
      The difference is us identifying as a family unit and being identified as such legally. Trust me, if you love and commit to someone, a piece of paper doesn’t complicate things, but it does make complicated situations easier.

    • Mrs M

      The difference is that when my husband was in a coma, I could make medical decisions for him according to his wishes. If we didn’t have that legal bond, I wouldn’t have even been allowed to visit.
      The difference is when we weren’t married and the doctor in the delivery room told him that he didn’t take what boyfriends have to say seriously. If there had been an emergency, he as the father of my child would have had no say in my care or the care of his child.
      The difference is us identifying as a family unit and being identified as such legally. Trust me, if you love and commit to someone, a piece of paper doesn’t complicate things, but it does make complicated situations easier.

  • Gye Nyame

    Marriage is not perfect and it takes maturity, commitment, and sacrifice. I find this generation of women are extremely immature and they don’t understand marriage or the role of the family when it comes to child development. So tell me as black people we are the enlightened race that analyzed all the pros and cons of marriage, and now we reject the institution…please! We are falling behind and in many cases regressing as a race b/c of this and we need to wake up. Other races understand this, why is this concept so hard for us to grasp? And when I speak to the older generation of blacks, they understood this too, so what’s up with us?

  • JettMane

    women are way too plentiful and promiscuous to marry, i’ll have my way with many without spending a dime.

    • Kendra15

      Say it again! Black Women need more black males speaking on this issue and telling the ladies the truth about how you all feel. Maybe this will help our community instead of just letting this type of destruction continue to happen.

      • kendra15

        Because a lot of these Babies mothers are making excuses instead of owning up to reality. But my question to you is, if you found the woman that challenged your assumption of women these days, would you consider marriage?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

      If your sleeping around with the same number of women you deem promiscuous, you aren’t marriage material either.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Ideally children should be brought into this world by two parents who are committed and dedicated to raising that child together in a nice stable home. Ideally this commitment would be solidified with a marriage. However, if they aren’t married but have been together (not off and on bullshyt) for years that will work too.

    I can’t with these women and men knowing each other for weeks or months popping out kids they know are going to immediately be thrust into a broken (or never was) home. That ish isn’t fair to those babies at all.

  • Miss Anonymous

    “And I couldn’t agree more. But there are also married women out there who battle with stability and find themselves raising children on their own or in unhealthy, unhappy environments, even though they have husbands. So when it all boils down to it, it’s really not about being married or single, but creating a safe, secure, loving environment for your seed before you decide to bring them into this world.”

    And this is exactly what matter most everyone, the above statement. My dad taught me that at the end of a day a man can leave you (dating or marriage) and you will have to provide and do for your kids. Even in a divorce alot of men will leave the old fam for the new fam and divorce the kids as well. this is what he told me and has witnessed from dealing with army men of different races. a good healthy environment is what matters for the kids.

    • bits

      So true! the focus is on the wrong thing and that is whats throwing everybody off! its not about putting a ring on it because lets face it putting a ring on it could also mean splitting half of everything with the other party if things don’t work out (along with other financially devastating things-divorce fees anyone?). Its about providing a stable life for the child and that means having loving supportive parents. Being married does not make you more loving or supportive.

      • Miss Anonymous

        Yep and the sad thing is there is even a slight debate on the divorced single mother vs never married single mother like really yall? I didnt know there was divorcee benefits. This lady I know had trplets with her ex husband and doesnt get any more easiness cause she use to be married compared to a single mother. Whats next, “a cheating husband bringing back a outside baby is better than him bringing back a std?”?

        • bits

          lol @ divorcee benefits!

  • Machelle Kwan

    Well in today’s world, a stable loving environment is going to be almost impossible for most black kids to find. Our communities are in total disarray. And a lot of these men out here aren’t fit to marry or procreate with. Even some of these women aren’t fit to be mothers. If I was a young woman just starting out in life, I would probably give up on marriage and kids. This modern American culture doesn’t support healthy black marriages or healthy environments to raise black children in.

  • for real now?

    ok. I just had to make a comment on this article. This article is glossing over alot of reality. It is a myth that a large percentage of women having children out of wedlock are highly educated, financially secure women who made a choice to just go it alone. A lot of women having babies out of wedlock are young, financially unstable women with low self esteem who believe a baby is a quick way to love either from the baby father and/or the child itself. There are studies out there that prove marriage is beneficial for a child over single parenting or cohabitation. I’m just giving a dose of real because I feel like so many of our beautiful black queens are short changing their selves out of fear or desperation. Don’t believe the hype ladies!!!!

    • Miss Anonymous

      There are studies out there that prove [a good] marriage is beneficial for a child….

      I agree. :-)

      • for real now?

        lol :-) I meant a good marriage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

    The truth is, I don’t know why I keep reading these types of
    articles. All they do is make Single Mothers like myself feel bad about our
    choice. In my case, I am a 37-year old woman with a beautiful 1 year old boy.
    The man I was with seemed to be nice, stable and have good qualities. After
    waiting 5 months for intimacy, and despite using 2 forms of birth control, I
    ended up pregnant. I was faced with 3 choices – have an abortion (which I am
    against doing), give my child up for adoption (I couldn’t live with my child
    being out there somewhere) or raise him myself – which felt right and still
    does. I gave the father the option to be involved. He was uninterested in
    continuing our relationship and didn’t want to be a father at that time. Rather
    than chase him, I focused on our son and resolved to do the best I could
    myself. I am financially stable with a great career. I do not believe that my
    child will suffer any adverse effects from being surrounded only by people who
    wanted him. These articles all say that children are negatively affected from
    not having a father around, but I think it is far worse to subject a child to a
    father who doesn’t want to be there. Instead of his father, my son has a
    wonderful grandfather and a loving uncle who are there to show him what real
    men look like. I don’t come from a broken home. I was raised well financially,
    my parents have been married for 38 years and I don’t fit the stereotype. Some
    may refer to me as a baby mama, but never more than once.

    • Gye Nyame

      Farrah I’m so sorry these comments made you feel bad. I don’t think you are the typical woman we are discussing, but continue to keep your son surrounded with love and healthy male figures b/c he is one year old now, but raising a 14 year old young man that is in search of a role model is a different story. Your son will be ok b/c he has you as a mother and you will do every and anything in your power to ensure his success.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        Thanks – sometimes us Single Mothers out there who are working it need encouragement!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        I think about that all the time – and grateful that I have wonderful men in my family that are willing to teach him, even if his father isn’t willing. Thank you.

    • Miss Anonymous

      *Sends hugs* Dont feel bad Farrah, I know your gonna raise your son very well and he has great roles models to look up too also. I feel bad when ready these articles also even when it doesnt apply to me.

      I think the main underlying thing in these articles are the single vs married thing but in a twisted way. Its like “well atleast so and so was married even if he was this, that and a third. Its better than the single who *insert stereotype*” Everyone knows about the good positives but its like they are overridden.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        Thank you :-)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Farrah-Marriott/100000059893151 Farrah Marriott

        Thanks – I shouldn’t take it so personally. I know I am doing the very best for my son under my circumstances. The only thing that keeps me up at night is when the day comes that he figures out how little his father wants to be around him. Thankfully, my family is full of wonderful men who love him immensely and can show him how to step up to responsibility instead of running away.

    • TRUTH IS

      I am with you. I heard you loud and clear. Dont feel bad, every body’s story is written different. Be strong and do the best you can. Karma will bite these men in the arze!!

    • CarlaKah

      Hey Farrah, I know some of these articles and comments may generelise all single mothers as the same. Know that your comment actually touched me. You seem to be secure, stable and loving and I wish you the best.

    • CarlaKah

      Hey Farrah, I know some of these articles and comments may generelise all single mothers as the same. Know that your comment actually touched me. You seem to be secure, stable and loving and I wish you the best.

