They’re All Liars & Other Lessons I Learned About Men

October 26th, 2012 - By Veronica Wells

Source: Shutterstock.com

Last night, inspired by the first crush story, I was talking to this guy about his first crush. He shared a cute story about being infatuated with some child actress before asking me about mine. I was too ready to share. My first crush was a boy named Alex. He was a fourth grader I’d spotted in the hallway one day. Though he was two years my senior, (I was a second grader at the time), it was infatuation at first sight. The boy was gorgeous. After weeks of practically breaking my neck to catch a glance at him, I decided to share my crush with one of my closest confidantes: my grandmother.

“Grandma, there’s this boy at school named Alex and he is sooo cute.”

Immediately, I could tell that she wasn’t going to share my excitement. She frowned, her lip curled, transforming her face into a mixture of concern and disgust. And that’s when I learned my first lesson about men…

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  • anon

    ‘Men’ don’t lie and by men i mean ‘a Man’ not a boy, not a charlitan,
    and not a person trying to get into your panties… Im talking about
    a true Man. I share my male gender with 50% of the planet but only 5%
    max of that number are men. women sew the seed of mistrust and
    depression only to take fancy to a new lollipop leaving you in prison of
    her perfectly gilded design. I know no other creature that can set
    brother on brother, father on son and bff on bff. Show me a woman that
    has never ‘spread’em’ for gain of any sort and you will be showing me my
    wife to be

  • Patricia

    The biggest lesson for me that I have learn about men when observing them is that they talk out of both sides of their mouth and they have double standards. They can do their dirt but they don’t want it done to them. For example cheating, they can run around with all these different women but if the woman cheats on them, they are done and not as forgiving as women. It is amazing to me how they say one thing and a second later they do something else and it is not a problem to them. Yet they can lie to women but they dont want women lie to them. Women is suppose to except foolishness and disrespect from them but they don’t want it done to them.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      He thinks he can do that because he has been told by several women that it is not him that is at fault for being a cheating lying d-bag, its those WOMEN’s fault for ‘allowing’ him to do it.

  • 1Val

    The men in my family taught me that men are providers, protectors, respect and love women. My father taught me if I can’t be a man’s everything than he deserves NOTHING from me, to never be with a man who can or will not provide for me and he reared me to be a man’s darling not his fool.

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    It is a shame so many of the women (and men) who visit this site believe in the notion that men are mindless creatures who are controlled by women under the guise of ‘men do what women allow them to do’. That is such BS!

    • Just Saying

      That is in relation to how a man will treat you and from first had experience it’s definitely true!

    • Na Na

      Yes I believe “Men do what women allow them to do” If you find out your man is cheating and you stay, you have allowed him to cheat. If you leave you have ended the relationship and he is not your man anymore to cheat on you, therefore you have not allowed him to cheat. Clearly not cooking well, or nagging is not ways that women allow men to do things. We are speaking in terms of what we accept from a man as in what we allow from him.

      • Kayo Halana Malie

        I disagree, but I am not going to argue with you about your choice to accept all of the blame in a relationship for a man cheating.

        • 1Val

          Please STOP being the victim if you do not ALL of your relationships will fail. Long before any man or woman cheats the wronged partner’s needs have not been met. And they stayed there and took it.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      I’m going to agree again with this.

  • Monica

    My daddy, uncles, older male cousins, and male friends have taught me the following about men:
    Men only do what women allow them to do
    Giving “it” away with a triple coupon will NEVER be the reason a man likes you
    Men aren’t as clueless as we think they are
    Not all men are dogs, liars, cheaters, etc.
    Men have feelings too
    Some other stuff in there but thats a whole other story.

    • Kayo Halana Malie

      “Men only do what women allow them to do” – Yes, they taught you that so that you wouldn’t hold them accountable for their poor behavior.

      • Gye Nyame

        What you just said makes absolutely no sense. Holding a man accountable for his behavior requires a woman to have standards and to NOT allow men to treat her any way he wants. When a man meets a woman with boundaries, limitations, and expectations, she has shown him that she will not allow him to mistreat her. That man then has 2 options: either get himself together and rise to the level of expectation or leave and find another woman who will allow any behavior. Its really that simple.

        • 1Val

          Co-signed. How a man treats a woman is a reflection of how that woman feels about herself. A self respecting and self loving woman does not tolerate drama, neglect and/or abuse in her personal relationships. If you are a woman who likes to play victim and let men dog you then what we are saying will not make sense to them. It is never about about anyone else its all about you.

          • Na Na

            How could anyone give this a thumbs down?

