Is It Weird That At 31, I’m Not Worried About Marriage Or Having Children Anytime Soon?

September 20th, 2012 - By Kendia

I am 31 years old, I don’t want children, I’m on the fence about marriage and I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year without any motive. I want to be with my man, I enjoy being with him but is a relationship without an end point or motive a selfish one?

Recently I was eavesdropping on a train conversation during my daily commute. Two young women, who appeared to be a few years younger than I, were discussing why an impending proposal should happen. From what I gathered it didn’t seem that they were certain that one of them was going to get proposed to, but it was obvious that the time for a proposal was upon one of them.

“You guys have been together for three years, you’re at marriage age and he’s older, it should be coming soon…” How long before one starts thinking about a marriage proposal? What’s the “marriage age”? More importantly, am I a floosy if none of the above matters to me?

I would love a life partner that I know. I do not want to be alone forever but I don’t mind my moments of living single.  Sometimes I wonder about my motives, I wonder if my reluctance to set any goals or want the same things that “all women” want is me running away from those things. But the more I think about it, the more I don’t think so!

I’m not afraid of children, but at this point in my life babies aren’t for me and no matter how old I get I’m not going to force myself into believing that they are.  I love the idea of long-term partnerships but I’m not quite ready to jump over the broom just yet. A few years ago I didn’t have to apologize for this, a few years ago when I was in my twenties I didn’t feel judged when I expressed this view, but right now at 31 I have to defend my motive-less loving and living.

I believe things happen when they’re suppose to, I want a proposal to come because the love is that deep, because I’ve decided that this, is, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and if that takes ten years or two, that’s what it takes. Forever is a very long time and I don’t know if I could put a time frame on how long I should be with someone before I make the commitment to be with “him” forever.

I’m also well aware that forever may never come, but what am I rushing to? Who am I trying to beat in what race and for those who set up a time frame, once it does happen, what happens next? And if it doesn’t happen in the time frame you want, then what?

When I meet women and men who are all about the goal or getting to the end point of the relationship and can’t figure out why it isn’t going in the direction they’ve planned, I can’t help but wonder is that because they’re too busy directing and not living in that relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married and having children, there’s nothing wrong with setting a timeline for those beautiful things to happen for you but sometimes you have to fall back and let it happen and not make it a deadline!

If I had motive in my relationships I would be jumping ahead to that thing, be it a marriage proposal and/or children, I’d be skimming over the relationship and focused on my motive and when I got there I’d be wondering, what now? I’m not saying that’s what everyone’s doing, but next time someone gives me the side eye, that’s what I’ll tell them and if you’re like me you and someone questions your way of doing things, say that it’s not that you’re afraid to commit or are loose or hate children, you’re just making sure you’re prepared for what comes after. Besides, forever is a very long time, I can take my time!

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  • donalda

    No. But if you think you might want some kids you should get your eggs frozen now. After 35 y.o. you might have difficulty getting pregnant.

  • cmr23464

    Funny many are trying to put age as a major consequence of this feeling when this is about the age of late 20s and early 30s. This is something that many of my independent, hard-working, recession-hit graduate friends and I have discussed and we are not even 30. Maybe freezing eggs and losing the pretty are relative to late 30s and 40 year olds, but our age isn’t even considered an issue.
    Also, alot of comments have pointed the finger at not listening to what people think, but people are scrutinized everyday for something. And especially when it seems like you have a steady job, great personality and attractive appearance. I’m always interviewed with “So why are you single?” and “When are you looking to settle down and have kids?” I’ve also heard a man doesn’t want a woman that doesn’t want kids” and “Sooner or later you’ll change your mind”. I don’t have a problem with doing what I want or making my own decisions, but it does become more of a defense mechanism when single men or older women begin to point fingers.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    I’m in my mid 20s and I’m starting to get a little concerned since I haven’t been in a relationship for a few years now, but nothing was more depressing than listening to a 31 yo woman and a 40 yo woman I knew bemoan the single life with the 31 year fearing that marriage and children would never happen for her while the 40 yo described how heartbreaking it was that she wasted 10 years on a man who never married her and has now hit menopause. It’s scary to listen to her talk about never being able to have biological children waiting on a man to marry her only for him to leave her.

    • donalda

      Depressing, but you learned something. If you want a husband and children, you need to get serious about making that happen by any means necessary. And never, ever let a man leave you hanging. I was dating my hubs for 3 years we were serious, and I knew he wanted a life with my from his leading questions, but he was dragging his feet. We lived together and I told that man that I was too old to be playing house and if he didn’t get his *isht together I had to make other plans. Several months later there was engagement ring on my finger. Your 40-year old friend needed to defend her boundaries and let that man know what she expected and if he didn’t deliver, she should have walked.

  • Pivyque

    Whatever makes you happy! It’s your life. As long as you aren’t committing crimes or hurting anyone, have at it! Lol

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    No, it is not ‘weird’.