    • Darien

      Not all single mothers are the same. Personally believe one parent could be better than two depending on who they are. If a father is nothing, he’d be better off away from the kid, but if he’s is about his business, he should be in the picture. Your decision is over and you shouldn’t feel bad. These articles just want people to respect marriage and not look at it as something horrible, scary or a waste of time. Nothing is guaranteed, but certain situations are ideal are the real main points of this article,but at least you’re taking care of your situation.

  • Strongfaith

    It is a sad time in our generation. My mother and father divorced when I was 10 separated when I was 7. I witnessed my mother struggling throughout most of my childhood. I am so thankful that my mother became very very involved with the church and realized her faults of divorcing my father. My father in my eyes was a deadbeat, but for my mother to explain the religious reasons of why she should not have divorced changed my views and helped me to understand marriage now that I am older. Marriage is sacred and instead of blaming my father for not being active in my life as a child, I have now looked at the situation and realize what I want in a husband. I have no kids and think that having children with no intentions of being married is not the best idea. I think people have merely forgotten the reason for marriage and then kids. People have forgotten that your children will one day continue your legacy once you are old. How will they understand life in general if you set no example for them? Don’t get it wrong, I have many friends close friends that have children out of wedlock, and some that have gotten married after kids which is great. But black women need to come together more, and begin to put our foot down, and make men realize we have standards. I was not always informed with this information, so I can clearly see how some end up as just a baby mother, but women 25 and up should know better and have more standards, not because you simply want to get married, but because religiously this is the way it should have been. If you don’t believe in Christianity that is one thing, but for those who do, you should look more into the reasons for marriage.

    • Laine

      Okee… I read your comment, and allthough I agree with some parts of it, the beginning I just can’t agree with. If I understand you correctly, your father was a deadbeat, but your mother should not have dicorced him because of God? I believe God wants us to be happy first and foremost. Your mother, and you were not happy with your father in your lives, and therefore I believe your mother did not make a mistake when divorcing your father !

    • CarlaKah

      I agree with Laine on the father-part. Divorcing a deadbeat shows your daughter not to stay with a deadbeat let alone marry one… I do not see which explanation could have changed your mind about that….

    • CarlaKah

      I agree with Laine on the father-part. Divorcing a deadbeat shows your daughter not to stay with a deadbeat let alone marry one… I do not see which explanation could have changed your mind about that….

  • Tee

    This is the baby daddy, baby mama generation. I believe some men actually look for women to have a baby with just so they can have this woman or a woman in their life to go “back and forth” with, just in case they get lonely and can’t find or be with the woman they “really” want, or just because they don’t really want a commitment but don’t mind having a baby.They figure that the mother is the one that will keep the kid a majority of the time and they can come and go as they please.The sad thing is that some women continue to accept this back and forth behavior. They need to understand that a baby doesn’t give you rights to control what the other person does, or who he/she is with. You just have a baby together. That is your child’s father, or mother, the only thing that belongs to you is the child, not the person attached, and in some of the cases, one or both parties, just can’t get this through their heads. Marriage is a different story, like someone mentioned, all of you have the same last name, you are a cohesive family as ONE. This is not to say all situations where two people share a child before marriage, are the same. Some of these relationships are between two mature adults and life happens, we can’t predict everything even if we are safe(condoms, birth control, etc)

  • MarriagebeforeCHILDRENisBEST

    Marriage is very important before having children and the author of this article knows this too.

    “Sure, it’s nice to walk down the aisle and have the whole shabang before you have children…”

    WHY is it nice is what is KEY. Statistics show that children who are raised by a mother and father benefit in so many more ways than children who grow up in single parent households.

  • JettMane

    why buy the cow when i can get the milk for free, while not risking any of my hard earned wealth?

    • TRUTH IS

      Why buy the entire pig for a little sausage?!? rofl

      • JettMane

        since when did women get married for sex?

        • TRUTH IS

          Tables are turning…..keep looking at your shiny….they will grow feet and mourn you at your grave…tehehe

          • JettMane

            i’m not understanding.

            • CarlaKah

              That is the problem I guess…

            • CarlaKah

              That is the problem I guess…

    • Kendra15

      At the same token it seems you are going after the wrong female if you are afraid of loosing your hard earned wealth, or If you feel every woman is after your income, you are maybe just maybe a little selfish because a man is supposed to provide and give security to his family. Now the woman you choose to marry is another story, your judgement would have to be on point in order to decipher if she is in it for the long run or there simply for your money.

  • Gye Nyame

    This is something other races have figured out and that is the family unit is the most important factor when raising children. Statistically the majority single mothers are at or below the poverty line, and their children suffer from a host of issues. This is why as blacks we are always behind the 8 ball, children from a two parent home have double the resources, time, and attention. I’m not talking about dysfunctional two parent homes (b/c those can do just as much damage) but this idea that what we are currently doing is working for us is just FLAT OUT WRONG, and the sad part is we know it!

  • JustSayin

    This is HILARIOUS to me. I am watching how women are judging other women’s choices. That is essentially what you are doing. Telling them that without marriage they are just some irresponsible promiscuous thirsty woman. That really isn’t the case. I am a single mother. My son’s father is ALWAYS in his life. But; after a long relationship of dating and being engaged… at the end of the day I much rather be a single mother than with a man I grew apart from. Same thing happens in marriage. I don’t believe women don’t see it as an option. I think that through all the cautionary tales of “down low” men, cheating, lies, poverty and everything else that was seen as a warning… this generation is a little bit more independent. Women are teaching their daughters to take care of themselves, educate themselves and THEN care for their men. While men are taught to basically do the same. I don’t think they are irresponsible at all… yes there are SOME but not the majority. There are more bitter divorced women then bitter baby mamas. I think that in today’s age… marriage is the new “virgin until marriage.” concept. The previous generation don’t understand it but its just something new.

    • Gye Nyame

      If this is so funny to you maybe I should invite you to some schools so that you can see first hand what this is doing to our community. Some days I feel so sorry for the students I have to counsel that I just cry b/c this is really a problem that has real consequences. When will we honestly look at the facts and do something to correct this problem. Let me be honest, sometimes middle class blacks have no idea of the severity of this problem…I know I didn’t until I started teaching.

      • JustSayin

        I think you need to read what I said was hilarious. Because obviously you started off believing that the concept of being a single mother is hilarious. Well I don’t need you to take me to visit these schools. I work with foster children, low income children and single parent homes every single day. So before you start throwing stones at people and realize that it is not a “Black” problem… Single mothers are not a burden on the government. Black males are not a burden on the government. When women and men are taught they are a burden then they are destined to live up to the dream. Take note to the black faces and how the african americans were perpetuated and how the stereotypes begun to be seen throughout the community. You see something… eventually it gets mimic. So; pardon me for speaking for the women that are out there who are independent and chose not to be married. Just like those people in the 80′s who were considered “loose” because they lost their virginity before they were married. Or; the “fast” women who chose to work in the corporate world instead of being maids. It is called change and people adapt. Every generation dams the next generation to hell. And; you clearly are not that different. judging my comment before really reading it. SMH

        • Gye Nyame

          Independent women who “choose” not to be married can have the same issues with their children (watch an episode of save our sons, or again I invite you to visit a school). See people love to talk about being a “good” single parent when they are raising a 1 year old or a 5 year old…talk to me when that boy is 16. And you can research women during the puritan age, and they were not virgins, but not being a virgin on your wedding night did not impact the community, so as far as I’m concerned your comparing apples and oranges. BTW being a single mother disproportionately effects black people so you can save your little history/sociology lesson because the solution will always start and end with the family.

