Ask A Black Man Follow Up: Brannue From The Marriage Episode Explains Why Men Don’t Benefit From Marriage

46 Comments
October 8, 2012 ‐ By

If there were an episode of our “Ask a Black Man” series that stirred up the most drama, it was our Marriage episode. One of the more controversial comments came from panelist, Brannue. He said that men don’t benefit from marriage. Whoa. Well, we caught up with Brannue so he could clarify his comments a bit more. See what he had to say in the video above.

 

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  • guest

    I have to agree with my Brother. If a man is already living with his girlfriend, she’s doing everything for him that a wife does, plus some, and then she’s willing to have his child out-of-wedlock, he has no reason to marry her. I was on a wedding board once with another Black female who was waiting for her fiance to propose. She mentioned he wanted to her to have his baby – still no engagement mind you – and she didn’t know what to do. Everyone told her “No, no, no, don’t do it.” She didn’t listen. Now she has a 2 year old son and she’s still waiting for him to propose. Unfortunately, she’ll be waiting until the cows come home. He has no reason to marry her. I, on the other hand, have never lived with a man before marriage and I definitely wasn’t getting pregnant outside my marriage. I got married in November because that was the only way my husband was going to get the love and security of a family. Too many men have the love and security of family without having made any commitments to that family. It’s sad but I see a lot of women shoot themselves in the foot and then blame their men for accepting what they willingly gave. I don’t know the answer but I know what worked for me. PS This is my second marriage. My first husband died in an accident. It might seem simple but it’s working for me.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/T7KYQS3D7J37V6GZ6ZEL372ZDM Brant

    This guy was very honest the problem women don’t like to hear the truth. It’s not just black men that feel this way I have white male friends that feel the exact same way. There Is no benefit for a man to marry just a lot of risk. The #1 reason marriage Is in jeopardy Is women won’t listen because they are usually running there mouth telling a man what to think.

  • D. Carter

    I am pretty much tired of the subject all around. I am not perfect and no one is regardless of how much money you have or the degrees you accumulate. Your character matters the most. You are most remembered by how you treat people not whether you are aesthetically pleasing. We all grow up in different environments. I personally came from an environment of survival. My mother was a single parent who went through a lot trying to raise us. So therefore my household was lacking in a lot of things. Now as an adult i have to learn things that other girls learned as a child based on their environments. Cooking,exercising, and being fiscally responsible are learned behaviors and some people were able to learn them based on their environment as a child and others have to teach themselves as an adult. I think what will ruin and continue to ruin the institution of marriage is the fact that we want perfection instead of being willing to give our partner room to grow.

  • davemm

    Growing up seeing my parents fight all the time and getting me involved in there nonsense made me not want to get married at all. Most black women want to be married because they never grew up in a two parent household so they fantasize about having there own family. Listen closely women, marriage is nothing you should rush into it’s takes alot of love, communication and understanding. Dont rush because marriage is suppose to last a life time

  • Saywhaaa….

    Marriage is no longer special because people have taken the value out of marriage. If you could only have sex, children, cooking and family life only in marriage, see how fast those who want those things would get married. But this I guess is the new age so marriage as it was in the past is no longer, hense not “beneficial”…SMH

  • Lovely One

    Brannue’s reasoning for not getting married is that he can have a child and cohabitate (sp?) with a girlfriend.

    It is here, that we as COLLECTIVE black women have contributed to this negative mindset. If more of us women would not freely give ourselves to men that are not invested in us, more men would see the value of marriage. Stop giving away the cow!

    Despite my comments above, Brannue’s reminds me of guys who swear they are giving their girlfriends the world, but what they are giving is really the most basic attempt ever. LOL

    I just hope Brannue grows past this mindset (thinking so little of marriage)…one day. LOL

    • guest

      I agree with him. Apparently a lot of women don’t see their value or want a man at any cost so they shack up, they have kids, they settle. I feel for them. It has to be scary knowing at any moment he can walk out the front door and you’re instantly an ex. No consideration necessary.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ayanna.jeremie Ayanna Jeremie

    wow… men benefit alright.

