Would A Black Man Take You Seriously If You Gave It Up After The Fourth Date? Book Says Most Men Would

77 Comments
October 12, 2012 ‐ By Marissa Ellis

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Recently here at the offices, we received a copy of the book WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. It’s a fun read filled with surveys of men sharing their thoughts on dating, women, sex, and relationships. Flipping through the data, nothing really surprised me except for this one small survey about when men expect sex from a woman they’re dating. Most of the men surveyed said they expected it after the fourth date.

Fourth date, really?

I know I’m conservative so I had to run the stat by my co-workers to see just how prudish I was being. Funny enough, they had the same reaction. Well, can I really say “funny enough” considering that all my co-workers are Black. I’m not sure if it comes as a surprise that white women and black women have two very different approaches when it comes to sex & dating. When I first read the statistic in the book,  a panel of 25,000 white men came to mind. White because I always had the impression of white men being much more liberal with sex, and in turn, passing on more liberal attitudes about sex to their women. The message I received all of my life is that if you give up the goods without a commitment, you are playing yourself. In other words, having sex on the first, second, third, or even seventh date (without commitment) is not an option for someone wanting to be taken seriously. But…I know my white friends didn’t get that same message. For the friends I had in high school and college, sex was looked at much less seriously. It was just…sex. Not to say that a white man wouldn’t be turned off by a woman giving it up on the first date, but the fact that so many women I know who did that very act got into serious relationships with those very men is testament to the fact that this “fourth date” expectation is no big thing. Can we say that Black men overall have the same expectations and standards, and would accept a woman as “wifey material” if she gave it up by the fourth date? Chime in!

 

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  • NSimonefan

    This is bs! Having sex with someone on the fourth date! What do you know abou someone in four dates? These microwave, fast forward hookups are the reasons why we have these bitter male and female relationships (even on a mere platonic social level), too many divorces, and out of wedlock chldren. Sleeping with someone on the 4th date, you could be sleeping with someone with an std, a criminal record, or possibly a blood relative. That’s the point! You’re having sex with someone who you barely know; a stranger.

  • DeepThinker

    These relationship articles and books that love to base their advice on so-called statistics and race are really getting ridicuous not everybody from a certain group thinks the same way. Some guys will commit to a woman after casual s3x some wont . People need to make an assessment of the indivdivudal they are with and decide what’s best for them.

  • Nope

    I put this in the category of to a woman, not getting her way = something is wrong/being wronged. When a lot of times not getting your way = the reality of the situation.

  • IllyPhilly

    I’m gonna write me a book pretending to be a man and see how convincing I can be.

    • Miss Anonymous

      I will help co write it!

    • eboneetigress

      and we can make some cash in the process! I’ll gladly be a co-author!

      • IllyPhilly

        LOL

  • Sexual Revolution

    How about this…control your own sexuality. It is up to you what you will and will not give, what you will and will not take, and what you will or will not recieve. Your body is your body and what you decide to do with it is totally up to you, do not base your sexual health and happiness on anything or anybody other than you. The sexual revolution didnt mean reckless sex, it meant that as a woman you determine your own limits, restrictions, ex…be free if thats what you want, be prudish if thats what you want but either way be what you want and you will get respect

  • Treece

    I think that anytime as women (Black or White) we start basing our sexuality on what the other person wants or will think about us, we are headed into dark territory. As the saying goes, “Do you”. If you HONESTLY feel that you want to have sex with a dude after 4 dates or 4 months or 90 days, or whenever AND you aren’t compromising yourself, then that is your decision. To me, commitment is the only way to keep your feelings and self esteem intact in regards to sexual relationships. You can’t go around having sex with every dude you manage a few dates (or one date o_0) with and still feel like its something special when you find a man you’re in love with or marry. Its like having Thanksgiving dinner everyday and then on the fourth Thursday of Nov. looking at the table, shruggin your shoulders like “ain’t nothin new….”

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  • Rose-Tinted Glasses

    I met my boyfriend in February, we had sex by May, and have been talking marriage since June. February 2013 will be 5 years since then (the last 3 years of which I’ve been abroad studying). Point is, marriage doesn’t mean faithfulness, or even respect. We have that without a piece of paper.

    • eboneetigress

      I am SO tired of people saying ‘marriage is just a piece of paper.’ If your commitment is so strong, then GO GET THE PIECE OF PAPER! YOUR MAN SHOULD WANT TO MAKE YOU LEGIT; I.E. AN HONEST WOMAN! He should want to ensure that you are off the market, and profess to the world that the bond with you is worth more to him above all others. Without that “paper” he can just get up an leave when he feels like it and leave you with NOTHING. Where is your respect then? Funny, you call him your ‘boyfriend’ instead of ‘fiancee…’

      • La-Di-Da

        Yes, “just a piece of paper” is one of the corniest phrases people use nowadays. I think it’s a coping mechanism for people who don’t want to admit they’d like to get married, but don’t know if it will happen. So they make believe like its no big deal if they never do. Other terms for this: frontin, saving face, and lying.

