Keeping Your Legs Closed: Why Waiting To Have Sex Is The Best Way To Go If You Want a Relationship (And Not A Fling)

October 21st, 2012 - By Cecily Michelle

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Sex is good. And for many of us, sex is great. It can make your eyes roll, toes curl, head snap back and legs tremble with so much intensity you think there’s an earthquake happening. But in a blossoming relationship, sex can be risky. If not with the right person, having sex too early will most likely leave you glued to your sofa with puffy eyes and a box of Kleenex—in other words, dude will up and jet as soon as he gets what he wants, burdening you with an achy heart and have you feeling like a complete fool, well unless that’s all you were looking for as well. Or you might discover that the man you thought was the good, clean-cut man-of-God is a low-down dirty dog who never deserved getting your goods in the first place. Here come the shoulda, coulda, wouldas…

It happens all the time. You wind up in a guy’s bed after going out on the first date or just a few dates, and while you might not get dumped, you spend months falling into his glory only to find that he’s not very honest, not very nice, not very single, or a VERY big man w***e with kids spread all around the globe. Angry and bruised, all you think is, “I wish that I’d kept my legs closed.” We’ve all heard, read, and shared these stories time and time again.

It may be hard to do, but waiting for sex allows you time to forge a deeper connection with your mate. The more you talk—the more you get to know him and learn about his childhood friends, treasured secrets and favorite past times—the deeper your bond will be, which not only makes it easier for him to respect you (and vice versa), but increases your chances of powerful, passionate sex. You see, when you jump right to the covers, sex tends to end up being the basis of the relationship, and if it’s not good, you’ll probably call it quits. With no real feelings involved, you won’t be open to teaching your man how to love you the way you want to be loved, even if he is fully equipped in every other department. No enthusiasm, no passion.

But if you stay strong and keep your panties on tight, you learn to get comfortable with a person, and when the time comes to pour up the wine and throw on the Trey Songz (or much better, Teddy Pendergrass), you won’t be concerned about the small stuff—things you can work around. You won’t worry as much about the things that would’ve driven you mad had you not known your man as well as you do. Your level of respect for one another will supersede all of your flaws—and his—and neither of you will mind looking past everything that matters in relationships based on superficial standards.

If you’re serious about a guy, make sure you make him wait a little while before he gets a chance to get you in the sack. Sex is a powerful thing, and if you decide to knock the boots before you feel him out and know what he’s all about, you could be ruining a chance at something good.

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  • eve

    2 years celibate so proud of myself

  • Torontochick

    Well, personally, my guy fell for me after we had sex, which occurred after date #2. It solidified it for him because he wasn’t willing to commit to a woman he wasn’t sure he was sexually compatible with. After date #3 a few nights later (which also included sex), he asked me to be his girlfriend.

  • Des

    Overall I agree with the article that waiting can create a deeper bond. However some men don’t care how long they wait as long as they have someone else on the side. So waiting really is no guarantee that a man is genuine about you.

  • Nope

    I think women need to stop with all of this ‘whoa is me, he wants sex!’ talk. Most of you are getting free meals, excuses to buy new outfits, and most importantly indefinite attention out of these situations (which is just like sex for you all).

  • Danes

    How about just waiting for marriage? Or is that too old fashioned.

    • yeppers

      No thats the BEST way…however even the most devout people do have sex with their partners before marriage….But they have established the connection they have with God is strong…like someone said above everyone makes mistakes…but if you DO choose to lay down with the love you have found make sure you have that spiritual bond and let a marriage be in your future. Let it be known that you are willing to make that ultimate comittment to the person you are giving your temple to. But waiting till marriage is the best policy….

  • Kay

    So puttin it on em dosent make em wanna murry meh?

    • Sheena

      Lmao

  • ANTMilf

    I’ve been with my man for over 3 years (just got engaged back in July) and we have not had s3x yet. I’m celibate and he respects that and we learn about each other and we go out and have a great time at the movies, at a concert, going out to dinner without getting it on in the bedroom. Most men out here want s3x and not try to get to know the person first, which is why we have the baby mama/daddy drama and spreading STDs today. If any won’t work hard to get your goodies, they don’t deserve it.

    • lola289

      Im w/ my guy for a year now and we are on the same path as ur relationship(minus ring4now). People don’t realize that sex shouldn’t be a fundamental factor in a relationship. Can you talk, live, have fun w/out having sex? In the end, ladies need to stand up & say “I want more!”and not just give away the cookies. I just hope people can understand and learn from your words…
      Congrats & GodBless

      • ANTMilf

        Thanks. :)

      • yeppers

        thank God for both of you ladies..if people got back to DATing and not worried about whats in eachothers pants we could see the growth of truly families and love come back into our generation and society…it hurts my heart that we as young people dont have much to look forward to these days with most guys expecting you to drop yo drawers just to date you…its SAD. That why im on that same path myself and its hard meeting like minded people, but I trust and stay true to that word….to me theres NOTHING in this world worth me straying away from that. love both of your posts.

