Nobody Likes A Negative Nancy: Are You Optimistic About Dating?

September 20th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Happy Black Couple"

Source: Shutterstock.com

Am I negative?

I wondered this a while ago when a friend observed that I had a penchant for interpreting situations adversely. He pointed out that when I would talk about my current dating relationships I would automatically conclude that the guy just wasn’t into me.

“That’s because he isn’t.” I said wryly.

“Maybe,” he replied, “but maybe it’s not that simple and you should stop looking at things as negative towards you all the time.”

I waved him off, but later I began to think about what he said. Was I looking at things from a negative point of view? Me who earned the nickname “Sunshine” for always having a smile on my face was I really a not-so-closeted Negative Nancy? Yes.

Up until that point, I’d always thought of myself as a realist. Quick to be carried away, I kept myself grounded by thinking of the worst-case scenario. I despised disappointment and I thought the best way to avoid being disappointed was by getting rid of expectations.

Particularly when it came to dating, I refused to expect the best if there was even the slightest chance of the worst coming to past. If a guy didn’t text me back in a timely fashion, I was convinced he was ignoring me. If his phone rang twice then went to voicemail, I knew my call was declined. If he wanted to try a new theater in a different part of the city, I’d wonder if he’s hiding me. If he said he was going out of town, I’d think that he was just blowing me off. If he said he didn’t want a girlfriend, I’d imagine running into him in two weeks practically engaged to some random girl he just met. It’s not that I wanted all of these things to be true, but I felt that believing them to be so, mentally shielded me from becoming emotionally invested.

When I ended up being right about a guy (or at least assuming I was right about him), I felt justified in my thoughts and behavior.

Of course this was no way to live. Thinking that no guys are ever serious about me also led me to think that none would ever be serious about me and that led me to believe I’d be alone for the rest of my life. As someone who wanted to eventually get married, I realized that I could probably stand to think more positively regarding matters of the heart.

I also realized that there was a certain amount of selfishness in my negativity that I didn’t even recognize. To make an assumption about a man’s feelings, I first had to presume that everything was all about me 100 percent of the time. For instance, if a guy abruptly ended our telephone conversation, I assumed I was talking too much and he hated being on the phone with me. Never mind the fact that he could have a million different reasons for needing to hang up the phone that have nothing at all to do with me. I would get down in the dumps, reciting our conversation over and over in my head trying to decide where I went wrong when the fact was I never went wrong anywhere. Sometimes people need to hang up the phone and sometimes that reason has nothing to do with whomever they’re talking to. I’m not the center of the universe; therefore, things happen that don’t concern me.

After thinking about my tendencies, I decided that if I was going to assume something – because an over-thinker like me is always assuming something – then I needed to assume the best. That didn’t mean I was going to be caught up in wishful thinking about a guy, completely convinced I could change his mind about me. I’d been there before and it did not end well. Still, I wondered if I could be an optimistic realist when it came to relationships. I wasn’t going to convince myself that a guy liked me just because he poked me on Facebook but I also wasn’t going to assume he wasn’t interested because he responded to my two-sentence text with “Lol”.

There’s a lot of talk about the power of positive thinking and I am a firm believer that, as John Milton said, “the mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven.” I’m not saying you can “positively think” a good man into your life or “positively think” someone into falling in love with you. I think being realistic is important, but I don’t think realism can only exist apart from optimism. I think they can work together to help facilitate an ideal situation.

Automatically assuming that a guy doesn’t like me wasn’t really keeping me from disappointment anyway. If it was, I wouldn’t have been talking about it incessantly thus bringing my friend to the conclusion that I needed to stop being so negative. In addition, a little disappointment isn’t fatal. The only way one heartbreak could ruin the rest of my life was if I allowed it to by refusing to put my heart out there again.

