You Close One Door, Another Opens: The End of My Relationship With My Child’s Father

28 Comments
September 20, 2012 ‐ By Liz Lampkin

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It was a beautiful  Autumn Saturday evening. The ground was covered with rainbow colored leaves, the wind was blowing just enough to give the perfect breeze while inhaling the fresh scent of a  fall evening, and the sky was the perfect shade of royal blue. I was headed out for a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, after I spent the day shopping and pampering myself. It seemed as though this was the perfect day and I was going to culminate it with the perfect evening, so I had every reason to be happy, right?  Wrong.

When I arrived at dinner, I was seated quickly at a table for two. The waitress came and went through her routine, then asked if everyone in my party had arrived. Before I opened my mouth to answer her I smiled slightly, swallowed my tears with squinted eyes and said yes. She said okay and walked away to give me a moment to look over the menu. As I browsed through the menu, my stomach felt a little squeamish. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was starving, upset about the fact that I would be dining alone, or if it was my unborn child moving about.

To be honest, I think it was a combination of all three. So luckily for us the waitress returned quickly and took our order immediately. Shortly thereafter, my phone began to ring. It was my child’s father. He was calling to see what my plans were for the evening because he wanted to get together to talk. I told him I was at dinner and invited him to join me. He declined, and then began asking me a number of questions about the status of our relationship; you know those questions that let you know that he’s trying to subtly break up with you, but he wants you to get fed up and end it first so it’ll look like you wanted the relationship to end. You know the questions, where do you see us going? Do you really think we’re compatible? With each question he asked, my heart sunk in with every answer I gave him because I knew where he was going with this conversation. After about ten to fifteen minutes of engaging in the final exam of what would be the beginning of the end of my relationship with the father of my child, he finally said to me, I think you should find somebody you are compatible with because it’s not me. With tears coming down my face, yet hiding the fact that I was crying I said okay, I’ll keep you posted on the progress of the baby. He said okay, and we both said goodbye. When the conversation ended I was absolutely devastated.  As tears continued to stream down my face, so many thoughts and questions raced through my mind. How was I going to raise a child as a single mother? Will he be involved in our child’s life as he should? Am I now another statistic?  That’s okay, we don’t need him anyway... So after the random thoughts and questions stopped racing through my mind, I finished my dinner, went home, cried some more and started my process of accepting the fact that I would be a single mother.

The next few days, weeks and months were extremely difficult for me because the relationship with the father of my child ended abruptly without logical explanation. As I tried to move past the relationship ending and move forward to facing my new reality I did some soul searching and reflecting. During my process of soul searching and reflecting I asked myself a number of questions in regard to my relationship with my son’s father and why I was so devastated when it ended.

My first question was, why did I want to be in a relationship with a man that did not want to be with me? Answer, because I had love for him (or at least what I thought was love), I was carrying his child, and I wanted us to be a family. My next question, if I wasn’t pregnant, would he even want to be with me at this point in our relationship? Answer, probably not. My last question, why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who brought drama to my life, and was not concerned about me or our unborn child? Answer, because at that time in my life my self esteem was at an all time low, I wanted us to be a family, and I couldn’t see the drama because all I wanted to see was what I wanted. After my soul searching process, and the birth of my child I came to grips with the reality that I was a single mother, and I had to learn how to be okay with every aspect of it.

So as I moved forward with my life without the father of my child, I learned a number of valuable lessons. I learned about the joys and struggles of being a single mother by being there whole heartedly for my child, finding the joy in everything we do and watching my child grow. I’ve learned how to be a better, stronger and more confident woman internally because I know I am the primary example of what a woman should be in the sight of my child. I’ve learned how to balance my career and motherhood by managing my time better. And last, I’ve learned how to be single and extremely happy. How did I do that? By trusting in my Creator for guidance and finding the joy in being a single woman. This was indeed a difficult journey, but it was worth every lesson learned. Now that I look back on that night my relationship ended with the father of my child, I smile. I smile because I realize that if he had not ended our relationship I would probably have tried to continue on with a relationship with him that probably would have been detrimental to my health, his health and the health of our child. Letting go of the feelings I had for my child’s father was not easy, but I’m glad the door was closed on that relationship because it opened the door to so much more!