        • Ann2333

          Coming from a woman whose 2 exes wanted to marry her, I can tell you no. The reality is many people like me are sick of the marriage obsession with women whom are settling or act like marriage is some kind of personal achievement

      • Ann2323

        Most real men and women realize a piece of paper is not what takes you off the market but your commitment to each other. Titles are simply that and nothing more.

        • eboneetigress

          I’m not talking about cheating or titles. I am talking commitment! Let me emphasize; C O M M I T M E N T! Not personal achievement, or someone looking to step outside the marriage I am speaking of people who equate shacking up as being the equivalent of an actual marriage. This so-called insignificant ‘piece of paper’ gives rights and guarantees when some possible phony verbal contract does not. Again, I say, if he loves you as he says, he would not hesitate to legitimately marry you. Without that ‘piece of paper’ his/her options are still open.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        AMEN! Got my church fan going. Preach it! I say that to everyone who tries to come with that weak logic. If to him marriage is just a piece of paper, then he should have no problems filing them. I mean if they don’t mean anything what’s the big deal of doing it then?

      • Shaun

        just because people get that “piece of paper”, doesn’t mean they take themselves off the market. look at the married people who cheat. yes marriage is a good thing but don’t be fooled into thinking that you have accomplished the ultimate by getting married. you have only accomplished that ultimate something if he/she never cheats on you.

  • Ed Williams

    What do what the number of dates mean, sometimes if you both desire one another and that’s it. Why shouldn’t a women get the right to know what she wants and go after it. I dated a lady years ago and when she put the chain on the door and told me evryone who’s in is in for the night, I almost cried for joy. I say this as a over 60 guy and this happened 30 years ago and I never forgot it.

    • eboneetigress

      That was an entirely different era. We got all kinds of craziness, baby mama drama going on these days. This is a different flavor of kool-aid.

  • me

    no sex before marriage. i am very traditional. i am done

    • calixteliss

      Thank you! And i especially thank you for saying it loud and proud. So damn sick of this “oh ur not having sex? you must be some type of bizzarre creature” mentality.

  • Andrea

    I can’t believe this is an article! Who cares what “black men think.” They obviously could care less about what black women think (especially in Cali).

  • Snow Redbone

    1. I think it depends on the man and how he views the woman in question. 2. This website is called Madame noir, what do you think that translates to in English? I’m not trying to pick a fight with anyone everyone’s opinion is their own, but this works very much still thinks in black and white and most white people do to some degree grow up differently and are taught totally different than black people. For example, if you think your Caucasian boss tells her black and white employees the same things in the same situation then you still have a lot to learn about thus world! And something we also have to teach our kids is how to deal with racism because it will always be in America! But I do agree with you, there are more important issues that this website should tackle, especially since its called Madame Noir!

  • flyguy

    Poeple think if she gave it to you that fast then she wll with anyone but thats wrong..you re not attracted to everyone so everyone want get it. I want my women to be so turn on by me that she can’t wait to give it to me.

    • Briii

      I don’t see anyone being that “turn on” by your uneducated behind. As a past MN article stated “nothing dries the coochie up faster than bad grammar.” Get it together shawty

    • eboneetigress

      you are definitely the type of guy I avoid…

  • kt

    It’s a matter of maturity. I honestly believe that immature men of any race will pull the I-don’t-respect-you-and-I-got-what-I-came-for thing if you have sex with them “too early.” I had sex with my current boyfriend rather early, and it’s been almost two years now of us being together because he has a mature attitude about sex. A prude can be the most awful woman in the world, and a girl that has sex and is more open about it can be the most wonderful. Sex is a part of ourselves, and as long as we keep it safe and disclose all pertinent info to our partners, I don’t see what the big deal is.

    • http://twitter.com/Zabeth8 MEH

      Do you guys have any plans on marriage?

      • kt

        maybe! we’ve talked about it a loooot and i’m the holdout. there’s an age gap between us and i’m still pretty young to even be thinking about it.

      • Rose-Tinted Glasses

        Why does that matter? Why does marriage have to be the end all and be all to all relationships? A piece of paper, a ring on a finger, especially in these days, doesn’t mean that any one relationship is better than the other. I know many people that are/were not married, in common-law or committed relationships, with children that have been together much longer than many “married” people. True, many of them eventually did get married, but I’m yet to see any of them get divorced.

        • lol

          @347716855f10c69a9c24295f36de5363:disqus
          we have a fatherless kids pandemic in the black community and you have the nerve to ask this?