  • RandomTandem

    I’m in my 30s, and part of me would like to have someone to carry on my legacy but the rest of me is like HELL NO! I like small babies, but they dont stay small that long, then they grow into annoying needy kids. to be a good parent, you have to drop everything and make your child a top priority in your life! AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! at least I DONT LOL.

    i have so much that I want to do, travel and have fun, and I know a lot of people who have kids…and i know a lot of people married with kids and nothing going on in their daily lives make me want to say SIGN ME UP FOR THAT! Most of what they go through makes me want to run the other way! Needy husbands, needy boyfriends, needy children, not being able to come and go as you please, having to sacrifice your money for things that others need. I’m still in selfish mode and I would rather do ME!

    I don’t mind having a man to kick it with but Im definitely not marriage material because I do what I want, and I dont want some man rushing me home, asking me where i been, and all of that! I just want to have fun! And I know that sounds immature, but my idea of fun is not going out partying and drinking, falling into the house at 4am.

    My idea of fun is traveling, eating out, shopping, doing whatever hobbies I like and just doing whatever I want to do at that moment without having anyone nagging me asking me to cook, or help with homework, or DO SOMETHING i dont feel like doing. I like being free!

    People keep asking me when i’m going to have kids. I guess misery loves company. I dont know if I ever will. Down the line if I decide I want a kid, maybe I will adopt one or something. I have no idea but a kid does not sound like a fun thing to have around every single day. I find them fun in doses but after spending extended amounts of time around them, they become annoying and I love the idea of being able to give them the peace sign and roll out.

    As far as men, a lot of them are just like kids, so the same rule applies lmao

    • Pivyque

      I try to encourage anyone that asks me not to have kids! lol I can’t cosign about needy husbands because mine isn’t, we still have our individual interests…but kids? Smh. Let’s just say that if I could afford a full time nanny, I would get one. That way I could up and go travel when I please. No worries about finding someone to babysit.

  • Relationshipdna

    Whether or not you want kids or want to get married is a red herring. The perverbial time bomb for women has been mitigated by technology (we can freeze our eggs…no need to rush the 35 year old deadline) and yes, times have changed.

    It never fails however, that women who bask in their independence do so not because being solo is the true desire, but because long-term partnership scares the sh*t out them, however much they say they want it.

    In the end, marriage is simply a declaration of your love and devotion to someone else. However you choose to express that love is up to you. While I agree being desperate about the desire for it isn’t necessary, it certainly doesn’t mean hoping and planning for it makes you desperate.

    Life has a funny way of giving you what you ask for…so ask for what you want, not what you don’t want, and the rest will fall into place.

  • 305MovesLikeDagger

    Well, here is my question is it weird that I am a 23 year old male and have never been in a serious relationship? I am a college graduate, I stay in the gym, I am pretty intelligent etc. I have made out, I have had sex(far from a manho, only hooked up with two women) but I have never had an official g.f before. Just wanted a woman’s opinion! I think I am going to have to find one soon lol.

    • Hello_Kitty81

      You’re 23, you’re young, you have lots of time to have a serious relationship. Just do you.

    • Kells

      Baaaaaaby, enjoy your 20′s

    • MLS2698

      There was a story in my local paper once about a black, male surgeon who had put his career first, and basically didn’t have any desires to marry or settle down. Well, eventually, at the age of 50, he married another Dr. who was also up in age; they, as an older couple, eventually had a little girl. But the surgeon said he had the little girl for his wife’s sake, it was not a pressing issue for him to have a child because it was more responsibility and he knew his work would keep him away most of the time; but the family was overall very happy. It was a pretty good story, but this is what I was thinking as I read it: this surgeon didn’t want to settle down, but I’m certain there were times when he needed a woman to satisfy his natural needs as a man. And this is where I call bull snot on people who try to play the ” not ready to settle yet ” card. They take advantage of all of the benefits of a relationship, but will talk about their career as a stumbling block of commitment. You’re doing a good job, just don’t get caught into a web of leading people on, or being confused about what a real relationship is. Celibacy works too.

    • Adrian Willis

      you sound like a douche, why at 23 years of age are you reading articles of this nature anyway?….yeah bro, you’re a weirdo…..

  • Hello_Kitty81

    My aunt is 65 years old, she has never been married, has no kids (she can’t conceive a child due to her cervical cancer she battled 30 years ago) and is a grade school teacher and she’s not worry about that at all. When I asked my aunt why she didn’t get married or have kids when I was 14, she said “I don’t need a husband or kids to make me happy, plus I’m not marriage material or housewife material, I have to work and pay the bills. The only man I love and dedicate my life to is God and no I’m not a selfish person, just marriage and motherhood is not for me.”. I respected her decision to live her life the way she wants to and others are entitled to do the same. So no it’s not weird at all, just do you.

  • kotano

    No your not weird its perfectly normal for a woman to not want to get married and have children. Its society who believes women should be wives and mothers.

