Easier Said Than Done? How To Stick With Your Decision To Be Celibate

September 3rd, 2012 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers

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When I share with other women that I practice abstinence, it is usually followed by an inquisitive look. Most want to know how long I’ve been refraining from getting busy and how long much longer I plan on continuing with it. How long? Almost three years. Until when do I plan to hold out? My wedding night. The responses that I usually receive following my answers vary. Sometimes I get the eye roll, which is usually followed by girl-bye-no-one-abstains-in-2012 look. Sometimes I get a “good for you.” Other times I get a response that goes something like, “That’s great, I tried that once, but it didn’t work out,” or the infamous “That’s sweet, but get a little older honey and see if you’re singing that same tune.” However, the most frequent response that I get is “I always thought about it, but I could never do that,” which is probably somewhat true. By telling yourself that you can’t, you’ve already sabotaged yourself.

What many don’t realize is that celibacy isn’t something that is merely physical. From my own personal journey, I’ve come to realize that it is more of a mental battle than anything else. It is about making up your mind that you are going to refrain from sex and wanting it bad enough to truly stick with it, regardless of what opportunity presents itself and who comes along looking to change your mind. While there are plenty of people out there who will preach why you should become or remain celibate, not many are providing enough insight as to how. So, I’ve provided some of the tips that have helped me in my own personal journey, as well as some lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Recognize why you’ve chosen or are considering celibacy - Not knowing the reason why you’re doing something can greatly hinder your progress and success. I personally decided to abstain from sex for religious reasons. As a Christian, the Bible advises against participating in premarital sex. While I had already made the mistake of engaging in sex outside of marriage, I didn’t wish to continue with it. I no longer have the gift of virginity to give to my future husband; however, I didn’t wish to continue giving away what I did have to a guy that was undeserving of it.

Inform your current sexual partner (if you have one) that you’ve kissed that life goodbye – Unless you plan on cutting all ties with the current boyfriend or friend with benefits that you’ve been engaging with, then you should probably inform them that you will no longer be taking part in the festivities. Now, I can’t guarantee you that their response will be the most encouraging, because realistically speaking, it probably won’t, but verbally putting it out there takes pressure off of you and it decreases expectations.

Refrain from putting yourself in compromising situations – Just because you’ve chosen to take on the challenging task of locking down the goods, that doesn’t mean you’re superwoman. You are still human. With that in mind, try to avoid putting yourself in situations that might tempt you to give in to your desires. We’re sexual beings and to think that because you’ve decided to be celibate you are somehow exempt from getting “turned on” is foolish.

Don’t lead him on – Participating in 4-play knowing that you don’t have any intentions of going all the way is crazy. Besides, celibacy means abstaining from all sexual activities, not just the main attraction. By doing this you also make things more difficult (tempting) for yourself. It is unfair to him as well.

Inform anyone that you are seriously dating or considering seriously dating of your decision - This just helps you to avoid headaches in the long run, it always shows you where your love interest’s head is at. First, it puts everything on the table. You are letting it be known upfront that sex is not on your agenda. Allow them to then make the decision from there whether or not they wish to continue a relationship with you.

Align yourself with other women like you – The decision to be celibate can be challenging at times. Having support from people that have embarked on similar journeys can be really helpful and encouraging, especially on those rough days.

Be selective with the men you choose to date – Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man is really difficult, some would even call it impossible. Practicing celibacy while dating a sexually active man who doesn’t respect your decision to be celibate is a recipe for disaster. It’s probably in your best interest to date those who have also made a decision to practice abstinence.

Control your thoughts – There will be times where your mind wants to wander back to how it used to be. You’d be surprised at how vivid and accurate your memory can be sometimes. You have the ability to be in control of your thoughts. While you may not be able to completely filter the thoughts that pop into your head, you can definitely decide what you choose to dwell on.

What are some things that you found helpful during your journey with celibacy?

Jazmine Denise is a  freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise


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  • Pingback: Celibate alternatives | Asianevangelis

  • MLS2698

    Duh, now my first post shows!!!!

  • Cheryl

    I have tried to be celibate twice. The first time it was for two years and then I allowed a long time friend to get too close and now my relationship with God doesn’t seem to be the same. I don’t want to go too deep here, but I need a true relationship with God and being celibate helps along with prayer and just being plain ole honest (just be real about it). Yes, I do want a husband and I will have one but we have to be able to hold on to what God says and still live in this world. That means you’re going to have to date (I can’t say I want a Ph.D and never go through the process of admission). Be true to yourselves!

