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Hi Damon,

I met a guy in Germany in July. I felt we had a connection although he was five years younger than me. We communicated every day when I got back to New York and I flew out there in September to see him. We had a great time and he introduced me to his parents and his sister. In fact, his sister and his mother hit me up on G-chat or Skype from time to time and they even told me that I must be something special for “Jeremy” to bring me around. Well, all was fine and dandy until last week when he essentially dropped off the face of the earth. Although I am devastated I’m more confused by the fact that he couldn’t just clearly break things off. Were his feelings all false? I couldnt’ imagine ignoring someone completely that I shared quality time with and who I exchanged emotions with. I’ve experienced before and I just don’t understand why men can’t man up and do the right thing and be clear?

-Disappointed Debbie

Dear Disappointed Debbie,

Every so often, people write in to me and ask “Well, your relationship life must be perfect if you’re giving advice, right?” Although I usually respond sarcastically (My favorite? “I’m no expert…but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night”), I do see where they are coming from. I don’t think that you have to be perfect to give rational and practical advice. Sometimes, your imperfections even help.

This is one of those times.

I have been accused of doing what your German boo did to you. Actually, saying “been accused” takes me off the hook a bit. I have done what your German boo did to you. And, between knowing what was going on in my head and observing other men do similar things, I can tell you that this probably happened for one of two reasons:

1. He’s seeing someone else. Being that this was a long-distance relationship — something most men abhor, btw — this is the likeliest conclusion.

2. He treats everyone the way he treated you. Basically, the stuff that you thought was “special” was just commonplace for him, and it was easy for him to end things because he didn’t have much invested. It doesn’t mean that his feelings were false. He just wasn’t at the same place you are.

Now, as far as why he just disappeared instead of having a conversation with you and saying “Hey, I don’t want to be with you anymore,” the answer is simple: It’s easier! Rejecting a woman — especially a nice woman who you don’t harbor any bad feelings for — is one of the hardest things for a man to do. So, instead of doing it and risk her crying or getting angry or throwing pepper in his face or whatever, disappearing seems like a better option. (Plus, if you leave things ambigious, there’s always a chance of reconciliation if you change you mind)

Ultimately, though, as I’ve learned, if you’re trying to end things and not hurt someone’s feelings, disappearing is the worst thing you can do. It’s wrong any way you spin it. My advice to you; Move on. And, when you do move on, try to find someone who at least lives within a 500 mile radius.

Sincerely,

Damon Young