I’d Rather Purr Than Roar Any Day: Can I Be Both A Feminist And A Submissive Partner?

October 19th, 2012 - By Sheena Bryant

AP

Now that some time has passed, I’ve been able to wrestle with and digest more completely much of the discourse that Lupe Fiasco’s “B***h Bad” sparked this summer.  The song, whose hook repeats “B***h bad, woman good, lady better,” had many a tongue wagging—particularly in the feminist community.  The reality is that not many feminists aspire to be the stereotypical “lady.”  I respect that choice.  Further, I certainly have great respect and appreciation for anyone who vehemently challenges the system of male dominance and advocates for the equality of women.  But here’s the thing, I am unapologetically a lady and while you may choose not to be, a lack of respect regarding my choice to be is kinda not cool.

I am a woman who takes care of herself, thinks for herself, and who looks for a partner rather than a master in men.  I am independent and progressive and very much a lady.  I reject the notion that my pursuit of ladyhood is an attempt to fit into antiquated ideals constructed to make men comfortable. I leave some things to the imagination when I get dressed.  I don’t speak vulgarly.  I cook; I clean; I decorate; I’m demure and unabashedly submissive when a worthy man is involved.  I don’t do these things to make men comfortable—I do them because I like the way they make ME feel.

I feel swexy and empowered and womanly when I walk into a clean home with a soft décor that reflects my personality and a fragrance that excites the nose like perfume that lingers on flesh at the end of a long day.  I get an exhilarating rush when I am in the kitchen experimenting with spices that titillate various areas of the tongue.  While playing with and pairing different textures and tastes I am often caught up in ecstatic fits.  And when there is a man who meets my needs, hears me, sees me, honors me, treats me like an equal and makes me feel safe, I want to cook his meals, rub his bald head, listen to his dreams and make him feel the way he makes me feel every day.  I want to be gentle and not crass, to possess a quiet strength and a soft power; I’d rather purr than roar any day.  These things make me feel the way I love to feel—they make ME comfortable.

To each its own.  You may never want to be a “lady,” and that’s cool…for you.  However, my deliberate actions to be don’t make me a Stepford Wife and don’t advance the agenda of patriarchy, and your rejection and denouncement of ladyhood doesn’t make you any more enlightened than me.  I believe in the equality of women and have a vested interest in the annihilation of systems that seek to keep them subjugated, but at the end of the day how I choose to live out my womanliness is my business.  I respect your choice, now respect mine, especially in the one space where all women should feel safe and accepted.  As women, sometimes we have a way of tearing each other down…even when we aren’t consciously trying to.

We must do better.  Shall we?

Sheena Bryant is a writer and blogger in Chicago.  Follow her on twitter at @song_of_herself.

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  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    ^^^^ she said it, and there it is. . .

  • http://www.facebook.com/kendacalandrahawkins Kenda Hawkins

    I LOVE this article. I totally get what you are saying and I totally agree. I feel that I am equal parts feminist and submissive. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to ask me to chose. I don’t have to. I do not care about anyone else’s definition of the words. I am who I am. Great post, Sheena!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/TrSeeker Treva R Martin-Scott

    The separation of Feminist and Lady by this writer is unfortunate and wrong. The two are not mutually exclusive. Submission is an act, a state of being, if you will. As is Dominance. However for the writer to assume that just because one is a Feminist one is NOT a lady or chooses not to cook or as she states “… leave some things to the imagination when I get dressed. I don’t speak vulgarly. I cook; I clean; I decorate; I’m demure and unabashedly submissive when a worthy man is involved. is a gross misunderstanding on her part. What she perceives as submission and feminism needs to be unlearned first and then retaught. She is doing her sisters – both the submissives and the feminists a great injustice.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tiambooker Tia Booker

    I have to respectfully disagree with this article. I believe that you are mistaking the ideas of First Wave Feminism with Third Wave feminism. TW feminism seeks to be inclusive. So if all of the things you mentioned make you feel good and fulfilled and are done through choice, then there is no issue with them. The issue that mosts feminists have with “lady” is that it in society it has no included women of color. Black women have had to make their own definition because they have historically been excluded from the definition of “lady”. And I agree with the commenter who said that maybe you are doing the same thing to feminists that you say they might do to you. Respecting a significant other within a relationship is not exclusive to the title of “lady”, that should be part and parcel to any relationship. Being submissive in a relationship is also the choice of the individual in a relationship, as long as it is a choice. Choice being, you are not there against your will or because you lack financial/social/emotional means. And on the topic of pregnancy, ultimately all reproductive decisions reside with the pregnant person. Abortion, adoption or parenthood are all viable choices. Also I would really like to know the source of all of the “facts” that were presented, because all they really seem like is a lot of internalized racism and misogyny.

  • L-Boogie

    Um, a woman can be a feminist (and in all honesty I do not like that term) and pro-dick! Thank you.