  • 305MovesLikeDagger

    Marriage is just a piece of paper. My parents have been married 27 years but things are different now. Most women are not worth being married, most have had a football team of guys inside them, make poor choices in men in their prime(19-27). After their value in terms beauty is dropping and they are bored of being played/partying they want to go for a genuine guy. lol also they can;t keep a home like my mom can(work, cook and clean and make sure we were taking care of our education). No thanks, no marriage for me. As a 23 year old black guy with his crap together, I see no marriage for me, I just want to get laid and work towards my own personal success and furthering my education.

    • Adrina

      What kind of woman are you dating who can’t cook or clean? lol I’m from the South so this is something I’ve been brought up to do, but I’m sure those women are out there. But at the same time, if you are looking for someone to be your mother, then you should stay single and live with mommy.

    • guest

      Marriage is a commitment to grow together, to work together, to share your future together. It’s security. At 23, you’re not there yet and that’s fine. As far as the rest of your comments, you’re ignorant. If a woman has slept with an entire continent, as long as you can still fit, it’s not your business. And to think a woman is past her prime at 28, 38, or 48 is also ignorant but I’m chalking that up to your age. Again, you’re 23 and you’re ignorant. As far as a woman working full-time, cooking, taking care of her home, and then seeing to the kids, I feel for your mom. She’s been used and abused 27 years by a man that didn’t do anything for her. She took on her husband’s role and her role and all she has to show for it is an ignorant 23 year old son. Do me a favor? Date outside your race. Save Black women from your ignorance.

  • Diana

    Theo, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life! Sigh. I know we all have a opinions and they should be respected, yada. But what is the point of this? At some point it starts to get detrimental and depressing. There are no benefits to marriage? Really? I mean we can start out with the tax benefits it brings and then stroll over to the idea of wealth and asset building, etc. Maybe I’m in the minority but I’m blessed to have grown up around Black folks. Married Black men (40, 50 years in the game) who were husbands. Fathers. Deacons. Lawyers. Doctors. Carpenters. Hard workers. Men who valued women. Children. And God. These new fangled men right here make me afraid for what’s to come in our community…

    • http://www.facebook.com/brandon.hallme Brandon Hall

      So the financial reasons are why you’d get married…hmmmm? The woman of that time, you speak of, were a different woman than the woman today. You want that type of man but can you be that type of woman? Some woman make horrible choices in the men they choose and put that man’s afflictions on every man. That man, you describe still exist in this world, but women want “danger’, the bad boy because he is exciting, and she can “change” him into more of what she wants. He won’t change and that good man isn’t going to wait for you to wise up. It’s truly a two way street with this issue. And again why would men want to get married?

      • Diana

        Uhhh…the man in the video said there were no benefits to getting married and I listed two very real and tangible benefits – that would benefit the couple on a financial level. I could also point you to studies that say that married men live longer and happier lives, but I thought I’d start out with some indisputable facts such as tax credits and being able to max out your 401k. I said nothing about it being my reason for getting married. But since we want to go there, let’s not play the game. Marriage is not only about love, it’s a business. Other cultures are winning because they understand the importance of asset and wealth building or in simpler terms, two is better than one. As for the rest of your comment, meh. I’ve got no time for gross generalizations and the idea that today’s woman is not yesteryear’s woman. It don’t take nothing for either gender to be respectful, loving, dependable, supportive, and want to build a life with someone. Those are timeless qualities.

