From Head To Toe: 15 Secrets About The Female Body

September 5, 2012  |  
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After enough men and enough mishaps, you realize that there are some things men just didn’t get the memo on when it comes to the woman’s body. Like these:


Boobs bruise

Sometime after high school, all guys learned—no more hickies! But, that doesn’t mean bruises are a thing of the past. Ever woken up the next morning with black and blue finger prints on your chest? Some men get a little too excited and in the heat of passion, don’t realize that they’re grabbing your breasts as if they’re planning on stealing them. And while it’s nice we get them that excited, it’s not nice wearing turtlenecks for the next week.

We need 4-play

For men, 4-play is a privilege. It’s like whipped cream on top of an already incredible sundae. For women, it’s essential. Without enough 4-play, sex can actually be painful for a woman and even cause small tears in the vajayjay.

Post-coital cuddling

Did you know that when you orgasm, a chemical is released in your body that instantly makes you feel more trusting of the person who gave you that orgasm? That’s why it is particularly hurtful when a guy just rolls away and makes a sandwich immediately after sex. We feel chemically more vulnerable than ever.

Harder never means faster

Ever had a man move like a jack hammer while you’re having sex? It does nothing for a woman. But sometimes, when we say “harder” they hear “faster” and then, as our head is repeatedly hitting the headboard, we regret saying anything at all.

We don’t all PMS

The worst thing that ever happened in the world of menstruation is that men got wind of PMS. Now, if you show any emotion other than complete apathy while on your period, your boyfriend says, “Uh oh, you’re PMS’ing!” And you feel like any of your emotions during menstruation are written off as just that. But guess what? Not all women experience symptoms of PMS! Most women who do, know it. So if a woman is saying, “I really am not PMS’ing! I’m actually pissed!” she is probably telling the truth.

No sex on a full stomach

We know—you think there is nothing sexier than a woman willing to get down on a double chili cheeseburger and onion rings at dinner. But, women don’t want to have sex on a full stomach! Not only do we have a visibly bloated stomach, we can also just become nauseated and feel far too heavy to move around. If we want a salad, men should just let us get a salad. They will be grateful for it in the bedroom.

2+ drinks=0 orgasms

A woman’s ability to orgasm drops drastically with every cocktail. So, whether a guy is trying to liquor you up for a one-night stand, or your long time boyfriend is trying to loosen you up after a sexual dry spell, that’s not the way to go!

We need to mentally prepare for sex

As a woman, you can basically just say to your man, “Let’s have sex” and all of his equipment is ready to go. But for women, it doesn’t work that way. Preparing for sex happens long before you even lay a finger on us. We need to mentally prepare. We need to be relaxed. We need to have been perhaps cuddling with you for a while. We’re complex creatures with a lot happening in our minds and if we hadn’t started imagining having sex before it was even initiated, we can’t fully get into it.

90 degrees does nothing for us

Sure, you get a great view when we’re sitting on top of you, completely erect creating a 90 degree angle with our two bodies, but we hardly feel anything. To please us, on top of clit-0ral stimulation you need to be putting pressure on certain spots inside the vaginal canal. And simply going in and out doesn’t hit those spots. Try a 45-degree angle instead.

Our vaginas get sleepy

The vagina is more sensitive at certain times of the day, and less at others. You may notice that you make your girlfriend orgasm at night easily, but in the morning it takes twice as long or it just doesn’t happen for her. That’s because sometimes our vaginas need time to wake up just like the rest of us does! For the best sex, pay attention to when her vagina is the most “awake.”

We can’t multitask during sex

A man can easily (and will gladly) accept 0-ral sex while his favorite show is on TV across the room, and he’ll fully enjoy both. But, as I mentioned before, women are complex creatures and a lot of our enjoyment from sex comes from being totally mentally into it. We also lose our orgasms very easily and often don’t recover them within that session. So, we might be halfway there, but then something on TV makes us laugh and we lose it completely.