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            No. How a man treats a woman is a reflection of him. All day everyday. Let’s stop making excuses for the way grown a** people choose to conduct themselves in life. You don’t get a pass for treating people like sh*t because they allow you to and because you have a pen*s.

            • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

              THANK YOU!

            • 1Val

              Yes. Anger and hurt are understandable feelings after a man has mistreated a woman those feelings are misdirected at him. I agree we can not dictate adults conduct. So it behooves women NOT to interact with men who devalue them as well as examine their participation in self-abuse.

              Men do not get a “pass” or anything else with empowered women who know their value. Just like men don’t get a pass for being jerks women don’t get passes for being passive aggressive, engaged in denial while actively courting pain, misery that leads to their heartbreak. Women have free will, common sense and should have a sense of self-preservation. A man’;s actions shows women more than he tells them if he wants, likes and/or respects them. Any woman who allows a man to neglect, abuse and mistreat her must acknowledge her role in failed relationships.

              So a man’s treatment of a woman is a reflection of how she feels about herself

              • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                As long as you agree that both men and women are responsible/culpable for THEIR behavior in a relationship. How you treat your partner in a relationship is a reflection of YOU. Not the other way around.

                We can preach all day long that women ought to do x,y, and z if he does a,b,and c but we are not getting at the crux of the issue here. Why do we not hold these men to be accountable for being promiscuous, lazy, cheating, bums? Why don’t we say Hey, your behavior is unacceptable no matter what she may or may not allow you to do? Think on that for a minute. It takes two to have a dysfunctional relationship the onus cannot just be placed all on the woman’s shoulders.

                • 1Val

                  I disagree. You can NOT control anyone else’s behavior. But you can control your own behaviors. The only way a man can run game is when a woman decides to play it with him. It takes two people to be in a relationship and anyone who remains in a relationship ignoring red flags, accepting mistreatment are participating in self-abuse. You conveniently disallow women’s rights, responsibilities and obligation to themselves. If a woman is focused on herself she does not have cheating bums in her life. How you treat yourself in a relationship is a reflection of you. For example, a woman laying up with a whorish man knowing he cheats does not value her life, lacks integrity and in denial. Is he wrong for manipulating an emotional vulnerable individual? Of course, he is but she is just as guility if not more so than he is for letting him endanger her life by cheating on her. It is her life SHE is charged with valuing, protecting and living well. If a woman steadfastly believes she can change, raise or bully a man into treating her well sets herself up for failure. Any honest woman capable of engaging in self-reflection should be able and willing to admit that they stayed when they should have left bad relationships. Women’s anger with no-good men are misdirected for they are angry with themselves for being involved with them.

        • Kayo Halana Malie

          There is a difference between something not making sense and one simply disagreeing.

      • FromUR2UB

        Men generally don’t do that with their own female relatives. They are usually truthful about men’s motives to a fault, when it comes to the women in their family.

      • 1Val

        A woman holds a man accountable for his poor behavior by being accountable for her behavior. Hence the adage”men only do what women allow them to do.” Any man who demonstrates poor behaviors with a woman has presented her with two options acceptance or rejection of those behaviors. If a woman acceptance his behavior and remains in relationship the behavior will continue. If she rejects behaviors and opts out the behavior ceases.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Where is his accountability? Are you implying that most men are just moraless deviants without any sense of conscious and accountability for what the hell HE does and how HE treats the women in his life?

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        About time someone said that. For crying out loud every article that talks about the f*ed up things men do, its like someone blew the horn and here come the cavalier saying how men are only kind, reasonable, and good hearted because a woman makes them so. And they are only lying cheating, uncommitted cads because women allow them to be so.

        Damn, don’t men having a working brain and a soul? Aren’t they human and adults and able to make decisions based off of their own moral tenets and not on the morality of whatever woman they are sleeping with? Do they every have any accountability for anything they ever do?

        • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

          THANK YOU, AGAIN!

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            You are welcome. I swear people can’t see the forest but for the trees. All I’m suggesting is that men should have no more and no less the moral burden that women do. Somehow we have gotten to the point where we not only excuse their misconduct but even blame women for it! “well the reason so many men sleep around is because women let them” Huh? So he isn’t responsible for his d*ck because women “allow” him to do what he wants?

        • 1Val

          As a woman I am accountable and responsible for my actions with men. I do not continue interactions with men who devalue me. I govern my behaviors and I do not try to make a man be who he is not nor do I try to rear an adult man. Women can not coerce a man into loving, desiring and respecting them. After a man has shown a woman he is unwilling and/or incapable of meeting her needs it is on HER to honor her truth and end the relationship. If she does not he will continue to mistreat her and that is HER fault not his.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            And what does all of that have to do with him being an immoral loser? Nothing! You miss the point completely. All I’m saying is the morals of a man should not be measured by what a woman will or will not allow him to do. He should conduct himself as a man of virtue regardless of what women let him get away with. How can you dispute that? This is called accountability and for too long we have placed the moral bankruptcy of men on the shoulders of women. I don’t buy that nor do I accept it.

