The Moment I Knew The Man I Wanted To Marry Was Gay

November 6, 2012  |  


Several years ago I dated a man I’ll call “Rico.”  I met him through a mutual friend and our relationship became serious rather quickly.  He was President of his fraternity, an excellent father, attended church regularly, and played basketball on Saturday mornings. I quickly found that he was everything I wanted in a man and I couldn’t wait to be his wife.  Little did I know that marriage to me, or any woman for that matter, was the last thing on his mind.

One night during one of my many visits to Rico’s place the doorbell rang.  It was one of his best friends who had dropped by to see us.  He came by to inform us that he had accepted a recent job offer and would be moving out of state.  I was disappointed because I really enjoyed having Rico’s friend around and I knew how crushed my man would be once this friend actually left. I greatly underestimated how much these two men really meant to one another. I went into the kitchen to prepare some food since I assumed we would all be celebrating this new step in his friend’s life.  I didn’t realize it had gotten quiet outside the kitchen due to the commotion created by all of the pots and pans I was working with.  I popped my head out to make sure Rico and his friend were still in the living room.  They weren’t.

Both of them loved to shoot pool so I figured they went to his game room.  As I headed towards the game room I heard something in the bathroom instead.  I couldn’t quite make out what it was so I made my way to the bathroom to investigate.  As I got closer to the door, I could hear voices.  The door was shut, but I was certain both voices belonged to Rico and his friend.  I chalked it up to “guy talk” and turned back to the kitchen. Big mistake.

As I made my way back to the kitchen I heard a loud bang from the bathroom. Panicking, thinking someone was hurt, I rushed back to the bathroom since I had no idea what the loud noise was.  The door was still shut so I started banging on it.  I asked if everyone was okay.  No answer.  I banged on the door and shouted both Rico and his friend’s names. There was still no answer.  My imagination got the best of me as I ran through different scenarios that may have been going on inside the bathroom.  While on the verge of a complete and total breakdown, the whispers I previously heard returned.

Apparently, Rico and his friend thought I retreated back to the kitchen.  The whispers became louder and pretty soon I heard sounds that are usually found in the bedroom, not between two friends who are supposed to just be having a little “guy talk” as I had initially though. I proceeded to bang on the door again, this time in anger.  Rico timidly came to the door as I shouted all kinds of obscenities.  He tried to explain himself, but I was too furious to listen.  I could not believe my man just had sex with another man while I was STILL at his house! Not only was it extremely bold and disrespectful, but the man was GAY. He didn’t bother trying to tell me that he had these feelings before, and sadly I had to find out, possibly the last to know, due to Rico and his “friend’s” reckless behavior.

Clearly, I must have missed signs that indicated this man was on the down low.  I racked my brain trying to determine if there were any obvious behaviors Rico demonstrated that I failed to see.  I couldn’t come up with any.  After all, he enjoyed sports, he seemed masculine enough and he loved women.  Or so it seemed.

Several months later, after I calmed down from the shock of being in a one-sided monogamous relationship with a gay man, Rico and I had a serious discussion.  It turned out that he had been gay all of his life and he wasn’t even remotely bisexual.  His friend had been his part-time lover during the entire length of our relationship and what I caught them in the act of was a goodbye love-making session. Rico was was tired of hiding his sexuality.  He came out of the closet soon after I caught him getting off in the bathroom and he’s now proudly living his life as a gay man. I would be happy for him if he hadn’t been so selfish, not caring about my feelings or my health. If only Rico had grown tired of hiding his sexuality and wanted to be a proud gay man BEFORE he met me…

Have you ever dated a man who wound up being gay or bisexual?

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  • Janjay

    I know exactly how this woman feels.the love if my life ended up being a gay man . I was crushed for years and so upset with myself for missing all the signs. People do not realize how traumatic the experience is and I’m glad I’m not alone because that is how I felt throughout my healing process.

  • realadulttalk

    2 grown men in a 1 person bathroom??? You thought nothing of that??? Guy talk in the bathroom??? What kind of men are you dating???

  • dbatt001

    i think i would be scared for life if this ever happened to me. good luck.

  • L-Boogie

    Stay single.

  • ugh


  • shenai

    This Rico bish is serious trash, should have put one large carrot in his azz for doing you like that

    • chanela

      he might like it tho…

  • Pingback: The Moment I Knew The Man I Wanted To Marry Was Gay | Madame … | Love Advice()

  • Guest

    Sorry, but this story made my stomach hurt! I hope its fake smh

  • Yah

    Black women, when will y’all learn?

  • Tsholofelo

    Alfred Kinsey?

  • Tsholofelo

    LOL stuck? Me? Do you see the irony in that?

    You’re looking at the wrong problems here. I mean, who still opposes tattoos, except on the basis of aesthics? For you it’s clearly an issue of morals.

