Why Are Some Of Us So Quick To Drop Our Girlfriends, But Stay Put For No-Good Dudes?

September 26th, 2012 - By La Truly

Boyfriends and home girls. A very strange yet interesting trend when it comes to these two types of relationships was brought to my attention the other day.

With significant others, it seems that oftentimes we stay when we should have been left. Nothing new there, right? We’ll make excuses when there really aren’t any excuses for the behavior we’ve allowed. We cling to a dude because we think things will get better, he will become better, and we will become better together. Very rarely does it ever work out that way. And still, we stay.

Then, I think about my own home girls past, and present, as well as the many female friendships I have witnessed over time. I cannot count how often ONE indiscretion sent me into a downward spiral of negative thinking, believing that a friend who had been loyal up to that point never meant me any good and that the friendship was completely spoiled with absolutely no reason to fight for it anymore.

This picture is so horribly skewed and yet I didn’t notice it until someone brought it to my attention. First off, where we as women get it wrong is thinking that we can ever actively change a man. Men don’t change because we want them to. They change because they’ve personally had that light bulb moment and THEY want to do better. Our staying with them despite being treated poorly doesn’t help. It only reinforces their sideways behavior in the first place. Changing him just isn’t possible if he doesn’t already see the light and want to change for the better. And then, too many times we think he needs to change “for the better” when he’s actually fine the way he is, he just needs someone who is compatible with his ways. That just so happens to NOT be you.

But yet and still, we poke and prod, and knead, and allow behavior that is beneath our standards all for the sake of having and keeping a man. We stick around even when he comes in at 4 a.m. with liquor on his breath and lipstick on his ear. We ‘pray on it’ when he shows that he has no intention of maintaining a steady job to provide for his household. WE do that. We latch on and hang on for dear life. That’s what’s clear. The reasons why aren’t always so simple and they’re always relative to the woman and this relationship.

It blows my mind both in my own case and in general how many of us can in one breath condemn our ace boons to hell and declare the friendship over due to the tiniest issues when in the next breath we’re declaring our undying love for men who have very little invested in us. We’ve taken ‘ride or die chick’ so seriously that we are literally dying for the love of some men who would have it so and couldn’t care less. Then, we forget the meaning of ‘true blue’ when our friendships need it the most.

I’m not saying we need to jump in and out of relationships when one small circumstance doesn’t go our way, but we shouldn’t be so quick to stick a fork in our friendships over the tiniest “he-said-she-said” drama. If we took honest inventory of the energy we throw into failing relationships like valuables into a bonfire, we could see that our friendships have a fighting chance if we would put that much energy into them as well. It’s easy to pull an ‘Evelyn/Jennifer’ moment and barely speak to one another for extended periods of time and then blow UP when forced to confront the issue. Priorities matter. Honesty matters. Communication matters. One thing I learned over time is both within romantic relationships and in our friendships, applying wisdom and honesty with self is so necessary.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.  

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  • Adrina

    I’ll drop both of their asses at the same time in the same length of time. It’s been done before.

  • L-Boogie

    Learned that lesson…NEXT!

  • Cakester

    I lost a friend… our husbands went to Vegas for a bachelor weekend… months later we found out the our husbands cheated…well, we actually found out her husband cheated and continued the relationship for months… her and I were fine until we found out that my husband didn’t cheat… now she is mad at my husband for not telling her (her and my husband have known each other longer than any of us) so she stayed with her man but stop talking to us… makes sense?? Of course not…

  • LaLa Fisher

    I just kicked my best friend of 30+ years to the curb because she decided to start hating on my relationship with my boyfriend (now my fiance). As long as I was unhappy, miserable, or having issues with any other man, she was supportive and standing by me, encouraging me to try and work things out with these losers, but the moment she realized that my fiance was the one, she found everything and anything wrong with him, started commenting on his kids, and god knows how many snide remarks she made about him being short. I thought that after so many hits and misses that she would be over the top happy for me that I finally find my guy. Boy was I wrong…..And I didn’t kick her to the curb because of him – it was about the principle. She can encourage me to keep being miserable, but the moment I find true happiness she found every reason to try and make me see the worst in someone who is genuinely perfect for me. Never mind the fact that she’s divorced and her husband did her dirty…..I guess misery really does like company!!

  • DontHateMeCuzImBeautifulYall

    It’s an unfortunate passed-on trait STRAIGHT from the plantation; sistas hatin on sistas. Willie Lynch further perpetrated this tragedy by instilling a light vs. dark-skinned phenomena amongst us which carries onto this day! So if ‘we’ are being taught ‘not to trust no hussy round yo man—especially dem redbone womins’….AND are prisoners to Insecurity (obesity, self-degradation via our hair and fashion complacencies)—-it’s no wonder MY 32 y/o, 5’4″, Carribean/African-Native American, [NATURALLY with NO PERM] long-haired, light-eyed-AND-skinned butt has to shed them types of females from MY collection like lint! Their insecurity has fettered the better of my noble intentions to instill a ‘strong sistahood’. I now only deal with equally self-confident and fabulous females. These some-timey sistas can KEEP IT!