When I began to maintain a positive attitude about my chances of meeting a guy and being realistic about the guys I did meet (while erring on the side of positive), I noticed that I started experiencing more positive outcomes. I believe that my realistic optimism was rewarded — not just with a great relationship, but with a great state of mind.

What do you think? Have you ever noticed yourself being caught up in negative thinking? Has being positive about a situation ever resulted in a positive outcome?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life 

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  • Mz JoJo

    I this article is so good! I’m going through the same phase of being negative towards dating. I think it comes from my break up. My ex-bf was dishonest and was cheating. Now, it feels like all guys cheat and lie and I have no reason to trust them. But this distrust makes me feel terrible and I’m starting to be mean and hateful towards guys for no reason. They didn’t do anything to me and they don’t deserve my attitude. Thanks for the article. It made me evaulate the way I’ve been thinking and acting. I’m going to try to be positive towards guys and dating!

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    I don’t even care about dating.

  • TatumPascal

    Have you ever conscidered meds? Just saying, this article reads like someone suffering from depression. There is nothing wrong with getting help when it is needed.

    • Sellout Much?

      Have you considered the chemical side-effects of these ‘meds’ you’re clearly addicted to? There is nothing wrong with venting on an online blog (which you read) about one’s journey in love, life, and trying to make the best out of it with a positive outlook. Numbing/Dumbing down oneself with prescriptions concocted to keep Us from tapping into our Consciousness is what’s wrong with so many of “Us”.

  • WhoGotDrPhilzPhoneNumber

    I happen to know for a fact that I Got It Goin On. I’m physically fit. I have long natural hair. My eyes change color depending on the light. I can sing, write, play, and create instrumental beats. My Jamaican mom and Southern dad instilled culinary capabilities that have made men drop to their knees while I stand in front of the stove blushing with stirring spoon in hand. After two pregnancies, my stomach muscles still visibly ripple under my skin. My lips look like what women worldwide pay millions a year to artificially create an illusion of via cosmetic specialists. I even have the nerve to be slightly bowlegged. My IQ score is such, that I’ve only confided it to a handful of people – ever – and I’m 32 years old. The self-confidence I emit makes it so easy to attract men that I regularly forget who’s number is who (they always insist on me taking their dang numbers! lol)!!!! Seriously! It carries over into my professional life. I had an interview this past Tuesday, was put to work this past Thursday, and have already been advised that I am a promising candidate for a very lucrative promotion that will place me DOWNTOWN in a sky-scraper in an office—-of course, with a high-backed leather chair! I have learned that when one Loves their Life….Life will be an experience of more things to Love about Life in General. When one is too busy filling out proverbial Complaint Cards every dang day like Alissa; Life will continue to be a “This Can’t Be My Life” type of experience. Thoughts become things.

  • WhoGotDrPhilzPhoneNumber

    The next occasion I have to look up “Low Self-Esteem”, I think Alissa’s name may be amongst the definitions! My goodness! I pity the man who marries HER! There are few things more maddening in a relationship with an insecure person—-than when they need 24 HOUR ASSURANCES! That $#!t is EXHAUSTING. One can NEVER convince them enough that they are lovable and desirable. They’re always threatened by ANYONE else with whom you associate—even on the phone or online! That you may be related to them by blood doesn’t mean a dang thang to their INSECURE @$$ either! In their miserable little schizo world; even a cousin with who you share a GRANDMOTHER….is but a pawn of the the devil themself being used to ‘bring [You] around someone else who will “make” you wanna 1. sleep with that person and/or 2. leave [Ol' Insecure Sucka] for that person’. The name of Alissa’s blog (This Can’t Be My Life) speaks for itself. I usually refrain from quoting scripture (Religious Fanatics are #2 on my List of Least-Favorite People)—-but I will make an exception and cite a passage of the Quaran: “Pity, thy name is MISERY”. Alissa doesn’t need to keep spreading tips on how to hate oneself. Alissa needs intense therapy, with the services of a Life Coach to supplement the lack of ALL THINGS that whoever raised her clearly failed to provide! Am I wrong to assume she’s overweight? I’m not (one of the Hated by Many with high metabolism), and have been subjected to countless confessions from the Big Girls about how miserable their existence is due to their excessive girth, so please do’t hate me for Just Askin.