  • STARO

    O.k. I understand celibacy; I practice it too 3+ years. However, I feel waiting until marriage is probably unrealistic for black women since many of us will never see the inside of wedding gown!!! You’d have to be living in a cave not to know that we are less likely to get married than all other races in the U.S.
    So, I think the motivation and er . . expiration date on the whole celibacy thing needs to be seriously thought out. I’m there, right there. Personally, celibacy or the better yet, the maintenance, explanation of it, preservation of it and motivation for it, is proving to be no less taxing than going through the rigors of a healthy adult relationship!!! Clearly, I’m at the “Why” am I doing this point. I know there is more to me that is pleasing to God than my decision to not to fornicate. I’m more than my vagina! right???

    • OSHH

      Obedience pleases God!

    • MLS2698

      It’s not taxing. The only response needed is what OSHH said. Fornication is at the top of the list because it merges spirits, and you don’t want to be connected spiritually to anything NOT of God, do you?

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I’ve been celibate for 4 years after I filed for divorce from my ex and I’ve been feeling real good about it. So glad my fiance respected my decision to be celibate because and we can have more fun together than have s3x all the time. Plus I have friends who had guys hit it and quit it and encouraged them to go celibate.

  • maxine

    I don’t think it’s hard being celibate. The only thing that is difficult about celibacy is men not respecting a celibate female in a committed relationship. Men are dogs, they ravel in sexuality. They don’t want to their sexuality challenged whether your celibate or a virgin. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I never heard or seen a man who respected a female’s choice to being celibate!! I’ve seen men label their status as celibate on dating sites. But let’s keep it real, they are only listing this status on dating sites to score points with the ladies.If there are men who respect celibacy, I would like to know where they are located?!!!LOL. Since the only men I have seen are those who despise celibacy or those who preach Godly words by day and get nookie by night. Besides that, I was just thinking about the TV show, Girlfriends, when Lynn was dating Savad (a celibate poet). It showed the ups and downs of a celibate relationship. I found it to be entertaining, yet refreshing. Even though, the celibate status was a man in Lynn’s relationship, she was committed to him!!! Unlike a male, who would automatically ditch a celibate female, if he knew her status in a relationship.

    • Pivyque

      Well, my husband respected my decision. Granted, he made the choice to be celibate before we met, so it wasn’t a big deal to him, but every year he agrees to stop having sex a month leading up to our anniversary. It’s hard and sometimes he regrets that agreement lol but it’s nice to have that build up. It makes for a great anniversary!

    • Da Truth

      I stayed celibate for 3 yrs bc both my wife and I are Christians. We wanted to live life God’s way.

  • WHOISBSQUARED?

    WHAT I LEARNED FROM THESE PAST MONTHS REFRAINING FROM SEX……..IDLE TIME GIVES TIME TO THE UNTHINKABLE……..ALWAYS KEEP URSELF BUSY, THEN UR MIND CANT MAKE U DO THINGS THAT U KNOW U SHOULDNT B DOING, I AGREE WITH U SO MUCH WHEN U SAID ITS NOT THE EMOTIONAL, ITS MOSTLY MENTAL THAT MAKES US THINK ABOUT SEX…..WITH THE SEED PLANTED IN OUR MINDS, ONLY TIME WILL TELL THAT IT’LL GROW………….

    • Negress

      “Sex is in the mind. By the time you get to the bed, it’s all over with.” -Rev. Jackie McCullough.

  • Machelle Kwan

    I”m celibate and don’t plan on changing any time soon. R elations outside of marriage or committed relationship just leaves the door open for heartache and it’s sinful. Plus I just realized that dating is a waste of time and i’m better off alone.

    • MLS2698

      Lawd! You ALMOST sound like me! I have been doing much better since being alone for the past six years ( busy with school, building skills), but I won’t say dating is a waste of time because if you are interested in marriage one day, you will have to eventually get to know him first. In my case, a man might have to ring my doorbell for me to meet him. * shrug*

    • OSHH

      If it GODS will for Michelle or ML or any other woman to get married then she will get married without having to play the dating games/revolving door of dudes/process of elimination. God will cause the right men to cross their paths at the right time.

      • MLS2698

        Thank you! My response was moderated ( no bad words), but I’m sure it will show later.

      • STARO

        Faith without works is DEAD! Like I said before, that is magical thinking. It’s that thinking that keeps so many faithfilled black women tragically single. Waiting for a perfect man to drop out of the sky with no effort on their part. Meanwhile, they gain 100lbs and grow bitterness in their hearts for blessings they think have been denied! Shame on you for perpetuating this fantasy of faith as and serendipity . . .

        • olivia

          What you are saying is true. I have told this to people and they look at me like I am crazy…Churches are full of black women who for some reason believe that husbands just fall out of the sky. When it comes to finding a mate, you have to be proactive.

