Boyfriends and home girls. A very strange yet interesting trend when it comes to these two types of relationships was brought to my attention the other day.
With significant others, it seems that oftentimes we stay when we should have been left. Nothing new there, right? We’ll make excuses when there really aren’t any excuses for the behavior we’ve allowed. We cling to a dude because we think things will get better, he will become better, and we will become better together. Very rarely does it ever work out that way. And still, we stay.
Then, I think about my own home girls past, and present, as well as the many female friendships I have witnessed over time. I cannot count how often ONE indiscretion sent me into a downward spiral of negative thinking, believing that a friend who had been loyal up to that point never meant me any good and that the friendship was completely spoiled with absolutely no reason to fight for it anymore.
This picture is so horribly skewed and yet I didn’t notice it until someone brought it to my attention. First off, where we as women get it wrong is thinking that we can ever actively change a man. Men don’t change because we want them to. They change because they’ve personally had that light bulb moment and THEY want to do better. Our staying with them despite being treated poorly doesn’t help. It only reinforces their sideways behavior in the first place. Changing him just isn’t possible if he doesn’t already see the light and want to change for the better. And then, too many times we think he needs to change “for the better” when he’s actually fine the way he is, he just needs someone who is compatible with his ways. That just so happens to NOT be you.
But yet and still, we poke and prod, and knead, and allow behavior that is beneath our standards all for the sake of having and keeping a man. We stick around even when he comes in at 4 a.m. with liquor on his breath and lipstick on his ear. We ‘pray on it’ when he shows that he has no intention of maintaining a steady job to provide for his household. WE do that. We latch on and hang on for dear life. That’s what’s clear. The reasons why aren’t always so simple and they’re always relative to the woman and this relationship.
It blows my mind both in my own case and in general how many of us can in one breath condemn our ace boons to hell and declare the friendship over due to the tiniest issues when in the next breath we’re declaring our undying love for men who have very little invested in us. We’ve taken ‘ride or die chick’ so seriously that we are literally dying for the love of some men who would have it so and couldn’t care less. Then, we forget the meaning of ‘true blue’ when our friendships need it the most.
I’m not saying we need to jump in and out of relationships when one small circumstance doesn’t go our way, but we shouldn’t be so quick to stick a fork in our friendships over the tiniest “he-said-she-said” drama. If we took honest inventory of the energy we throw into failing relationships like valuables into a bonfire, we could see that our friendships have a fighting chance if we would put that much energy into them as well. It’s easy to pull an ‘Evelyn/Jennifer’ moment and barely speak to one another for extended periods of time and then blow UP when forced to confront the issue. Priorities matter. Honesty matters. Communication matters. One thing I learned over time is both within romantic relationships and in our friendships, applying wisdom and honesty with self is so necessary.
La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
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