The Difference Between Your Guy’s Female Friend & The Chick Waiting In The Wings

November 10, 2012  |  

The term female friend is like kryptonite to girlfriends everywhere, especially for those of us who watch too many of those romantic comedies where the guy realizes that he is in love with his female best friend and the two skip off down a crowded New York City street, hand-in-hand and live happily ever after leaving the clueless and unlucky girlfriend wondering where she went wrong. As a woman who has found herself on both sides of this triangle, as both the concerned girlfriend and the completely platonic female friend, I feel that it is safe to say that there isn’t much I have not witnessed when it comes to the strain of dating a man with a close female friend. In my experience, I can say with affirmation that not all female friends are man-stealers and in the same breath say that not all female friends are on the up-and-up either. It all comes down to the woman’s motives. Sometimes her only intention is to have a great friendship with your guy. Other times, she’s merely occupying the friend role until the girlfriend role is available. And that’s only if she’s not scandalous enough to try to push up on him while he is still in a relationship with you. But how can you tell the difference? How do you separate the reals from the fakes? Peep her moves, they’ll almost always reveal her motives, and of course, his behavior will also help in determining what the deal is as well. Coping with a boyfriend’s close relationship with another woman can be difficult for some women, but before you go getting your panties in a bunch and giving all of your guy’s lady pals the side-eye, check out these signs that may indicate whether she’s just a friend or a woman on a mission.

Bad Signs: She has no interest in getting to know you 

This one seems to apply to newly budding friendships more than already established friendships. When you’re really looking to get to know a person, you are looking to learn more about them and if you really care, the things that are important to them will be important to you as well. As a girlfriend or a wife, you are more than likely a significant factor in your guy’s life. If a new lady shows up on the scene claiming that she wants to be friends with your man but she seem’s to want absolutely nothing to do with you, this could be an indication that she has motives other than friendship in mind.

She sends inappropriate texts and e-mails 

If a friendship is platonic, I believe that all correspondence should reflect a platonic relationship. If you’re discovering or your guy is telling you that she’s sending random, overly flirtatious messages, tasteless photos of herself, etc., I feel like it is safe to say that this chick is suspect. Most platonic friends do not interact in that manner and if she was really his friend she would show respect, if not for you then certainly for him and his relationship. I’d never want to be the of cause problems between a guy I call my friend and his lady.

She’s way too “touchy feely” with him

Physical touching such as playful hitting and the occasional brushing of arms may be innocent, but when this happens over and over again, eyebrows may begin to raise. If you’re noticing that this chick is always looking for an excuse to touch him and be in close physical contact with him something might be up with her.

He tries to keep her a secret and/or doesn’t want you to meet her

This one is usually a dead giveaway that things aren’t exactly on the up-and-up, especially when you’re the kind of couple who is well acquainted with one another’s friends. Most of the time when a guy doesn’t want you to meet his new lady friend it is usually because for some reason or another, he hasn’t told her that he’s in a relationship or hasn’t told her the complete truth about you (or vice versa). This is not to say that he is cheating with her, but this situation is definitely worth looking into.

She subtly (or blatantly) attempts to make you second guess your man

Did you peep that she’s always whispering to you when he’s not around or acting as if she’s sharing some breaking news with you about your man? Is she always making faces or making eye contact with you when he’s speaking as if she’s alluding to the idea that he may not be telling you the whole truth? Yeah, something is probably up with this chick. Nine times out of 10, she is playing mind games and if he was really her “boy” she would not be trying to throw him under the bus.

Her attempts to get to know you feel insincere

Does it feel like the two of you are playing twenty-one questions anytime she’s in your presence? Does she question you as if the following day her life depends on her acing a quiz on the story of your life? Does it feel like she’s trying to force a friendship? Something may be up with this one. I wouldn’t completely write her off, but I wouldn’t make her my BFF either. Most times when a person genuinely wants to form a friendship you can feel the authenticity and it happens naturally. This one, however, may just be trying to get one up on her competition (you) by learning as much as she possibly can.

Good Signs: He seems excited about the two of you meeting 

Has he ever said “Aw man, I can’t wait for you to meet so and so. The two of you are going to love each other”? Has he made it his business to ensure you and his female friends are familiar with and comfortable with one another? This is a good sign. Now, there are some men just bold enough to do this; however most men in their right minds won’t be tripping over themselves to introduce their girlfriend to the woman he is trying to get with and most women won’t be gung-ho to meet the girlfriend of the guy they’re looking to push up on.

She makes an effort to make sure you feel included 

When your boyfriend’s gal pal puts forth an effort to include you in certain activities, outings and celebrations, it is a great sign. Because she is your partner’s friend and not yours, she really has no obligation to you. But, for her to go out of her way to extend a friendly invitation to you shows that she is willing to accept you as an extension of him and that there probably isn’t any funny business going on.

She knows her boundaries and doesn’t step outside of them

In my friendships with men, I’ve always known my limits and no matter how close we were, there were always lines that I knew not to cross. I recognized that although he and I may be the best of friends, that was all it was. I never started trying to fill the girlfriend role by carrying out girlfriend tasks. In me being anything other than a friend to him would be me stepping out of my lane and causing confusion.

She’s given you no reason to look at her suspiciously

Before you get your panties all in a bunch about other women being in your man’s life, take a chill pill and take inventory of the situation with a level head. Some women are scandalous, but not all of them are. If she’s given you no reason to believe that she is untrustworthy or insincere, give her a chance.

Jazmine Denise is a freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twittter @jazminedenise

All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock 

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  • shar chillzz

    it’s all about trust but some women can hide in plain sight and those are the women I don’t like. I’m newly married and I’ve found that really sneaky women can do this well.

  • ReallyRebecca

    I’ve been scandalous. I’ve been the ‘friend’ who was having a sexual relationship with him. Nothing on that list, individually or taken together, will help you distinguish between friend or ‘faux’.

  • dbatt001

    the clicks I wasted on this article…the real answer is there is no difference. Yes im a cynic.

  • Cogito

    Everyone should be secure in their knowledge that their partners are with them of their own free will, volition and desire, but his or her having a friend inimately parked next to you relationship is like a wall street investor trading off of inside information. They are essentially doing an apprenticeship and will leverage their accrued knowledge when the opportunity present itself should they be desirious of your mate. And you will be complicit in fostering this possibility in the name of not being “concerned.”

  • Plumbline

    Don’t be gullable. Those female friends will turn out to be his next girlfriend or wife if you let them hang around………..
    ……….Galatians 5:9
    A little leaven leavens the whole lump.

  • Meyaka

    Hubby doesn’t have any female friend ,and I don’t have male friends. We don’t see use for either….

    • Thank you! Same for my hubby and I. We don’t feel the need. Of course when we first started dating I made sure he wasn’t the type of man to have women “friends” hanging around. Been there done that, wasn’t a fan of ol’ dude’s ex he called his best friend. Yeah no, someone you use to screw is not your friend they are a friendly ex, and yes there is a difference.

      • Meyaka

        Well said,the sad part is many women play into that friend b.s….