        • http://www.facebook.com/brandon.hallme Brandon Hall

          With the divorce rate being more than half, the longer, happier life isn’t that tangible for men. And you are right marriage was original set to be a business arrangement. So, why would a man want to take part in a business arrangement where he is the losing partner in the end. And your initial statement was/IS as much of a gross generalization as you accuse mine of being. Woman use this sight to put down men, but if the mirror is turned around , there is a HUGE problem. These discussions are never one sided, even if you want them to be. Maybe both sides need to listen to each other. And all those thing you named being respectful, loving, dependable, supportive, and wanting to build a life with someone can be done without marriage,

        • Dr. Dubya

          The articles on this site lead me to believe, that those timeless qualities are less important to today’s women than what most of these authors write about. Being on a certain level of economic strength seems to be more important, at least on MN, than respect or love.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brandon.hallme Brandon Hall

    Why don’t people listen? Someone is telling you a truth from their prospective and people jump all over them. Women, why would a man want to get married? Let’s be honest. And please don’t say companionship, because that can happen without marriage. The wedding is about making the woman happy (just watch an episode of Bridezillas :o)), the marriage is about making the woman happy (making her feel secure and comfortable), and the divorce is about making the woman happy ( not about making everyone involved whole and equal upon the split). Why would men want to get married?

    • Adrina

      So basically a man can live and love a woman and never get married? The woman he claims he love, he would never want to establish a marriage in the eyes of God? But he loves her? ok. And woman can feel secure and comfortable without a man. But marriage is a vow taken before God….a man wouldn’t want to do that with the woman he claims, he love…

      • Summer

        Exactly Adrina! It all starts and ends with a false definition/ understanding of what a marriage is. Look to the One who created the institution of marriage if you want to know the value/ meaning of marriage! I was meant to benefit both the man and the woman. (Biblically/ and i know times have changed/ are changing, pretty soon you’ll be able to marry a goat, but i’m saying how it was and how it should be) We have separated marriage from sexual relationships/ child rearing. It wasn’t so in the beginning. All we can do now is see the end result. Babies w/ out fathers, diseases, poverty etc. Marriage is more than “just a piece of paper”. My husband benefits greatly from our marriage, as do I. Our 3 kids have the same mom/dad whom they see everyday and know loves them. It’s not easy, but we love each other and wouldn’t have it any other way. Most importantly, God is pleased!

        • yeppers

          Thank you summer…and I would also ask these men getting on here. WHAT BENEFITS A MAN TO STAY BOO’D UP TO A WOMAN FOR YEARS AND YEARS….AS THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY SUGGESTING….when both parties can then leave at any time…and if you choose to sit up here and have kids with SAID women…they can still hit yo azz with CHILD SUPPPORT….So im trying to figure out. What these ignorant guys are really getting out of not marrying anyone…because u will still pay the piper if you get someone pregnant….wouldnt you rather have a family instead…and yeah i know yall are TRYING to say yall will “stay with the woman” but seriously with no divorce decree or “adultery” and “cheating” rules of marriage…CHILE PLEASE!!!! WHO YALL THINK YALL FOOLIN….Nothin but lazy selfish cowards that are answering these questions like this….because if these were truly KINGS looking to FIND and uplift QUEENS…then they would understand and want that in their lives…..

    • PrioritiesStraight

      My husband got married because he loved me, wanted to create a life with me, and wanted a bond before God that we would always be there for each other, that we would work things out, no matter what. That’s why I married him. Of course we weren’t living together and we definitely weren’t having kids without being married so maybe that changes things. Without marriage we would have just kept dating and been childless.

  • Candacey Doris

    I think this man is trying (but not as articulately as possible) to say that you should be the match to the man of your dreams and get past a man’s(supposedly) natural reasons to not get married. And that the only way a man like him will get married is if the dream comes along and makes marriage so attractive he has to do it. And that’s cool. But people aren’t dreams. And every man and woman has a different ideal too.

    If the women you’re dating can’t cook, clean and don’t now how to act, whose fault is that? Look in the mirror. As for letting a man lead and all that, that’s the same deal, you can’t date loud mouthed hood rats and then go on talking about how all black women are feminist, emasculating, ball busters.

  • Candacey Doris

    No man wants to get married? Really? Don’t speak for all men, there are men that want to get married. And don’t go saying all black women hate black men either. Quite a few black women love black men. I hate sweeping generalizations.

