Why Keeping Your Child From Their Father Because Of Anger Is Not The Best Revenge–It’s Petty

76 comments
September 27, 2012 ‐ By madamenoire

By Nikki Coco

WENN


The narrative is all too common: woman and man meet, they share an intimate connection, which may or may not lead to marriage or a long-term relationship, woman becomes pregnant, a beautiful child is conceived and later – birthed. Alas, the relationship does not stand the test of time, as the fairytale would otherwise have us believe. Things happen.

What is perplexing, however, is the tendency for women to use their children as ammunition, as part of an intricate ploy to somehow strike back at their ex-partner. This retaliation is often due to any wrongdoing [ongoing or not] that may have been committed by the man in question – be that adultery, stealing, lying, etc. Ridiculous, I know – yet all too real. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter what the man may have done – provided that it is not something that puts his child in direct danger – if his sp*erm went into assisting with producing the child’s life, he should have the right to access the child at his leisure. Like it or not, that child is as much his as it is the woman’s and in spite of one’s seething anger toward him, which we hope will one day subside because we all know that “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” it’s just never okay for a woman to use a child against a man or vice versa, though the latter is rare.

The issue rather, is that many women are at an unfair advantage because well…they are women. According to the 2009 U.S Census Bureau Statistics on custodial mothers and fathers, only about 1 in 6 custodial parents were fathers (17.8 percent). And of course that should be attributed to the system of patriarchy that has ascribed women the role of nurturer and caregiver. But who is speaking out on behalf of the fathers out there who are actively seeking to be a part of their children’s lives but, unfortunately, are having their attempts met with resistance when confronted with an ex in a court of law, all because of a relationship gone awry?

It is simply unfair to a man who has everything working against him, especially when we have the stereotype (and reality) that men are less present in the raising of their children, something that is being talked about very much in the media, as well as through anecdotal points of reference. However, fathers who genuinely seek to be present in their children’s lives shouldn’t be overlooked because of a few bad apples. While it is true that often when separation or divorce ensues, a man is more likely than a women to shirk the responsibility, we still cannot allow for those scenarios to take precedence over the few, if only – who are genuinely interested in the well-being of their children but are repeatedly shut out.

If we look at the reverse-case scenario, we know that women are more likely to win sole custody by virtue of the fact that they are women.

According to the Custody Place:

Even in the modern world, there are more stay at home moms than stay at home dads so, that accounts for some of the advantage. Status as a “primary caregiver” does get favorable treatment. Even in the modern world, women more commonly work on a schedule that is conducive to parenting; eg. getting home and picking the kids up before dinner. Men work longer hours outside the home on average and that accounts for a great deal of the disparity between fathers and mothers winning custody.

There are also certain occupations which lend themselves to custody. These are occupations where the parent works only while the children are at school or sleeping. For example, some nurses often work from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. three days of the week. Teachers are at work while the children are at school and off work when they are not. Those occupations traditionally employ a greater percentage of women than men. Once again, accounting for some of the disproportions.

So, even if we objectively view the roles of men and women as shifting, they simply are not moving a fast enough pace to ensure that fathers have enough access to their children because the dominant narrative has not changed. Now, I have a problem with adhering to the status quo – always have, always will. Let’s trouble the idea of women being at an unfair advantage in custody proceedings, because as stated, it comes as a result of a system of patriarchy. And so since the role of women has changed in the sense that they have entered the workforce in droves, are becoming increasingly educated and are no longer being confined to the bounds of motherhood, the home, or the full-time role of cook, cleaner and laundry-doer, [and please note that I’m not one to say that there’s anything inherently wrong with doing any of the aforementioned, so long as it is a woman’s choice to do so] – some are still clinging on to the notion that women should be the primary decision-makers in the lives of their children.

Contrarily, the roles and views of men have equally shifted, albeit not at the same pace, wherein men are slowly beginning to realize their worth as fathers by increasingly accepting parental leave after the birth of a child and actively seeking joint and/or shared custody in divorce proceedings and rightfully so. Nowhere should it ever have been written that women are the sole proprietors of motherhood. Somewhere along this collective journey of re-writing the narrative of parenting, more and more of us need to question the tactics that are being used to keep children away from their fathers (and the advantages that allow this to happen), along with re-writing the parenting handbook as we venture along, so as to make the experience more inviting for all parties involved, with the children’s interests taking top priority – of course.

Nikki is a Toronto-based writer, whose musings cover a wide range of topics incuding but, not limited to: politics, love, education and cultural criticism. You can follow her on Twitter @artculturemusic.

*Opening image courtesy of Shutterstock.

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  • Bernn Ward

    Do not believe your own hype!!! The primary caregiver not only has control over the situation, he/she has the responsibily to FOSTER a relationship between the child and the non-custodial parent! By the time the child is old enough to reach out on their own, they are most likely SCREWED UP!! And their aint no donors without a WILLING recipient! QUIT BEING A FOOL!!!

  • Bernn Ward

    And just remember, when you want to trace how society is taking a downturn (especially as it pertains to males), you have to look at who is raising them: WOMEN! Whenever I hear the lament of how “there are no good men out here (from women, of course),” I always ponder why. Well, most men were probably raised in single-parent housholds (in which women were the single parent), or women were the most dominant figure in their lives. Who is raising these males to become “men,” women? This is a brilliant form of social engeneering designed to destroy society.