    • SuZQ

      I don’t know you, but all the comments you made are highlighting what you feel makes you attractive and not what makes you a good friend. I’m sure your eyes and hair are great for you and nice that you feel you are attractive, but if that’s what you lead with in a conversation it doesn’t convey positivity and is exclusive and divisive to all the beautiful dark skinned or short haired people with dark eyes.

      • YallAreJUSTWhatImTalkinBout

        You’d hafta be able to relate to owning these physical traits to overstand how so many of my ‘sistas’ can’t stand my (fine) @$$. You wanna Inbox me a personality assessment? Please do; I’ll pass with flying colors. My friendship caliber speaks for itself. I’m 32; got 5 females I call friends…and we’ve been keepin our bond strong for over 10 years. The ‘rest’ of em ARE prisoners to Insecurity: obesity, self-degradation via our hair and fashion complacencies, low IQs, color complexes, etc. I’ll bet money that You and the 6 others voting ‘Down’ my poignant points made about what’s wrong with so many of ‘yall’ are just mad because I’m individually calling your Spades a Spade. Keepin it real ain’t easy, but I’ll be happy to continue to do it. BTW: I don’t go around town verbally commanding attention to my multi-ethnic looks or physically fit physique. People like y’all do more than enough of that for me. Take it up with Wille Lynch sista! All I ever did was be born.

        • Guest

          You’er an idiot and your grammar is nothing more than ghetto trash. You’re probably some 300 pound overweight b!tch with a 20 pound weave that’s still a virgin.

          • Dear Sometimey Sista

            Speak for yourself, Ugly! You got some nerve attacking my grammar when you can’t even spell “you’re” properly! I know your type, Sometimey. Take it up with your parent[s], therapist, and nutritionist. Take it up with Wille Lynch sista! All I ever did was be born (and have given birth to a daughter and son whom I’m sure are waaaay cuter and smarter than yours. You already know). At my high-school reunion, I laughingly flaunted their pictures to sore sistas like you who couldn’t believe (seeing the ripples of my abdominal muscles under my snug tee) that my youngest (at that time) was only 2. I also made sure to wear some ol’ Parasucos which STILL FIT from high school to make that point, Fat @$$. I understand why you’re hot (not like Me, of course). Speaking of ‘ghetto trash’—-that’s another thing that seems to alienate me from the ‘basic’ broads. I have no problems amongst the college-educated and financially motivated ladies. It’s haters like you (who MAY have finished high school or not) who not only resent my beauty….but also my surburbia upbringing and professional accomplishments. Thanks for confirming what I already know; HATAH! ;)

          • Dear Sometimey Sista

            And even at 9 months’ pregnant; I just couldn’t manage to EVER weigh over 155 pounds. I’m (sighingly) back to 125. Wouldn’t mind an extra pound or 5, but no one’s complainin! Believe it. Let’s ask your Toyfriend what HE thinks.

  • realadulttalk

    I had a friend drop me once b/c I made too much sense about the worthless father of her child (I felt I could since I was buying his baby diapers and whatever else she needed). Well, she came to her senses and we are friends again–he is nowhere in the picture.

  • Pivyque

    Funny! I was just talking about this to my friend last night. She stopped talking to me 3 months ago because I told her that her boyfriend was no good. Just to clarify, I didn’t just randomly say it and start bashing him, she asked me what I thought about him and I said…verbatim…”I think he’s no good for you”. *silence* then she just said she thought he was perfect and changed the topic. No calls, when I called, no answer. Fast forward 3 months and she is calling me because they broke up. Apparently, he quit his job, moved in with her, took money from her rainy day stash to buy weed and occasionally had the audacity to ask her to take the bus to work while he used to car to go to hang with his friends. Thankfully, she kicked him out once she found out about the money. Yet, she hopes this will “open his eyes” and he will come back a changed man. I just said good luck with that and changed the topic lol

  • diggy.p

    My friends always dog my guys who actually have treated me pretty good and we are still friends! But when I make one tiny little comment about there guy: like my friend dating the jobless dude with 4 kids by 2 different mothers, it’s a big deal! I had to drop her and quite a few other friends.

  • Pretty1908

    I will say this.. sometimes you have to distance your self from certain people when you are in a serious relationship with someone trifling or not…I have seen someone completely throw their relationship away , because they were too caught up in their friends’ opinions. I am not saying abandon your friends just because they don’t like or disapprove of your mate, but I am saying establish boundaries, you can’t vent about everything to them, and establish a friendship with GOD ! Yes we want our friends to get along with and like our mates, but it is not needed for the relationship to survive… and learn who your friends are !

    • gmarie

      YES! this! it’s not a necessity for your friends and your men to be on the same page at all times. They really don’t even need to see each other unless it’s in passing. Manage your schedule between the two. There are phones, email, social networks, skype, etc if you don’t have the extra time you use to be able to spend with friends. It can be done. I personally prefer to keep them all at a distance.

  • Nikki

    I think it’s because girls are supposed to have your back so when they do something to break “girl code” or do/say something hurtful you take that to heart.

  • IllyPhilly

    Good question!!!! LOL. We will drop a homegirl like some dirty laundry, but a trifling dude can always be changed. SMH.

  • Reese

    I’m ashamed to say I’ve ditched my girls for a dude. It was stupid and I lost some good friends behind it. I really have no rhyme or reason for why I let it happen.

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