Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Do I Tell Him The Sex Is Wack?
Monique: Why is it so hard for men to commit?
Damon Young: The answer to that depends on the man. But, what it usually just comes down to is that the “commitment-reticent” man values being single more than he values being in a relationship with that particular woman.
April: Is it too much asking a man to wait? (sexual relations) and do they really lose respect for you if it is too easy to get?
DY: I realize I’m in the minority with this, but I think when a woman decides to sleep with a guy really has no bearing on his feelings for her. I mean, obviously, if there are extreme cases — i.e.: she runs up to him and starts humping him as soon as she first sees him or she makes him wait for 15 years — that probably will affect his feelings about you. But, whether you “give it up” in six days or six months, if he likes you, he likes you, and if he doesn’t like you that much, he’ll continue not liking you that much. In this sense, sex doesn’t really matter.
Natalie: Where does one draw the line post infidelity in regards to trust? How will one know if they aren’t becoming paranoid when trust is being asked of their significant other? Is trust even an option post infidelity?
DY: The question you brought up is why it’s so difficult for couples who have experienced infidelity to remain together. It’s usually not about forgiveness — people seem to have a pretty high capacity for that — but it’s the fact that the trust was damaged, and may never be repaired. And, as I’ve stated multiple times here, if you don’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. So, for a person dealing with this issue, they either have to get over it and stay or, well, not get over it and bounce.
DeAngela: What’s the best way to get through to a man about me not being ready for another child without hurting his feelings?
DY: Just, um, tell him that since you’re the one who’s going to have to carry, house, and feed a giant parasite for 9 months until it forces its way out of a tiny and extra sensitive slit on your body, you can decide not to be ready for that experience.
Cicely: How do I PUSH without nagging? I feel I know what’s best for MyMr sometimes when he doesn’t see it and fights me on it like a 3yr old boy smh… I’m not his mama so I don’t want to force my opinion down his throat BUT life is too short for procrastination
DY: Positive reinforcement is a much better strategy than nagging
Bre: IS IT OUT OF LINE FOR A FEMALE TO TRIP ON HER MAN IF HE TELLS U ..THAT WHILE GETN TO NO EACH OTHER N BFOR A RELATIONHIP WAS FORMED ..HE HAD SEX WIT SUM1 ELAS…MEAN TIME YALL ARE AWAYS TOGETHER N TALKIN N TEXTN N HAVE FEELINS FOR EACH OTHER AND HE TELLIN U ITS ONLY U BUT JUST HAVENT SAID LETS B TOGETHER…WOULD U SAY HE CHEATED OR JUST LIED….SO CONFUSED
DY: If he slept with someone while you were still just dating, while I see why you’d be upset with that, technically that’s not cheating. And, if you were texting him the same way you ask questions here, it’s easy to see why he might have been confused.
Johniece: I have been with my man for 4 years and I love him to death but the sex is not that good. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings????
DY: It’s been four years and you’re just now figuring this out? Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a tough conversation to have. You should have nipped this in the bud like 40 months ago.
I understand men have egos and Shyte, but there’s no harm in communicating your wants and asking him to do things a little differently. Most men do want their women to enjoy having sex with them, so he’ll probably be receptive to your suggestions.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
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