  • Brandess Sorrels

    …. Except when the absent father who lies cheats and steals from you comes over and tries to break your neck, in public, punching you repeatedly… Then evades police contact for four months, steals things he’s given the children out of your garage and stands up his other two children from other mothers, never assisting them financially or supporting them in any way, seeing only one of them six times this year and the other not in six years…. Right? Then it is ok to ‘keep’ my children from him yes?!?! The police and child protective also said I HAVE to get a restraining order.. So I’m pretty much 100% sure my child’s DONOR did not post this to excuse himself from the results of HIS ACTIONS?!! God I pray for a miracle some selfishness is too much.

  • The Truth

    No, your wrong, most moms do not put in the effort. I am a victim of a legal child abduction.

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  • HS

    My ex wrote fake checks to pretend that he paid child support, and for about 3 years, only paid a month or two. I took him to court, he had a lawyer and I represented myself, so I lost. I did let them see him during summers, and he demanded that I pay HIM child support during that time! His problem was drugs, and he let the young teens run wild. He even tried to get my daughter to take the blame for drugs in his possession because she was “a juvenile, so she won’t get into as much trouble”. Eventually, my son came to my city to go to college and saw the light, and my daughter called me in the middle of the night one summer to sake me to come get her. I regret ever allowing this, even though “shared custody” was a court order. Now that they are both adults, my kids want nothing to do with him. And since they no longer can be used as a weapon against me, their dad wants nothing to do with them either. At least they both learned from it. Blood doesn’t mean family. Love means family. In absence of love, dads (or moms for that matter) should have no legal rights. And I love my kids to death!! And grateful that he will most likely never have an influence over the grandchildren. He doesn’t care anyway.

  • titorite

    I too am a victim. Me and my son both. Using a child to get revenge is child abuse. It is never justified. Parents that use their children as tools to hurt the other parent should seek pyschiatric help.

  • Giada

    When the Fathers get to carry the babies and go through the labor pains and then be up at all hours of the day and night with a newborn, then the baby and later the child will be half his.. My sons Father molested teenage girls, should I forgive and forget that? Sometimes it is better for a child to have no Father, at all…

    • Uhhh

      Then why did you have a kid with a child molester?

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  • Protective parent

    When you spend every hour and dime devoted to your child and dad rages and fights with you in front of your child is that what is best for your child? Meanwhile dad doesn’t pay court ordered child support.

  • Protective parent

    Perhaps you should read The Custody Wars and Mothers on Trial to understand that in court, mothers due not have the advantage because of patriarchy and judges and lawyers are still primarily men. You fail to understand attachment development of a child under 6 as well as protective parents who do want what is best for the kids. Kids have no rights or representation in court. So what is best for the child is often overlooked bc the law favors parental rights. Even abusive parents have rights. So don’t assume mothers are angry and keeping their child from dads. Perhaps what is best is for them is to have a primary caretaker for stability and sAfety and healthy development. Domestic violence and angry fathers are not given consideration in your article. If a mother fails to protect her child she is as bad as the abuser. But if she tries to protect her child she is also damned. Where and when do kids have a voice? Or do they have to go with a parent that wants them to avoid child support. Your focus is narrow and short sited and naive.

    • pmonahan13

      Mothers are given custodial rights in 86% of all custody cases. EIGHTY SIX percent. The statistical probability of this being because in all cases the mother’s primary custody was clearly the best situation for a child to be in, and not 50/50 or the father’s custody, is such a large number that it equal impossibility. You are the very essence of the type of personality disorder that this article is talking about. You refuse to believe ALL of the peer reviewed research of the last twenty years that says JOINT CUSTODY is in the best interest of children. That any situation that does not involve an immediate danger to the child should end in joint custody. You refuse to believe the FACTS, EVIDENCE and RESEARCH. You only believe what you want to believe. Just because you rename your wants and needs with the “rights of children” does not make it so. Have you ever had a psychiatric evaluation? I am guessing no. It is clear that you have learned all you will ever learn in life. That you will only go on believing what you already believe. This type of personality raising a child is what leads to children growing up mentally Unhealthy.
      It is really very sad. However, it is also the largest reason for custody issues. Women who take children away from their fathers. Either for monetary gain or because they think they are entitled. It leads to nothing but mostly bad outcomes for the children. Higher rates of teen pregnancy, drug use, suicide and on and on. These are facts. You are not a protective parent. You are a mentally unhealthy person..

