How To Make Him Commit: Author of “WTF Are Men Thinking” Sounds Off From The Male Perspective

36 Comments
October 3, 2012 ‐ By madamenoire

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By Christopher Brya

When people want relationship advice, they usually ask one expert – a columnist, counselor, or friend. But why not ask the guys themselves: What makes you commit, and why are you so afraid to just do it already?

We recently asked over 250,000 real men the tough questions on communication, sex, dating, romance and marriage, and collected the answers in the new book WTF Are Men Thinking. And after interviewing a quarter of a million guys, we can finally provide some real insight into how to make him commit.

1) Go with the flow.

What’s the personality trait that guys look for the most? It’s not your sense of humor. Guys told us that, more than anything else, they’re looking for someone who is easygoing and spontaneous. 58% of them said it was the most important quality that they needed in a long-term partner.

Think of fun and spontaneous ways to surprise your man – whether it’s buying a bottle of champagne “just because” or taking a quick getaway. And stay away from the ultimatums! Nothing says “I can’t go with the flow” than giving your guy a list of demands.

2) Show him who you really are.

Why are so many guys scared of commitment? Simple: They still feel like they know you well enough. Men told us that the #1 reason they fear commitment is that worry they won’t pick the right woman. They take so long because they really want to get to know you, to the degree that they need to make a promise for the long haul.

To show him that you’re ready to be “the one,” be open and honest, while keeping a positive attitude and being supportive. Above all, be consistent about who you are. If you try to be something you’re not, your true colors will eventually show. And big mood swings are a surefire way to make him head to the door – the men told us that a personality change is the biggest sign that the relationship is over.

3) Let him take the wheel.

While the overwhelming majority of men told us that they like when the woman takes the lead in the bedroom (95% of guys said it’s Hot when a girl makes the first move), they still need to feel like they are in the driver’s seat when it comes to the bigger relationship issues. Men want to feel in control, and that includes when they take relationships to the next level. When we asked what drives them away, the men said that their biggest turn-off is a girl who is too controlling.

Men want commitment on their timeline, not yours. This can be exasperating for some women, because the timelines and relationship trajectories they have in mind might be completely different than those of their guys. But one thing men almost universally agree upon is that pressuring them will almost always do the opposite from what women intend. Give him the room (and time) to make the judgment on his own that you are really are the one for him.

Christopher Brya is the co-author, with Miguel Almaraz, of WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. He is the founder of Solavista Research and has worked for 20 years in marketing research and user experience research for brands like Revlon and Motorola. He’s one of those guys who buy wine based solely on the design of the label. He lives in Phoenix with his wife and two toddlers. 

 

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  • get real

    Ladies men marry women that they feel are marriage material. Trust me on that.

  • http://twitter.com/macamerica83 Nya Jacobsen

    Seriously, this is all you gotta do? Soooo how did all these other women get married??????

    • Miss Anonymous

      lol Can we get a explanation how the girls with multiple baby fathers, who dont cook nor clean, and dont work a job and just stay at home with the baby (who their niece watch) got a man to commit and marry them?

  • me

    its eaither a man loves or or he doesnt. nothing can make him love you. stop trying. nothing you do will make a man love u. stop forcing it. is either he loves u or he doesnt. dont force him. shame on the writer

    • CarlaKah

      The writer doesn’t say that you have to force anything. It simply says to give the guy space. I say be single until you are in a committed relationship with someone who is ready, willing and able to be commited + compatible.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Amen!

  • Me

    All l can say is this: when a man wants a woman, shes the woman he wants! Theres nothing she can do that will drive him away. No games, no fobias, no bs, no nonsense. He will even dishonor his mother for her! But when a man doesnt want a woman, he doesnt want her period and theres nothing she can do to make him hers, make him love her and to commit to her. And any reason is a good reason not to make her his girlfriend.

    • Me

      phobias

    • Miss Anonymous

      You know your gonna make some people mad with that comment right? lol Your gonna make the people who write books on “how to make him marry you” and how to be wife material lose a couple of dollars from playing on some women’s insecurities about having the man they love marry them. I wish I could highlight your first sentence for more emphasis!

      • Me

        I’m gonna let all girls and women know on a little secret about relationships: if you have to try to understand your relationship, if you need books,games, tricks etc because you dont know where its going or where you stand with him….. U ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP! Period!

        • Wow

          My husband knew he was going to marry me before I did. Many married women I knows say the same. When a man finds a woman that he wants to be with it doesn’t take much strategy, “how to guides”, or interviews on what women are and arent doing right to get a man with men who are still out there chasing, to get a commitment. If it takes this much effort to get a man to give you even a hint that he wants to be with you then you already know the answer to whether he is the one for you. Probably not.

          • CarlaKah

            You grow and you learn. We, women, need to support using our brain when it comes to men. It is not easy but oh so simple: If he wants you to be the woman of his life, he will fight for you. Most men don’t come across women they want to truly have a life with that often. So if you are it, he will put in work.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            This is so true. I keep telling my single friends this. There are two types of men. Those who want to commit and those who don’t want to commit to YOU! They try to talk circles around the truth yet year after year they remain unhappily single. Half the battle of dating/relationships is actually getting with someone who wants to be with you! Stop thinking that you have a magic va jay-jay that is going to change a man’s mind.

    • Alexa

      If you don’t preach! Lol all of these “how to” articles regarding relationships and men are making my head hurt lol I totally agree with your sentiments. I truly believe that if a man loves and wants you there’s nothing you have to do to make him want to commit!

    • Wow

      Nothing but the truth!!!!!

