Ask A Very Smart Brotha: What Should I Do About My Irresponsible Man?
Rahel: How do you assess if the person is right for you long term?
How do you know you’re in love?
DY: Way to start the chat with a bang, lol. I could give 2,000 word long responses to both of your questions, but in order to keep my fingers from falling off, I’ll keep them short.
For a long-term mate, I think the four most important qualities are a healthy sense of compatibility (forget about love, do you two actually like each other?), an aligned view of the future (do you have similar goals? do you both want children? etc. etc), a willingness to stay together and work at being a better couple, and love. I know everyone doesn’t think that love is really all that important, but without love I don’t see the point in spending the rest of my life with someone. I might as well just get a dog.
As far as how to tell when you’re in love, it’s basically like p*rn (stay with me) in that there’s really no way to define it, but you know it when you see/feel it. Basically, if you’re not sure if you’re in love or not, you’re not.
Dee: Why do men in our age group (35-45) have commitment far from their minds?
DY: It’s not that men that age don’t believe in commitment. It’s that the men who’ve reached that age and have still never been married are more likely to be the ones who don’t want to settle down. There are tons of men in that age bracket who believe in marriage and commitment and all that jazz. Thing is, most of them are already married.
Superbass: Why is it that once a man’s dirt hits the fan he continues to lie and want you to think you’re crazy?
DY: It’s simple. Lying and denying is easier than telling the truth. Just ask Karl Rove today.
Gerilyn: How long is TOO long to wait for a proposal the proper way? How long should an engagement last? LoLZ
DY: There’s no arbitrary ‘too long’ period. Every relationship has its own timeline. I will say, though, that if you’re in year two or three and it hasn’t happened yet, the chances of it ever happening decrease with each year.
Linda: How do you get rid of emotional baggage from past relationships?
DY: You don’t. All past experiences — good and bad — contribute to the person you are today. But, in order to prevent your history from having a negative effect on your future, you have to make the conscious decision not to punish people for stuff that happened before you even met them.
Wiser: Why can’t most men take being hurt by a woman but it’s ok for them to cause pain and hurt to women who are more forgiving??
DY: It’s never “ok” to cause hurt to anyone. As far as your question goes, I think you’re looking at it wrong. It’s not that men should be more forgiving to women who’ve hurt them but that women (generally) are TOO forgiving to men who’ve hurt them.
Camille: My boyfriend and I have different political views. I’m a liberal and women’s rights are very important to me. My boyfriend is conservative who doesn’t care so much. I can’t help but take it personally. I feel like if we differ in that way our relationship can’t work. What do you think?
DY: James Carville and Mary Matalin would disagree with you. As far as you’re concerned, though, if you feel that this is an issue, then it is an issue. Thing is, if your relationship is fine otherwise, I don’t think it should be an issue. I mean, obviously, if you’re Jewish and he’s a Nazi sympathizer or some other extreme, then things probably aint gonna work in the long run. But, if you just happen to disagree about some policies and politics, I don’t see why that should be a deal-breaker.
Tarish: My bf lost both of his parents at an early age and I take that into consideration for the things he does. However I don’t allow it to be an excuse all the time. My question is how do I get him to stand on his own to take care of his business? I have tried to assist him and remind him but I am tired of doing that. I find myself doing EVERYTHING. An example would be our car insurance. It has been canceled for a few months. I kept reminding him and he did nothing. My brake line burst while I was driving and I almost got into a car accident. He still did not insure the car. My mother insured my car. He says nothing about it. Instead he asks me if he could buy a new ps3 which sent me in fit of rage. Is it me or am I asking to much? I believe that a man is head of household and I would like him to be that. How can I get him to step up?
DY: Sounds like you need to remind him that although you’re sorry he lost his mother so young, you’re not a “replacement mom.”