You Should Take Things Slow, But How Slow Is Too Slow? 7 Signs You’ve Been Put In The Dreaded “Gray Zone”

August 23rd, 2012 - By Clarke Gail Baines

Source: Bossip

There’s a difference between finding yourself in the “friend zone,” and finding yourself in a “gray zone” when it comes to dating. When you’ve been put in the friend zone, someone, for reasons that could include not being fully attracted to you, not wanting a relationship or just being straight up repulsed by you, doesn’t feel the same way you do. Therefore, they keep you close because they find some benefit in having you around, yet and still, they don’t want to take things further. And oh yeah, they let you know that you’re “just the friend.”

But when you’re put in the gray zone, you’re not the girlfriend/boyfriend, nor are you “just a friend.” You’re just there. In fact, you’re just around, going over to his house, waiting on his phone calls and pretty much “talking,” but with no firm statement of what the hell you two are, are what you’re doing. Don’t you hate that s**t!? A lot of the crap that comes with ending up in the gray zone can be resolved if early on, you tell someone your intentions and make sure they get it: “I’m looking for something more. I don’t have time to play games.” But sometimes we don’t make ourselves 100 percent clear, and in the end, we end up waiting for the other person to make the move that tells us whether we should keep waiting or whether we should head back to Match.com (kidding!). So how do you know when you’ve been relegated to such a place? We’ve got some ideas…seeing as how we’ve been there:

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  • Mackenzie Rae

    I ran like Hell was bubbling over when I saw some of these signs with a guy that was well past the age for these kinds of games (lol). I have to add that if the two of you are only in touch consistently when you initiate contact, girl, you just bought a house in the gray zone. Any man that wants you will make himself relevant and visible in your life — whether long distance or down the street. Just because a man does not dislike you doesn’t mean he likes you enough to deserve your attention. <– that was a word (lol). You have to be honest with where you are. If you want a commitment, and he's playing the field…don't expect anything but gray. Dismiss yourself (for your own sake) and deal with men that are upfront about wanting the things that match what you want. A few things: Follow your gut; Don't be so taken by flattery that you can't look at a man soberly and see if his actions match his words — let's stop connecting so quickly…you can prevent a lot of gray if you keep your tail on the black or white side, and don't slide over all willy nilly (lol); Go to a man about men…no matter how wise you believe you and your friends are, you can't understand a man's actions/patterns of actions like another man will; Fill your life with friends, family and other activities, so that even if the guy you're digging rolls out, you have great outlets and things to keep your mind off of it. Also, you're not being a bitter Black woman if you reject a man that is good, but, perhaps, not good for you. Don't stay in the gray with a good man just because he's got good qualities. What is good FOR YOU is out there, and the disinterested chap (yes…chap, lol), is just taking his space. FREE YOURSELF GIRL!

  • Tam Tam

    This article speaks soo many volumes!! This kind of relates to me and friends of mine…I didn’t even know of this term the ‘Grey Zone’! Thank you so much for this article!

  • Sara

    I can completely relate to this article. I feel as if I am in the gray but other times I feel as if I’m in a secret fake relationship. I met this guy online (I know I know). We have been talking for months and that’s it. Granted we live in different cities so it makes it hard. But I’m moving to NY for my masters program soon and he’s in CA, so idk. He wants to take it day by day….

    I just don’t know. I know, I know. I need to leave him alone.

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  • aliengirl

    Yikes, yes it gets tough. This whole dating world is really for the birds. Do this, don’t do that. Don’t tell him how you really feel or you will get labelled as “emotional.” When he mistreats you, respond with distance instead of calling him out on it. Don’t be your naturally kind and caring self, be bitchy towards him and he’ll roll out the red carpet to win your heart. Don’t have sex with him unless he is making you wifey, even though he fools you into thinking you are wifey and you have needs of your own.

    Love it or hate it, the dating game is what it is these days. Men aren’t naturally chivalrous and it is one big test, one big, incredibly frustrating game of cat and mouse to get to the “promised land” of getting a man to truly commit. It makes me wonder a lot of times, if women in previous generations dealt with the same problems.