          • JustSayin

            Oh lawd… First we are talking about a woman not “respecting” herself enough to chose to get married and now we are talking about the community. I am not sure if you are just bitter and old or just bitter. You are just set in your ways and I feel sorry for you. Not all men abandon their children and not all women are single mothers with baby mama drama and their children grow up to cruise the streets looking for a way to cure their promiscuity. Reality is… that is a stereotype. Period. Not about to argue with you on that. You may need to focus on what I said… MARRIAGE is the new generation discussion. Thats what I said. It is a legal thing that this generation does not deem necessary. Does not have to do with respect or self esteem. Sometimes… people just don’t see the importance of it anymore. Period. Doesn’t mean it applies to everyone. There are plenty of couples (all races) that are together but not married. Or; some that are successfully raising a child and that child grows up to be awesome minus all the issues you are claiming. What I said is that not all single mothers are a burden on the government. you need to step back and READ instead of assuming. because; your judgmental comments are part of the reason why some people chose to go the opposite way that the generation went before them. close minded. smh

            • Gye Nyame

              I’m not closed minded, and I’m not old or bitter. I trust facts not a bunch of single women talking about what they think is best. I get my advice from the elders in my community because they have experience and they have raised successful children. That’s another problem with us we seek life advice and advice about marriage from women that have no experience. The family unit has been in place for thousands of years, and all of a sudden it’s not worth having? Btw most people pretend they don’t want things they feel they can’t have, and I truly believe that’s why black women act like they don’t want to get married.

              • JustSayin

                I am convinced that you don’t read. Absolutely positively convinced that you scan and search out certain words and then build up your own summary. What you said has ZERO to do with what I said. Have a nice day. Something is seriously wrong with you.

                • Gye Nyame

                  Its hard to read everything that you type because you’re rambling and it takes you 3 paragraphs to get to the point…jeesh. There’s is absolutely nothing wrong with me other than I’m tired of reading your dissertation…just get to the point without writing a novel. You have a nice day.

                  • JustSayin

                    You are so full of it. No one told you to read my comments. And; if anything that just proves my point. you didn’t read the comment and just made up your own assumption. SMH. ur done.

      • Machelle Kwan

        Then why don’t you tell these men to marry these women they have all these kids with? Oh my bad, a lot of black men have so many “baby mamas”, they can’t get married cause you’re only allowed one wife in this country. I saw a story the other day about a dude who had nine kids with six women..That’s a crying shame. He wasn’t trying to ever get married and he will never have one now. But nobody ever talks about the aspect of black men having tons of kids all over the nation with various women.

        • Gye Nyame

          Why should I tell a man to marry a women that didn’t respect herself or her body enough to demand a loving functional relationship before she had his child. You can not control what men do, but you can control your own body and who you decide to father your children.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

            Why shouldn’t a man want to marry the mother of his children? And why don’t you talk to men about not having children they don’t plan on caring for? It’s like you expect men to be irresponsible children, but women are supposed to be adults. You are a very sick minded person probably blinded by religion and “schooling”.

            • Gye Nyame

              No honey, honestly I live a blessed life and I thank the creator every day. But what I notice is that I have friends and acquaintances that are really struggling as single parents, and I realize that the only real difference between them and myself is the father of our children. They are wonderful and educated, but the choice of father for their child has caused some issues in their life. I’m not sick minded or religious, I base my opinions on experience and facts…that’s all.

    • Machelle Kwan

      Preach. These women have been brainwashed by men and they don’t know the realities. The way things are going are lot of black women are just going to be better off celibate. There are plenty of kids to adopt. You see a lot of women on this page sound like middle class Huxtable kids. They don’t know anything about life outside of their fancy, cozy little seemingly perfect upbringing. I just know reality.

      • CarlaKah

        Look growing up in a broken home (with money or not) isn’t the best for a kid. Statistics show it, psychologist have written about it and know it and those of us who have lived it know it too. It’s great to be educated and take care of yourself and it’s amazing if you’re also doing well financially But adding a child to that equation without it having a second parent isn’t the best. Doesn’t mean the kid won’t be fine when you do your best. It is just not the best thing you can wish for a child that isn’t conceived yet. And we all want us to do better. Saying that “the way things are going a lot of black women are just going to be better off celibate” must really hurt the men out there that actually are marriage+father material and have a hard time being noticed. It just sounds like without celibacy you will pretty much end up being a baby mama anyway. So safe sex, being sensible, making thoughtful choices when it comes to men, looking for stability, compatibility and the willingness to be fully committed (marriage-minded in my book) is all not going to work? Just holding off on sex? I hope that is not what you’re saying. I just believe that celibacy might work if you are religious (therefor looking for someone who is also religious) AND also looking for compatibility and stability in the mental, social and financial area. something that a lot of young women are not doing these days. Other wise celibacy is just a weapon against men, a reaction to the sexual age we are in and a perfect way to pack the church with an increasing number of single, frustrated, black women. Which works perfectly for the pastor’s pockets.

    • CarlaKah

      And in the end the community is broken, keeps being broken and no one understands why…. Like I said… The whole baby mam/baby daddy reality that is so typical for this ethnic group… makes us look stupid… It is not about judgment. It is about problems in a community that need solving. It is not ok for so many black kids to be used to seeing single moms and be shocked if parents are still together. That is a very sad reality. yes mothers teach their daughters to be fully independent, but if there isn’t a second person teaching you how to treat a man(or partner) you do love (or their is no possibility for you to see it between your parents) then you are just being prepared for single parenthood. Of course I am describing a situation where independence is presented without the subtext that in a committed relationship you also need to compromise, work together, negotiate and sometime even give up some of that independence for the sake of making your relationship work. This is my opinion of course.

    • CarlaKah

      And in the end the community is broken, keeps being broken and no one understands why…. Like I said… The whole baby mam/baby daddy reality that is so typical for this ethnic group… makes us look stupid… It is not about judgment. It is about problems in a community that need solving. It is not ok for so many black kids to be used to seeing single moms and be shocked if parents are still together. That is a very sad reality. yes mothers teach their daughters to be fully independent, but if there isn’t a second person teaching you how to treat a man(or partner) you do love (or their is no possibility for you to see it between your parents) then you are just being prepared for single parenthood. Of course I am describing a situation where independence is presented without the subtext that in a committed relationship you also need to compromise, work together, negotiate and sometime even give up some of that independence for the sake of making your relationship work. This is my opinion of course.

  • Nikki

    Every child needs a mother and father in their life. And if you don’t have a both parents in your life then you need a mother or father figure. It makes a difference in the outcome of the child. A father is the first man a little girl loves, and he teaches her how a man should treat her. For the son, the father teaches him how to treat a lady and what it is to be a man.

  • Danielle

    Because along with this front page article is another about Why You need to get laid. There is nothing cool about promoting promiscuity. Lets focus on building better body image through restraint and respect for ourselves.

    • CarlaKah

      abstinence isn’t the ONLY way and that kind of politics DOESN’T work for the Majority of people (including senior citizens). My goodness. What happens if you abstain into a marriage that ends up in a divorce? Now you are divorced and know nothing about dating and safe sex?? My word… This is why kids are having sex while acting like saints and getting STD’s while singing in the choir. I pray you have no teens to raise right now….

      • Danielle

        Restraint doesnt mean abstinence it means making better choices. And as a matter of fact my husband and I are raising a well informed daughter who knows that her choices can cost her her life and change her future. She has been told that she is special and so is sex and that many adults cannot even handle the responsibility and when she is ready to considerate it as an option that she has parents who are willing to discuss with her the best options for her. And unfortunately abstinence is the only way, just not the realistic way. And abstaining from sex before marriage doesnt mean you know nothing about dating or safe sex, it means you made the best choice for yourself. I pray that You my dear are not raising any teens.