  • Adrina

    I see what you’re saying, but not all black women. And why are these black men getting a divorce? Because they cheated? What do you have to say about divorces where women end up with everything bc the man cheated or just walked out on his family. Men are not innocent so stop it with the tantrum you’re throwing. Are there cases where women are $ hungry? yes. but trust some men just want to be a DICTATOR instead of a leader and when confronted they get upset..so please with this. I know plenty of ppl in an equal marriage. It depends on the couple.

    • R

      No tantrum was thrown and the vast majority of men do not, do not cheat. Stop with this myth. Sometimes 2 people just fall out of love. Why does it has to be anyone’s fault. You see your doing what all women, blame the man. That is such a old tactic, It’s laughable. And another thing most women across the board are money hungry. They just try to justify it when they get called out. It’s always an excuse to the reason why.That’s why most women don’t get taken seriously. Let’s face it most women are just not marriage material in this country. Sad but true. I don’t like to hear my nephew say he doesn’t want to get married. That’s not good, but if he is seeing things as a young boy, just imagine want he thinks already. If as a man I have to always make you feel good, I have to always answer to you, that’s a dictatorship not a relationship. No man would want to live in such conditions. Women don’t want equality, they want everything for and about them. Most do anyway.

      • Adrina

        So if two people fall out of love…why so much hate towards women? Shouldnt it be mutual? Men are not perfect far from it, so please. And men are definitely not what they use to be and thus making them not marriage material. Instead, some rather run behind every skirt, or have no idea what it means to carry household, or can’t get off the breast milk of their mother. And what’s wrong with making your woman feel good especially if she’s doing the same? What is wrong with checking with your woman especially if she’s doing the same? Dude please..someone hurt you and you need to just get over it…as well as get over what your clients are going through. It’s funny how a woman is money hungry when she’s only looking for financial stability. Why marry someone you have to fully take care of because he just don’t want to (not because he got laid off or something)? Say what you want but with that attitude, you have proven that men like you aren’t marriage material. And if your nephew is around an attitude like yours, of course he doesn’t want to get married. You can’t use women in your cases and apply to all women…how ignorant.

        • Dr. Dubya

          Wow both of you with the ad homenum attacks…lets argue the
          issue, “What tangible benefits lay in marriage for men?” What I think he is
          saying is: There are more tangible benefits as a woman than a man in marriage.

          • R

            Excellent, that’s my point. No benefit for men, none.

          • Adrina

            What are the tangible benefits for women? Just curious…now personally I could care less about planning a wedding that’s for show (which is basically what it is). But most women do, so I guess we can include that.

        • R

          LOL, I never said men are perfect, far from it, but you prove my point. When I’m stating my reality of what I know, all of a sudden I’m showing hate towards women, really? You prove just what I keep saying. A man can’t have any opinions. He must say things you want to hear. Another thing why are you running to the “someone must have hurt you” or better yet, you are “bitter”. I can tell you watched a lot of Oprah. If I was poor, marriage would be good because I’m already broke, I can’t get any lower. I might as well get married. At this point for me as a man that is sitting on a little something, there are no benefits. I’m not going into poverty just because I got divorced. That’s why I love independent women. They have their own car, house, money, etc. There is never any reason why she can’t pay her way. No excuses. Marriage has no benefits for men, none.

          • Adrina

            Lol…I hate Oprah…and I have my own house, car, career, money, good credie, no kids, and choice of men…soooo I don’t know where the bitter stuff come in but ooookay. You can say whatever you want. I respect your opinion.But is it disrespect that I have something say back? Of course, you don’t have to say what I want to hear that would defeat the purpose of voicing our opinions which is what we are doing, but I guess you just want to voice yours and I remain silent. So you got it.

            • R

              Good, glad where on the same page. When it comes to family, as a man for a relationship to work I have to the captain of my own ship. I don’t allow mutiny. Every ship has co-captain, helmsman,etc. There are always other pieces that make up the whole. But there is only one captain. Not two. That has to be the man for things to function efficiently. If I’m the one that is supposed to die for my family, make the most sacrifices, I have to be the head. No woman can allow me to be the man, she does not validate me. Man validates himself.