            • 1Val

              As have you entirely missed the point. A man who is an immoral loser is not a man a woman should or remained involved with. She has accountability to herself to act in her best interests. The man’s behaviors should not be her focus nor is it her responsibility. I don’t buy or accept denial, self-pity and righteous indignation to scapegoat men for poor decisions women make in their relationships. The only person obligated to love and respect a woman is herself and women who lack boundaries by not requiring respect and good treatment from men will never have healthy relationships.

              • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                “As you have entirely missed the point. A man who is an immoral loser is not a man a woman should or remained involved with.”

                That isn’t my point AT ALL!!! Of course a woman should severe all ties to a man she finds is disrespecting her. That isn’t what I am arguing. Say a woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her and has done so for quite some time. Who’s to blame for that? Do you say “well she should have known her husband was cheating on her. Its her fault for not knowing” or, “obviously she wasn’t keeping him happy at home or he would have never done that.” Its this whole blame the woman no matter what that I don’t prescribe to. Now if said woman after discovering her husband is an adulterer continues to remain in the marriage then yes, she has ownership in that. Do you get it now?

                • 1Val

                  What I get is your anger clouding your objectivity with men. You are hellbent on holding men accountable without acknowledging women MUST be accountable for their behaviors in relationships also. Any man or woman with a cheating partner knows they are being cheated on. If they choose to be in denial, forgive and tolerate cheating then so be it.

                  Ignorance is no defense for any man or woman being in unfulfilled relationships. The person who has been cheated on cheated themselves by devaluing their humanity being desperate for love/relationship since they stayed in an unhealthy relationship. I don’t blame women for male behaviors.

                  I do blame women for dishonoring themselves just to have a man only to blame the man who they knew didn’t want them. I firmly believe that men can not “play” women if they do not participate in the games. Women should be focused on their behaviors in a relationship not men. I don’t have nonsense from men because I do not permit it. So no man has dogged, used, lied, abandoned, abused or mistreated me. Being a relationship victim does not resonate with me. So you and I should agree to disagree.

                  • Gye Nyame

                    1Val, you’ve got to leave cheekee baby in her own delusional world if she thinks people can change others behavior with shame, guilt, or a stern “talkin to”. The first thing I learned in a management/administration course I took was as a leader, you can not control your workers behavior, you can only control how you respond/react to those workers, which in turn will change their behavior. You really can’t make an ADULT “do” anything they don’t want, but you have total control over what you do. Please don’t waste any more of your insightful intellect on someone who is choosing to be narrow minded.

                    • 1Val

                      What I find troubling about BW who possess victims mindset with men are their obvious lack of a sister circle. BW of a certain age really shouldn’t be that clueless about men.

                    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                      No one is clueless. I’m going to assume you two are not married. . . . granted I don’t have much experience with being a “strong” single black woman I do know that there is a higher level of communication and mutual regard in a relationship then “I ain’t gonna let him treat me just any kinda way.”

                    • Gye Nyame

                      Please don’t assume..you know how the saying goes I’ve been married for 10 years, so get to the back of the line with your assumption. I’ve been married since I was 24 so I don’t have much experience being “single” either. So if that was an attempt to make us feel bad b/c we’re not married…you failed. I’m married to a wonderful man, I have 2 beautiful children, and I live a comfortable life. 10 years of marriage has come with love, respect, commitment, compromise, and communication, as well as standards and expectations. Never try to attack another woman’s self esteem by pointing out that you’re married, and she’s single…its pathetic. BTW it is usually pretentious, married, windbags like you who are in the dark about what their husbands are up to.

                    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                      What in the heck are you talking about? This has nothing to do with controlling the behavior of others. This really has to do with why men who are not interested in a lady will lie and feign interest instead of ending things. For cryin out loud you chicks are so hell bent on blaming the woman for getting with him instead of addressing why HE would do that. The point isn’t to assign blame to anyone but to get some insight into what would make a man do that and the answer isn’t as simple as “he’ll only do what you allow him to do.” Why in the hell would he want to do that at all is the ultimate question.

                  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                    “Any man or woman with a cheating partner knows they are being cheated
                    on. If they choose to be in denial, forgive and tolerate cheating then
                    so be it.”