        • CarlaKah

          The last line was just childish. Obviously I misunderstood you and yes wives can be very catty I see so I will just keep praying. You do not know if abstinence is the best choice until you are out of the dating scene and it has worked for you. Not knowing your body sexually can be great if you get a partner that gives you space to grow and learn (or learns with you) unfortunately that situation isn’t guaranteed. Sex should not being given away easily I agree. But it shouldn’t be weapon against men either. I think the line between the two isn’t abstinence but knowledge, wisdom and (with time) experience. I know 27 year old virgins that were raised the way you described and the character of the woman makes that either a good thing or an obstacle.

    • Felicia Mason

      I think that women are the only gender that gets a black eye regarding promiscuity… that is unfair in this world.. I dont agree with that part of this statement because the reality is that unless you are being raped you chose each and every person that you laid down with… You can do what you choose to do while having a respect for your body…

  • Plumbline

    It is wise for both parties in the relationship to count the cost first. Build the foundation of marriage, before building the house………No ring=No sex, No living together, No kids. No empty promises…………

    ……..Genesis 2:24………
    Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

    • CarlaKah

      Ok that is the Jewish cultural line. Now one that works in 2012 and is your own.

      • Plumbline

        Your right. You must have both. Compatibility is very important. Spiritual compatibility is the most important. Common values, and interests are important. Looking at that persons past, and how they lived, will show you how they will live with you. Do they love and respect their parents. If not, watch out. Have they slept around a lot. Thats a warning flag. Check out the families of your possible future spouses, and how they raised there kids, common values, and faith. My point was, there are many relationships that are held together by band-aids rather than the strong glue of marriage. Marriage is the second most important decision a person will make in Life, so you must enter into it wisely, thoughtfully, and prayfully. The first most important decision is, to ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Saviour, the Good shepherd who wants to guide your life into green pastures, and beside still waters…….God Bless..

    • Machelle Kwan

      Sounds good. But good luck with that in a generation of godless men that don’t fear God and don’t believe in marriage. I really don’t see it getting any better.

      • Plumbline

        I hear you. But there are still some gems out there……Just like in the days of Elijah….

        …..Romans 11:3-5…..3 “Lord, they have killed Your prophets and torn down Your altars, and I alone am left, and they seek my life”? 4 But what does the divine response say to him? “I have reserved for Myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal.” 5 Even so then, at this present time there is a remnant according to the election of grace.

  • pretty1908

    WoW, you guys are going in ! I am neutral. I did not grow up in a two parent home. Truth is my parent’s didn’t marry until I was 15, but the difference between my mom and other women; she always keep it together. She never talked negatively about my father. Both of them made sure to be present and spend time with us . I did learn from my mother not to shack up or have children with someone who is not fully committed to your or having family. Married or Not !

  • Laine

    I agree with the writer 100%. But just a question out of curiosity for the women commenting:
    Of course the ideal is getting married and then having children.., but what if you are 35 and over (high risk pregnancy) and you are not in a commited relationship (yet). Would you rather wait for a man to marry you (who knows when) and risk not having children at all, or have a child with maybe a donor, and keep searching for that “soulmate”. What would you rather have the most, a child or a husband..?? Just a question out of curiosity!!

    • Ms. Kameria

      A husband, if that means he is there physically and financially for the child. Someone for my child to see everyday and knows that he is there in the home, and for everyone in my family to have the same last name, and family unity….in my mind. As for pregnancy being a risk or having circumstances where children couldn’t be conceived, I would try to adopt. (as a family nonetheless)

      • Just Saying!!

        I don’t think I could do that. Adoption is great but it’s not the same. I want to pass down my own genes lol

    • Kitsy

      That is a tough situation but something struck me in your question – you stated “not in a committed relationship (yet)” does that mean you’re just casually dating or that you are not dating at all? It’s important, because if you are a woman who wants to be married and wants to bear your own children, at 35 or older you should not be casually dating anyone or just sitting on the side hoping someone picks you out of the crowd. You need to be actively seeking a suitable mate. That’s a problem I notice with a lot of women – they say they want to be married or want a serious relationship yet they are putting up with men who only want to be f*ck buddies or they aren’t dating at all. It’s not going to happen by itself go out there and get what you want,

      • Laine

        What I mean is, you’re single.., and yes you are out there searching for a mate, but have not found him yet… and you’re also above 35, near 40, haven’t frozen your eggs.. etc…. Do you keep waiting? I ,for instance, couldn’t.. because yes I do want to have a husband, but I want to have a biological child more. Having biological children of my own weights more to me than having a husband, even is that means that I would have to raise my children on my own.

        • GirlSixx

          I will say this, if this is your choice to have a child on your own because you don’t foresee a suitable husband in the future and your biological clock you feel is ticking, just make sure you are financially, emotionally, mentally and physically capable of raising that child on your own and make sure you have some positive male role models (friends, relatives, pastor, etc.) that are willing to mentor your child.. and be there for positive reinforcement.

      • Laine

        To add something….You can marry at any point in time, but you can’t always have biological children.

      • Machelle Kwan

        She can’t make some man marry her. No woman can. And a woman can’t go looking for no man either. You’re really setting yourself up for disaster when you do that. It’s all by chance, and sometimes it’s just not meant to be for you. If a woman is getting older, she can just adopt.

    • CarlaKah

      A husband. Being 25 or 35 and a single mother is just as damaging for the kid. Why do it voluntarily.

      • Machelle Kwan

        She has a right to want a child whether she has a husband or not. Most women do want children. It’s a natural desier. There are many ways to have a family and if she doesn’t find a husband, which her life won’t end if she doesn’t, she can adopt. She can’t sit around waiting for something that might not ever happen. Because sometimes it never happens. A woman’s happiness doesn’t have to lie in having a husband. You ‘ve got to deal the cards you’re dealt and learn to be happy with what you have.

        • CarlaKah

          the question was personal. so my answer was too: I would rather have a husband.

    • RJA

      I’d rather have a husband. I don’t want kids at all

    • Gye Nyame

      I find our decision to have children sometimes is so SELFISH, how about asking the boy that has no father around, and so he decides to join a gang, or the girl getting caught giving he@d in the staircase at school cause she doesn’t have her father around. I teach and I can supply you with an endless amount of young people in this situation.

    • Dom

      I can see where you’re going with this. But I have to point out that the trend we’re seeing as black women is not 35+ single having a baby on their own b/c they’ve had to make that tough decision. Its young black women having children with men they are barely in committed relationships to. Let’s be real about that.

  • Ms. Kameria

    Women aren’t saying “I do” anymore, because it’s not a requirement anymore. It’s more socially acceptable to just be someone’s “baby mama”.

    • CarlaKah

      which just makes us look stupid in the end

      • Ms. Kameria

        I agree, it does. I’m the exception though because being “stuck” ending up someone’s baby mama looks like a trap that I refuse to fall into. It’s sad actually. But on the other hand, it also depends on the maturity of the guy (the age, generation, etc….) Either way, I don’t understand why someone would want to make themselves a statistic in that way.

        • CarlaKah

          I agree . But so many women grew up without a dad at home that they don’t know how to recognize the trap.

          • Ms. Kameria

            I agree. We’re well synced this morning lol

            • CarlaKah

              indeed

          • Nikki

            And the women that grew up without a father or father figure are the ones continuing the pattern… These are the women that can’t find a man to love them because she wasn’t taught how she should be treated.

            • CarlaKah

              and sometimes she doesn’t know how to treat a man either. sad.

              • Felicia Mason

                Now this I do agree with… women do NOT always know how to treat men..

                • CarlaKah

                  And how can you learn that on your own… That one is tough…

            • Machelle Kwan

              They can’t find a man to love because most black men don’t know what love is themselves. They don’t know love and they don’t want marriage. End of story.

              • Nikki

                As for you, take a seat… In the corner and face the wall… You need a time out.