      • Anna2323

        I’m sorry but I disagree sex IS a fundamental factor in an adult relationship. Most healthy adult women have a sex drive, why deny a natural urge? Seems more manipulative to me- if you can’t trust someone not to use you after a year then you probably shouldn’t be dating that person.

        • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

          Take sex out of relationship and the world is over in about 50 years.
          Sex is the only reason why a man chose a woman over another man. Because let face, man has more in common with man. So, if we were getting in relationships for talking, playing, and random sh*t, men would live with men and women would live with women. Because
          This article is not about downgrading the importance of sex to a relationship and society. this article is about the right way to take advantage of this wonderful thing we call SEX.

  • slinkyminnie

    AGREED! I’ve actually experienced both sides. I slept with a man that I was attracted to and more so lusted for – a mutual lust (early in it) & we ended up dating for a while. I have also hopped in the sack too soon and wished that I had established a stronger connection with the guy. It lead to nothing. & the sex was AWFUL because all I could think about was how uncomfortable I felt, how unrelaxed I truly was, and was this really something that I wanted to do. Sex is SOOOO much more pleasurable when you have a mental connection with the person. It’s easy to bang bang bang and be done and feel NOTHING. BUT when the connection is strong, you can really get into it and experience a mind blowing experience .. because c’mon, the pleasure that comes from a climax for a chick is thinking about how good it feels to have this man “stroking” you. LOL – I tried to say that without sounding too explicit. Good stuff!

    • flyguy

      That’s what i’m saying you can wait or not…it don’t matter,if he want you he want you two weeks or six months

  • http://blackplanet.com/dcb514 D.C. Price, MBA,PMP,MCTS,CNA

    The most coveted things in this world are those things not available to everyone. When you spread your pearl before swine, what you end up with is HIV, emotional baggage, mistrust issues and much more. Be rare and keep yourself to yourself until the one worth having you comes along. (4 years celibate and going strong).

    • ucantbserious

      You are absolutely right!!!
      Three and a half years celibate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fireseducer Kimberly Bernard

    I closed shop since last December and no regrets. You truly get to know a man better when sex is not involved. You also get to see what they are after, is it only for sex or to really develop a relationship. This article just reinforces the path that I choose to take. Trust the right man will come along and see your worth w/o having sex with you. It may take some time but patience is a virtue.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      YAL ARE MY INSPIRATION………REAL TALK

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002649095493 Caviar Caviar Jewelz Jewelz

    I can only speak for myself i had to close shop when i was giving it up it clouded my judgement i got tired of getting what i was getting so i shut it down so far every guy just wants the sex they dont want to earn it work for it or nothing so i got my mind together i know my worth and when god sends me the right one we will do things the right way people close legs dont get feed well open legs dont mean your going to get the man and keep him either. they say a way to man is through his stomach to me thats just a way for a man to get a free meal and when a man says that to me i hit him with this a way to a woman is with your wallet buy some groceries and ill cook lol. you have to choose the path that works best for you and be sure you can live with what ever happens. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES YOUR WORTH IT !!

    • Yeppers

      yeas sweetheart u Betta preach!!! I need to get out my holy oil!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/MzbofPhilly Mzb OfPhilly

      Luv your words!!!!!

    • eve

      well said

  • Korey

    I do not mind waiting. My problem is is that while I am waiting to see if I am really liking someone, I have to betray be internal clock because some people are quick to get the in the sheet. I have to compete with those that are at the ready for intimacy faster than I am.

    • Yeppers

      hunny don’t let what anyone else is ready to do quick make u betray your future… There are and will always be people that are in a different path than u… U have to be on gods path not theirs. He is the one that will reward u for that obedience not a man or the world…. Stay true hunny. He sees that!! BlesS u sweetheart.

  • Kelly

    It depends on the guy! Why should a guy judge you for sleeping with him on the first date? How does that make him any better? We get weak and we make mistakes. Having sex on the first date isn’t a good idea, but I respect a guy whose willing to admit he was at wrong too.

    • yeppers

      Dudes are NOT going to admit they are wrong about that sweetheart…their goal if they are NOT in a committed relationship WITH YOU clearly…is to get into your pants as quickly as possible and if you are dumb enough to do that on the first date then why would they have to work for in in subsequent dates for something they wanted on the 1st and got….Yes if you make them wait and they truly like you and are ‘willing to wait” then u can test to see if they value sexual relationships that much….BUT IF A MAN DOESNT VALUE SEX IN THAT MANNER THEY ARE NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE OR FEEL ANY KIND OF WAY FOR HAVING IT WITH YOU ON THE FIRST MEETING….Im sorry I just feel like thats kinda crazy….most guys dont give a crap after they have gotten in you quick so unless yall had some love at first sight ish….he wont admit anything.

