Before You Put On Your Freakum Dress, Make Sure You’re Ready To Deal With These Characters At The Club

November 9, 2012  |  

 

It’s Friday, you just got paid, your hair is done, you’ve got a new dress, and you’re off for the next two days. Perfect night to hit the club right? That’s what thousands of women think every week as they convince their girls to put on their dancing shoes and hit up their favorite spot. But nothing will make you regret that choice quicker than coming in contact with the wrong fool at the club, and experience tells us that fool is usually of the male persuasion. Sorry guys, but between the thirsty dudes who can’t stay out of your face to the cats who like to pretend like they’re balling out of control just because they’re on somebody’s payroll, ya’ll know how to ruin a girl’s good night out.

In case you’re thinking of hitting the streets tonight, let me prepare you for the 10 types of men you’re likely to encounter. Consider yourself warned.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The Grinder

You know that pose. It’s the sign of a man getting ready to try to put his lil man as close to your booty as possible without getting slapped all in the name of “dancing.” Grinders are the worst because you don’t see them coming. They creep up behind you and before you know it, he’s all on your back like “heeeeyyyy” while your girls are looking at your face going “ewwww.” Even the unexpected pelvic thrust wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t push into your butt like a) he knew you, and b) he was trying to make a baby with you. This man is the definition of doing too much on the dance floor.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

 

The Talker

You’d think it was a given that the club isn’t the best place for in-depth conversation but there’s always one man who thinks the best way to a club-hopping woman’s heart is through her ear. I don’t know about you, but when I’m out and my song is on I don’t want to talk to anybody — not the people I came with and definitely not a stranger who is preventing me from singing/rapping every single lyric in my song, ‘cuz that’s what I do. The talker doesn’t really have any game, he just figures the more small talk he can make with you, the better the odds of you actually giving him your number at the end of the night. What he doesn’t realize is he’d have a better chance getting the digits by shutting the hell up.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The Thirstball

Eye contact will do you in with this man. The thirstball is the guy in the corner who will watch you all night long and the moment your eyes lock with his, he will almost trip over himself to have a conversation with you and then never leave. An appropriate nickname for this man would be cockblocker because after giving him 20 seconds of your time, he’ll permanently post beside you making it look like he’s your man, and even  catch a ‘tude when you talk to someone else And if you move to a different area to get away from him, somehow he’s always lurking in the shadows waiting for that “in” to come back and talk to or dance with you. He needs a water bottle for all that thirsty handcuffing he’s trying to pull off.

Creepy Old Man

“Hey girl, come here with yo fine, barely legal self.” You know you’ve heard that before. The club experience just wouldn’t be complete without some 50-something nasty man making inappropriate comments about your body and suggesting you need a sugar daddy in your life. He might be good for a free drink or two but when he starts hinting at you doing something strange for a large chunk of change, like rent money, it’s time to tell granddaddy to grab his cane and step out your face.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The Overnight Celebrity

It’s something about a negro in the club on payday that makes you wish you were at home nestled in your sheets instead of watching a dude pretend to make it rain in the club. This is the guy buying bottles just so he can have something in his hand to attract women. He’s thirsty for attention and will remind you every two minutes that he bought a bottle and you can have some, or that he’s in “VIP” which is really just a 4×4 area roped off with caution tape. You might even catch him tossing out ones and then trying to scrape them back up before the lights come on. He’s the ultimate poser who will wake up Saturday morning with a negative balance in his bank account.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The wanna-be Thug

This guy is the reason the rap hour at the club gets cut short. The wanna-be thug is the man whose had one too many shots of Hennessy and gets way too hype when Wacka Flocka comes on and suddenly wants to fight every dude in the club and push every girl out of his way. He thinks he’s really about that life but the truth is on any given day he has the ferocity of Drake until a few inapplicable lyrics amp him up to the point of usually getting knocked the eff out because you can’t tell him he’s not Big Meech or Larry Hoover.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

 

Dude with the fake name

I cannot stand when a man asks me my name, I give it to him, and he hits me with, they call me Double O. Um, excuse me? Who is is they? I’m only concerned about what your mama named you and what the government calls you. A man who gives you a nickname in place of his birth name is the ultimate turn-off, but thankfully his behavior is the ultimate red flag so no matter how attractive he may be, from this response you know he’s not worth your time.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The Energizer Bunny

This is the dude who clearly came to the club thinking it was a tryout for the next Beyonce video and leaves out dripping in sweat. Normally the most you see from a man at the club is a little two-step and maybe a lean back if he’s not a grinder. But this guy is on ten the entire night and will try to grab you on every song and get you to do the bump, hustle, or just about anything with him despite the fact that the last 12 times he asked you told him “I’m good.” He is a prime example of someone who can’t take no for an answer and who needs to have a seat ASAP.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

The scouter

This man collects phone numbers like recyclable cans and can’t even remember the names of half the women he met that night. The scouter essentially goes out just to get women and his entire night is a numbers game. Quality is not his M.O. he just wants to see how many women he can talk into giving up the digits — or more — and repeat the process all over again the next day. Basically, he ain’t ish.

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  • BEE

    LMAO HILARIOUS! I’ve encountered at least HALF of these men in the club .. and I can’t even been out but like 3 times! It’s actually funny the see, especially since I only go out every blue moon. If I had to deal with that every weekend, i’d hang it up. lol

    • BEE

      *haven’t been out

  • blah blah

    u forgot bout the thirsty dude-who try to f*ck u @ end of night and don’t even know ur name..GTFOH

  • pretty boy

    Good topic but what about the ones that are too cute for their own good always lookn n the mirror and competing with the other boys in the club. And the ones that like to waste your time but dont want to buy you a drink??

  • Aye don’t get it twisted! The Energizer Bunny is ALWAYS the dude to come for me in the club and I have a blast with him all night! By the time I leave the club I’m 20 pounds lighter, feeling great and in a great mood… The energizer bunny is a great catch if you just give him a chance! Heck… Thats the only guy my Fiance will let near me in the club lol!

  • IAintShitYet

    There is a thirst ball at the college I go to and ugh people think we are dating… It’s annoying a hell

  • d

    Im the last guy, the scout, except there is quality in my taste

  • E McArthur

    I also don’t go to clubs…the one time I went this year…some Guido tried to stick his tongue down my throat within 10 seconds of meeting me….no thank you…

  • leathercandy

    This article was hilarious but so true

  • Eddi

    I hate the grinders!

  • Ann

    I stopped going to the club a long time ago. Most of the men I attract at the time I was going was the men with jheri curls, gold teeth, and that drinks so much, he smells like alcohol and beer. I have never met any decent acting men at the club.

    • Nope

      ” Most of the men I attract at the time”

      ….. Message!

  • dbatt001

    yup , this article came a little too late

  • Tishy

    What about the gralkers? The grinders who talk in your ear all night and/or stalk your every move.

  • ANTMilf

    Don’t need this advice, I don’t club at all. I’m fine staying home reading a book and watching movies on HBO.

  • When I did, it was the busted grilled kat daddy, complete with jeri curl

  • Meyaka

    I don’t club.

  • Lmao yup I will continue to avoid clubs

  • LOL @ creepy old man! Somebody ALWAYS gotta bring their drunk uncle out to the club with them!