    “Men in tear-drop in their eyes.” Ok that one is funny LOL.

    Clearly, you’re quite conservative and set in your own ways. There is absolutely nothing I can say. I will keep my own views.

    • WordTaylor

      Tsholofelo U said exactly what I was going to. Love Lee sounds stuck in the 50’s. The 1650’s. Furthermore none of this is new. Tattoos have been around as long as skin. So have same sex relations. Freedom of Will and rights and mind your own business have finally evolved.
      Most of the people who are so concerned about everyone else’s lives desperately need to hide something in their own.
      To each their own and to the next generation – may they live their lives full of liberty and love and may they judge not less they be judged.


    D*mn Homie!

  • Sad times!! #pleasesayitisntso

  • Dee

    I agree this makes you want to give everybody and their brother the side. This is So unfortunate

  • disgusted

    Unfortunately this is not fiction! The guy I loved had the audacity to introduce me to his ‘business partner’ which turned out to be his lover of 4yrs. Heartbroken & livid, I am still wrecking my brain trying to figure out how I didn’t know he was gay.

  • OSHH

    Please set my other comment free in response to Lovelee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Na Na


  • chocolate7777

    OMG! my heart goes out to the writer if this is true and if it’s not true, to any other person who has dealt with something like this. I am not going to sit and judge what these two men did to one another, because somebody greater than me will take care of that, but his actions toward the women was heartless and cruel. In today’s world with all these diseases going around he couldn’t find the time to tell her he was gay or on the down low? Whatever happen to honesty in a relationship? or trust? Sure makes me glad I am single!!!!

    • Machelle Kwan

      Real talk. I”m celibate and it’d probably be a good idea if more women lived that lifestyle. It will save you a lot of heartache and pain.

      • clove8canela

        Celibacy is great but that does not mean that there will be an absence of heartache and pain just because you’re not having sex. Abstaining sexually does not mean you’re abstaining from getting emotionally involved and developing feelings for a man like “Rico.”

        In fact, you might argue that celibacy might make it easy for a man on the low, because that way, he doesn’t have to engage with the woman sexually. All the better for him.

  • Pivyque

    Well, if you had sex and didn’t make use a condom…then..let’s just say…he’ll only care about your health as much as you care about it. At any rate, some guys hide it really well. Gotta be careful. Neither one of my exes turned out to be gay, but I did have a couple openly bisexual guys approach me.

  • Trisha_B

    So wait, Rico had a child(ren)?! So he knew he was gay his whole life, but he used women & had kids as a cover up? That is so selfish! You get these women emotionally invested, but your not even invested smh. & the fact that he was bold enough to just go to the bathroom w/ the guy like it was a casual thing is disgusting.

  • SunshineBlossom

    My ex-fiancé. A month before we were supposed to Wed he calls me (he was away on business), and said that he was at a party and got a (insert term here) from a guy–oh, and that the wedding is over. Found out on Facebook less than a week later that they were together and wedded a few months later in Massachusetts. After that, I approach men with caution.

    • kierah


    • Na Na

      Girl with all my heart I am so sorry to hear that.

    • Machelle Kwan

      Oh my damn. I ‘m sorry to hear that. I don’t think I’d be up for dating or trusting men after that. Wow. I can’t imagine how you are coping. But these are the times when “men will become lovers of themselves.” Smh.

      • SunshineBlossom

        Thank you ladies, I mean it goes to show that it happens to the best of us. And unfortunately I had clues, but when one is so “crazy in love” one overlooks these things, and I’m sure that’s what the author did. But now, best believe I will give a guy the side eye with a quickness if I even catch him observing men on the low (and after going through what I did, you learn). I just got through it by praying and working on myself, and a fine man walked into my life. I am cautious with him (incredibly so), but at least I am wise enough to take my time before rushing into anything.

    • dimpz

      I,in NO way, condone violence, but lord have mercy he would’ve gotten shot.

  • sexcgenius

    This story kinda reads like fiction, but I am not judging. I think we have to stop with the narrow minded thinking that if a man wears a certain color he is gay, or that if he plays bbal or watches sports he isnt. Sexuality isnt defined by what we say or wear; rather, it is defined by what we do.

    • Sheena

      I swear I was thinking this is so not real.

      • sammi_lu

        Ditto! Who doesn’t immediately find it suspect that two grown men are having a hushed conversation in the bathroom.

        • Its suspect to me at any point if a man gets overly emotional about another man if hes not dead or possibly going to die. Hes just moving what you gettin’ all emotional for! All you gotta do is go see the man!

  • Patricia

    I think that Rico should have been straight up with you and not play games with somebody’s life. He knew he was gay from the start and it is really sad how people play games with people’s lives. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would wanted somebody to tell him if the woman he was dating was gay and he would have not accepted it very well.

