Just Can’t Leave Him Alone: Should You Remain Friends With Your Ex?

October 20th, 2012 - By Brooke Dean

 

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The best part of being in a relationship for most people is the friendship you’ve built with your partner. While passion, chemistry and great sex make up a large part of attraction, friendship and mutual respect are what keep a relationship growing and strong. But what happens when that relationship ends…for whatever reason? Can (or should) exes remain friends? Personally, I think exes can be great friends, but it may take some finesse…and time. After all, if you started off as friends, you should be able to maintain the friendship right? Sometimes the friendship was the best part of the relationship, and just because you don’t make it down the aisle doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, you’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets.

But some may say that this is exactly why you CANNOT be just friends. You’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets – AND YOU’VE SEEN EACH OTHER NAKED! If you’re unsure on if you should bring the relationship back to the friendship level, consider these things before you take it there.

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  • Naye in VA

    My ex-fiance and I broke up 6 years ago, and after a lot of talking we realized it was one of those right things at the wrong time. He is one of my best friends now, I even go to him for advice on other guys. He is my intellectual match, and enjoys a good debate, tells me, about myself, as i do him, and holds me down when I need him to. I am not attracted to him, and he is not attracted to my baby-daddy lol. And because I consider him an actual friend (and i dont consider many, so i am very loyal to those that I do) I would not give him up for a BF. BF is introduced to the situation early, and he should not expect it to change if he becomes marriage material. It’s not an issue of respect its an issue of trust. It doesnt work for everybody.

  • get real

    Ladies listen. Men aren’t gonna date you with these x losers and “buck” friends” (you know what I wanna say)friends hanging around. Ok “he’s my friend no matter what” Ok let your old “buck” friend or “ex control your new relationship.Don’t scream “MEN AINT ISH” when we bounce becasue of that dumbness…

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      I actually agree with you.

  • jandrea310

    Only when children or you are in business together like me other than that hell no

  • lacehankies

    My feeling is that it’s always BEST to have a sense of completeness with an EX this way there no DESIRE to want to keep the FLAMES burning. Make sure that you give yourself 3-6 months of HEALING mentally(soul searching) and finding yourself again—then you might(it varies with everyone) be ready for the next relationship.
    Otherwise, there is NO reason to remain friends with an EX this situation ONLY benefits the MAN. Often times SOME women will agree to still being friends because it keeps the door OPEN for geting back together or having SEX and this is NOT good. There is a reason WHY you cut ties in the first place—it best to go with that.
    I find personally that I’ve had some MEN that I dealt with that will just send text messages or will just CALL after two or three months and expecting me to embrace them as IF I didn’t tell you then that we need to go our separate ways—I still feel the same—we are NOT a GOOD fit! If I see you in my travels, I’m not bitter, I’m going to GREET you but I’m not keeping that door OPEN for you–just so that you can play with my emotions!

  • ieshapatterson

    i think for most couples,it’s not good.but if you 2 can make it work,then more power to ya.

  • Poolgamer

    Personally, I think you can be friends with some exes but not all, it depends on what your relationship was like with that person and on how it may have ended. My most recent ex. I will not be friends with due to the fact that I caught him in so many lies that my opinion and respect for him has changed so drastically. He on the other hand has attempted to remain friends with me but I will not allow that. I want no contact with him by phone or text. Once you lie to me that is it! However, if I ever see him again I will be civil and I informed him of the fact I will not contact him nor do I want him to contact me…move along sir and go back to your undercover women I’m done!

  • Dee

    I still talk with my ex everyday. I think once either one of us starts dating, then the talking will reduce but he has been in my life for the past 4 years and we’ve been off and on for those 4 years. We were long distance the whole time so I can see why its been easy to keep in touch.

    • BAPS

      um well it sounds like he’s not your ex, you guys are casually dating and just keeping your options open

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Thank you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/kay.moore.7965 Kay Moore

    Leave the past in the past! Besides exes just bring problems to the new relationships. Cut ties and move on!

  • huh

    The reason one would want to remain friends with an ex is because they still emotionally connected to the person and use the ‘friend’ word to remain close to the person or communication. It wll never be true friendship its history, memories, whether good or bad, jealousy for a new partner. It would take a act of God to make him or her to realize u were really the one and for a man he will literally have to be on his deathbed,lol women not so much but he may be married by that time. So do urself a favor wish the other person well and move on and give the new person a fair shot.

  • Plumbline

    The old has gone, the new has come…….Be loyal to the New and make them feel Number One, and that they can trust you. Keeping in touch with the ex just brings problems into the new relationship……..if you have to keep in touch, I would ask you the motive as to WHY?? You may have to keep in touch if there are joint children involved, but otherwise, you should never have to see them again…….

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Amen.

  • DeepThinker

    I think cordial, but not friends. Speak to each other in passing, maybe friends on social networks (if both have moved on), but hanging together, e-mailing and calling is a set-up for re-opening the relationship or not ending completely ending it. Every guy I met that was still “friends” with his ex was still smashing,had unfinished business or was disrespectful by ignoring my status as a girlfriend. Ending a relationship completely gives the new person you are dating a fair chance.

    • Jas

      I agree, I don’t think you can truly be into the new person if you’re still holding on to an ex. Better to let it go and move on completely.

    • BedStuyBklynChica

      Well said and ex is and ex for a reason!

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yes. Your post is on point. Being friendly shouldn’t be confused with being friends. Not hating your ex doesn’t mean you make them a regular part of your life nor should you (granted you don’t have kids together). It is much healthier to take care of all the relationship business and unresolved feelings and then and only then do you move on.

  • Pivyque

    I think it’s possible. It’s not for me though. Neither one of my exes have seen me naked, but we do share memories and I think it’s easy to fall into “remember when” if you get too comfortable with them again. I’d rather nip that in the bud lol Once we break up, we can’t be friends, but we can always be cordial!

  • jdmann

    Best to keep the distance and move on unless you are in show business and need the publicity.

  • http://twitter.com/cocoa49 toni

    Yes and No. It depends where their heads are at. If one still has that “i still love him” feelings then no they can’t be friends. If both have moved on to someone else and only feel friendship towards each other, the yes they can be friends.

  • Meyaka

    Exes are exes for a reason, how people stay friends with their exes is beyond me, but it’s also none if my business, do what you want.

  • Mia

    My ex is the Mickey-fiffing anti-Christ, the farther he is away from me, the better. The married, lying, cheating sob!

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