  • michael bernhart

    To me I’m a father of an 8 month old daughter,I was the first parent to touch her and hold her, it was beautiful. Things were going asOK as they could given her mothers hormonal adjustment post birth. Then one day she told me she was confused and wanted to be single until she figured things out, to which I understood and gave her that space. I ended up going to a trucking school to be able to support my daughter and get her what she wants and needs. Without worrying if I can afford it. Yes I do hate not being able to see her, and it was in my decision making process before I left. Ultimately though I was willing to make that personal sacrifice while she was still young and I got my experience to get a home every night trucking job. I came back this 2013 dec before Christmas, and she was just spiteful towards me. I wasn’t allowed to hold or even touch my daughter. And if I was able to, iI would have broken down into tears. I’m at a loss as to what I did wrong, she knew my plans, I left on good terms. She blocked me on social media, changed her number, only contact with my daughter is through her grandmother, even then I get hate texts, or messages via phone/social media about how I don’t give x amount of s**t about her. Or iI will need never be in her life, granted this iisn’t a usual,case! She hasn’t called me a deadbeat she just doesn’t want me in our daughters life, I’m hurt yes by how she’s angry and how she is treating me, I’ll admit that. But it pales in comparison on how its hurts and saddens me the long last effect this will have on our daughter.

  • rj

    i think you people are all falling for the same doo doo. when a man has seen his kids being born and has been there all of the time there is no way anyone, let alone the mother, should keep him from being there for his child. I think that some mothers use the child as a way to get back at the man for what ever reason they broke up. sometimes relationships dont work out and thats the bottom line but making the child pay for it isnt the way to go.

  • BeenThereDoneThat

    Women who keep their children from the father (unless there is threat of harm to the children – physically, mentally or emotionally) are angry, bitter creatures in need of counseling and probably medication. Who does that – keeps the children as emotional hostages? I’ll tell ya who – my own damn, angry, crazy mama. I can still see who all that mess has screwed all us siblings up and there’s my mama, just as crazy and vindictive as day one, trying to pit family against family like a game of Battleship.

    So to everyone. male and female out there dealing with custody issues – if the other person won’t come to the table and co-parent – get court orders and have them enforced. Get an order in place and if the other party won’t comply, file contempt complaints. Keep receipts, record all conversations, keep all text and email messages. While jail may not happen, the court will impose sanctions $$$, can suspend licenses (and not just for dead beat daddies, vindictive mamas, too).

    And anyone – who goes into anything so challenging as parenthood with the thought that you will always have that someone else to help pay and pick up the pieces is a FOOL. For the baby mamas out there that are gonna moan and piss about my comment – if you couldn’t PAY for raising a child on your own, why would you ever have one? You sure as hell wouldn’t take on a car note you couldn’t afford on your own – oh wait, maybe YOU would – waiting for that Captain Save-a-hoe to kick in ducketts.

    Good luck with that

  • Anna Henderson

    I really disagree with that sometimes the dad’s can move on in their lives,it’s not about taking care of the child or children, imjs!!!!!!

  • Pam

    Why is it that these “men defending” articles are almost always written by women. WTF??
    Wish we could get some men to write some articles that defend women. Will not happen in this society!! Is it that these females have been brainwashed and not supportive of their gender, or is it that the boss has them to write the articles? I just don’t get it.

  • We Know Whatz Up

    You failed the assignment. If you haven’t given birth as of today; thank you! I’d hate for my superior seeds to have to suffer sitting in a schoolroom with offspring sprouted from such a dumb @$$ female!

    • Meyaka

      Lmao! Your offspring will be a bitter bastard like you, looking for its father and cursing people out online with a bunch of word copied and paste from google, my child will be the judge sentencing your delinquent to life in prison. F- off

      • B–ch Please

        My eldest was just skipped a grade. Their younger sibling is being assessed to possibly to the same. They ain’t looking for their father. He’s in Heaven, waiting and watching over all 3 of us. I’m a widow….so take it up with JESUS as to why mine don’t see their daddy, you ignorant trick! Don’t hate that I articulate. With a first name like yours, I’m not shocked that you are unable to fathom that some of Us DO articulate and enunciate the English Language better than you and your simple mamma.

        • Meyaka

          Oh shut up, I don’t care about your life, you had no right to belittle me, when I was being more than considerate about the whole situation, I said nothing wrong, but you’re insecure behind had to cuss me out, and drag children into it, and now you say you’re a widow ? (Insert you screen name). Gtfo my face .

        • Meyaka

          And you know Jesus? Did he direct you to try and get smart with me online? Imbecile, with a nick name like mine? I speak write and read 5 languages , what you got ? Shut the heck up with all that bs

  • DaddiesBeShadyandBlaminTheLady

    I didn’t even bother reading this “farticle”. My fried fish sandwich didn’t deserve the interruption. I know the ‘author’ of this article has GOT to be either 1. a man 2. a foolish female who’s siding with her man because he `done won her over to ‘his side’ of the matter.

    It don’t matter, and this is why in two words: Family Attorney. For all these “smaddies” (Sorry Excuses of Baby Daddies) scapegoating their exes for their inexcusable lack of time and/or/PROBABLY(!) money spent on their offspring, I’m glad to not have the ability to pimp-slap each a one of y’all with a wet leather glove; or I surely would.

    Although the Court system is known to typically be inclined in favor of the Maternal parent; any decent (no active warrants/extreme felony convictions allowed!) fella who petitions for joint custody stands a chance of seeing things his way. It always helps to be able to present to the presiding Judge that [the father] is REGULARLY providing money for this child he says he wants to see.

  • L-Boogie

    Trifling. I do not like parents who do this to their children.