    • SunshineBlossom

      I agree with this, and while I understand that maybe one can’t be his self because of whatever circumstances, I don’t wanna be included in your charade unwillingly. To me that just makes you less of a man and more of a blip.

    • Pivyque

      How is being gay a dark life? Any sexually active person is at risk for STDs. I’m a little confused about the fabric of life that does not develop in a homosexual lifestyle. Can you elaborate?

    • lovelee

      Masculinity is one of the main issues in our community. Either are men are brute, athletic, macho, thugging etc. The list goes and and while we’ll like to believe that I am deluded by saying none of this is true and anyone caught up in the idea that if a young black male isn’t into sports, soft spoken, into art, music and popular culture isn’t being viewed as “soft.” Then clearly you aren’t getting out much. You are viewing the world from an entirely different perspective and that’s beautiful but its too bad that the common isn’t.

      ALSO, sexuality is FLUID. No one is 100% of anything. I know you all want to sit here and believe that you are a 100% black and 100% perfect in health or 100% percent in whatever other delusion you have of yourself. Sexuality isn’t black or white and it isn’t yes or no. It’s a very broad and open perspective.. Therefore, you need to find someone you love but make sure that conversation is open. Communication is key and vital. If anything this fictional story teaches is us – is that rather than sitting down with him and having an open dialogue of conversation. She continued to sweep “details,” under the rug. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with anyone being bisexual. In fact, it’s probably more common than being 100% straight or 100% gay.

      Yes, it is a dark lifestyle. Majority of these gay men that you see in ATLANTA are struggling to find a man just like most women. The promiscuity is through the roof and the std rates are reflecting that on BOTH SIDES. But, with all that being said. I personally believe that life is meant to be shared and given. It’s obvious because if a dog that engages in same sex relations. Will still go on to mate with a female dog in heat to create self. NOTHING that promotes life is of the light. You all can argue it up and down if you want. I have no time for it…

      • Tsholofelo

        It is NOT a lifestyle. It isn’t. You’ve probably heard this before and decided to ignore it. It isn’t. You’re making sweeping generalisations.

    • lovelee

      Nah, it’s easy to say that if you engage in something you are 100% homosexual. That’s not the case.

      In fact, the studies that show us that animals that are homosexuals is faulted because they also show in that same studies that those same animals go on to CREATE THEMSELVES with female counterparts in heat. Meaning that for some male dogs, or species – sex is sex and sometimes sex is a format of being territorial.

      We are humans. We have something that they teach in philosophy called REASON. Therefore, that separates us from all animals. That’s what makes us special. That’s one of the many gifts given to us from our creator….

      REASON…and reason tells us if everyone does this…that LIFE WILL NOT CONTINUE. Therefore, we need to study some of the issues in our community and address them. Like having children out of wedlock, having sex before marriage, tattoos, fatherless homes, fluidity of masculinity and femininity types in our community for development etc. These are serious issues.

      • Tsholofelo

        I don’t really follow your argument. Are “tattoos”, “fluidity of masculinity and femininity” serious issues? As in, they are problematic? Just looking for clarification.

    • Tsholofelo

      While I agree with most of what you say, allow me to pick on your wording there when you say “If you willingly engage in homosexual acts, you are in fact homosexual.” There are many men who do have sex with men but aren’t in fact gay. What they are doing is a CHOICE. They could be bisexual (not a choice, that one) or just curious or in “the prison situation”. Homosexuality is an attraction to members of the same sex, physically AND emotionally. THAT is not a choice. You can go all your life have those feelings without acting on them and we’d still consider you gay.

      • OSHH

        To have sex with anyone is a choice (outside of rape). Therefore choosing to engage in homosexual sex but calling it something other than what it is, is absurd.
        As for that other scenario that seems self identified as far as what they are considered, cause anyone outside of you would not know you to consider you anything.

        • Tsholofelo

          Yes, homosexual sex is what it is. But it does not directly translate to what the person identifies as. Straight men AND gay men (bi men, too) engage in homosexual activity. A straight man might do it for situational reasons or as experimentation/exploration.

          The self-identification is not a choice but using the label of “gay” or “straight” is because those are merely constructions.

          • OSHH

            LOL oh boy, point is you are not straight if you sexing the same sex. SMH

    • chanela

      actually he probably wouldn’t have cared. most men love lesbian/bisexual women, so your example doesn’t

    • realadulttalk

      Something tells me that pretty much everyone but her knew he was gay. The whole guy talk (in the bathroom) thing tells me that the writer overlooked a whole lotta things.

  • ANTMilf

    Ah man, I’m so sorry that happened to you. This is why you have to look for “red flags” in anybody you date.

    • Machelle Kwan

      True but sometimes there just aren’t any red flags. Deceptors are good at only showing what they want you to see.

  • Damn. That’s F****d up. Now you give every guy the side-eye LOL