I’m Done Talking: An Open Letter To My Ex On Why I’m Finished Discussing The Past

October 1st, 2012 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers

Dear Ex,

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a quote that almost jumped off of my iPhone screen and slapped me in my face. The tweet read: “If you still talk about it, you still care about it. Stop giving life to dead things.” I stared at it for a while as I allowed the words to penetrate my psyche. It was truth staring dead at me on an illuminated LCD screen. A barrage of images and old conversations began to clutter my mind as I thought of all that had taken place since we called it quits. I quickly retweeted the quote adding my own “note to self.”

It has been almost two years since our breakup; our ugly, painful, unbelievable, long, drawn-out breakup. The one breakup that made me a living witness of the pain that Mary J. sang about in those old school ’90s jams. The breakup that I was sure belonged in a Tyler Perry film or a Terry McMillan novel. The breakup that belonged anywhere but in my life at this point.

Talking is what got me through that difficult period. Talking to family. Talking to friends. Words are what pulled me out of the defeated state that I found myself in, so I clung to them. I expressed my hurt and humiliation. I expressed my rage and dismay. I expressed what it did to my self-esteem. I expressed how I felt I was taken advantage of. I expressed how I was gradually getting over it. I expressed how I was making peace with the situation. I expressed how I was learning to forgive you and so on. Talking about it is what got me through, but even after I got back to my old self, I found that I was somehow still talking about it. I had become comfortable telling our story. I had it down pat. I had it perfected as if it were some ancient folklore that I wanted my future children to pass down to my grandchildren and so forth (not cool).

Although I’ve gotten over what happened, the fact that I still talk about it says somehow or another I haven’t fully released it. With that in mind, consider this letter the last hoorah. I will no longer relay the nitty-gritty details to those that inquire. I will no longer tell the story of how wrong you did me. I will no longer discuss the huge mess that you made. I will no longer call you a womanizer, make any other negative comments about you or throw any kind of dirt on your name. I refuse to give life to something that died so long ago. I refuse to provide  you with real estate in my head. I will leave the past in the past. I will let go of the things that no longer serve a purpose in my life, such as this negative experience. I’m done playing the victim.

I realize that each time you discuss things of the past, you somehow re-visit it and I for one am done re-visiting this soap opera. Living in the past hinders one from moving forward and I am one hundred percent ready to take advantage of my present and step into my future free from baggage, bitterness and resentment. I say all of that to say that I’m retiring our story for good.

Good luck and good riddance.

- Jaz

Jazmine Denise is a  freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

Photos courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • maya

    I like the letter but personally think maybe she should not send. It can just be something that she writes & then burns or something. Writing the letter is continuing to open the door because it gives the man a chance to respond. For therapeutic purposes, its great to write, but would i send it, NO, because its already dead. If its dead, no more reason to write a letter saying its dead, but I guess we all have our own healing process.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    Amen to that, I take note!

  • Linda F.

    I am too ready to move on and been through the same situation. This letter is a wake-up call for me. Thank You!

  • http://blackplanet.com/dcb514 D.C. Price, MBA,PMP,MCTS,CNA

    I agree with the overall opinion that this article was definitely done well. I have had TWO failed marriages. The first one had no chance because I was so immature and unaware (so was he) that it never had a chance. The second could have worked. I am somewhat bitter or disappointed behind this. I gave it 150% and he gave it 12%. My patience wore out, after 17 years and it was over, just like that. I can’t say we did not try counseling, we did. I can’t say that there was not a few good times, there was. What I can say is that he was not genuine and his family was 70% of the down fall. I’m glad I ended it. I am glad I have walked every step of recovery the last 4 years. I am still disappointed but maybe not as bitter. If I ever see him again, maybe I won’t react with such disdain.

  • Pivyque

    I’m glad for you! Best of wishes to you!

  • chazzychat

    Signed. Sealed. And Delivered —

    I definitely relate to this open letter…it’s as if you were telling MY story. It makes me look back and want to say AMEN! There was purpose in my pain. But it wasn’t the valley experience that made me grow into who I am today…all credit goes to the man above. Thank you for writing this I’m taking my lesson and closing that door/window/chapter. No more to be written or said.

  • JaneDoe

    Open respond to writer, your wasting your time. They don’t listen and they will continue to waste your time as long as you continue to communicate with them

    • Toya

      Did you even read the article?

      • Mia

        Hell, can she even read?!

  • Roses

    So freakin true! This was an “ah ha” moment for me! :)

  • chelli

    omg jasmine. i totally understand where you are coming with this letter. this is something that i am actually going through right now. and i think that you are right. thank you.

  • TRUTH IS

    Well-written….we all needed this letter at some point.