An Open Letter to My Single Sistas: Stop Searching For Him

September 14th, 2012 - By Liz Lampkin

Single Sistas Searching I also urge and encourage you to really think about your motives for desiring a husband. Many of us desire a husband for the wrong reasons; you know those reasons…a need for financial security, a need to legitimize a pregnancy,etc. Sometimes it’s just for the purpose of being too lazy to start over or my personal favorite…he’s a good man and I don’t want to leave or lose him. I urge you to desire a husband and marriage so both you and your husband can fulfill your purpose in the world as one, and not seek to satisfy superficial desires. Last, I urge and encourage you to cease your search for your mate, and start your search within as an unmarried woman because if you spend a majority of your single life seeking out your mate, you may miss out on the beauty that is your single life. Instead of searching for a mate and marriage, look within yourself to discover the hidden treasures that make you the woman you are and the woman you have yet to become, whether you’re married or not.

I know that many of you may be going through the stage of life where you have reached a certain age, and you think you should be married by now. But the truth of the matter is there is no set age on when you should be married, and you can have a joyful and productive life as a single woman, because the reality is that there are many married women who wish they were single, and just because they are married does not mean they are happy. I also know that many of you may get lonely sometimes and wish that you had that special someone to spend Holidays with, your birthday, and of course Valentines Day. I know that you are anxiously anticipating the day when you can say I’m engaged or we’re celebrating our wedding anniversary this weekend. I know your heart may slightly sink in when you see a friend’s wedding pictures, bridal party invitations,  and  baby showers. I know what you’re going through because I’m right there with you. But over the years I’ve learned the value in being a single woman, and I’ve learned how to wait. So I stay to you relax, relate, and release your search because your husband is on his way, but you must be sure you have prepped and positioned yourself to be seen as a wife. Learn to wait patiently and look forward to being married, rather than looking for it. Stay encouraged, serve your purpose. Pray, reflect and grow.

Sincerely Your Single Sista,

Liz

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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  • kemi

    This surely got me thinking and self searching.

  • dorothycharlesbanks

    I married without being in love with my husband. I came from a very strict household, and I wanted a way to escape, and be on my own. I must clarify that I met my husband when I was in high school, and the “love” I thought I had for him was not the mature love required to adhere to my marriage vows. Lust is no substitute for love when choosing a partner for a life time of commitment.

    Getting married at 19 gave me insight into me as a woman. After my divorce I learned that I did not need a man to complete me as a woman; nor can I hold a man responsible for my happiness. Both have to come from me. I also learned that I am not the marrying kind. My three children are the only blessings from my marriage.

  • blacklatina

    I cried reading this article,it touched me so deep…
    Thanks,an afro latina sister.

  • WHOISBSQUARED?

    IMA B JOINING YAL GROUP SOON….YAL MAKING ME CURIOUS ABOUT THIS HAPPINESS I WANT TO EXPERIENCE….

  • Khadijah White

    What?????!!! Did ya’ll dig this article up from a 1943 ladies magazine?? #fail

  • Machelle Kwan

    Women better take back their power and learn to be happy whether single or coupled up. You have to live your life. A woman isn’t worthless just because she isn’t married or doesn’t have a child.You have to deal the cards that you are dealt. Learn to make yourself happy. Life is an unfair game. Sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. Sometimes you get what you get.

  • Machelle Kwan

    This letter is very unrealistic. While the writer is telling women what to do to “attract a husband.”..Did it ever occur that we now live in a society that doesn’t value marriage, committment, love, or monogamous relationships? These men are no prizes out here these days themselves. So just what are they waiting for?

    • Pivyque

      That’s true, but I think there are more men out there that value marriage than a lot of people think. I think a lot of them are overlooked because they may not have “swag”, lots of money, a flashy lifestyle and a smooth way with the ladies. Men that have women flock to them, tend to have less respect for marriage and commitment because they can get what they want when they want it.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Young girls want men with ‘swag’ women look for substance. Just like young boys want a girl that looks like a video vixen. Men want someone they won’t be embarrassed to bring home to mom.

        • Pivyque

          I think that everyone is looking for something different. Ice and Coco are a perfect example of that. My brother would be embarrassed to bring her home, but Ice is proud to have her on his arm. My only question is, how can you know someone has substance if you don’t give them the time of day? A lot of women have a laundry list of things they want in a man and have yet to prioritize that list. So, when a guy comes along that is not tall, dark and handsome, he may get overlooked.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            that is usually a problem when a woman is young and somewhat shallow. Most men from 18-27 aren’t looking for their wife but a good looking chick that excites them sexually. What’s the difference? Only problem with women being shallow vs. men is if they allow Mr. Tall Dark and unemployed to knock them up.

            • Pivyque

              That’s true. I still think there are more men out there that are looking for someone than the average woman thinks. Having the mindset that they aren’t out there is probably a large reason why some women accept certain behaviors from men.

              • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

                I can see your point. There are men out there who do want to be with just one quality good woman. I just think for the majority of men that doesn’t happen until they get through their 20′s.

                • Pivyque

                  Yeah and it wouldn’t be so bad if they were upfront about it!

    • CommonSensePointerOuter

      Maybe I’m delusional, but I think a lot of men want wives. Even the men who are labeled as “dirty dogs” want wives. The difference is that men want their life companion later in life than women do. They want to “get it in” and then settle down. I have a 15 year old brother who says he doesn’t want to be married untill he’s 35-40. I don’t know where he gets it from (our parents have been married 28 years so he’s seen healthy relationships) but that’s what he wants. It just seems like a part of a man’s nature.

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