    • L-Boogie

      Another reason to stay single.

  • MsMotherSister

    With the exception of the moms who have extreme circumstances (drug abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, phyical danger, etc), I really have no patience for the women who spitefully keep their kids away from their parent. If they were good enough to lay down with then they should be good enough to see their own child. If he wasn’t trying to be involved then it would be a whole conversation about him not being ish. If there are no extenuating circumstances keeping your kid and their father apart then every effort needs to be made on the part of both parties to have that father-child relationship.

  • Nope

    Nice article, and a largely untold perspective. A LOT of fathers are literally ran off because their child’s mother can’t separate her feelings from the the child(s). And it doesn’t help that the courts and most mothers think they are the most important parent.

  • Nope

    Nice article, and a largely untold perspective. A LOT of fathers are literally ran off because their child’s mother can’t separate her feelings from the the child(s). And it doesn’t help that the courts and most mothers think they are the most important parent.

    • Time Helps It All Make Sense

      A lot of fathers chose to abandon their parental obligations and scapegoat their baby’s mother as the reason. Any decent dad that wants his parental rights to be actively in play will leave no stone unturned until such is reality. Regardless of the occasional scenario where the mom is on some “keep a ^!66a baby” bull. It’s often the FATHERS who ‘can’t separate’ stuff. They just won’t admit it. Mine did. Has he changed for the better. C’mon now. But at least he admitted that as the actual reason why our 9 year old barely knows him. He even upped the ante and married the chick he left us for. To feel like he’s ‘in control’ (`best a broke GiED brotha who’s less than 5 & 1/2 feet tall can feel!); he’s even deluded his “trife” [wife] into thinkin I still want him. I have offered to tell her verbally or in song that nothing could be further from the truth! Oh well. My blessings are secured regardless, because God knows I meant well when I opted to give the gift of Life instead of giving Margaret Sanger’s folks @ Planned Parenthood money to kill our baby.

  • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

    Preach! My BF is going through this. The crazy thing is, his daughter’s mother has the biggest mouth ever. She tells everyone, including his family, that he is a bad father…that he gives her no money, that he’s immature and shirking his responsibilities. However the truth is a whole different story. He pays 60% of his pay in child support, but she isn’t entitled to it because she is on welfare. She has another child that is special needs and is NOT by BF, but that father is a criminal, so she feels my BF should help out with that child too since he was in her life for the first 2 years (sorry chica, he has no obligation to that child….it’s your fault that you didn’t work to establish a relationship with her father). Additionally my BF has called countless times asking if he can have his daughter for a week, weekend, etc. Her response is always “Well, we need to talk first”. He’ll meet her, or talk to her on the phone. She’s always begging for him to come back. After listening to her pleas for forgiveness, my BF says “No. Our relationship is over. Can I have my daughter?”. Then she flips out! Then tells his parents that it is his fault why he doesn’t have a relationship with his daughter! It’s maddening! Unfortunately he can’t even go for formal custody right now because with working part-time and being in college, there’s no cash left for attorney’s fees. It’s so frustrating….I don’t see how mothers can do this to their children (my Mother didn’t do that with me….I could see my Dad whenever when I was growing up….it was great!)

    • Where Do You Get Off?

      He’s playing you BOTH. If he really wanted the assistance of a Family Attorney; every District court has services available for income-based applicants. Or he could take advantage of the FREE Consultations available, and take (literal) notes on the allowances of Family Law for whatever city and state y’all live in. “We Need To Talk” means “Give Me Some #ick”, boo-boo. They’re playing a (pathetic but well-known) Game. He seduces her with promises; then pretends to not know what she’s talking about when she calls on him to deliver. “No. Our relationship is over. Can I have my daughter”. Then when she (understandably) becomes extremely emotional in her reaction, he can nod to you, as he reiterates “how crazy she is”. You betta climb down from your High Horse honey! Just because your birth control and/or/PROBABLY abortion[s] have kept your uterus flat and empty up til now doesn’t mean a dang thang for next year. You’re not even his fiance, Dummy! He giving you the same #ick Game he got Baby Mamma strung out on, so that when ‘he’s out of money after his bills’—you’ll be right there at the ATM machine with your arms wide open. So just with #ick and Excuses….you DARE come online and talk disrespectful about a situation with a Special Needs child (who IS related to his daughter too, you know!) that has NOTHING to do with your Stupid Insecure @$ @?????? What your Mother clearly didn’t do FOR you is teach you how to see a BS-er when that’s all that’s comin out their mouth. I hope you remember this critique. Dummy!

      • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

        Actually you are the dumb one. He actually did ask for assistance while in child support court (I was there) and here in PA, custody and child support are NOT determined together. His friend tried to work out custody using legal aid, and similarly to PDs, it was a disaster. Luckily in his case, his son’s mother is sane, and he was able to bypass that.

        In regards to the “need to talk”….it has worked about 1/3 of the time, and my BF has seen his daughter 4 times in the past year. So no, he’s not “playing me”. He’s simply gambling to see what type of mood she is in to she if he can see his daughter. If he says “no” then the chances are 0. And he doesn’t seduce her with anything. He actually leaves the phone on speaker and walks away from it (where I can hear everything as well). Mainly because she goes on for hours at a time and he can’t stand holding the phone up to his head for that long. She’s completely delusional and talks non-stop. There is nothing to hide. I know that…their entire neighborhood knows that.

