If Life Was Like A Reality TV Show…

November 5, 2012  |  

Remember when you were a child and your imagination seemed to know no bounds.  You could go from playing hide-n-go seek, to playing house, to being a jazzercise teacher in the blink of an eye (wait… no one else wanted to teach jazzercise?… Oh, okay).  But as you got older, reality began to cement you and those things that you originally thought were possible, like jumping from a high altitude with an open umbrella and landing safely, began to seem ludicrous and dangerous.

However, with the ever present feature of reality television it seems as though people have lapsed back into that timely rationale of ‘what I see on TV is completely possible in real life.’  So, let’s play a game, shall we?  Let’s imagine our lives were dictated by the realm of reality television.

If life was like reality television, this is how I would picture it *I wistfully look up while the scene around me dissolves and random violin music plays.  I stop for a second to make sure I’m not having a seizure, then go back to daydreaming.*



You would know who was there to make friends…

Have you ever started a job and you were extremely jazzed because you’re thinking:  “YAY!!  New people to introduce into my friendship repertoire!!”  So you try to engage them in conversation, add them to your social media contacts, and offer to do them favors.  But, every time you extended the hand of hospitality you were brutally rebuffed.

Not anymore!  Because in this fictional life of “Reality” people are so prone to immediately let you know why they’re there, and it’s usually from saying (and sometimes screaming) the line:  “I’m not here to make friends!”  As crazy as that all sounds, it would simplify things for you, wouldn’t it?  You wouldn’t have to worry if this person is possibly trying to get you eliminated from your job or didn’t want to have anything to do with you.  You’d already know.

The luxury of finding out what people really think about you

One of the luxuries afforded to reality show contestants is the use of a confessional and solo interviews.  They’re able to get their personal thoughts of how things are going in their lives and what they really think about you.  They use these avenues with reckless abandon, cutting ties like they were cutting split ends.

The good thing about this is, you would eventually know.  Some people in the real world find out during very unfortunate times, like 15 years after said friendship dissolves, or they’re in the hospital and said friend comes only to ask for money and then immediately leaves afterward.  So, wouldn’t it be nice to know how they really feel after only say… 3 months, instead of 3 years?

You can get your voice heard…

In the reverse of the previous rule, for some people, they might not feel as free to address how they truly feel about people and life.  So you sit there and stew, frustrated that you have all these feelings, but you either can’t get them out, or the person that you’re angry with will never know.

Reality TV to the rescue.  You’ll be able to finally let that person whose been irking you know in your own chosen words that:  “When you’re talking to me, I thank God that you can’t hear my thoughts because I’m calling you all types of idiots in my head.  Just leave me alone for now on.  Thanks!”  I mean, how freeing is that?!

 

No more questionable dating

Have you ever had a crush on a person but felt uncomfortable about making your move because you were afraid of the backlash?  Not in my fictional world!  Because not only would it be acceptable to have said crush, but around 15 to 20 other people would too, validating how you feel.  I mean, why do something on your own?  Aren’t things better when you’re going with the crowd?

 

 


 

Unsolicited exercise

Feeling bored while you hate having to see those last stubborn pounds in the mirror?  Well, with the help of Kendra’s “Reality to Life” program, you can solve both quandaries by participating in ridiculous “challenges.”  You’ll get the entertainment you crave while you’re either running around a field looking for Big Foot, chasing after some bad children, or participating in a brutal sport while you’re scantily clad.  Hey, so what if other people mock you?  They weren’t good enough to be in the program!

The opportunity to have fun!

Tired of those boring dates of dinner and a movie?  Feel like you’re going to puke if you take just one more walk in the park?  This is where reality TV comes to the rescue.   After you participate in the previously mentioned unsolicited exercise you get to go on a date that usually self-serving for the person you just competed for.  You sit smugly thinking about all the people you beat out while your love interest is too busy singing the sweet song of themselves to realize that you mentally checked out.

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Stockholm is cool!

Where else can you go from people attacking you, to you mindlessly chanting:  “That’s my friend!  I have his/her back!”  Reality television seems to do wonders for people, wonders that only mind control and power trips could do years ago.  Ask Patty Hearst!  She had fun with Stockholm, and you can too!