We love back of the neck kisses

If your girlfriend has her back turned towards you and is asleep or resting and you’re trying to get things started, don’t jump on top of her or try to role her over. Just kiss the back of her neck and her upper back, while simultaneously putting your hands all over the front of her. This double stimulation of the front and backs of our bodies works wonders for us.

We can be allergic to your soap

So you’re using lube, there is no risk of an STD, it’s not a urinary tract infection but somehow your partner is still complaining of a burning sensation after sex. It could be your soap! A lot of generic soaps can cause irritation when introduced to the vaginal canal. Try changing soap for about a week and see how your partner responds. If the problem persists (and you’re off condoms), she could be allergic to your sperm…that’s when it’s time to see a doctor.


You need to finish us off

Men whine and complain about being blue balled but it happens to us women, too! It doesn’t necessarily cause us pain but coming very near orgasm, and then being cut off, can leave our vagina in a state of high sensitivity and discomfort. Not to mention it leaves us in a bad mood. If you came too soon, and left us high and dry (figuratively speaking) take a few minutes to breath but then get to work with your hands and/or mouth.

Gentle is key

Push on your own arm and drag your fingers up it. Now, just barely touch your arm and do the same thing. The second act feels better, right? Feels that way for women too. Keep that in mind when kissing our ears, touching our back or in any way applying pressure to us.

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  • Just Me!

    BEST MN Article I’ve read thus far.

  • elliemae

    Alcohol makes sex ace – tipsy sex is better than sober sex anyday

  • Pingback: 15 secrets about the female body |()

  • kasra

    that`s it I`m turning gay *deskflip*

  • ?

    Lots of talk about complex females. Men are more complex than whoever wrote this thinks.
    Sincerely, A sensitive and complex male.

  • Jessica Rene Gillotte

    Sounds like you need a new man.

  • Jessica Rene Gillotte

    ALL women who have menstrual period PMS. It’s a fact of life. Instead of denying it and sounding like a total whiner, stop hanging around people who make offensive comments about PMS. Take the PMS and use it for good. It makes us more intuitive, and therefore more capable of being assertive and trusting our gut. There is an unexplained relationship between women and our intuition. Instead of throwing women under the bus by saying not all women PMS, when they DO, stop tolerating retarded comments.

  • this entire webpage is idiotic and monkey.

  • Does this article apply to civilized human women too?

    • Jessica Rene Gillotte

      This article sounds like it was created for women who date scumbags

  • If you need an article like this to tell you what your woman wants then you might just want to give it up entirely.

    • Jessica Rene Gillotte

      ^^ True story.

  • jtbell

    no they need to make the sandwich my proteins just took a dive

  • katie

    this column should be called “The Stuff I Like in Bed” by Julie Austin. Very few of these apply to the majority of women,

  • … GET ! SUM …

  • italianostaliano

    Actually there are men like me who almost climax and feel somewhat spent sometimes when I make her orgasam with my fingers especially and dont find having sex with a woman who is trashed a desire. Maybe its because even if she was game the night before, she wont show it in the morning trying to remember what happened and looking at you like someone who may have taken advantage of the situation Its not a smile either.

  • Su

    I completely agree with Steph. these all are actually the things that we(female) always expect from our man. no doubt all of them are very useful for men. and, men please dont take it on your ego, only thats the thing which can make a man reactive like this. try and learn to except whats true.

    • logic11

      Really? Then why has my current GF told me that the majority of these tips are a major turnoff for her?

      • Sra C

        Your gf doesn’t represent everyone

        • logic11

          My point was that maybe men should find out if it fits their actual GF, as every woman is an individual. I absolutely wasn’t trying to claim my GF was the standard…

  • Steph

    Listen up MEN who commented… These are all true, some might be more important to some women than other women, pay attention to The woman you are with (the=1, not 2 or 3).
    Also, bob lapolla, you’re an a$$ hole.