            • Machelle Kwan

              You two parent chicks think you’re so special because your parents were married and had a little marriage certificate. Well I know so many two parent kids that came out way more screwed up than I ever could have. So don’t pat yourselves on the back. You aren’t better than anyone and your little condescending speech can kick rocks.

              • Nikki

                Darling, I never said I was better than anyone else. If anything you seem jealous of my two-parent household. Trust me it wasn’t rainbows and roses. There were times where I would beg my parents to get a divorce. I’m guessing you had a pretty sh*tty childhood. You might want to work on your reading comprehension skills before the new year starts.

                I said women that didn’t have a stable father figure in they lives are the ones that will take sh*t from guys even though they deserve more. These are the women that take forever (or never) to settle down.

              • Pivyque

                I don’t think i’m special because I came from a two parent household. I just feel fortunate. I didn’t know that I was in the minority until high school. I’m just glad that I had them to set a great example for me. Luckily, my parent’s marriage wasn’t screwed up so I didn’t grow up thinking that marriage was a miserable existence. I do know some people that were in two parent households and their parents fought all the time.

      • Meyaka

        Hella stupid… I wish I would…

      • Felicia Mason

        CarlaKah… that is your opinion and in my opinion I think you are incorrect… see how opinions work… we each have one and they can actually differ.

        • CarlaKah

          Of course. And still, based on statistics in the US and UK black women are expected to end up as single/unmarried mothers because there are so many of us (compared to other “ethnic” groups) that have so far. Which makes us look….. stupid. Mind you I am not looking down on single mothers, they often work very very hard to provide for their kids. I’m just saying that the numbers don’t lie. And they make us look not so smart when it comes to the choices that are being made regarding to family building. Now the way to solve this is to collectively raise a generation that thinks twice before procreating.

    • Machelle Kwan

      Are you serious? They aren’t saying I do because aint nobody asking them to get married in the first place! Black men as a whole DON’T want that. Don’t yall get it?

      • Gye Nyame

        I’m not trying to brag, but this whole black men don’t want marriage is bs. I chose to marry my husband at 24 and he WAS NOT the first man to ask me. There are men out there that want healthy relationships, and if you believe the mess that you are typing, that’s the type of man you will attract b/c you believe that’s the only type of man out there.

      • Ms. Kameria

        And I’m pretty sure that all of the single mothers (baby mamas) didn’t ask to have the kids they have and have raise them by themselves either…..

  • CarlaKah

    most men I’ve met hung out with am friends with, related to, work with , are my neighbors….. believe that marriage is something you do with THE WOMAN and when you’ re ready. A small minority doesn’t believe in marriage at all. Men know what marriage is to women. So for the SPECIAL ONE most of them will do it. Girls AND women of these days seem to buy into the false notion that modern men consider full commitment to be very different from being married. No ladies, men often consider those to be the same thing.

  • joy

    Ok if you really want to get technical or traditional, then how about people refrain from sexual intercourse before marriage. that’s the only real and true way to make sure you are not having children out of wedlock. teaching safe and preventive sex that’s not 100% baby proof or STD proof is not going to stop people from accidentally becoming pregnant. and we can’t go around telling women to get abortions as if its a form of birth control. All I say is men and women need to take responsibility of their actions and stop playing the blame game and start raising their children right whether they grow up in a two or one parent home.

    • CarlaKah

      Uhm, I say CONDOMS all day everyday until the day you want kids (or don’t mind being surprise-pregnant) and can offer the baby a stable, mature and safe home. If 98% of women that are sexually active stick to condoms until ring-notice… Men will follow.

      • Ms. Kameria

        I AGREE. That is what condoms are made for. In my case, so that I can be sure that an “accident” doesn’t happen, I use extra birth control. (Paragard). It may not be for everyone though. Condoms prevent pregnancy as well as disease.

        • CarlaKah

          Pills may not be for everyone but if the condoms breaks you SEE it and you can get a morning after pill, hence condoms should be used by everyone that is not in a position to offer a child an unbroken, stable, mature and safe home. If you have a boyfriend( meaning a commited relationship not one of those he’s my bf, she’s just a friend type of situations) you can try different sizes to ensure you aren’t using too tight or too lose ones and keep it moving. Every teenager should learn this before even attempting to have sex. Lord.

          • Ms. Kameria

            Yes ma’am, they should.

      • Gye Nyame

        Agreed! I’m married with 2 children and I’m on birth control! Having children is not a decision to take lightly.

    • Just saying!!

      I agree. I’m saving mysel for marriage but not to prevent pregnancy. I feel more women should at least raise their standards. Men are getting it wayy too easy so they have nothing to work for and treat you anyway they want. I don’t have to deal with that because the men interested in me know what’s good and know I demand respect. (not saying you have to be a virgin until marriage to demand respect but being harder to get helps I think)

      • CarlaKah

        definately. I have friends asking me how I get men to take me out to dinner, without so much as a kiss before it.. I am like wtf???

    • Felicia Mason

      Now this is a statement I can stick with… responsibility is the name of the game for both the mother and the father…

  • Herm Cain

    Single mothers are a burden on society and us the minority community are dealing with the repercussions for every child that comes from these homes and ends up successful I can show you 10 drug addicted in the system or repeating the cycle take control of your bodies these aren’t married couples who didn’t work out these are f**k buddies who made a mistake but we justify it with it doesnt matter how it got here its a blessing until lil Rayjon robs your a**

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Amen!

  • Kitsy

    -Too many women grow up in environments where men are transient and so they don’t believe marriage is even an option;

    -Birth control is not used regularity;

    -Having babies is seen as compulsory, even when young, unprepared and unstable;

    -People don’t understand (or they deny) that the lack of fathers in the home negatively affects their children’s development.

    • Gye Nyame

      I say it all the time, its like the band that continued to play as the titanic was sinking! We are in DENIAL about what this baby out of wedlock/single parent home is doing to us and our community. FACTS ARE FACTS!

      • Machelle Kwan

        At the end of the day, I honestly don’t believe a lot of black men even want marriage. Look, you can’t make these men want to get married. The man is the one that proposes marriage not the woman. A woman can’t really do much if the guy doesn’t want to get married but just move on. These men hold the ball in their hands but they are the ones dropping it. So many single black mothers exist because these men just don’t want responsibility. They’re just not interested in having a family and wife. It’s too much responsiblity and most these days aint cut out for it anyway. Face it, most of them just don’t want to get married!

        • Gye Nyame

          Then answer this, why was there a time when black women would not have a man’s baby without being married, black men GOT MARRIED. Now women will lay up with anything and have a baby, so men don’t get married. Its simple supply and demand…I’ll supply the baby but first I demand a marriage.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

            Why aren’t we raising men to do the right thing, instead of women telling them what to do? Men are not children. If getting married before children is what is needed they need to do it. Men need ot exhibit self control too. You expect a woman to turn a man down for sex, but you don’t think a man should turn a woman down? why does he not have the human brain capacity, to say and understand the word no?

            • Gye Nyame

              I never said anyone needs to turn down sex, I don’t care have sex with whom ever you want, but protect yourself and don’t have a baby with someone you don’t know, or who you know has no character and would make a terrible father. Usually if the man didn’t care about you and treated you bad, he will treat the child the same way.

          • Ms_Sunshine9898

            Exactly! If you shack up with a man, give him kids and give him nothing to look forward to in a marriage, what’s the incentive to get married? Nothing, which is why I will never shack, never have children before married and I’m definitely am considering abstinence for the long haul. Last man standing with the qualities that MY MARRIED FATHER taught a good man is supposed to have, and willing to wait til marriage is the man for me. Just saying. . .

          • Ms_Sunshine9898

            Exactly! If you shack up with a man, give him kids and give him nothing to look forward to in a marriage, what’s the incentive to get married? Nothing, which is why I will never shack, never have children before married and I’m definitely am considering abstinence for the long haul. Last man standing with the qualities that MY MARRIED FATHER taught a good man is supposed to have, and willing to wait til marriage is the man for me. Just saying. . .