  • realadulttalk

    It’s not weird…but you don’t have a lot of time at 31 if you desire to have children. Your not sure if you are capable of conception at all and your chances are decreasing quickly. I also wonder why at 31 you are with someone if you don’t see a future. That’s cool at 21…but at 31 you are wasting your time (although if he hasn’t asked and doesn’t seem to be making moves–he probably doesn’t desire to marry you) and I don’t see a point in that. I’m a little older than you…and know MANY women like you. Sadly, most are now at that point of desperation…they’ve got no children, no husband and no good prospects. So now instead of enjoying their life and their children…they are desperate and willing to settle and procreate with just about anyone. So don’t end up there…cause there is nothing cute about it.

    • Rochelle

      You sound like a teen mom that thinks that the only joys in life are children and a man. News flash: That is what makes YOU happy. Not necessarilly everyone else.

      • realadulttalk

        I’ll assume two things about you. 1) No one pays you based on your ability to comprehend. 2) No one much listens when you make assumptions. Please, if you are going to speak out your arse, don’t respond to anyone b/c what you said made absolutely no sense in reference to my comment. Now run along.

    • angel

      I agree with you. The only reason you have dislikes is because you told someone’s situation and they’re pissed at you, lol! You on point though.

    • Nik

      I didn’t get that she doesn’t see a future she just said she doesn’t want to get married. I’m 36 and I definitely see a future with my man, but marriage…meh. Not really interested. We enjoy being together and make each other happy. That’s more than enough considering there are married people out there that can’t stand the sight of each other. Also, not everyone is going to turn into one of them desperate broads just because their biological window may be closing. At 31 I knew I wasn’t going to feel one way or the other if I didn’t have kids so I am assuming this woman knows herself well enough to know that. Sounds to me these ladies you speak of were never honest with themselves which is a travesty.

  • get real

    If “white daddy” came her way then it would be to hell with being single and not having kids. Lol.

    • Hello_Kitty81

      And who are you to judge this person?

      • Guest

        Mr. Bitterman is who.

    • RandomTandem

      you sound stupid

  • Rosetta Sone

    Life your life the way you want to live it and don’t apologize for your decisions. And let me say this…Idk where people get this idea that when you’re a woman and you turn 30, all of a sudden you aren’t desired by men anymore. where the hell did you people get this from?

    • Chloe

      Thank You!!!!! That’s what I wanna know Because I am in my late 30′s and I have no problem WHATSOEVER attracting men from different age groups. No Problems at ALL.

    • donalda

      I think that applies more to white women, sorry if it sounds racist. But they age fast.

  • kb

    I know women in thire late 30s and yes 40s that have children w/out invitro. When it’s your time,it’s your time. Don’t worry about it.

  • Hunny

    Live your life and don’t worry about what everyone else does, if you don’t wont kids/marriage Don’t do it. To all the people on here saying women have a “shorter shelf life”, hmm but women live longer than men. The older women get the harder to get pregnant, yes, but don’t let anyone tell you, you are less valuable when you get older, because whether these old men are chasing young women is not your concern, you’ll out live that man anyway lol, there are plenty of other ways to have children if you decide to do so later. Stop letting everyone tell you as a woman, what you should do with your life and body. Most of those who rush into having kids/marriage because they think it’s what they “should” do, are the main ones who regret it later, they regret the fact that they didn’t make their OWN choices and follow their own path.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/SG5QWRJ76HX7CUQZONIGTKARPI slp2011

    As long as you and your partner are on the same page, then live your life. It’s much better to be single/childless and content, than to create a dysfunctional family because you’re trying to keep up with the Joneses. There are way too many people out here getting married for the wrong reasons and having children they can’t support.

  • Nope

    Damn, another one of these articles. Look ladies, stop caring about what everyone else thinks. That’s probably my biggest pet peeve with most of you. So many of you claim to be so independent (emotionally, financially, etc.) and unique, yet more times than not you’re VERY heavliy influenced by everyone else or just flat out cave in to opinions and ‘pressure’.

    If that’s what you want, fine, but stay the course. Also, on the other side of choices and decisions are consequences, so be prepared to deal with that too (most of you don’t).

    • NicPal

      Agreed:)

    • Adrina

      THANK YOU!!!!!! Just live your life, my goodness….

  • JaneDoe

    You will when you are reaching that 35 yr mark when most women begin to have fertilization issues.. See it all too often being that I work at an infertility center.

    • MLS2698

      Yes, they don’t know that by the time they get to 35, they are almost out of eggs. Or, that the eggs they were born with is all they have, no new ones.

  • TRUTH IS

    You will when men stop when men to looking your way and your eggs are all shriveled up lol Guess you cant rush love!!

    • Nope

      Pretty much. Like I’ve said on here before and the women didn’t like that I said it, but a man’s shelf life is much longer than a woman’s.

      • TRUTH IS

        Agreed…and these same men go after women under 30′s…thats why when women are in their 20s, you date and cut style on men, once you hit 30s, they cut style on you. It sucks but it is what it is!

        • Nope

          Exactly! When a lot of these women were younger and prettier they didn’t have a problem doing what they perceive a lot of men to be doing now.

    • TRUTH IS

      WTF did I type lol
      *You will when men stop looking your way….

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