  • White women don’t require as much effort as the black women described in this article. This is way too much work except for the parts about making a sandwich after sex or oral during tv. That works for me

    • Andrea Clark

      That’s funny then she’s probably cheating. It doesn’t require that much if I am truly feelin you. If you got it you got it. But the second you think it’s not important to please a woman she could do the same for you no oral nothing run around with some blue balls. Find a woman that’s worth it never cheat, lie or steal and stick with her. Cause you maybe a lazy lover.

  • Sam

    if men were this goddamn picky we’d all be GAY. good lord…

    • italianostaliano

      Sam these tips are given to show men the best possible outcome if taken into concideration, but not necessarily the needs of every woman every time. You can bet they all effect women at some point in time of their lives. You be the expert on when they may have them. Think of yourself too much and youi may need to be gay in order to please someone. Chances are there would be problems with men as well for the very selfish.

  • DUh?

    There are no secrets on this list

  • tymothymichel

    Nonsense. Perhaps 5 out of the 16 I have seen in experience, and that’s over time.This is a filler piece that takes popular tripe and recycles it. Most of the women I know are less gentle, more assertive and they take what they want, gentle my hind end. In some instances yes, but not all the time. Follow this and you’ll be the nerd at the party. Keep your ears open and do what SHE wants when she wants it..there is no formula that works all the time.

    • italianostaliano

      Im sorry but being a white man and reading all 16 of these “tips”
      I came up with every single one of them being plausible and knowing men being one, I can see why women would have all these needs and some clueless guy would respond as you did.

      • logic11

        Sorry, my GF has explicitly told me that most of these tips don’t apply to her… and she’s far from the first girl to have to me that. There are women who love things gentle, who have a hard time maintaining orgasm state, who need to be made ready, etc. and there are women who just want to bang as hard and as often as they can (and there are men who have similar desires, for me watching a TV show while having sex sounds just awful).

        This article is taking things that are very, very individual and trying to make people believe they are universal rules.

    • Jessica Rene Gillotte

      Not necessarily gentle all the time, but a little bit of gentle goes a long way. Some guys don’t know their own strength. While this article is ludicrous, keep in mind that there is a time and place for everything.

  • bob joe bill

    only like 3 or 4 of these so called “secrets” are actually true…and the ones that are are painfully obvious to any one who has had sex before. This column is utterly useless.

  • doesitmatter

    I prefer foreplay my gf hates it…

    • doesitmatter

      #3 lol

  • Rehan

    you can just make it as complicated n problematic as much u want……..

  • Teemj

    In reference to #14, try not to ever be “off condoms” regardless of the length of your relationship or your willingness to trust your partner. Seriously, unless you’ve both been checked RECENTLY and the aim is to actually make a baby, do not be “off condoms”. People try to be righteous and honorable but it’s hard to keep up. No, there never seems to be an adequate excuse for cheating and reckless hurtful behavior, but the least we can do is protect ourselves as best we can from the dumb mistakes that others make. Using condoms is always a great start. Do not suffer for a dumb mistakes. Do not be “off condoms”. be cautious and stay conscious. love

    • Sasquatch

      You fellas are a wide selection of wankers. Women are people, and people come as individuals; treat each indivdual as they prefer, not as you prefer. The pay-off for men is a woman of trust, love, partnership and DAMN great love making. Pard first, lover next, cowboys….

    • italianostaliano

      This seems a hard pill to swallow. Condoms can be just as much a burden for women as men and two healthy people practicing birth control if desired, may enjoy sex that much greater without them.

      One thing my doctor told me many years ago was the best thing I could do for my partner just prior(minutes) to touching her vagina is to wash your hands thoroughly every single time. You would be suprised the kinds of bacteria you pick up just closing the door to the bedroom.

      • Just Me!

        Great points! And YES, I’ve learned to have lovers wash their hands before even cuddling. This helps to avoid the inconvenient run to the bathroom when things are heating up. 😉