    • http://twitter.com/AlissaInPink Alissa (Uh-LEASE-Uh)

      This. Is. Hilarious.

  • WHOISBSQUARED?

    GURL, I AM THE SAME WAY…..HELP ME OUT

  • Solores

    I think like this…. And honestly I can tell by the writer that she probably has been in my shoes before… A lot of women gain this negative view because of past dealings. People always say its who u chose but if everyone who chooses u and u choose act the SAME and things end the SAME … Then u are going to start to expect that. And no one wants to go around treating people that way… But it’s hard not to put up a wall when people have beat u down when u opened up to them. I don’t think it’s selfish at all… Because most people like the writer are very giving in relationships… But people take advantage of nice don’t be silly… If people see a free bowl of candy greedy people are going to take a handful and not care about leaving it empty for the next person. I have learned a lot about myself over the past year and thru my wall with Christ lean on his word. What he has for me is for me…. And the person he sends if that’s my destiny will know how to treat one of gods children…. Oh and p.s if a ni66a one word textin he don’t want to talk to yo a$$$….I’m not second guessing that at all… If u don’t want to talk to me either say so or I’ll do it for u…. Thatt what I don’t have time for….

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      I APPRECIATE UR COMMENT CUZ THATS ME……SAME PPL, SAME BULL

  • bru bru

    I’ve ran across a ton of men and women like this. Everything revolves around them…now that I think about it, I know a ton of men and women who aren’t like this too. You just never know until you actually have communication with them and ask the right questions or say the things to trigger these reactions.

  • Ms.Nay

    I’ve felt like this in the past. Great article that gives a new view of how to see things!

  • Elle Royal

    ;^)

  • gracie

    It depends, I am only negative if given a reason to be.

    • Soloras

      Ok I’d be negative too if a ni66a 1 word textin… Ain’t NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

  • JaneDoe

    I am very opimistic. No, I haven’t found my partner for life yet but I will.. Just have to keep the faith and keep my butt in the gym

  • L-Boogie

    Nope.

    • $#!tISRealBoogie

      Hey L-Boogie. I always love your comments. My heart hurts for you, because a part of me IS you. There ARE but so many times a heart can be broken before it slowly transform into stone. I can metaphorically feel where you’re coming from by comparing my theory to a wound. If one keeps injuring the same part of their body and a new scar keeps re-forming, a hell of a tough-@$$ keloid is inevitable, right? However, scars and all, the innermost part of me still contains the light of pure love. I know that I am worthy of experiencing the beautiful sacred joy that comes with truly falling in love. What I have opted to do is to protect this part of my heart that I will NEVER let ANYONE break. By setting my standards higher than before, I am experiencing waay better treatment from all men in gen. Cliche-ish as it sounds, and I know a fellow Playa like yourself needs little guidance in the Game, but “The thrill of the chase” really IS our biggest trump card. The delicious agony of anticipation and mounting sexual tension are more addictive to a REAL Boss than drugs. “A REAL man knows a REAL woman when he sees her” (Alicia Keys); and WILL put in the work if what he wants is a prize. You and I are. It’s no revelation that 80% of ‘available’ males almost make [me] marvel that I ever like men at all. I KNOW when it’s Time, I’ll get one of the Slim Pickins. I have decided to ensure financial security before I contemplate a serious commitment. My broken heart is so (secretly) delicate that I know I CANNOT risk a broken heart AND being financially bereft should a relationship end. (Thank you Oprah Winfrey) AND I insist on a prenup! (Thank you Terry McMillan!)

      • $#!tISRealBoogie

        Oops. Meant to say you and I are PRIZES.