Straight From His Mouth: Is It Really Easier For Men To Find Their Soulmates?

November 12, 2012  |  


Last month, I wrote about Why Men Settle. As part of that discussion, a number of women wondered why a man would ever settle in love when it seems like they have far more choices than women do. I understand how that might seem confusing, but I’m also unsure this popular sentiment is even true. For one, I’m on the fence about if dating is really easier for men. Taking it a step further, is finding a wife/love/soul mate any easier for men than it is for women? I don’t think so. Let’s break down the various assumptions about dating for men.

There are not enough good black men: True and false.

The popular headline is that there are less viable black men for viable black women. There are generally a few errors when this much re-hashed story breaks. First, it assumes a ‘viable black male’ can be quantified using objective measurements, usually schooling and income. For example, they report that more black men are in jail than in college. This is a blatant lie, which you can read more about from this unlikely source here, so I won’t bother dissecting it. They go on to report that we have a high number of high school drop outs, which is true, but they don’t account for the fact that high school drop outs and jail rates are both interrelated and often reflective of the same population. As an extension of this point, the same can be said for college graduation rates – as black women do outnumber black men in enrollment and graduations, but only 30% of Americans have a college degree and miraculously, people still get married every day of the week.  Income is by far the fairest measurement; however, simple arithmetic dictates that the higher your income requirement for a prospective mate – and you are free to have one – the less people will meet it.

Potential mate populations aside, I’m willing to admit that the way people traditionally date – with the expectation that men approach women – might make it easier for a man to initially meet a woman. The real question is how much impact does one to one ratios matter if women don’t proactively choose from available men anyway?

The dating odds are in men’s favor: False.

For this to be true, we have to assume that men 1) like approaching women and 2) are good at it when they do. I’m fairly certain the claims about huge numbers of men that like approaching strange women and risk getting turned down every time they do is greatly exaggerated. However, for the sake of today’s argument, we can assume men like approaching strange women and vying for their attention.

Regardless if this is true or false, the difference for men and women is that if there is a certain type of men women want to approach them, women can at least go to an establishment where those types of men are more likely to reside and place herself in the “line of fire.” On the other hand, if a man isn’t good at approaching women, there is no way to overcome it (unless he’s a baller?). A man who doesn’t have “game” will be equally unsuccessful in a room full of attractive women as he will be in a room full of unattractive women. Independent of the environment he is in, it is the embodiment of the woman that he will always struggle to approach. Even if the availability of women is in his favor, it doesn’t improve his success rates in the slightest.

To be fair, let’s assume the man we’re discussing is decent at approaching women, has money, is educated, and hasn’t been to jail. Are we still assigning blame to the wrong part of the dating problem?

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  • MrPreston

    I find it interesting that so many people feel that a man’s decision to marry a woman is a contingent upon pure beauty and “booty”. As a man that’s getting married in one month,my view point is simple. If woman was created from a man’s rib, I believe that recognizing that missing piece is instantaeous and extends the realm of physical attributes.

  • Topazhoney

    I feel ya on this one, qui8tstorm83! I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, finding a good mate is challenging…period.

  • RelationshipDNA

    I always say men keep it simple. Beyonce got it right. If he likes it, he will put a ring on it, point blank period. When a man knows, he knows. Now, that doesn’t instantly make him relationship ready or marriage material, but men are far less fickle about this stuff than we are.
    If we learned to believe what they tell us about themselves from the start, we’d save ourselves a lot time, and heartache.

  • guest

    Yea with each other.hehe

  • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

    There are billions of people on the planet. There is no such thing as a soulmate.

  • Twine

    Make the distinction btw “queen” & “princess”. A queen assists the king w/rule of the kingdom but utimately, his decision is law;a princess has the benefits of royalty w/o the responsibility. It’s just like saying you’re “grown” just because you are over a certain age, but you still rely on others for your livelihood. Life is tough enough for a man trying to be responsible in a difficult world; why would one choose a woman who adds to that difficulty?

    • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

      Life is tough for a man trying to be responsible? What the heck are you talking about?

      • Nope

        Responsibility assumes obligation, and the only woman a man is obligated to is his WIFE, mother, and daughter.

        • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

          That doesn’t explain why ‘life is tough for a man trying to be responsible”.

      • Twine

        Its tough when everything you do, every decision you make affects the lives of those for whom you are responsible, mainly your wife & kids. I’m saying, if a man is going to make that choice, it makes it easier to choose if the person he is choosing is more prone to be a help instead of a hindrance.

  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    I appreciate receiving a male perspective on this subject, rather than hearing the female speculation that I always do. He hit the nail on the head with these words: “The real reason we complain, men and women, is because both sexes are
    guilty of entertaining people we know in our hearts don’t belong in our

    I know that this has been VERY TRUE for me. Once I realized this, I decided to break the cycle and no longer date individuals that I didn’t see any kind of longevity with. I am not expecting marriage out of every relationship, but if I want to break up right after committing to being your girlfriend then we have no business being together.

    • TeeMa

      so funny you say this (“but if I want to break up right after committing…”), I began dating a guy maybe 3 or 4 months ago and JUST 2 days ago called it quits. I (female) knew from the beginning before we even decided that we wanted to date exclusively that I didn’t see any longevity in the equation. so basically, I didn’t have any business dealing with him from the beginning. I am like a guy in many ways. i have to agree with a few of the male perspectives…though I am female, I go into dating & viewing dating like men do. I don’t find one person and then fall in love. I choose to play the field and see whats out there before I take the big leap (marriage).