                    How you can assume someone knows they are being cheated on is beyond my own comprehension. Once again you blame the woman for someone else’s poor deeds. THIS article is not asking why women ‘allow’ men to lie to them. THIS article asks why do men go through the motions of lying to a woman they aren’t interested in. That’s the question. Get off your soapbox for a moment and address the actual topic of discussion. Why would a man lie to a woman? My answer: because its easier for HIM to not deal with the dirtiness of letting someone go. Very simple answer to a very simple question. This has nothing to do with what the woman allows or won’t allow it only deals with the functioning of HIS mind. Not hers.

                • Gye Nyame

                  No, do you get it now? That’s what we’ve been saying all along. No a woman is not responsible for her husband cheating on her without her knowledge, but what she does when she finds out will impact her husbands behavior from that point forward. In order to hold her cheating husband accountable for his poor behavior, she must have standards and expectations. You’d be surprised how many woman have an idea of what is going on with their husbands, but they accept all kinds of poor behavior in the relationship, and those are the types of women I am talking about. But no matter how much we explain this I just don’t think you get it…smh.

            • Gye Nyame

              You are obviously so angry that you just don’t get it. I suspect your anger stems from the way you were mistreated in relationships, and instead of analyzing your role in this treatment, you blamed the man. So you moved on to the next relationship and encountered the same treatment, and you never took responsibility for your own poor choices, so relationship after relationship all you’ve walked away with is that men are dogs, and you are the victim. Until you take responsibility for yourself you will stay bitter and repeat the same behavior…good luck. I don’t think men are dogs, I happen to think they are funny, insightful, intellectually stimulating, and a great balance for my female energy. But I believe that b/c of the types of men I have ALLOWED in my life. Stop blaming and build your self esteem.

              • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                LOL don’t pretend to assume you know a damn thing about my dating life. I’m married and have been so for almost 6 blissful years to a wonderful man. So I KNOW all men aren’t dogs. However, I won’t excuse the ones that are by saying “well if women take responsibility for the way a man treats her. . . .” No that isn’t good enough! Men should be good, moral, and kind people because that is what everyone should strive to be. It doesn’t matter what she ‘allows’ him to do, he’s a man and should live for and be about good regardless. I want you to take some time and actually read what it is I’m writing here. Please leave your assumptions about what you think I am and focus strictly on the words I type not what you want to paint my life as. Thank you!

                • Gye Nyame

                  I just don’t understand why you are so angry, but maybe its just who you are so i won’t argue. However, I must say I am genuinely happy that you are married to a wonderful man…honestly no sarcasm here. But I have a proposition for you. Ask your husband if he has treated every woman he has dated the same way he treated you. I’m almost certain he will say NO, that is not to say he was a dog, but men tend to treat women based on the way that woman carries herself. After you ask your husband, ask about 3-4 more males that you can have an open and candid discussion with. My husband is a great man as well, but he will tell you he did not treat every woman he has dated the way he treats me. Every human should strive to have character and integrity, but in the real world it doesn’t work that way. I’m a teacher and I have students that will behave a certain way in my class, and a completely different way in another teacher’s classroom. Are all these kids bad…no. The truth is they should behave no matter who their teacher is, but the truth of the matter is that kids, as well as men and women, push boundaries to see what they can get away with. That’s all I’m saying…it doesn’t make it right, but unfortunately its true.

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    I was not ‘taught’ any ‘lessons’ about men. I’ve more so observed their behavior. Two things I have noticed:

    Men will lie about trivial things to impress a woman or backtrack on things they’ve said because a woman who they are interested in did not agree.

    and

    Men will not admit to being wrong even when you (a woman) have proven to them that they are wrong.

    |’Men are the head, women are the neck’ – For me, as a woman, I am my own head AND neck.|

    • gracie

      Omg @Kayo you are so right! They lie on the most trivial things. My bf lied to me about his own son, he said he adopted him!

      • Na Na

        Lmao wait, wait, wait. I’m sure the truth surrounding that one eventually came out. Are yall still together? Just curious as how other women react when they have been presented with mistruths.

      • JP

        wow thats not good. dude cant claim his own seed. dead wrong.

    • hattrick3

      Hmm real men do admit when they are wrong and apologize if it was something that ended up hurting someone they love and real men stick to their principles. Sorry but doesn’t sound like you have much experience with real men, at least good ones…

      • Kiyoko Kayo Hisoka

        You don’t have to be sorry. Sometimes we all make unfounded assumptions.

  • L-Boogie

    Stay single

  • Candacey Doris

    What I’ve learned about men is that even though they are so different
    sometimes, they can be just what wee need to keep us together and make
    life complete. After all, you know, women are liars too. What’s more, we’re better liars. And it may not be all about sex for us, but a lot of it is. Women may be the neck, but without the head to hold up, we look pretty damn lonely out there, don’t we?

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