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    the sad part is most women don’t realize what kinda man their dealing with until it’s too late, despite the warning signs that “hey, this guy might not be the best candidate to possibly have a child with if you were to get pregnant” . . .

  • STARO

    O.k., I’m not really clear about what the author wants me to feel here. Seriously. What comes to the surface is curiosity: How long were you with this dude before YOU decided to move forward with a pregnancy? Was this a committed relationship or a casual one that took on the resemblance of committed relatioship sans the agreement of both parties? Where was the relationship at for this dude to suddenly began questioningly compatibility?
    Also, did he agree to co-parent (i.e. desire to have a baby under the circumstances of the current relationship). I’d love to be a cheeleader here for the author and those like her, but I’m really over the baby-mama-he-done-me-wrong-wrong-wrong cry. Too many of our children are born outside the security of a two-parent household. This isn’t news nor is this a unique situation. A statistic? yes. A victim? only, by your own hand. Keep calm and carry on.

    • lol

      you and me both girl, you and me both.

    • kudostoyou

      Like your response, when you reach and dig deep into a relationship and situation like this it depends on detailing of WHAT HAPPENED. Were you in a Maury-esque like situation? IJS people and life aint what it used to be… What type of person are you? What type of person is he? Did he attempt to make things work? The whole my baby daddy “aint ish and can’t buy pampers” is played. Some single women who raise children alone are by choice.

    • essie

      yes, over the “he done me wrong” ish. i just witnessed a friend dump her baby daddy over some family drama. She claims his sister tried to kill the baby(who’s now 3 months old) when she was 4 months pregnant by attempting to give her a cold. My friend said she coughed and said “give me a hug”. His sister insists she wasnt trying to kill her nephew much less contemplated it. My friend argued that BF should ban his sister from the baby. He told her “no” and that they(sister and she) should come to agreement about how they interact with the other. She said no dice splitsville. Her or his family, wtf.

      like you i thought it was deeper but it’s not bc she claims that she never had a problem with his family before that and felt like he choose them over her. i

      know im on the outside looking in, but when a man stills dates you; takes you out; pays for all the medical (her and the baby’s); buys all the baby’s needs for his room; and pays his child support(more than what’s required) should on time.i just think as 25 year old–we’re all the same age– that despite all this they dont have a custody agreement. she even complained about him buying diapers, wipes, changing pads, and etc. without her permission and asking for too many baby updates and pictures. so she decided not to regularly let him see the baby bc “he’s not acting right”.

      needless to say we’re not friends anymore bc i sided with the father saying he still loved her bc he didnt take it to court.

  • Reese

    Bravo! Bravo! My daughter’s father and I were out of love a long time before I became pregnant. But in the words of Gladys Knight neither one of us wanted to be the first to say goodbye. As my pregnancy progressed, I started seeing him more and more for who and what he really was, a bum. I tried to stick it out for our daughter but by the time she was a month old, I had to say I’d fought the good fight and it was time to let it go. I felt like a failure and some days I still do. I love my daughter, but I definitely should have made better decisions.

  • rzakia

    This article speaks to me. I’m dealing with a similar situation. I was with a man I was totally compatible with, in love with, looking towards the future with until I got pregnant. Then he told me either I have an abortion or he was leaving because he didn’t want a child at that point. I couldn’t see myself choosing a man over my baby so I obviously didn’t have an abortion. Now I’m raising her alone which isn’t bad, we’re so bonded and I enjoy every second of being a mother. However, it drives me crazy that he’s okay with not being in her life at all. He’s never seen her, doesn’t ask about her, he won’t even speak to me about her. I just can’t get over that part of it. Everything else I’m fine with it. I’m a strong woman always has been always will be but when it comes him not wanting anything to do with my daughter that breaks me a little.

