A Wedding Isn’t “Her” Day, It’s “Their” Day. Right?

November 7, 2012  |  

Source: Shutterstock.com

When my friend Lauren was planning her wedding, her mom was doing the most.

She lived three hours away in Lauren’s hometown but you would have thought she was right next door considering how much input she had into Lauren’s wedding. From insisting they invite her entire 400-person church congregation to the wedding (and feed them) to shutting down the option of having a bridal shower in the city where Lauren and her fiancé live, I fully understood why Lauren didn’t move back to her hometown after college.

When she went wedding dress shopping with her mom and bridesmaids, her mom made the bridesmaids leave the room so as not to see Lauren in her wedding dress. Clearly, her mom took that silly groom-cant-see-the-bride-before-the-wedding superstition a little too far. But it was Lauren’s mom and she was excited, so I didn’t think much of it – until I heard her refer to the wedding as “Lauren’s Big Day” and told her future-son-in-law that all he had to do was show up at the ceremony. Did I mention he and Lauren were paying for their own wedding?

I couldn’t believe her mom took it there and I wondered, are we still doing that?

Are we still expecting the groom to not be involved in wedding planning at all? I sincerely hope not. It’s not just the “Bride’s Big Day”, it’s his day too. There are two people exchanging vows, so there should be two people determining how the day goes. When the groom is making suggestions the response from the bride (nor her mom) shouldn’t be: “We got this. Goodbye.”

On the flip side, the guy should want to be involved with the wedding planning. Just yesterday on this site, we posted a promo of “Marrying The Game” which is a new reality show special showcasing rapper Jayceon Taylor’s aka “The Game’s” wedding to his fiancé Tiffney Cambridge. In the promo, Tiffney is visibly upset because The Game isn’t really helping her plan their wedding and in fact he scheduled a trip to France while she is in the middle of preparing. Some women might prefer the groom to be nothing but a blank check writer while she’s planning, but it’s a red flag if the guy doesn’t want to be involved at all.

Why? Because it’s not even about the wedding planning really. Most of those details people freak out about during the planning, they don’t even remember 15 minutes into the honeymoon anyway. It’s more than about knowing you both gave equal input and came to an agreement on the color scheme. Planning nuptials together is a sort of last-ditch opportunity for couples to observe the level of respect, ease of communication, and willingness to compromise that will definitely be necessary for a solid marriage. If a couple can’t get along when planning their wedding, then that’s probably a wedding that should not happen.

Stephen Fabick, a psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution told CNN:

A wedding is a healthy way of making a public commitment to each other and acknowledging that you’re part of a web of family and friends that helps to nourish the relationship… sometimes, the extensive planning of a costly wedding can expose a couple’s differences in compatibility, values or beliefs. Surviving the task of planning a wedding together and ultimately living together for years and years means being able to support each other during basic decisions.

Of course, there are going to be some things that the groom just flat out isn’t interested in. Or things that the bride wants to keep a surprise from the groom. But overall, the planning should be a joint effort.

The best way to facilitate this from the outset is for the couple to sit down together and the bride can make a short list of 5 things that are important to her and five things that aren’t and the groom can do the same things with things that are important to him and things that aren’t. That way, the bride isn’t running around planning her “fairytale wedding” without a clue what her future husband wants or is interested in helping with.

The truth is, planning a wedding together that both individuals will enjoy will probably make at least the first year of married life much easier.  I’m not saying my friend Lauren or Tiffney and The Gamecan’t have a happy marriage. Plenty of successful marriages have begun with a groom whose sole responsibility was to fit into his tuxedo on the day of the wedding. I am suggesting however, that we do away with this whole “this is the Bride’s Big Day” silliness and embrace the fact that at its core, a wedding is the beginning of a marriage and therefore a Big Day for both of the people involved. Right?

Do you think weddings are too often viewed as the Bride’s Day?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Pivyque

    We planned ours together for the most part. I’d say the only thing that I did without him is pick out the dress. It was our wedding so we definitely wanted everything to represent both of us.

  • Candacey Doris

    It’s WAY too often seen as the Bride’s day. It ISN’T fair for the man, who is also making a commitment that day. And taking on the debt of the wedding too.

  • Trisha_B

    Gotta ask…was Lauren’s mom married or had a wedding? Most likely she was living her dream wedding thru her daughter. Reason why she wanted so much input & kept referring it as “Lauren’s wedding.”
    When i get married, my soon to be is gonna be right by my side for everything (except dress shopping & bachelorette party lol). I wanna value his opinion b/c it’s his day too. If he doesn’t have an opinion on flowers, center piece etc then that’s fine lol

  • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

    I do think weddings are too often viewed as the bride’s day and I don’t agree with the sentiment. I think men need to get more involved in the planning of a wedding and be just as active about it.

  • It is her day, she puts on the beautiful dress, she changes her name, she is given away by her father, she makes the fancytrip down the aisle, she gets dolled up. That’s why alot of women don’t take it too well, when you talk bad about marriage, because it’s her day to shine

    • Sam

      I’m not changing my name, I’m not being given away, we are both walking down the aisle with our parents, and I am wearing a beautiful dress while he is wearing a handsome tux. Now is it our day?

  • Red Flag for the groom. Momma is gonna have her nose all up in their marriage. If Wife to be hasn’t figured out how to allow her mom to be a part of the festivities without running things then this is par for the course when it comes the marriage. Put that foot down and put it down hard! Let mom’s know who’s wedding it is.

  • Cakester

    When I was getting married, my mother tried to hijack the wedding my fiance and I were paying for, and she was quickly read her rights… I asked him what duties he wanted for the wedding and all he wanted was to pick the songs for the reception – the first dance, when we were announced, when the bridal party was announced, and his mother/son dance… oh, and he wanted to pick the type of limo we got… other than that, he could care a less what I chose…

  • Reese

    If I ever get married I want my fiancé to be active in the planning of our day. But let’s face it’s some things that go along with planning a wedding that men don’t understand. What kind of flowers, what color scheme, etc.

    • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

      That is an easy fix.

    • Brett Collyander

      i think you would be surprised what some men know, its like expecting women to not get sports… its completely stupid

      For our wedding we planned everything together and did quite a few things together leading up to it, we loved every single aspect of it.

  • Now we can say its “their” day. she gets the pretty dress, family and friends in tow, everybody catering to her, lavish ceremony etc. he gets to sit and think about all the women he is giving up…so yea thats pretty big for both of them! lol

    • Candacey Doris

      His friends and family come too, and if he wants to be catered to, he only has to ask. Men can have the spa day and people kissing their a$$ if they want. If he’s thinking about the women he’s giving up then the one he will get to have for the rest of his life, then maybe he shouldn’t be marrying her, right?

  • Cleo

    I agree I hate when woman say its my day, not of both the groom and bride’s day so they should both give input. Grooms should step up and voice their opinions.