How and When To Have “The Talk”

September 21, 2012  |  
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So you’ve been seeing a guy for a while, you’re hanging out multiple times a week, you have a toothbrush at his place and you’ve even gone on some weekend getaways together. But he doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend yet. And you want to change that. Having “the talk” can be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences for women, because we fear it will either make or break what we have with a guy. But being prepared in these ways will keep you calm and cool when you finally ask, “So. What are we?”

Does he make regular plans?

And I don’t mean “Let’s go to Paris sometime” because men love to fantasize and make large gestures without thinking about the consequences. Does your guy make regular, daily plans like, “Let’s get dinner tonight”? And does he incorporate you into his life, inviting you to parties with him and to meet important people in his life? If so, you can feel pretty certain he’s ready to get serious with you. If he’s only seeing you once a week or less, and always just the two of you, he may be trying to keep things casual.

Don’t do it drunk

As soon as you hear the question creeping into your head, “What are we?”, start planning a sober time to bring it up. The longer you put it off, the more likely you are to explode with the topic when you and your guy are under the influence, and then you’ll both wake up feeling confused and wondering how serious that talk really was.

Don’t do it over the phone or text

When talking about something as important as your relationship status, you want to pick up every facial expression, vocal change and nuance. You owe that to yourself! If your guy wants to get serious, you’ll be so happy to actually hear him say it. If the conversation goes downhill, you don’t want there to be any confusion, which speaking over text or on the phone can definitely leave you with.

Do it in the afternoon

You know it can be hard to get your guy to sit down and focus between stress about his work, him wondering what’s for dinner and the video game he wants to get to. So, pick your time carefully. Male testosterone actually drops between 4 and 6 pm daily, which means they are more calmed down and ready to listen.

Be wary of your opening line

How do you feel when somebody says, “I need to tell you something” or “We need to talk”? You probably panic, thinking something bad has happened or is about to. When having the talk with your guy, find a natural way to bring it up. If you’re already talking about how happy you are together, that’s your time to swoop in.


Sit next to him

In any other setting—the principal’s office, your boss’s office, your parent’s kitchen table—when somebody sits across from you, they’re breaking bad news to you or you’re in trouble! Sitting next to your guy makes him feel like you’re literally and figuratively on his side, so he’ll immediately feel more relaxed.


Take a moment to reflect

Whenever you want to make a point to any sort of audience, you want to begin with a statement they can agree with. This makes them more prone to agree with you further. So, instead of starting straight in with, “I want to take things to the next level” begin with, “I feel like things have been going really well with us lately” or “I’ve been so happy with you lately.”


Say you’re nervous too

“The talk” always makes men nervous. So if you’re completely calm and in control, your guy might think you’re not totally compatible if your emotions approaching such a big topic are drastically different. Show him that you’re nervous too, so he knows you’re on the same page.


Make it fun

The talk doesn’t have to be all seriousness. Bring it up in a moment when you and your guy are already relaxed and having fun, so he’s already in the mode of thinking, “This girl is so great!” If you’re a funny gal, start the conversation out with a joke.

Don’t do it when he’s stressed

Men cannot multi task or multi think the way women can, so if you bring the talk up when your guy is trying to solve a problem, is dealing with a crisis or is just stressed after a long day of work, he’ll feel like you’re adding something to his plate, rather than bringing up a potentially positive thing.

Don’t bring it up angry

This is another reason you want to bring this up as soon as it begins to bother you, because otherwise you will explode next time your guy cancels on you, or wants to sleep alone, asking, “Are we a couple or what?!

Don’t do it under a time crunch

No big topic should be brought up when you’re in a rush. The guy will feel you’re trying to manipulate him into saying what you want to hear, just so that he can get on with what he’s trying to do.



Don’t do it while friends are around

At a party or bar is not the time to bring the talk up. If, by chance, your guy doesn’t take it well, he will feel very awkward telling you he doesn’t want to take things seriously.

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