        So I’m not on a high horse. I’m speaking the truth. To be fair, my BF isn’t blameless either. He got her pregnant before he even knew what she was all about and less than two years after she had her first child. And you act like her daughter is the only special needs child on earth. There are tons more, including children in MY family. And guess what? It is still NO excuse to act like a loon. If the child were normal or special needs or whatever, she should have cemented a relationship between her child and her child’s father. But no….she didn’t do that. She choose to ignore the father of her first child, leaving my BF to be the stand-in father. Now he is gone, and she feels like he left two kids behind. But that’s not how life works. It is rare for men to totally take ownership of children who are not theirs. I myself had two stepfathers and now that they aren’t with my mother, I don’t even talk to them. They married my mother, but they didn’t raise me. We owe each other nothing in the end.

        So before you go around critiquing other people’s life situations, get your facts straight first. Because if you don’t, the only one that looks dumb in the end is YOU.

        • Let a Fool Be a Fool

          Nah, shawty. Keep your Dumbness to yourself. Dude don’t mind meeting you at court to see about details pertaining to a PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP WHICH RESULTED IN A CHILD…..but shol’ ain’t tryna see you there to meet with a Justice of the Peace now is he? “Good girl” for not denying that your paycheck is his financial supplementation after he done paid that piper, cuz you already know whatzup, Money Bags! You’re inconsistent in your (WEAK) defense. 1st his son’s mother is sane enough to forgo the necessity of a private detective—–but he also needs to ‘prove’ to you ‘how obsessed she is for “some reason”‘ by placing her phonecalls on speakerphone. Poor You. I hope you stay on that birth control til you get rich; cuz even if Dude DID marry you……it’d only be a matter of time before he’s On To The Next. Females like you are born to be used. You’re so busy galloping about town on your High Horse that cain’t nobody tell ya nothin! I bet if you were to Woman Up (no longer than 1 hour for starters. I know you ain’t ready to do it 24/7 yet) and talk to his ex; you’d be apologizing to Me and God for ignoring all the signs that YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED. Whatever you do; please don’t allow YOUR insecurity (you’s dead wrong to talk about your Toyfriend’s son’s 1/2 brother…you selfish, resentful *itch, You!) to place YOU in Labor/Delivery tryna to ‘cement your status’. You still have hope. He hasn’t impregnated you. Will probably do that when he realizes I done got in your ear with some REAL talk, and now you’re questioning the re-fake-onship you think is the next-best thing to winning the lottery.

          • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

            Wow, you seem delusional & bitter yourself! It is very, very clear from your comment that you fully don’t understand this situation at all….so your opinions mean “zilch” to me. First of all, his ex has TWO girls (which demonstrates that you aren’t reading well). As far as marriage, that has nothing to do with anything. Marriage is a legal status, not an emotional one. My Grandmother had 4 children with my Grandfather and lived with him for 10 years before they were formally married. And why are you bringing up finances…like you know something about anything? When he runs out of money, I give him some and when I run out of money he gives me some. Normal relationship. He pays for my cable and has paid my car insurance for the past 6 months (like that has anything to do with anything). I’ve never been in a relationship where me and the other person make the EXACT same salary. In the relationships where he made more, he would spend more & vice versa. Seems quite normal to me really…but on the planet you come from, maybe it is different.

            I WISH I could talk to his daughter’s mother. If I had it my way, we would be friendly at least and work towards the most important thing….raising her. But no one can talk to her. Not her friends, not his parents, not case workers and judges, and not my BF. Why? Because she’s obsessed and she is a loon. You want examples? She broke out the windows in his parents house when his father answered the door, told her that my BF wasn’t there, and then told her good bye and shut the door. She was sued by the local corner store for beating up her neighbor in there and destroying an ice cream display. She has two counts of aggravated assault with a weapon against my BF. She’s on medication for bipolar disorder and has been sent to court ordered counseling (which hasn’t helped obviously). So no…I have nothing to say to her, and I have no desire to. My BF’s mother tried to be her “friend” and it has just backfired since she calls her day and night at home and at work, and doesn’t listen to reason in the least.

            In fact, she has told my BF’s mother straight out that she still loves my BF and “…if he would just come home, then he can see his daughter.”. My BF’s response: he doesn’t want to see her and rehash this. She can take their daughter to his parents, and he’ll pick her up. But no, she doesn’t agree with that. He needs to pick her up from her home so that they “can talk” (they live 3 blocks apart). It is BS and it is a game. A game that she’s too clueless to realize she is not going to win. Women have tried since the beginning of time to trap men with pregnancies and children…and in most cases, IT FAILS.

            The entire point of this post is women who use innocent children as weapons. My BF’s ex doesn’t give two craps about her kids. If she did, she would “woman-up” (as you put it), put personal feelings aside, and do the best for her daughters. Her kids are 4 and 2….what is she going to tell them in 10 years (besides lies) to explain why neither one of them have a relationship with their father? In the very least, keep yourself out of jail and court so that you can be there to raise them.

