How To Have A Successful Threesome In A Relationship

September 18, 2012  |  
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It’s not for everyone. In some cases it can destroy a relationship. In many cases, if it happened, it was a sign that the relationship was already doomed. But for some couples, in some situations, just a little spice can bring them back that feeling of being excited to be in the same room, of feeling attractive and attracted to one another again, and  feeling adventurous: and that spice can come in the form of a threesome. Here’s how to pull it off and get all the benefits, and none of the downfalls.

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Why do it?

So you’ve been with your man for a long time. Maybe you have kids and busy jobs and sex happens once every few weeks while you’re waiting for your laundry. You know each other so thoroughly—you’ve bought one another Pepto-Bismol and Spanx—that seeing the other person as a sexual object is nearly impossible. There is no mystery left there. You’ve lost a sense of your own identity as an individual and just feel like the other half of this safe, bland relationship. If this is your situation, this is where a threesome may come in handy.

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A few precautions

If there is something truly wrong with your relationship—say you’re often fighting, there is a lot of jealousy or just turbulence in general—a threesome is not your fix but will only make things worse. A threesome will easily enlarge any negative feelings or insecurities in a relationship if they do exist so it is not for the unstable couple. It’s for the stable—too stable—couple with no issues whatsoever, except for their bland routine life and complacency.

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So, how do you bring it up?

You don’t want your partner to in any way think your desire for a threesome stems from your desire to simply be with somebody else. In other words, you don’t want it to look like you’re asking for a get out of jail free card for cheating. So, say something like, “I think experiencing something this new and exciting together would really bond us, and help us feel more attracted to each other again. This third person is just a segway to us getting closer.”

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Who’s your third?

Do you hire a high-class hooker? Do you hit the bars with your man and flirt up a woman you both agree on? Do you ask a friend? That depends on multiple things…

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If you ask a friend…

You run the risk of awkwardness afterwards because you see them regularly, and the potential for jealousy because you have to see your man interact with a woman that you know, at one point, was able to turn him on. Who’s to say she won’t do it again? However, a friend can be good if it is one with which the boundaries are clear. If you have a female friend who you know would never under regular circumstances want to be with your man, and visa versa, but they are simply up for it because it’s a “novel” situation that they want to try out, a friend might be your best bet.

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If you ask a stranger…

You avoid any awkwardness afterwards in your social circle. However, because you have no prior knowledge of how your man really feels about that stranger—as you would know had it been a friend—you might be left wondering if he found himself highly attracted to her, and even fantasizing about her after the fact.

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In most cases…

Most couples that have successfully pulled off threesomes enlisted a friend, with whom the boundaries were clearly set and it was obvious to everyone that there were no further feelings there, other than the excitement over getting to try something new.

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What happens after you’ve chosen the third?

Most couples have said that after landing on their third, they’ve felt more excited than they have in years, almost like teenagers again. They immediately feel more attracted to their partner because they were game for such an adventurous and novel experience. Both partners feel giddy leading up to the event because they’re sharing a secret, something they maybe haven’t done in years.

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The honesty is bonding

Look: if you’ve been with your man for years, you’ve both fantasized about being with other people, or simply about doing new things in the bedroom that you’ve been afraid to ask for. If you fantasize about them quietly and alone, then you become further and further away emotionally from your partner. Many couples have said that talking openly about their fantasies instantly made them feel closer. Just the conversation about the threesome made them feel not defensive, as they’d feared, but more on one another’s team.

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How to prepare

Many women say that preparing for a threesome made them actually care about their bodies again, getting back into the gym, jogging or whatever activity they used to do before they became comfortable in their relationship. They had the urge to treat themselves to pricey lingerie, after maybe having stuck to a strict budget for a long time. Having a new person to impress with your figure lets you feel empowered again, and like a sexual being again—something perhaps missing in your relationship.

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The night of

Keep things simple. Have your third over for some wine. Don’t be afraid of the awkward beginning, or of talking about what’s happening. This isn’t a Adult Videos flick. You don’t have to all read from scripts. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to say, “So should we start this?”

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What do you do?

What you do is up to you. Many couples draw the line at intercourse between the man and the third—the new woman. Go with your gut on what is comfortable for you. What happens should stop at whatever the most timid person is comfortable with, so that nobody is left feeling they were pressured into something or even worse, feeling jealous.

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What about afterwards?

It should be understood that you, the couple, invite the third if you want to do it again. You’re in a relationship and that has to be respected. This one time experience doesn’t make this a three-person relationship.

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Avoid a repeat

It’s probably best to avoid a repeat with the same person because then you risk crossing over from, “This was just a new experience we all wanted to try together” to “We are people that regularly get physical together” and that’s where jealousy can come into play. You need to always feel that the third person and your partner didn’t do this because they’d always had some attraction to each other, but rather because it was just an opportunity to try something new.

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You get yourself back

When you were single, you probably did all sorts of wild things that made you feel alive and proud of yourself. It’s a common complaint of people in long-term relationships: “When did we stop having fun? When did we stop doing crazy things?” A threesome can remind you of who you are as a Hot, adventurous woman. It can help you re-find your identity within the relationship, and it can remind you of who your partner is, aside from just that old boyfriend/husband of yours.

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