  • Adrian Khan (The Soca Warrior)

    Probably because women don’t know what they want.They look at those dumb @$$ movies and expect men to really be that gay.Men want a woman who can cook and sex is good.The younger the woman the longer her lis of qualifications.The older,as long as he is breathing.

  • kierah

    Men decide when they want to get married and then they look for the one. Women date, fall in love, and decide they want to be married. In that sense, it’s easier for men because they are more specific in the way they date. They have already figured out within 10 seconds of meeting you if you are “wifey” or wife material. I think their screening process is a little more refined than women’s.

    • Nope

      Most women just want to be married in general, most men want to be married to a specific person when she comes along. And of course those women will take issue if they aren’t specifically the one the man wants to marry.

      • Yes, and women don’t care what qualities the man wants to have in a wife because all of them think they are the perfect woman no matter how screwed up she is.

        • Nope

          Basically. Most women think they’re awesome and wife material point blank period… they’ll fill in the details about who else exactly feels that way besides themselves down the line.

    • If it only takes a man 10 seconds to decide a woman is worth marrying I now understand why blacks have a divorce rate of 70%. Other than the fact that most black women aren’t marriage material, black men need to make better choices in the women they date. Dating white women would be a better choice in the long run if these men want to be happy.

      • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

        Most Black men aren’t marriage material. Hell, most of them aren’t even worth dating. Black women need to make better choices in the men who they date. Dating a White man would be a better choice in the long run if these women want to be happy and respected and not have to deal with a 30-year-old moocher.

        • Nope

          I guess the mods had an issue with my original reply, but it basically said that outside of niche adult online videos, White men have little interest in Black women, just like Black women aren’t exactly chasing down White men. At best interracial relationships between White men and Black women are outliers,

          • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

            Give me a break with your ‘nobody wants a Black woman’ rhetoric.

    • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

      Men decide if a woman is marriage material simply based on the way she looks. Men definitely aren’t more refined when it comes to choosing a mate.

  • JaneDoe

    I think so… In my opinion, it doesn’t take much for men to believe they found their soul mate. All a woman needs to do is have a pretty face, a big booty, be able to cook, and cater to them like their mommas do and presto they found the one..

    • Nope

      Men ultimately settle down with someone, what a lot of women need to ask themselves is why isn’t it with YOU.

      Also, the same women that think it’s beneath them to “cater” to men are the same ones that claim to be traditional women (albeit only when it’s convenient for them to say that). Can’t have it both ways.

      • aintthatthetruth

        I surely don’t mind catering to a man AT ALL. I want to make my man feel like he’s a king at ALL times, but a man must treat a woman like a queen if he expects to be treated like a king. Not many men are willing to do this. They seem to treat the women who are skanks and hoes with big a$$es like royalty while they’re doing nothing but draining that n*ggas pockets.

        • Nope

          But it’s not like the skanks and hoes are getting married, outside of reality TV which of course is exaggerated by design. The skanks and hoes might be getting initial attention, but they’re not getting treated like royalty nor are they respected or getting married in real life. If a man doesn’t treat a woman like a “queen”, then he just isn’t that into you. Simple as that. In a lot of cases he’s only ‘her man’ inside of her own head.

          • JaneDoe

            Not true… 9/10 when a man leaves his beautiful intelligent wife at home with the kids they mad during the time of their marraige is usually for a younger more finer version of his wife that CATERS to him. MOST men are visual and go by looks first where as women consider other factors when they think about long term.. Assuming that soul mates mean someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with

            • Nope

              “MOST men are visual and go by looks first where as women consider other factors when they think about long term”

              I don’t disagree with this, but IMO the emphasis women place about how men are so visual is exaggerated. Looks might get, but won’t keep our attention, especially for longterm (which we do think longterm…. if it’s the right woman for us). There was actually an article on here a couple of weeks ago about how women don’t really know what men find attractive about women, and vice versa.

              • JaneDoe

                You bring up some very good points however men don’t think like that when they are in the actual situation that looks doesn’t sustain a relationship.

            • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

              Most women are ‘visual’ too.

        • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

          Let go of this whole ‘Black men are kings’ and ‘Black women are queens’ BS! Women catering to men is ONE of the reasons so many of them remain in a perpetual childhood.

          • UrbanWarrior

            @MorningRain:disqus … I think you are confusing Catering to a man and babying him during his formative years as a youth. IMO one of the reason why some men are , as you put it, in perpetual youth is because they weren’t raised to understand what is expected of them as a man. It sometimes comes back to having a good strong male role model. When a man know whats is expected and does what is expected, isn’t it only fair that the woman play her part cater (however you choose to define and negotiate that word in the relationship) to him. If you think that there aren’t women out there who are willing to do what is necessary to keep a good man even if it goes against the grain of modern sensibilities, then you are fooling yourself. please keep in mind that when I think of being catered to, I’m thinking of all the simple little things that lets a man know he’s wanted, loved and above all else NEEDED.

    • get real

      Right, brains, good personality, sense of humor doesn’t come into the equation. Just give me a dumb big booty gurl and hey I’ve hit the lottery. (Sarcasm off)…. Kierah your right men do know pretty quickly if your the one.

      • Nope

        I think a lot of women confuse how he views The One as compared how he views a ‘dumb big booty girl’ or other women. Sometimes you’re The One for him, sometimes your just a piece of @ss, and sometimes you’re NEITHER to him. Women tend to think of it as an ‘either or’ answer, when a lot of times for a man it’s a ‘correct answer not given’ answer.