            And the special needs child – I bring that up because it goes to show you how misplaced her priorities are! She wants a pity party because my BF left her, but when specifically asked by a case worker about her other daughter’s father she said she didn’t know where he was and when she offered to help her locate him, she said she wasn’t interested. My BF has seen her walk out on her S.N. child at age 2 and leave her at home while she followed him around. He used to get mad, but now, he’s cut himself off emotionally from that. They are not his family, he’s only concerned with his daughter. Whenever the cops get called on her (happens at least once a year), the instructions that the police have from him AND his parents is that he gets his daughter only, the other goes to C.Y.S.

            I’m loving how you call me dumb for not having any children. Yes, I don’t have any because I’ve never been in a relationship where the man was ready for that and/or I didn’t know him so well (and when I got to know him, I realize that he wasn’t the one). My current BF is looking more promising, but we have not crossed that bridge. Even is we do have children, and it does not work out, I would never, ever keep my child away from their father. Not even if child support wasn’t being paid. Why? Because my mother didn’t do that to me….and I am very, very thankful for that! My father was unemployed for three years and could pay nothing, but I had free access to him always. That’s the way it should be. Unfortunately with my BF’s ex it isn’t even about money. It’s about her wanting him back. Again, it wouldn’t be me because I realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea..

            So I’ll close with saying the same thing my BF, his mom, and a judge said to her: Get over it. Focus on doing what is BEST FOR YOUR CHILD! (Too bad it falls on deaf ears!)

            • Soon Enough Sistah

              You’re dumb for substantiating your life to me (couldn’t care less about for even the money). The ‘thing’ about arguing with a Fool (You); is that the Intellect (Me) would be a Fool too, if I continue arguing with one (You). I AM focused on my life, and will continue to call out thirsty broads who impose their lack of knowledge about serious matters onto a forum I happen to have been reading. Good luck with your relationship. To have such a vested interest in a man who ain’t even bought you a Promise ring is your choice. The more you try to justify his lack of involvement in his daughter’s life; the more I know he `done sold you a good Game. There must be shortcomings on HIS part; as to why the Courts wouldn’t reward him custody from such a (said) unstable party. Felony convictions usually play a role. Sounds like somethin you’d go for, since you’re so “Pro-Potential” n isht. You’ll see, and remember each word I told ya when it finally dawns on you.

              • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

                Wow, do you enjoy conjuring up fantasies? As I mentioned before, my BF has yet to bring the custody issue to court. When he was in court for child support, HE is the one who brought up the custody issue, and the court mediator is the one who told him that custody is a separate proceeding from child support (which my own Dad confirmed…he struggled with a similar situation with my sister). Felonies? Wow. No, he has none of those…his daughter’s mother does though.

                Shame on you for speaking on the behalf of others and what they really want. My BF has and continues to shed many tears over not being able to be in his daughter’s life. He loves her more than anything, but he knows now that getting involved with her mother was the worst mistake of his life.

                • I Know

                  Your Toyfriend “Has Yet” to bring the custody issue to court. Your Toyfriend “Has Yet” to put a ring on your finger. Happy Getting Played. You’re making the worst mistake of YOUR life to deal with this busta. But more power to you; Boo-Boo The Fool! ;)

                  • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

                    Actually you are a fool for thinking that 1) good legal representation is free and 2) a ring on your finger means anything. My mother has been “engaged” with a ring for 5 years and is no closer to the altar than I am (she and he BF break up every 6-9 months). So focus on your own love life. I know I’m focused on mine & am VERY happy (the only thing missing is my BF’s daughter).

                    • wow

                      I wonder where is this Rishona chick now lol I bet the baby daddy ended up back with the baby mother (they always do.)

                    • http://www.rishona.net/blog/ Rishona Campbell

                      Nope, he’s still with me. LOL…..haters gonna hate! :-D

                    • OMG WOWWW

                      Rishona, the “woman” responding to you is clearly crazy… Probably a Baby Mama herself with 5 kids from 5 different men. And bitter than no man has wanted to stay with her.. Ol’ heifer is bitter over getting played by men, who then leave her for sane women. LOL

  • K.W.

    Blah!

  • Angry

    Articles like this make me so confused with my situation. My ex used to hit me in front of our daughter, and even though she was only 10 and 11 months old, it’s hard to separate that (she’s about 20 months now). I mean, what if he hits her? Then, him AND his mother likes to brag about drinking and driving. It’s like, I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father, but he won’t see her, and he’ll say how he wants to pick her up, but negro, how do I know if you’ve been drinking? I don’t want to to seem petty, but I don’t know what to do.

    On top of it, he’ll lie to his family and tell them how I won’t even let him see her, but he won’t even come over here. I’ve offered for him to come and spend hours with her. Then, when he calls me on the phone and I offer to put him on speaker phone so our daughter can hear him, he always declines. He won’t even Skype with her, but ask his stupid family: “He wants to see her, but you’re not letting him.” UGH!!!! It just makes me so mad!!!!!!