No more need of depth

Tired of those pesky college courses?  Are your eyes getting tired from gathering information from Wikipedia pages?  There’s no need for depth, here!  Didn’t you know?  All you need is to own a few labels and pronounce them incorrectly to be accepted!  But to really be acknowledged as the fantastic person that you are, you must scream the names of multiple designers whenever you’re in an argument, ANY argument!

Example:

You:  “Hi, could I please have the value meal with cheese?”

Cashier:  “I’m sorry ma’am, we are out of cheese.  Would you like-”

Cashier:  “You’re out of cheese?!  CHRISTIAN VUITTON!!  MARC JACOBS!  I DON’T NEED YOUR CHEESE, I GOT RED BOTTOMS!!…  GUCCI!!”

*Shut that cashier DOWN!

The glorification of flawed rationale

You see those shows where people do horrendous things to someone and then the moment the person retaliates it’s completely unfair?  Isn’t that so much fun to be involved in?  If you’re tired of being held accountable for your actions in the pesky real world, come over to “Reality” where you can act a fool and reprimand people for doing the same (and when I mean reprimand I mean to destroy their belongings and self-esteem with a sense of self-righteousness that even Pol Pot would envy).

 

Minimal consequences

So you’re in the club, you are two stepping in your Fucci shoes and some broad steps on your toe!  Now, you want to handle business, but you’ve been warned that if you get into another meaningless fight, it’s jail for you.  Doesn’t that judge know that you’re too fabulous to be in jail!  You’re wearing Prada for goodness sake!  Girl, follow me down the rabbit hole.

In my world, there are only minor consequences.  Depending on the show you’re imagining yourself in, these consequences vary from nothing, to being evicted from a mansion you’re staying at for free anyway.

Never having to be culpable for anything

Speaking on those minimal consequences, it’s horrible just experiencing them period!  I mean, who wants the pressure of having to take responsibility for the things they did that are documented on film?  You have something on your side now.  Everyone knows how much editors like to lie and try to create a story by your actions.  They’re lying!  You never told that woman you would pull her eardrum out through her nose, and you certainly didn’t punch her repeatedly in the face!  They inter-cut a scene of you in kickboxing class, and a conversation you had with a grasshopper to make you look bad!  All you know is, it’s not your fault!

Paid to Just be You

In normal, old boring life, to make a living you need a talent or skill to possess or capitalize on and pay the bills.  I mean, wouldn’t it be great to have someone walk around, filming you and then paying you for it!  No need to learn how to do anything else, you just do you, literally!

 

Elimination of the competition

Reality TV is great that way. Normally you have to wait for someone to voluntarily leave or for the Reaper to have at them, but in “Reality” people are either eliminated per episode, or you jump them and get them to decide to leave on their own.  Either way, you’re eliminating the competition and where else can you do that… without having to experience being sentenced?

The reason for this article?

I wrote this article because there seemed to be too many times now-a-days where people are emulating their favorite reality shows thinking that it’s real life!  Like, what’s wrong with people?  People videotaping themselves while ripping someone off of their front porch?  Girls jumping a mentally challenged woman while recording it and then posting it on Facebook?  People making videos bragging about brands that they don’t have?

I mean, really society?  Is this what we’re on right now?  Exposing our lack of intelligence and depth for a few seconds of fame?  Why are some living vicariously through people who are so lost for direction that they should have a compass stapled on their hands.  I don’t want to sound judgmental, but I expect more from Society.  So maybe, I need to change my expectations, and you, dear reader who thinks that you can treat your life like a reality show, needs to either get a grip on the real world, or try out for a reality show.  Until then, I’m gonna need you to get yourself together!

 

Hit up the real Kendra Koger on twitter @kkoger.

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  • Miss Anonymous

    My life as a reality tv show would be boring, the most drama I would have is “who ate the last biscuit”.

  • KJ23

    Those “I’m not here to make friends” montage had my dying!!!!

  • TRUTH IS

    Reality TV = Moral and intellect decline!! My brain weeps knowing she cannot learn jack squat from watching these ratchet filled shows. I have already shot my T.V.!!

  • Kells

    Life is like a reality tv.. Everyone walking around thinks that they are a star.. I live in Atlanta (for now) and its the craziest thing you will ever see. Chicks wearing $800 shoes and $1200 bags jumping into a Hyundai. Dudes walking around looking like Miss Jay.. Not to mention ppl living in 550k houses that haven’t paid their mortgage in months.. Its hilarious.