Don’t Hurt ‘Em! 9 Ways To Let ‘Em Down Easy
Getting hit on is something most people experience – in the grocery store (usually when you look broke, busted and disgusted buying a can of beans), in the club by someone’s creepy uncle, in the church parking lot. The fact is if you have a pulse and someone likes what they see, you will likely get the moves put on you. But there is no guarantee you’ll want that attention, and there is an art to finagling yourself out of being boxed in by interested parties. Here are 8 convenient excuses to let down that Stevie-J doppelganger doing the Birdman hand rub at the sight of your booty.
This really is a tried-and-true way to get out of having to deal with smarmy come-ons. Even if you don’t have a boo, just make one up and mention his name as often as possible. It’s like a repellant. After a while whoever is trying to holla will get the point and back off.
Nobody wants to holla at a sick girl, right? If you look like you’re about to blow chunks people will clear the way. Just be sure not to pick a sickness that you wouldn’t want to get in real life (don’t want to jinx yourself with bad karma). So pretend to be dizzy/nauseous/itchy, and make a beeline for the door ASAP!
Fake an appointment
This one is great for when you’re in a rush. When a creepy guy wants to press up on you, just point to your watch and act profusely sorry that you have to go. Because ‘sorry, I’m late judging that competitive sew-in weaving contest’ is a legit obligation. No really.
Pretend You Don’t Hear Him
This one is particularly effective when you’re wearing headphones. When he’s cat calling you down the street, start doing a little jig like you’re feeling the current track. Thing is, if homeboy decides to tap you on the shoulder, it’s pretty much over.
You’re not my type
This can range from ‘I’m not into men who wear bowties’ to ‘I’m playing for the other team’ to ‘I only date men taller than 5’5.” Believability in this lie is key, so flex your acting skills and ham it up so they won’t suspect that you secretly wish their homeboy had hit on you instead.
Now some guys like crazy girls, so this one may be hit or miss. First, scratch your neck like Tyrone Biggums. Then, look around stealthily and say “I think Longshanks is comin’ fuh me”. Then ask to borrow money. That should send whoever is trying to get next to you running for the hills. And if that doesn’t work, try the proven Fresh Prince method.
Be A Holy Roller
Nothing dries up catcalls more than a spiritual sermon on the joys of celibacy. Invite the person angling for your number to church, bible study, Sunday School, VBS, and choir practice. Also, you may want to get your pastor on speed dial and tell him you’ve met your soul mate and then put the guy on the line. That certainly has a way of evaporating interest from anyone wanting to get next to your ‘heavenly body.’
No Habla English
Pretending not to speak the language of your suitor only works if you know how to speak a second language and if they haven’t caught you speaking before hand. If they speak the language you’re faking it could be awkward though, so if you’re caught in your fib you might just have to say “I’ve gotta run to the bathroom” and just never come back.
This has to be one of the most direct, most effectively (and honestly most humane) ways to put down the Romeo breathing down your neck at the bar. Being straight up allows you to make a clean break without having to do a bunch of ducking and dodging. And that really is enough.