By Christopher Brya
When people want relationship advice, they usually ask one expert – a columnist, counselor, or friend. But why not ask the guys themselves: What makes you commit, and why are you so afraid to just do it already?
We recently asked over 250,000 real men the tough questions on communication, sex, dating, romance and marriage, and collected the answers in the new book WTF Are Men Thinking. And after interviewing a quarter of a million guys, we can finally provide some real insight into how to make him commit.
1) Go with the flow.
What’s the personality trait that guys look for the most? It’s not your sense of humor. Guys told us that, more than anything else, they’re looking for someone who is easygoing and spontaneous. 58% of them said it was the most important quality that they needed in a long-term partner.
Think of fun and spontaneous ways to surprise your man – whether it’s buying a bottle of champagne “just because” or taking a quick getaway. And stay away from the ultimatums! Nothing says “I can’t go with the flow” than giving your guy a list of demands.
2) Show him who you really are.
Why are so many guys scared of commitment? Simple: They still feel like they know you well enough. Men told us that the #1 reason they fear commitment is that worry they won’t pick the right woman. They take so long because they really want to get to know you, to the degree that they need to make a promise for the long haul.
To show him that you’re ready to be “the one,” be open and honest, while keeping a positive attitude and being supportive. Above all, be consistent about who you are. If you try to be something you’re not, your true colors will eventually show. And big mood swings are a surefire way to make him head to the door – the men told us that a personality change is the biggest sign that the relationship is over.
3) Let him take the wheel.
While the overwhelming majority of men told us that they like when the woman takes the lead in the bedroom (95% of guys said it’s Hot when a girl makes the first move), they still need to feel like they are in the driver’s seat when it comes to the bigger relationship issues. Men want to feel in control, and that includes when they take relationships to the next level. When we asked what drives them away, the men said that their biggest turn-off is a girl who is too controlling.
Men want commitment on their timeline, not yours. This can be exasperating for some women, because the timelines and relationship trajectories they have in mind might be completely different than those of their guys. But one thing men almost universally agree upon is that pressuring them will almost always do the opposite from what women intend. Give him the room (and time) to make the judgment on his own that you are really are the one for him.
Christopher Brya is the co-author, with Miguel Almaraz, of WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. He is the founder of Solavista Research and has worked for 20 years in marketing research and user experience research for brands like Revlon and Motorola. He’s one of those guys who buy wine based solely on the design of the label. He lives in Phoenix with his wife and two toddlers.
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