  • Meyaka

    I don’t think how long you wait will determine the lengthy of your relationship,however you shouldn’t just jump in bed with a guy you just met either.

    • flyguy

      Out of all the coment i have read yours is the real deal…Ladies it don’t matter how long you wait if he don’t want you for a relationship he don’t. Holding out want change that. If a man has man up his mind he don’t want a relationship you think making him wait 6 months will change his mind. Guys will wait if they really want the sex but at the same time be getting it somewhere else. I really feel sorry for lady because it’s very hard to know who’s foreal and not.

      • Des

        True. It is very hard to know who’s for real. Because some men that only want sex really don’t care about how long they wait. Chances are they have someone else on the side in the meantime.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Don’t fall for that BS line. The point of waiting isn’t to guarantee a relationship the point of waiting is for YOU to decide if he is a man worthy of the nookie.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        It isn’t that hard. The fact is a woman with half a brain will be able to pick up in 6 months time whether he’s waiting around for the cookie or actually interested in her. You can’t hide your true intentions forever.

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    How about we let women decide for themselves when to have sex?

    • http://twitter.com/aibridges Ashia

      Exactly!

    • lola289

      I agree…everyone has to learn, but I think women need these types of posts to show them that sex is not the ONLY way.

      • slinkyminnie

        AGREED!

      • Kayo Halana Malie

        The only way for what? And why is it that women are the ones who need all of this ‘advice’?

        • lola289

          Watch Juanita Bynum’s “No More Sheets” for my belief behind it…

          • Kayo Halana Malie

            Why can’t you just explain it?

    • Danes

      It does not appear we’re good decision makers or else this conversation or issue wouldn’t even be an issue.
      No hypocrisy ladies b/c I’ve messed up, too. Waiting is def the way to go. Sex clouds our (women) judgement and our emotions. We’re not built the same as men.

      • Kayo Halana Malie

        Speak for yourself. There is no ‘we’ are this and ‘our’ anything.

        • yeppers

          We arent MEN….dont have the same body parts or genetic makeup that makes our emotions or chemical balances the same….so explain to me how we are supposed to be LIKE men????…when we are not in any way LIKE men other than the fact we are HUMANS…you can try and sleep around like men if you want….but the fact that you ARE A WOMAN will show itself true every time…I could care less what SOCIETY is telling me i should be like..Im not a man PERIOD!!! And will not carry myself or care for my body as one.

          • Kayo Halana Malie

            Blah. Blah. Blah. I don’t understand your comment really. You are responding to an argument that you made, not one I made.

          • Anna2323

            Biological differences aside we are actually more like men than different from them.

        • Zaga

          ALL of your posts are irritating. On every article, your like an antagonist. People can’t even enjoy a good article with you around.

          • Kayo Halana Malie

            Boo hoo hoo. I couldn’t care less.

  • ieshapatterson

    for some people,they were able to get a ring after,they spread their legs and stay married for 10-years.i know others who waited,got the ring and have stayed married.for years.all in all,it’s what you think will work for you.

  • Denise

    If he’s not the one then he’s not the one. Y’all have too many damn rules. Everybody has had a mistake in judgement at least once. It’s better to find that out after a fling than after a divorce.

    • http://twitter.com/aibridges Ashia

      agree!

    • Yeppers

      but he mistake in judgmetb often times happens and is magnified because of that choice to have sex before a deep relastionship or marriage. So how many times do u need to make that mistak before u realize u need to stop and wait until someone commits themselves to you??? Mistakes are meant to teach u not make u go out and try it again hoping for a different result.

  • Self-worth

    Its like why buy the cow when you can get milk for free? I interpret this to mean that an emotional connection needs to be established first. dont give up your treasure right away. thats something that needs to be earned , not just GIVEN. men will even at the end of the day if it doesnt work out, cant say that they do not respect you for letting them earn the cookie & trying to build an actual relationship off of emotions & not a sexual one.

  • Nope

    Women that ‘waited’ are no more married than the ones that didn’t. Being in a longterm relationship that doesn’t end up in marriage is being just as empty handed (pun intended) as someone that was just in a fling. But hey, whatever makes people feel a little better about themselves.

    • Yeppers

      But what does ANYTHING U JUST SAID…. Have to do with giving someone our body… Sex doesn’t create a relationship, marriage or anything else… So what is your point… If you are trying to build a relationship or a marriage DO THAT. But don’t tell someone that sex doesn’t matter because of a relationship status because hat has nothing to do with it.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Waiting isn’t to guarantee a relationship or marriage. Waiting is to determine if he is a man worthy of the nookie.

    • Anna2323

      Some of us don’t want marriage and see no necessity for it. If he comes home to me everyday and treats me with love and respect, why does a piece of paper stating it actually matter?