    • CarlaKah

      Exactly.

  • Yay!

    Wow, what a waste of article space! The new-old adages remain true, ladies. Find yourself, nourish yourself, love yourself and everything, including men, will find its place. This article almost implies that you have to pander to a man’s whimsical needs in order to “maybe” be worthy of commitment is foolish. There’d be billions more heauxs running around if we all tried following this nonsense.

    • CarlaKah

      I disagree. No where does it say that you must commit to a man who is wondering if he will commit to you. You can date and see. Whatever happened to being single until you are taken? My goodness….

  • TRUTH IS

    BS list okay!!

  • DeeDee

    I have a problem with this list… So basically just play along and let him figure out if he wants to commit later on down the line after being all of what he wants you to be? And being on his timeline. Granted you can’t make a man do anything you want them to do but waiting for a man to pop the question can take yeeeeeeeeeeears.

    • daphne

      no, i think the prerequisite to all this advice is OUR decision making ability. Patience and the ability to distinguish between character flaws and faults will make this much tolerable.

    • TRUTH IS

      A freaking MEN….men have commitment phobias and wanna sow their oats forever….its too convoluted..grown @$$ men act like toodlers..FOH

    • Miss Anonymous

      Yes basically, I give you a round of applause. My ex of almost 9 years finally decided to let me know he wanted to marry me. He has : cheated multiple times even when I gave him a second chance, disrespected me, has a felony charge now, doing nothing with his life and now realizes what a good woman I was to him. I broke up with him over 2 and 8 years ago.

      I will let a man go along with his timeline of what he want to do and if he would like to commit to me, but I wont guarantee that i will be around when he figures it out. So he can take his time if he must but if another sees what he doesnt and snatches it up for himself, he is SOL.

      • CarlaKah

        Wait you stayed after he cheated multiple times? Those betrayals were red flags though…

        • Miss Anonymous

          Nope I left. We started out when I was like 15 and then I moved across the country to Pailin land. I came back and decided since we are older now lets try to work it out and while working it out he decides to sleep with one of his friends citing the claims that “you didnt come see me (I went to visit my family and baby sister who was having problems everyday because she was use to me being there since the day she was born)” and my favorite” well I atleast told you I did it so it isnt that bad.” So my happy behind chucked the dueces at him.

          • CarlaKah

            ohh. Because “He has : cheated multiple times even when I gave him a second chance” sounded like you took him back AFTER he cheated multiple times. Either way you walked away without kids!

    • ange

      I don’t think he’s saying you have to wait for years. If you use common sense though… if you’ve been dating for years without a proposal clearly he’s not the one.If it’s been over a year and there’s no mention of a life together in the future its safe to say he’s not planning one with you. I think he’s saying you dont need to force it on him. If he hasn’t shown it to you, he’s not about it so move on to someone else!

      • CarlaKah

        I totally agree. I finally am honest to men about this. I tell them that commitment is a two way street and in now way am I forcing anyone in any way to do it.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Yes and it would be hella of a lot easier to discern from those who want to commit to those who are just holding a spot, by NOT moving in/shacking up with a man and popping out his kids. Don’t play house with a man who isn’t your husband and you won’t have to worry about 3, 4 , 5, 10 years passing with no ring in sight.

        • Miss Anonymous

          Even with that it can be a 50/50 chance. I had one to say he wants a life with me and the whole nine. I didnt shack up nor pop out any kids for him. At the end he just wanted a gf and was using me as a placeholder until he got back home with his exgf who he was engaged to (but she used him like he did me but took his war money too). I didnt see it coming as I had a open line of communication with his family. smh Nowadays the man’s family can be in on his sorry ways too.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            Yes. But you acted properly. Although he told you he wanted marriage yadda, yadda, yadda, you did not take that as the go ahead to play house with him. You allowed his actions to be the ultimate decider. You did good. Let his ex have his butt it won’t work in the long run. Eventually the real deal is going to come to a head. But for too many women they jump the gun and don’t allow his true colors to shine through until after they’ve allowed themselves to get into a financial or child situation. Know what I mean?

          • CarlaKah

            true, but now you know how to recognize a man like that. The signs are clear now

            • Miss Anonymous

              Yep I do now. What killed it was me and him was together for 3 years 4,000 miles from both our hometowns (his ex was still in his hometown). He didn’t even slip up once until he was about to go to Afghanistan for 18 months. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser this time around I only give a guy 1 year to figure out if Im the one for him and if he would like to commit to me. If he doesn’t then I will say “So long and thanks for all the fish” while leaving. Im dating for marriage and not for a long term sex partner.

              Ps this one here is a different ex from the other one above.

    • CarlaKah

      Sorry DeeDee but look at : “2) Show him who you really are.”. If you want a commitment, you need to be with a man who wants that. Many women play along with the guy wanting to “figure things out” while secretly yearning for that ring. There are men that are there already. If that is what you want show him that and stand your ground.

      1) Go with the flow.Once he is THAT man you can do that.3) Let him take the wheel.If he isn’t a FOOL but a GOOD man why not?
      I feel that it is important to NOT commit to a man until he is willing and yearning for that commitment. Until then you are free to date anyone. Once you COMMIT these 3 apply. Ladies let’s keep advising eachother to not commit to the possibility of his future commitment, but commit to him BECAUSE you are BOTH ready, willing and able to do so.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Yeah rereading the article it kind of says just be chill and let him decide when and if he wants to marry you. I think what the message should be is to be true to yourself and what you want and let him know that up front. If you guys aren’t on the same page then get the hell on.