  • KIR12

    MOST Black women are buffet feminist. They want the s3xual and reproductive rights that feminist have won yet still want to blame the black man for her pregnancy. Example: These black have premarital s3x and then run down to the abortion clinic (if the guy is broke, ugly or she doesn’t like him) but then turn around and blame her OTHER pregnancies/kids on the black man (if the guy is good looking, a baller or she likes him)!!! She wants to fowck who and when she wants, abort the pregnancies she doesn’t want and then blame you (black man) for the pregnancies/kids she keeps!!!! Do you know how stupid you all sound? White feminist would laugh in your face if you got up in front of them and said the reason I’m pregnant is because he didn’t use a condom. :-( What’s even worst is you have educated black women who actually do protect their themselves (their life, body & future) yet still embrace the “He should have used a condom” excuse. This is why White Feminist really don’t respect black women, as a group, nor look at you all as equals and reject your life style.

    This condom claim of black women is nothing more than a really bad excuse for the failings of black women to read or outright reject the fine print of the feminist mantra “Free Love Social Movement”. ie s3x before marriage. The fine print says “must always use female contraceptives”. Everyone knows when emotions and feelings are involved and trust is built the condom is almost always not used as frequently or not at all. The truth is that no nation nor RACE has been able to use condoms exclusively as an effective means of birth control. IT HAS NEVER BEEN DONE. FACT!!! Secondly, all cultures except American black women (post 1960) hold UNMARRIED women responsible for their pregnancy. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but it works!!! Thirdly, the illegitimacy rate for white women with a bachelors degree (ie white feminist) is 4 to 6%. That’s as close to zero as you can get. 80 to 88% of women in western Europe who do not want to get pregnant use female contraceptives. That’s almost 100% coverage. Fourth & Lastly, blacks aren’t having anymore nor less unprotected s3x than whites.

    • KIR12

      The truth also is that “BUFFET” Feminism has destroyed the black community. While white feminist wait until marriage to have kids black women have embraced “The Matriarchal Utopia Big Lie” (I don’t need a man) in the home. In spite of the fact that there is not one black community in this country with a high black illegitimacy rate that is stable, productive and raising and educating the majority of it’s kids to compete academically with kids of other races. NOT ONE! However, from 1910 to 1950 the black illegitimacy rate was between 5 to 24% almost every black kid had a father in the home and black women had a higher marriage rate than white women. THESE ARE FACTS. Look it up. The black community was incredibly stable in spite of racism, jim crow, discrimination and ABJECT poverty (6 to 10 in 2 bedroom apartments and shacks). Black illegitimacy is a recent phenomenon created by black women trying to act like white feminist and white liberal social engineering programs. KNOW YOUR HISTORY!!!!

      • Adrina

        calm down smh…it takes two to tango. black women back then had to stay with husbands who cheated and brought God knows what else back home. So yeah they sought a certain independence. Is it right for these women to have babies and blame men? Of course not, but it takes a man and woman to have unprotected sex.

  • Meyaka

    I am the same way, a feminist at the core, yet I am my husband’s wife. Of course I’m not going to agree with anything he throws my way, as a feminist I believe in working and being independent, but he won’t starve because of it, our house will remain clean and his socks folded. When we have children I will happily reduce my working hours (yeah for careers) and stay at home with the children, to each their own,I’m happy and that’s the ultimate goal of life.

  • Shantay

    Hmmm, maybe its just the way you’re wording this, but it seems to me that you’re making the same judgements on women who choose not to be “ladies” as they are on you. You’re saying that because a woman doesn’t like to cook or clean she’s not a lady. What’s at the other end of that spectrum? If she’s choosing not to be a lady what is she choosing to be? A man? I’m honestly curious. The problem I have with the feminist movement is that their views can sometimes be as restricting as patriarchy

    • @Shantay

      Exactly. I agree with you. She is saying, if you don’t like cooking, then you must not be a lady. If you are not cleaning and taking care of the house, you must not be a lady. Same thinking of if you don’t have children, you are not a woman. A woman/lady is what you have been programmed to do and think, got it. Thanks for taking us way back in 1750′s who ever wrote this article.

  • rzakia

    I loved this article, good job lady!

  • Na Na

    Yes girl! Alot of my friends think Im crazy because I currently am a single mother with a bomb job and my own side business, however if my relationship takes off to marriage I will happily give up my career to support my husband and family. Period. That’s what I want to do, so why do people constantly have an opinion on my course of actions. I don’t call them crazy for turning down wonderful men and complaining that they’re lonely. To each its own.

    • OHHH

      Wait til you get married then before you make any plans of giving up your career. Why did you go to school if all you wanted was to stay at the house and give your career up once you get married? Why did you waste your time, space and money going to college? Women are dumb. Willing to do stuff for men that they will never do for you.

  • TheeMrs.

    Well written sis!

  • me

    when i get married, I want to respect my husband and be a lady but at the same time, love myself enough to say No here and there and to be honest. You can be a good wife and be “submissive” while being bold at the same time.
    it starts with loving yourself and letting him know that, as long as you love him, you are there to walk the journey with him, not be a doormat