    • calixteliss

      “A prude can be the most awful woman in the world, and a girl that has sex and is more open about it can be the most wonderful.”
      I keep hearing this a lot lately. The heck does it mean? Those of us who decide not to give it up are bitter broads who need sex and those of us who decide to be sexually active are so liberated that they are in a constant good mood? Am i the only one who sees something wrong with this? Or is this simply part of the whole abstinent/virgin-shaming trend we got going on nowadays?

      • JustJes

        I agree! We need to start basing our happiness on ourselves, our own hobbies, our own personal goals, and our achievements. Our overall happiness needs not to be based on whether or not someone else is making us happy. Women of all races need to learn this lesson!

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    Would a Black man take me seriously if I ‘gave it up’ after the fourth date? He wouldn’t have a chance to because I am not attracted to or date Black men.

    • In All Honesty

      My question is, are you attracted to or date Black women?

    • Bishop

      Oh well kick rocks

  • Janay

    You know something. I believe black women are smarter than this. Do not fall for the banana in the tail pipe again. 1 2 3 4 5 dates dam all that. We have heard it here, we heard steve harvey and a million books before. Best advice you can give women? Keep it in your pants period. The same guys telling you to give it up after 4 dates will be telling you 4 months later, “nobody told you to give it up so fast.”. The same guys on here every day saying women need to close their legs. Its not in line with biblical standards. We see the effects of giving it up to these men. A bunch of unappreciative, disrespectful, delusional men telling YOU to close your legs. Its a sad day when me have to tell women that. How about you have sex after 4 minutes of a closing wedding ceremony.

    • Treece

      ^ Co-signin! Do you, and stop thinking about what men want/think about YOUR vagina. Do it when YOU feel it’s the right time and preferably, it should be when you are married!

      • Janay

        Exactly do you. DO not ever ever base your sexual decisions on what men say. Because welp they’re men! Lol and their answers may be biased, or at their convenience, or cloudy, or totally contradicting. HMM much like their answers seem to already be.

    • calixteliss

      ” How about you have sex after 4 minutes of a closing wedding ceremony.” Hahaha best line ever! That has been my motto and i always get the side-eye for it.

    • Nikki

      I know that faithful Hasidic Jews consummate their marriage right before the reception with their parents nearby.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Men really separate women into two categories; those they would consider committing to down the road (is she good enough to take home to my mom?), and those women they just want to sexually play with.

    They pretty much know after the first date which kind you are and adjust their plans accordingly.

    • flyguy

      Wow now you have it right…a man pick and choose who he is going to act right with how soon he get the sex has nothing to do with it

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        A man picks and chooses who he’s going to ‘act right with’ based off of what he perceives you are. Wife material or bootycall material. There is no grey. Frankly if he meets you at the club and the same night you sleeping with him he’s throwing you in the bootycall section of his phone. Women need to get real about that. No matter how cute you think you are or how awesome you think your va jay-jay is MOST times he’s going to regulate you to the late night text when his other plans fall through.

    • Nope

      Exactly. The probably is every woman thinks of HERSELF as being in the wife category.

    • Adrina

      EXACTLY!!!! Your attitude and overall persona is far more important than sex on the 1st, 2nd, and so on date. If you aren’t wife material bc of your attitude, then you could wait 5 years and he still won’t wife you…and that goes for BLACK AND WHITE MEN!

  • Briii

    I have no idea why y’all try to make EVERYTHING about race. No man, black, white, or purple who is looking for something serious wants an easy woman. Trust & believe the white girl in college who slept around w/ the TKEs (white frat) was getting dogged just as bad as the black one who slept w/ all the kappas. A h** is a h***. And I guess you haven’t noticed but black men have been wifing them at an alarming rate. It’s not just the rappers & ballers, regular everyday black men are doing it too. It’s the new trend duhhh. Also, a lot of the time when you see black men w/ white women they’re w/ the trashy ones that the white men didn’t want (exp. Kim K). And lastly, most of these lil fast tail girls now a days aren’t even getting taken on 1 date before they give it up yet alone 4. They get taken straight to the crib so 4 dates would actually be stepping up their game.

  • guest123

    Seriously Madame Noire? This is soooo racist! I thought we were beyond this, if a main stream magazine would publish an article like this but switch the words black with white, we would be out marching in the streets screaming racism. We need to move beyond this.. and any woman who is out counting number of dates before sex with men needs to probably work on her self if she is sooo concerned about how men see or perceive her. You know what would have been a great article instead of this? Why not talk about the Supreme Court cases being heard right now about overturning Afirmative Action, or lead a healthy discussion on how we can educate our children about safe sex and not embracing the baby mama / baby daddy lifestyle, stop wasting your time with articles like this. We have much larger fish to fry in our community.

    • guest

      I agree. Or how about voter suppression attempts in Ohio. There are very serious issues concerning our community right now, and we should be informed on sites like these because many people get their daily news from blogs.