      • Ladybug94

        Your point would have been more understandable if you had better noun/verb agreement.

  • Faith

    That is absolutely untrue. Most men do have women who can’t cook, conservate, or do anything. They date and marry them all the time. I see why men talk out of both sides of their neck! Santana you are incorrect about this one!

    • http://www.facebook.com/nikia.dshiznit Nikia D-Shiznit

      *converse.*

  • WellShoot

    SMH. It’s a crying shame that you only hear black men spouting this nonsense. When do you ever hear White, Asian, Indian, Middle Eastern guys etc.. say it’s not worth it to get married? And we wonder why our community is so screwed up.

    • KIR12

      They’re not dating/considering a black women as their wife either. Sorry, it’s the truth

      • Adrina

        Why? and where are you getting this from? It’s like black men pride themselves on putting down black women. I know plenty of black women who are getting married. It must be a Southern thing because there white women are not the business because they can’t be trusted.

        • KIR12

          I’m just responding to the above comment. Who someone is dating considering marrying is relevant.

      • Yeppers

        Share wih is all please what the color of someone skin has to do with this article entitled “the benefits of getting married” i saw no where in there him question the color of someone’s skin… It amazes me how BLACK PEOPLE.. Having gon thru so much hatred in the past because of the color of their skin, can look down their nose at their own race and not look at the soul and spirit of a person but dismiss them because they are black…. Im beautiful sweetheart and made in gods own image.. And he has ordained who will love all of us for us because he loves us. Seek gods love sweetheart, insecure spirits cause you to cast hate upon others for such superficial reasons.. Pray hunny that’s all I can say.

        • KIR12

          I didn’t say anything about looks! How about loud, obnoxious, angry, unfeminine, aggressive, baby mammas. The only part of looks that I would mention would be overweight.

          • yeppers

            U not talking about LOOKS….yet you chose to address the issue as BLACK WOMEN???…how are you defining the color of our skin as the content and the somehow what defines our personality??? Like I said sweetheart, you have an awful spirit harboring within you to feel like anyone is BAD and not deserving of love because of their skin color. Everyone no matter how they LOOK…weight, height, color, age….are already loved. If not By a man, then the MAN upstairs. Im praying for your release…in the name of GOD…you are better than that. No one should thirst for mans love for superficial reasons like that…looks fade, YOU GET OLD….AND WE WILL ALL BECOME LESS BEAUTIFUL/DESIRABLE AS WE AGE….When you look at love you should be looking at the soul and spirit in that person…that they are pursuing Gods love that lasts. Not fleeting physical love….as is said PRAY! Thats all u can do for now and ask God to speak to your heart.

            • KIR12

              As I said earlier, if a YOUNG black woman is average or above and physically fit someone is chasing her. If you were attractive and physically fit you, YOU wouldn’t be so focussed on insisting that I’m talking about LOOKS! Obviously YOU don’t even even meet that minimum criteria. Sorry hun, young men ain’t going for that looks don’t matter AT ALL sha!t. You might as well also pray to win the lottery.

    • 305MovesLikeDagger

      lol!! you will hear the same thing from white men these days, I am 23 and all the white guys I talk have zero intentions of getting married. Blame American women and their ineptitude for ruining the institution of marriage. Why in the heck would I marry a woman who will let herself go and be a fatty, that can’t cook and will take half my crap if she divorces me. It is not worth it!!

      • Adrina

        Men definitely let themselves go as well lol. Because that potbelly ish you see on dmn near every man is not cute. And women don’t get divorce for nothing, do right and you won’t have to worry about divorce. Men have ruined the institution of marriage because they want to dictate. Women have ruined it because they want to give a man all the husband benefits prior to marriage. It’s everyone’s fault.

    • momabella

      This is one man….. he probably has been in or seen relationships that weren’t so great.