    • Felicia Mason

      I just want to point out that just because a father is in the household does not mean that your child is NOT being negatively affected… take for instance a father that is physically abusing a mother… you dont think that child is being affected negatively, what about a child that watches their mother being abused verbally/mentally again a negative affected child even though it may not be as easy to notice… having a male figure in the household does not guarantee a positive outlook for a child… having a man that is dedicated to his family is what we would like to encourage our ladies to find … not just a male body.

      • Miss Anonymous

        This right here is what Im talking about. I would thumbs up your comment a thousand times if I could (lol). Many kids had the father in the house and he was good on paper but underneath the kids are messed up. Im lucky that even though my dad was always away because he was in the army I had other male family members there. Alot of people dont have that, army brats included. A dad in the house does equal great upbringing.

      • Strongfaith

        Even in this type of situation it shows the female/mother needs to desperately raise her standards when it comes to men. She should have investigated the man before having children. I am pretty sure their were signs that he was abusive, a cheater, irresponsible and so on. It does not take long to figure out a man, at the most within 6 months you will surely see signs. But because this woman brushed them off, now her child has to witness what she saw in this man before this child was conceived If she even took the time to figure it out before the child was conceived which is another issue SHE has. Sad truth

        • Gye Nyame

          Preach…

        • Machelle Kwan

          Look, life doesn’t come with some perfect set of rules. There’s no perfect man and there’s no perfect woman. And some men are very good manipulators. They pretend to be a certain way and then it all changes later. You can’t always predict what somebody else will do. Life just doesn’t work that way. But I guess it’s easier to throw stones when you live in a perfect glass house in Fantasy Land.

          • TanTAn78

            That’s right, keep living!

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

          so you think George Zimmerman was right for shooting TRayvon? He believed he was going to cause harm and protected himself? SO, you think it’s okay right?

      • Machelle Kwan

        Real talk. Even if the man isn’t in the home, he can still be a good parent It’s all up to the person. Everyone has to be responsible for their own actions. People just always have excuses.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Good point. However, if the mother knew and actually dated her husband for a couple of years before getting married she has a much higher chance of learning he’s abusive before they pop out kids or walk down that aisle.

      • Kitsy

        What you are describing is the result of a woman who has not properly vetted the man in her life BEFORE she went and had children with him. People can’t hide who they are for very long – it is a rare incidence indeed for a man who you have taken the time to know (not just him, but also his family) to suddenly do a complete 180 and turn into a monster.

        To the woman in the situation you have just described, I say this: The odds are, he was always a monster but you CHOSE not to see him for who he was; you thought you could change him and now you’re stuck and you’ve brought children into your dysfunction. Like I’ve heard many people say: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! Tell the truth! You don’t have to tell it to others, but at least be honest with yourself about the fact that you have made a bad choice!

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yep!

  • kay

    I believe marriage is important to have before babies. I have grown up in a 2 parent home and was the minorty when it came to tha tgrowing up.It was crazy how shocked friendswere when they knew my parents were together married and raising kids in a enviourment that was free of the every day drama they may have had to deal with. I know people say it doesnt matter but it does, having my father and mother present togethr as a couple showed e what marriage ooked like what husband looked like as well as a wife. I avoided alot of issues and situations due to having my father present and knowing the standard that is suppossed to be set when dating guys. I think its not fir to bring kids into caos and confusion, if you ask any kid they would want thier parents together not apart. There are exceptions to this but thats all it is exceptions.

    • Eileen

      I couldn’t agree more!

    • CarlaKah

      AGREED

  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

    Talking about tradition?!?
    Every and all generation get to have their own tradition. Isn’t it a tradition for a woman to stay in the house and take care of the kids? Are you open to hold on to that tradition, or are we building our own?

  • Eileen

    To each his own I guess. I’m not having a child out of wedlock and that’s my choice. I will not be a “baby mama”. Any man who can’t and won’t respect that can walk. Sorry guys but it’s wedding before womb with me!

    • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

      If you’re a divorce mother, you’re still somebody’s baby mama. The point is to make sure that you can take care of your kids no matter what.

      • Eileen

        Yes, but you also took on the role of “wife”, not baby mama first. Apparently babies before marriage is becoming a normality to a lot of people. Marriage is just a piece of paper to a lot of people and doesn’t matter to them. As I said, to each his own. I have my preference.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Marie/100001514647800 Rhonda Marie

          Seriously, it doesn’t matter much after divorce, especially if you’re dealing with an irresponsible man. Divorced women have it no better. I had my kid while married, I automatically got child support in the divorce decree, but so what? He doesn’t pay it, isn’t around, and I play mother and father just like most other single mothers. No one looks at me and says, “Well, at least she was married before she had hers…”, I’m just regarded as a single mother.

          Any divorced woman who goes around with her nose up in the air because she HAD a paper, ring, and her kids while married is worried about the wrong thing, IMO.

          • Widows Get Judged Too!

            If a lady has sexual relations outside of marriage; there’s always a chance a child can be conceived as a result. I know a lot of these High and Mighties are trotting about the Comments section on their high horses—due to the contraceptive prescriptions which may very well be compromising their fertility as we ‘type’. Even more of them have gotten abortions. They’d do best to climb on down, get real, and make sure THEIR glass house got some padding before you go throwing stones.

            • oopsie

              oops…meant to say before THEY go throwing stones

            • guest

              blank stare….I don’t know what you are talking about or what that has to do with choosing to have a child out of wedlock. You mention abortions, but there are also responsible women who pratice safe sex and use contraception so as NOT to find themselves in this position, particularly with a man she is dating casually.

            • Darien

              HUH?

          • Lady Ngo

            AMEN!

      • CarlaKah

        uhm no. divorced momma is divorced momma. baby momma has never seen the ring from baby daddy. GIT

        • Miss Anonymous

          Thats true but nowadays divorced guys (young ones) refer to their ex wives as a baby mama too. *shrugs*

          • CarlaKah

            probably out of spite? I find it disrespectful towards the marriage that was, honestly…. Maybe because I connect the term to having babies out of wedlock..

        • http://twitter.com/SLAPBOXXRADIO SLAPBOXXDOTCOM

          Yea you are still a baby momma luv. Just cause you got a ring don’t mean anything..

          • CarlaKah

            I do not agree at all. That type of thinking has ladies having babies without the ring. because supposedly “it doesn’t mean a thing”

            • Darien

              Don’t listen to him. Trying to change rules. Probably how he gets to brainwash the chicks he deals with. Ain’t nobody stupid. It means a lot.

          • guest

            It means everything. If he respects you and his child, he will marry you.

            • Nene

              I agree.

          • Darien

            No. She was respected by a man who wanted to make her an honest woman. She’s single, but we say baby mom to acknowledge women who have kids who weren’t married. You got it twisted.

        • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

          No, divorce mothers are EX WIVES and BABY MAMA’S. You can be each one without the other or you can be both.
          Where have you heard any talking about as ” MY DIVORCE MOTHER”? Aint nobody say that sh*t. You either say, my Ex wife or my Baby Mama.

          • CarlaKah

            then you say ex-wife. I’never heard of an ex wife being called baby mama by the father.

            • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Marie/100001514647800 Rhonda Marie

              Really? My ex-husband does that ish all the time. It’s about disrespect, which is primarily why he’s my EX husband. Marriage means much less to folks now than it did back in the day

              I can call myself divorced, a divorcee, divorced mother or whatever, but when people see me with my kids and no husband, I’m just another single mother (as are we all). Doesn’t bother me, but there’s no prestige to being a “divorced single mother” as opposed to a never married single mother.

              • Nene

                I agree marriage doesn’t mean anything to people now and days. People get married for all the wrong reasons and wonder why it doesn’t work out.