  • TF33

    Yeah I don’t think it really matters also with my ex-husband I met him one week and had sex the next week and it lasted ten years and two children

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      But it didn’t work or you two wouldn’t be divorced. IJS

      • ep

        you have really bad reasoning skills – so i suppose her HUSBAND OF 10 YEARS was sexually playing w/ her for that long

        (wow)

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          In what realm of delusion do you live in where getting a divorce equals a successful relationship? The hell am I in the Twilight Zone.

        • Shine

          I think u r missing the point. I think she is saying if you wait longer than four dates, two weeks etc. you get to know the person for real and can decide whether to enter in a relationship o marriage with a clear head. Once sex is involved we’re going off of lust and emotions, ignoring signs that would tell us this relationship is going to end after @ years or the voice that’s telling you that the marriage isn’t going to work.

      • TF33

        But the point is we got married and it lasted ten years lol

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          *golf claps*

  • KIR12

    The relationship is going to change after sex (maybe better or maybe worst) no matter if it’s the 1st date or the 100th date. No relationship stays the same after sex. Fact

    • IllyPhilly

      Hey, you stole my line! LOL. Plus one.

  • KarenFed

    I met my now ex-husband on a Monday, had sex with him on a Tuesday. It lasted 20 years and 3 children and we are still great friends today. We were young and passionate and even though we are now divorced, we still have sex from time to time. Let me just say that the man has got it in the love making department. As a husband he was a disaster, but as a father and lover he is/was exceptional

    • MLS2698

      Dogs return to their vomit……so what is new about that?

      • sweettea

        Damn that’s harsh 20 years of marriage and three kids is not the same as dog vomit

        • eboneetigress

          But this scenario doesnt work for everyone and the divorce rate and the decline of the black family are the evidence. I wonder had you two really gotten to know each other, would it have lasted longer? I still dont know why people divorce after 20+ years; you might as well stay together and work it out…

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.f.vorhees Jason Fangz Vorhees

    I think it depends on the people. I have an ex that after exchanging emails and texts for a few weeks we finally met and had sex on the first nite together….turned into a 2 year relationship.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Bad example, you two aren’t together anymore. Maybe you wouldn’t have wasted 2 years if you had took the time to really date him and get to know him before your brain became clouded by lust and hormones.

      • kt

        Lol girl please go get laid and then have several seats. You projecting all this uncalled for nastiness on people in this post obviously means you have issues of your own.

        • ep

          ^^^all of this! thank you!

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          I do get laid regularly by my HUSBAND! You should try getting one sometime. LOL. It ain’t nastiness if its true. Talkin about yeah f*cking old dude the same week I met him worked for me, then in the next breath saying but he’s my ex now . . . wtf! Sh*t is just dumb as all get out. If you want to toss the puzzy around to whoever catches it in the hopes that someone will wife you that’s your business.

          • Miss Anonymous

            I dated my ex for 3 years and didnt have sex until we where together for almost two years.

            • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

              Sounds like you meet him straight out of high school. Anyways,if you really took two years to date him before becoming intimate why didn’t you know he had such poor character? If you are honest with yourself you already know the signs were there but you ignored them.

              • Miss Anonymous

                @cheekee baby I wish I was that lucky in high school but no, we meet when I was almost 20. I really didnt know he was like that, I figured he started acting funny because he was going to go to Afghanistan in a month. *shrugs* I figured it was nerves cause I knew of alot of soldiers being on some YOLO type of thing before leaving to war where they might get maimed or even killed.

                • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                  Yes you were a baby. I’m assuming so was he. He did you a favor honestly. Its better to see his true colors at 19, then ten years and two babies later. Thank him and move on.

                  • Miss Anonymous

                    @yourtango-7ef23fd1ad0dc25fcf0f9a0e0da93655:disqus Yes I did, he tried to come back though a few months later, after his “fiance” used him for his money and I saw through his bs (gained some wisdom at 22).I told him off and to make sure he wouldnt bother me again I told him I was having another mans baby.(lol yeah I lied but i made the time and everything right after i dropped him to put a little salt in his wound.)

                    Girl I thanked God I didnt actually marry him and have kids, yall might have been hearing about my family getting locked up for murder. lol

                    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                      LOL. Sometimes by leaving that actually means they care. They know they can’t be good for or to you so they care enough about you to release you to find someone deserving. You know that cliche love someone enough to let them go.

          • Ann2323

            If you think marriage to your best friend is a personal accomplishment you are sad individual. It’s a little bit of luck with meetin the right person for you. You sound like one of those women that make landing a husband an accomplishment. And if you knew anything really about relationships you would realize lust alone is not enough to sustain a 2 yr relationship.

            • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

              A successful and thriving marriage is an accomplishment. Nothing more need be said.

    • sweettea

      Been married 10 years and we got it in on date number 2 ;-)