          • STARO

            @Olivia: It seems like the concept of dating as a pathway to marriage is foreign concept in the church world! People laud celibacy as avenue to sainthood and an excuse not to make the effort to date. Honestly, I think some people use celibacy as a means of NOT putting themselves up to the experience of forging relationships of any kind with the opposite sex. This hiding out makes a woman even more vulnerable to the “brother” who has all outward appearances of heavenly perfection, but has ill intentions. Dudes know thirsty, lonely, underexposed church women are willing prey. Also, I find the most vocal advocates of celibacy to be people I find least likely to attract a sexual companion or those who have no buisness speaking on the topic (i.e. Married folks!). All suspect IMO! By the way, I’m celibate for 3+ years. I don’t have an engagement ring, an extra 100lbs,, a Girl Scout badge or a halo . . . it is what it is.

            • olivia

              “Also, I find the most vocal advocates of celibacy to be people I find least likely to attract a sexual companion”

              *********************************************************************************************
              True Story…the last church I was in stressed to the women that it was a “sin” to be “overly concerned” with their looks. Thus, many of the women were content with looking a hot mess. They put no effort into being feminine or cute. They were pretty girls, but not “attractive” if you know what I mean.

              All men (including Christian men) want a pretty girl on their arm at the end of the day. You don’t have to dress provocatively but you don’t have to be frumpy either.

              That’s all…

              • MLS2698

                You can find a s3xual partner anywhere, but that’s not what I need! And I have never been some busted church troll with dresses that reach the ankle, and the belief that women can’t wear make-up or trending styles with modesty.

            • MLS2698

              You’re three kinds of strange because I was married for 17 years, and know a whole lot more than you. You are the one fantasizing about hitting the man jackpot, and hoping for a chance to be someones wife. You keep pulling them ” man levers”, baby……see what you get! I didn’t look for the first husband, so I sure ain’t looking for another!

          • MLS2698

            Okay, so my post didn’t show. I have been celibate for six years ( a vow I made to God), but I am NOT looking for a Husband ( had one before), and am not interested in hitting the ” man ” lottery. MY situation is not time/goal based, and has nothing to do with s3xual primes. The last part of my post was a joke about the ringing the door bell. OSHH described what will truly happen to people who let faith work. No one needs to go IN SEARCH OF a mate if they wait for GOD ( may need to fix some things with ME, first) Again, I’m not looking, and will not. If I meet someone with similar standards, I wouldn’t mind meeting that person for dinner/ getting to know them, but THAT hasn’t happened, yet. So………..

    • Negress

      That sounds like the lottery, “You gotta play to win.”

      • MLS2698

        Yes, and I ain’t trying to end up with three lemons, or snake eyes! That’s cray!

        • STARO

          Please let me know when ‘Mr.’ falls from the sky or magically appears at your front door. You sound frightened and a bit deluded. Seriously.

  • Negress

    I have to take myself out of the loop and hang back a bit during ovulation and right before the red winged fairy visits. The more you date the more you fornicate. It’s like walking a tight rope wrought with tension. You have to be very intentional about situation and circumstance planning accordingly.

    • Pivyque

      The more you date, the more you fornicate? That’s not true. You don’t have to have sex with every person you date. There may be more temptation, but that doesn’t mean that you have to give in to it.

      • STARO

        Thanks for this! Jeez . . . dating=fornication??? Negress, is every dudes dream!

  • Kris

    The refusal to go back to the type guys ive dated before keeps me grounded in my decision to be celibate. Im taking my time with dating, hoping for a deeper connection and a strong liking for the next guy im with.

    Its the realization and feeling of knowing you deserve better.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      THATS WHAT I WANT TOO……..I WANT BETTER FOR MYSELF

  • Candacey Doris

    I hang out with lesbians. Alright, i’m sort of joking. But my friends who are not interested in men are great help in keeping me focused. I also hang out with men that aren’t interested in me and women who are married and don’t go to the club.Generally having friends not interested in going out and getting laid is good.

    • MLS2698

      Lol! What do the friends who are not interested in men keep you focused on?

      • Candacey Doris

        Drama mostly! They all have “interesting” lives and i am the bore. Considering some of their drama, i don’t mind.

        • MLS2698

          Lol! I thought you were going to say they convince you that the ” D ” is overrated. The latter part of your post is a good plan, though.

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  • Sabree

    I always keep in mind who I’m doing it for (God) and that is one promise I do not ever want to break. So trusting in Him and fervent prayer also helps a ton. :)

    • C

      So true. Got to be prayerful.

  • Treacle234

    As long as you make up your mind to be celibate, I’m it can be achieved.

    • guest

      I agree. It’s really not that hard to refrain from sex if that is what you really want to do.

      But I guess that everyone is different and it may be harder for some.

      • Pivyque

        Yeah, it is harder for some than others. My friend told me that her husband was gone for a week or something on business and she almost died of withdrawal!! She told me that she had to masturbate at least twice before she even left for work in the morning. I couldn’t do anything but laugh! I know the feeling, but twice?? Before work?? She had me rolling lol