    • Angry

      And the thing is I grew up in a good, two parent household, so I know how important a father is to a little girl, but I just don’t know what to do. His family smokes cigarettes and weed around the children, even when the children are in the car with them and they have the windows rolled up so the cops can’t smell it.

      It’s such a chaotic environment. Even his grandmother gets drunk on a regular basis!!!! Then, his family likes to encourage the children to fight for their amusement. It’s just too much, and I don’t mind them coming to see her, but I don’t want her to go over there without me. Okay, I think I’m really done now. Any suggestions?

      • TK

        OMG that sounds like a horribly toxic environment and I think your right to not send her over there unsupervised. I wouldn’t let her get in a car with him (or the family they sound hellish!) but keep offering to open your home for him/ them to visit at least it will be your rules on behaviour in your own home. Otherwise how about meeting in a park/ playground where there are other parents and children around and where smoking/ drinking will also be unacceptable.

  • Yokessm

    I grew up with my mother and father, in the house, happy and in love. I can’t relate to all this baby mama drama, but I think that unless we are speaking of an unstable bitter woman, whatever the father did to the mother, that relationship needs to be mended, see kids with parents that barely speak to each other, that’s also dysfunctional. Again maybe in speaking out of my neck…

    • At Least You Know!

      Ain’t no ‘maybe’. I appreciate you being able to acknowledge that you have absolutely NO concept of a Situation like this. How amazing, it is, that the only scenario you can depict is of a mentally/emotionally inept female turning to vindicative and spiteful means as ‘revenge’ her broken heart. Grow Up, Shelteredina! And in case anyone’s lookin to scapegoat ME; please know I am the product of a married two-person household too, so please try somethin else. Thanks.

      • Yokessm

        Honestly you could have kept that comment to yourself, what was your point? You grow the hell up, and don’t project your obvious insecurities on me, it’s not my fault you can’t do better than a bit with baby mama drama, pathetic.

      • Lola

        Spoken like an unhappy,vindictive soul.

  • realadulttalk

    If you do this to your child–expect them to turn on you as an adult. It’s not fair to anyone involved…and it takes a great deal of hate to inflict this much pain on others.

  • Adrina

    Growing up, I didn’t have my father around but it was his choice to choose the streets over his family. So to have a woman (or man) deliberately keep a child away from the other parent is stupid. Trust me! You are hurting the child waaay more than the parent. A child needs something from both parents even if those parents aren’t together. Get over whatever differences you have and move on for your child’s sake. When I was a social worker, I saw this A LOT among white people.

  • Dearest

    While reading most of the comments, it made me rethink my issue with my son’s real father! We were together for 5 years but he ended up on drugs and not taken care of his responsibility so I packed his items and he left! I got involved with a real man when my son was 2, had a baby girl a few years later and now it’s been 9 years since my son has seen his real father! He doesn’t know his real dad that well b/c for one, he wasn’t around to know his son and for two, he’s in and out of jail to much! We live in the same city and when he final was released all he wanted to do was call my house @ 10 that night, disrespect my family, ride by my house and run around town telling people I wasn’t letting him see his child! Really!! It’s getting to the point to where I’m going to have to inform my son about his real father but with his dad’s way of living house to house, still on drugs and can’t be an adult, I will never feel comfortable for my son to actually stay the night! The fathers family is wanting a relationship with my son but they have there downfalls just as much as his father but I’m working on that now with them to see him a little more! It’s just that the man he’s known since 2 has become more of a father with sports, school and showing him what a man is suppose to know, that’s why he’s called Daddy! It feels wrong for him to label him as dad but my son always told me that he may want to see his real dad but his step dad will always be the man in his life!

    • Adrina

      Now, this is a different situation. This man is on drugs and is in and out of jail, and can bring potential harm to your son. And for him to be running around town saying these things, he’s clearly not an adult to take care of himself let alone develop a relationship with his son. He needs to grow up. You want your son to have a positive role model. On the other hand, he needs to know at least who is father is. So you know what? His father keeps saying you don’t do this and this. Let him meet his father, supervised. Children are not stupid, they’ll see straight through a parent especially if that parent aint _____. At the end of the day, you have to protect your child.

    • realadulttalk

      This article does not apply to you. You are an extreme circumstance–having your childs father in his life could be dangerous…very. And if you don’t feel comfy with his fam–don’t push that either. If your son wants to know his father–I’d only allow supervised visits with both yourself and your husband present. Your primary job as a parent is to protect your child–do not allow anyone to sway you if you feel that it could be to the detriment of your baby. Because there is an interest in his father–it’s probably time to stop withholding information about him. I’m a “keep it real” kind of parent…your son is about the same age as my daughter so I bet he knows and understands way more than you are giving him credit for.

  • beevb

    There are so many things having a father around teaches both young men and young women. Even if we don’t like him, we should not and cannot deny a child the opportunity to have a relationship. Co-parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, because I work hard to show respect and include someone I now longer like, as a person. But I do it for my child, period.

  • Faith

    The mother should let the man see his child. They should not use the child as pawn to hurt the father, move from place to place out of spite to make sure he does not see the child. It is wrong. They should be able to get along for the child’s sake. It is all about the child not them. Also, while you being gooly eye, and having a ball having sex, you need to know who you are laying down and producing a child with. Some people don’t want to see the signs. It could have save them a lot of heartache, headache and mainly money.