              • Jus Sayin

                i disagree – divorced means that you are entitled to some legal benefts from your ex husband

              • Darien

                It’s a shame that you say that. You were married once. You had the highest form of commitment from a man. That counts. Don’t downplay that fact.

          • guest

            Not sure what circles you run in, but where I am from, a divorced man refers to his children’s mother as his ex-wife. I have never heard anyone refer to his ex-wife as a baby mama. You should clarify that with people you’ve encountered which are not the norm, thank God.

          • Whitley

            Shut up,you don’t know how stupid and dumb you sound. You can be quiet now,but I just proves how big of a fool you really are…

            • Darien

              Exactly, he sounds like a clown who’s just trying to make the girls he knows or mess with feel better lmao.

          • Darien

            There’s a difference yet again, but if it makes you feel better. SMH you obvious don’t get it and look slow from this statement…others here agree.

        • Nene

          A divorced woman with kids is considered an ex wife aka baby mama.

          • CarlaKah

            I consider the term “baby momma” something that goes with “having babies out of wedlock”. I guess we have different definitions here

          • Darien

            No, one, she has seen a ring. Two, she was actually a wife on the books and to God if the couple believes. Three, she was respected to some degree and finally, if the man was in a coma and it was uncertain what to do, the the ex was in a position to make a call if it came down to it, not baby mom…nobody asks them to be a part of anything…just like the men who impregnated them.

        • Darien

          Yeah also means the guy wanted future dealings with you passed the bedroom.

      • Ms. Kameria

        If you’re a divorced mother, more than likely you and your children will all still have the same last name. On paper, that could possibly show someone that you (were) married.

        • TRUTH IS

          So same last name is important even tho you live under one roof in hell?!? I would rather live on the roof than be in a relationship made of fire and brimstone!! Everybody’s situation is different. And am still baffled why single mothers are getting the brunt of this….what happen to trifling men who become fathers. No you dont have to stick with the mother to perform your parental responsibilities. The men evade their kid totally and thats the big problem. Not the single mothers who try their utmost best to provide for their kid. Men get a free pass in all this!! Some ppl believe abortion is wrong some have no problem with it. Why isnt that respected? I always say not because she doesnt have a baby doesnt mean she was never pregnant. God is the creator of life. Let him be the judge!!

          • CarlaKah

            It is not necessarily judgement towards single mothers… it is the recognition that unmarried single motherhood-situations mostly start with unprotected sex where both parties are involved but the risks fall upon the woman if their relationship (if there is one) doesn’t work out. Knowing this makes the woman the one who needs to protect herself the most. The child will after all in most cases be raised by either both parents or his mother. Yes we are extremely pissed at men who just up and leave their child behind. But if that man wasn’t your husband from the get go….. You really didn’t have the FULL commitment promised to you. These are just my two cents. Like I said before, most men I have been around consider FULL (meaning lifelong) commitment and marriage to be the same thing. Dating (meaning being boyfriend and girlfriend) is (possible) commitment for as long as it’s nice and exciting.

          • CarlaKah

            And i’m not a fan of abortion. I prefer using condoms (+ pills) until marriage,

          • Gye Nyame

            Why is being married synonymous with living in hell or an unhealthy relationship? Black people’s thinking is so twisted. And no the problem is not men evading their kids, its women not exercising their GOD given gift when CHOOSING the right man to father their child!

            • Felicia Mason

              Now I do take issue with this one because a very large chunk of the problem is men evading their kids… have you gone to the courthouse to see the petitions that have to be put in just for a man to do financially what he needs to do… and lets not even talk about the visitiation issue of it which is totally separate from financial. Men make babies everywhere leaving them to be raised by the mother and not thinking any more of the child than to use them as a notch on his belt that says he has created this or that… Now please understand I do know (for a fact) that NOT ALL men are like this but there are enough to make it very uncomfortable for most womens sake. Even when given the ability to be a father to their child(ren) a large number of men will only come by to see the mother. They are not putting the childrens needs first but their owns. Now I will agree with you regarding the woman choosing the right man to father her child… that should be a point of fous to any woman thinking of bearing children.

              • Gye Nyame

                I’m with you Felicia, but as i raise my daughter I’m not going to tell her that men are irresponsible and they have babies everywhere and don’t take care of their kids. What I will tell her is that while some men are irresponsible it is her responsibility to seek out a loving committed relationship, get to know the character of a man, and then get married. I will also tell her to spend some time together as a couple before having children, and then when she and her husband are financially and emotionally ready, then they should have children. That’s what her father and I did, and I will not waste my time telling my daughter to focus on things out of her control, but the most important thing she CAN control is her body and the man she chooses to father her child.

                • Gye Nyame

                  First off I do have a son, and I will teach him that it is his responsibility to find a young woman with character, develop a loving functional relationship, get married and then have children. I will train him from a young age and give him age appropriate responsibilities in order to teach him that some day he will be his family’s protector and provider. I will make my expectations clear and I will do everything possible to model that type of relationship with my husband. My son sees his father wake up everyday and go to work, he reads with his children, makes pancakes on Saturday mornings, kisses boo boos, and comforts them when they have a bad day…he’s a wonderful father and husband, and I will expect nothing less from my son. And my daughter is not being taught to be a “victim”, she is going to be taught that there are bad men out there, just like there are bad women, but she has control over the destiny of her life and family, that’s not raising a victim, that’s empowerment!

            • CarlaKah

              the problem is both. a father evades his daughter in 82, she then seeks out the wrong type of guy (unstable and the like ) and gets pregnant in 2002. now lil’ rayray doesn’t know his daddy in 2012 and Chief Kief is his main example….

              • Gye Nyame

                We can argue over what comes first the chicken or the egg, but I will still say when women take choosing the father of their children seriously, and waiting to know a man’s character before having his child, we will end this problem.

                • CarlaKah

                  You are not wrong there are just other factors that need to not be overlooking when saying that about women (like the fact that she needs to know how to choose or realize on time that she has some learning to do before procreating)

              • TRUTH IS

                He is the problem to begin and can stop the cycle; if he was in her life she wont look to other men for love!

                • CarlaKah

                  and if he (the dad in 1982) never knew love, his mom and dad were to blame. I mean the cycle can be stopped by everyone responsible. My point is that women need to take control of their share. So do men.

            • Miss Anonymous

              Well SOME not all people have parents that were married (before kids) for appearances sake. There are some where the parents basically are fighting tooth and nail but the mom stays to have her “family” together. Not everyone grew up with parents who didnt fight.

              Also women do choose right but sometimes the man changes after saying I do. The same way men say that she “changed” after marriage, the same can be said for men.

              • Gye Nyame

                Let’s be honest, most of these women have children for men they barely know, and by the end of 9 months they’re like “this ni&&@ aint ish”…so sad but true.

                • Miss Anonymous

                  Well Im talking about the ones who married first then popped out kids later, the marriage sours really bad but the woman (or man) wants to keep up the appearance of a family for the kids. Kids arent dumb we know when stuff aint right but the women is holding onto the title of being a wife that other stuff (abuse, cheating, having outside kids, bringing back curable stds) is stuff they are okay with which is sooo sad. I saw that alot growing up on army bases.

                  I agree I have meet ALOT of girls who had a baby by a guy cause he in the army. lol I had my dad doing long hours because his soilder “married a girl he meet a week before going to war and now he coming back but she was cheating, spent all his money and ready to divorce”.

                • TRUTH IS

                  Am not defending those….those are exceptions!!!

              • Machelle Kwan

                Real talk. Your cousin shouldn’t live like that. I pity any woman that feels getting a beatdown everyday is better than being single. As if you’re nothing without a man. These women need to evolve from this archaic way of thing. Sad.