    • STARO

      At the risk of stating what may or may not be the obvious, even in hindsight . . . clearly, you all weren’t “compatible” in any meaningful (i.e. enduring) way. The 800-lb gorilla in the room obscuring your vision was his (questionable) character and your very different views of the future. He sounds to have been enamored with the situation (i.e. the relationship); you, on the contrary, seem to have been sincerely in love with the actual man. Hopefully, he’ll grow up soon.

      • rzakia

        Actually I don’t care if we were really compatible or not anymore. And I certainly don’t expect people who doesn’t know either of us to understand one way or the other. I’m more concerned with my daughter not having a father in her life. Ho people give that thumbs down is beyond me. But whatever.

  • gracie

    I am glad you moved on but I can imagine how hard it must have been to let go. This makes me question my relationship with my bf!

  • Momo

    I needed to read this! My ex left me after 8 years for a white woman he JUST met. While i was home holding him, our house and our unborn child down while he was supposed to be grinding doing the med school thing he was lying and cheating during my entire pregnancy. I got so depressed because to a certain extent I was not only heartbroken but embarrassed. Not only had he left me but he hadnt even told ANYONE is his family about my pregnancy. We dont speak now and him and his family still barely acknowledge my child. But God will handle him. Nothing is more painful then meeting your child and she has NO clue you even exist. I had a lot of long months in between but i wouldnt change my struggle. I always say I will fight the WHOLE WORLD for my daughter. But she will never see my scars.
    Much peace and blessings to you and your son and all of us doing what we have to for our children.

    Your sister in love
    Mo

    • Just saying

      I’d love to hear his side of the story.

      • xxdiscoxxheaven

        I don’t know if you are looking to defend him but bump all that left me for white woman crap. No man should ever abandon anything he brought into this world. PERIOD. There is no excuse.

    • joclo

      Damn. I bet he was a dark skinned wesley snipes type of n!gga. Don’t mess with black men like that.

  • 1HotMama04

    I can totally relate to the author of this dissertation because I myself found myself in the same predicament. My son’s father and I have been off and on for 4 years and our baby is 24 months old. He would get overwhelmed and leave but would call or come by to see see our baby. I was raised by a single mom and I am successful…

  • realtalk

    Yes, things happen and there is no way to control them. You can put forth your best effort at trying to make the perfect life for you, but disappointment still happens. Nevertheless, I hope this article encourages women that hasn’t had to go through this, work harder to try and make sure you have a strong committed relationship before a child is brought into the picture. I also hope this situation provides encouragement to the many women that have gone through it.

  • victoria

    Im glad that you were able to ASK and ANSWER those questions. No man can uplift a fallen/low self esteem – that come from within.

  • RJA

    Man that’s crazy. Too bad all women can’t be as strong as u are. I know I wouldn’t be able to. One of my greatest fears is having a kid and getting stuck raising it alone because the father refuses to be involved. This is why I won’t have kids, but your son is blessed to have such a strong mother

    • Nina

      It feels good to read a comment from someone that has shares the same fear. I commend women that have the strength to raise children on their own, but I don’t think I could do it myself. Being a single mother or baby mama is not for me. I’m not willing to take that risk by having children.

    • L-Boogie

      One of my greatest fears as well.

      • L-Boogie

        Again, Madame Noire. I am not a parent. I do not have kids.

    • RJA

      It feels good to know I’m not alone ladies

  • KIR12

    The separation rate for black baby mammas and their baby daddies has to be close to 95%!

    • victoria

      unmarried arents, in general, are mre ily oseparate than married parents.

      • L-Boogie

        True.

    • Fj

      Where are you getting these numbers from? Your numbers remind me of the fallacy that we have more black men in prison than in college.

    • TRUTH IS

      Lol…I knew a troll would kill the spirit…lmao…$hit happens….you feel better about the general divorce rate?!?

  • FJ

    I am happy for you. Learning from our past is what clear the path when moving forward. I wish you and yoy son the best!