  • phillysdymond04

    For me is the opposite. I try my hardest to get my child’s father to see her and spend time with her but to get back at me he wants nothing to do with her. He knows that its his only way to hurt me. He even throws it in my face when he spends time with his other child. And he’s a military man.

    • Hello_Kitty81

      If her dad don’t want to acknowledge his daughter, then another man will. Karma will bite him in his butt one day for what he’s NOT doing for his child and he will miss out on important stuff in her life. Just be stronger and love that baby.

      • Bernn Ward

        That’s funny, that is the one thing these vindictive witches are apt to say when their plan is to use children as a pawn: “You are the one who is going to be missing out on the ‘important’ stuff.” STUPID!!!

    • JaneDoe

      My son’s father sent him a picture of him at his oldest son’s game with a msg that read this could have been me and you if your mom didn’t take you away from me. Who does that to a 7 yr old (at the time). I take my son to all his games and he knows that. All the other kids are there with their dads.. SMH, he won’t get the opportunity to hurt my child again. If protecting my child is petty then so be it.

      • Eggy

        That is terrible. I can’t imagine someone being that spiteful to a kid.

        • You Dont Have To

          Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! JaneDoe said a mouthful. Sometimes we fall in love and copulate. We don’t all get abortions (unlike half the females hatin on the Mothers). We then outgrow the ‘lover’ with whom we share a child. When the ‘father’ is the one bitter and unresolved about the ending of their relationship with us; treatment towards her innocent school-aged-lad is perfect proof. These byproduct of the willie lynch agenda are DISGUSTING. They make vasectomy procedures look real good. I know you won’t let it happen to you, and thank you for that!

      • Brandon Angel

        alienator. these are the words of an alienator, and good thing the dad could sliop in some truth before the 100% kidnapping your doing now.

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I’ve been divorced from my child’s father for 3 years and I would never keep her dad from seeing her. He sees her everyday and better to have her father in her life than no father at all. I just wish some of these parents out here would just get along and leave the bitterness aside for the sake of the child. No child wants parents who hate each other.

    • RJA

      Good for u hun!!

      • Annie

        You are delusional if you think your son is ok with not seeing his father. If you love your son you would do what is right and pick up the phone and encourage him to talk to his father. This is not okay.

        • Mztisa

          When a father is a deadbeat whats the point? I didnt have my father in my life growing up but knowing what he was up to it was best that he stayed the hell away from me! I don’t know that I could have handled the constant rejection from someone that I love all the while blaming myself for it or thinking its my fault.

          • Brandon Angel

            You may have been alienated. How do you know what he was up to if he was not there?

            • Mztisa

              After almost 25 years I got in contact with my father and we had a discussion about his inability to be a father to me or my 6 other siblings because of his drug addiction. I’ve known several people that grew up with addicts and I know enough to know that I appreciate his absence.

        • JaneDoe

          Who said it was okay? I am not going to allow disrespect especially on a phone I am paying for. I put my son on speaker phone everytime they speak and he never ask how school is? How was your game? Or what my son is in to. It goes straight to bashing me. I ask my son does he want to speak to his dad every now and then and his reply is “no, I’m good. I’ll call him later”. I never speak ill of his dad. Kids are not stupid and neither was I growing up in a single parent household. So don’t assume hun.

          • Brandon Angel

            you are an alienator, speaker phone and you manipulation is your obsession… not the fathers sounds like to me.

    • JaneDoe

      Good for you. See the thing is with that is that some fathers are more mature than some. For example in my case, I live in another state. My son’s father is bitter towards me bc I moved out of state to better myself. I have offered him summer vacation and one major holiday with my son. It wasn’t good enough for him. The first few times he did see my son it was on my dime. I offered him to stay at my place to see my son as a convenience to him and he took me up on the offer once in the last 6 yrs. I even went as far as offering to pay for summer camp while my son is with him in the summer he refused. He calls my son only to make empty promises that I in turn have to turn around and fix. The last nail in the coffin was on my son’s birthday back in May instead of sending the gift he promised he calls my son on the phone and said “I would be there spending time with you if your mom didn’t take you away from me”. That was enough. I have had to deal with this for the 6 yrs my son now being eight. I’m good. I’ve tried and tried and I refuse to do it anymore. That was the last time I picked up the phone when he called and my son hasn’t asked about him since. The moment he does then thats a different story. He can call but until then no maam. Everyone’s story is different. And to the one’s who can be mature and work it out for the kids sake more power to them.

      • Brandon Angel

        he is right to say that you take the child away to a degree, this is not whats best for the child. the child also does not get to choose, do you give the child chocolate cake for breakfast? you dont have a place to say any of this, the relationship is father and child, just like he has no place to comment on the mother and child relationship. I am sure his poaragraph describing things is also blaming you… too bad for the child you two are both stuck here.

    • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

      Totally. You’re an amazing, mature woman for doing this. Your child will truly grow up to appreciate this (I know I did)! :-D

  • RJA

    God bless the “baby mama’s”, Lord knows i wouldn’t be able to do it

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