                • Miss Anonymous

                  Yes Smh I even had to drop my ex best friend for that way of thinking. She had 3 kids different dads and married a new dude and had his baby. Told me and I quote “as long as he isnt bringing home a uncurable std, a outside baby and paying the bills everything is good”, this coming from a girl who didnt date men with kids because she wants her kids (with other guys) to come first. *ironic that he only keeps pics of his one son and she “sends” her other kids away when his family comes to visit*

                  It seems that the only thing that matters now is just getting the ring which is bad. Like the man can be beating your behind, giving you stds and having babies with other women but its cool because your wife? Someone is teaching them that or maybe society has gotten this “woe is me being single is horrible and your life aint ish without a man” thing that made it that way.

                • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Marie/100001514647800 Rhonda Marie

                  You’re too right. I know someone who just had a baby, by a man she got pregnant by right before getting married. He punched her in the mouth during pregnancy, yells in front of the 2 kids she had from other relationships, but she stays for appearances and because she doesn’t want to be ashamed of being a single mother with now 3 kids. Couldn’t be me, I left my ex-husband and have no shame in refusing to raise my kids in a toxic environment.

            • kierah

              It stems from people lacking positive examples in their own lives.
              Successful marriage is derive from a great screening process. Everyone will have trials, but are you willing to ride out these trials with this partner? Does every problem in your dating relationship make you question staying with this person?

            • Machelle Kwan

              Marriage is great when it’s between the right people. But when folks get married and have kids too young, they grow apart and it is hell.

            • Jackie

              AMEN, Gye!!! Thank you. I thought that I was the only one who kept trying to emphasize the point that WOMEN choose to have sex and produce babies with the wrong men.

              • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

                Men don’t choose to have sex knowing they don’t want to care for the child? Why is this okay?

                • Gye Nyame

                  You don’t get it, we are not saying it is ok. What we are saying is that it is what some men do, and instead of thinking you can control what men do, women need to take control and take some time to get to know a man before making the biggest decision of your life.

            • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliza-Beth/100003391668904 Eliza Beth

              Stop blaming women for the choices men made. No one makes the abandon the children, they do that. How about they exercise their “God given” right not to be a selfish self loathing deadbeat.

            • Pivyque

              BRAVO!! Thank you. I’m so tired of people thinking that.

            • Darien

              EXACTLY! Let’s see. A female meeting a guy who likely looks at women as sex slaves and money grabbers who chooses to make him a father in a barley non-married relationship is better than marriage??? Funny thing is some of those dudes who might marry actually don’t marry their baby mom-how sad and repetitive. A Good marriage to a Good man is the key word…GOOD. Their logical is stupid and sounds downright dumb, but if they think like that no wonder they’re just human wombs who can’t see they’re living in an actual Hell ctfu. Good point Gye Nyame.

          • Darien

            One, what is fire and brimstone?? Hope you’re not talking about marriage.We’re talking about healthy GOOD marriages not unhealthy, weird set ups with people who just breed recklessly and think it’s ok cause that’s what they settle for. It also doesn’t matter who was pregnant before, if there’s no kid you’re not a mother.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Marie/100001514647800 Rhonda Marie

          You’re right. I was married, had kids during marriage, and we all have the same last name…because I didn’t take my ex-husband’s last name. I suppose that makes us less superior?

          It’s too apparent that most commenters here have never been married, let alone married and then divorced with kids. Do you think divorced mothers have time to go around trying to distinguish ourselves from the women who had their children out of wedlock? No, we’re too busy handling the same issues that never married mothers have. The point remains the same: we’re all taking care of our kids, on our own.

          While you all love to sit and blame the women, who are doing their jobs, you explain away the actions of the men who don’t support their kids equally. That’s the problem here.

          • Miss Anonymous

            I agree 1000%.

      • Gye Nyame

        Shut up with that mess, no you’re not, and the point really is to make sure you seek out loving healthy relationships before you have someone’s child.

        • Machelle Kwan

          Where’s a young black woman gonna find “loving healthy relationships” in today’s world? With all the homosexuality, downlow, black men in prison, non financially stable black men? The pickings are slim and I really don’t see it getting any better. They’re better off celibate than stuck with a bum and raising a bunch of kids alone.

          • TRUTH IS

            DITTO…time someone stick it to the low-lives!!

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rhonda-Marie/100001514647800 Rhonda Marie

            Didn’t you ever think of dating non-Black men? There’s plenty of love in the world, but I suppose those who are only worried about Black men are more likely to miss it.

          • http://www.facebook.com/shannon.t.reed Shannon Terry Reed

            When picking a spouse race should not be a factor. Martin Luther king jr. Wanted his kids judged by the content of their character .

      • GirlSixx

        Umm. Sorry.. NO!!! if you are a divorced mother – you are exactly that “a divorced mother or Ex Wife” the term “baby momma” does not APPLY here.

      • Machelle Kwan

        I”‘m not nor was I ever somebody’s “baby mama’. Neither do I refer to my exhusband as “baby daddy.” What we had deserves much more respect than for either of us to refer to each other in such a manner. Divorce is a whole other ball game . Divorced people have had a relationship and a life together. These men refer to their child’s mother as such when they’ve had no real relationship with her but the relations resulted in a child. However, it’s still disrespectful and wrong.

      • guest

        What an absurd comment. There is a vast difference between a divorced woman who had children within a marriage setting as opposed to a single one who simply had some man’s child without the benefit of marriage, hence the term “baby mama”. Any man who refers to his ex-wife as that is a fool who needs to be schooled, frankly.

        • guest

          And while we are at it, can we ban the terms “baby mama” or “baby daddy”? They are so ignorant and ghetto. What’s wrong with the child’s mother or father?

      • braun shuga

        no…..u r an ex WIFE…..an ex husbands refer to them as such. BIG DIFFERENCE
        and yes a woman would do well
        married or not to be prepared as much as she could to care for her babies by herself because anything could happen..

      • Darien

        No, you’re not, nice try though. You’re an ex wife who was respected enough to be considered a wife at one point.Whether they were cherished in other aspects, I’m not getting into. A baby mom isn’t a bad person, but a women who doesn’t share the same luxuries of an ex-wife. In God’s eyes(if you believe) and to the world.

  • KayBee

    “Now, for the young girls out there whose noses are wide open, chasing
    after irresponsible, immature little boys, that’s a different story.”

    This is the cycle. The young girls chasing after irresponsible, immature little boys are doing so because that’s what their mothers are doing. If they had fathers in the home who set an example of stability and protection, they wouldn’t be doing this. My daughter told me the other day that Daddy wouldn’t allow her to date any of the boys at her school that her friends are interested in and she stays away from them for THEIR safety as Daddy would kill those boys. When a girl doesn’t have a Daddy telling her her worth, she runs around chasing irresponsible, immature little boys.

    • Gye Nyame

      And they grow up and become women that chase immature, irresponsible grown men…and the cycle continues.

      • Machelle Kwan

        Well just why are there so many immature, irresponsible grown men in the first place? It’s certainly the norm where I live.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Because their daddies were irresponsible immature little boys.

    • Machelle Kwan

      That’s where the mother has to pick up the ball. I don’t see any dude worthy of my daughter and that’s the way I will always think.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yep! All day everyday!

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      yes ma’am, say it!

  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.puzzo Courtney Puzzo

    oh shut up you don’t have to be married to be stable loving parents ask Stephanie Newman her parents divorced when she was 3 years old and her dad married her stepmom who he remained with until his death nearly 51 years later or Carlo Nero who’s parents didn’t marry until he was married with kids because his mom had come from a painful divorce with his two half sisters

    • CarlaKah

      exceptions not the rule doll

    • Darien

      You got a story for a bad marriage I see, where’s your bad story about a unwed mother raising a kid alone…God knows you have more of those to choose from they’re like everywhere. Tell people to run away from that why don’t you smh.