    But once you are in that gray area…maybe you’ve committed a few of these cardinal sins mentioned in this article…sure you are attractive, can handle your own business, and you have your own life outside of him…but still you’ve been too sweet, too understanding, too tolerant of bullsh!t behavior, how do you reverse it and change course? I would love to hear from some ladies who have had to deal with being in the gray but were able to turn things around and wound up in loving long term relationships

    • Pivyque

      How does he fool you into thinking you are wifey? Is the marriage certificate fake? Some men are naturally chivalrous, you have to be selective. If they aren’t naturally that way, you can teach them. I don’t think women should listen to half the dating advise out there. The point of dating is to find someone that can love and accept you. If you can’t express your feelings, why are you there? If you can’t call him out on his behavior, how does he know to adjust it? If you aren’t yourself, is he really even interested in you? I can’t speak for everyone, but I have to be myself. Before I started dating my husband, I let him know what I expected from him and what he shouldn’t expect from me. We were clear on our expectations. To be honest, it is not that hard to get a guy to truly commit. First, he has to want to or, at the very minimum, be open to the idea. Second, there needs to be a separation between casually dating, a committed relationship and marriage (if that is your goal). Now days the line between the 3 is very blurred. People sleep with, move in with and have kids with someone that they don’t even want to be with long term. It may seem old fashioned, but I always suggest waiting. It might be hard, but I can only speak from experience and it worked out great for me. Be patient and wait for sex.. I always suggest until marriage, but you don’t have to wait until marriage if you don’t want to, just long enough to be able to see how he consistently acts and treats you (that itself can take up to a year), wait to move in together…I always suggest waiting until marriage for this because I believe that the whole “try before you buy” concept means that you aren’t fully committed in the first place, BUT a lot of people would just like to know what it’s like. I think it takes all the fun out of being a newlywed. lol Wait to mix finances…take a minute to learn how he handles money before putting yours at risk and wait to have kids. Nothing is more stressful on a relationship than kids. They need a lot of attention and time. They are also expensive lol So, take time to enjoy each other before bringing another person into the mix. You just have to find someone that is on the same page. The only way to know is to communicate and be honest with yourself and the person about what you really want. To wrap this dang monologue up!! Make sure that you are ready for everything you say that you want. A lot of people ask for things and don’t know what to do once they get it! :-) Good Luck!

      • Darcampb

        You sound like you have good sense. Very sound advice!!

        • Pivyque

          :-) Thanks! I can’t take all the credit though. Those are just some of the things that my grandmother taught me.

      • Kellzzzz

        :) )))) I love it.. Good sensible advice

    • Pleasantries

      I couldn’t have wrote this better myself.

  • MsV

    As a woman you should NEVER continue to have sex with a man who is indifferent to you. Men have conquered nations, began wars, built monuments for women so it does not make any sense to bed a man who does not treat you as if you hold the keys to the universe. Do not make any excuses for a man’s mistreatment of you and do not accept any excuses from a man. Period. Remember as a woman in a relationship your focus is YOU not him, love or the relationship. You entered and will depart your life with you. Every woman’s mantra to a potential lover should be, ” I have never been in a relationship with a man who treated me bad. And you will not be the exception.”

    • wepo1

      As a woman you should not have sex with a man period without a commitment because when you do it lowers your worth!

      A female virgin is worth 10x her weight in gold!

      A whoe is worthless and is treated that way!

      Black women need to stop being so easy and have standards and values!

  • Darcampb

    Gray zone = he’s just not into you pretty much every time. Run! Get out of that fake relationship! The person is just playing with you, trust. And there’s really nothing “gray” about that at all

    • Kellzzzz

      LOL, love it but its sooo true.. Nothing good will come out of it. You will be waiting miserable until he leaves you alone…

  • Kimster

    Reading too much into a few things someone does is a great point. You have to look at the entire, consistent package. These days, guys will introduce you to his friends and/or family and it means nothing (except maybe his mom is going to make him some good grub and you just happen to be tagging along). The good friend of a guy I was once dating actually told me he had a non-serious streak about him. Too true. Thanks for the look out. lol

  • Talenn

    Wow everyone relates to me. I am in the ”grey zone” with my ex boyfriend. Two months after we broke up it seems we couldn’t stay away from eachother for so long , we started acting like boyfriend/girlfriend but we didnt claim eachother and i was the only one actually trying to make it work. Now he found a new girlfriend, I kinda felt hurt but my pride is so huge i had the ”i dont care attitude”. I kept a smile on my face and far as im concerned he think that didn’t affect me at all. Ever since than i kept my distance from him, but at the same time when we are together it is still this intense feeling. He looks at me a certain way like he want me there so when he is done with her he can come back to me or something.

    • Kellzzzz

      Girl don’t play those games with him… You will forever be his fall back chick.

      • GalaxyEmpress

        Amen!!!!

    • GalaxyEmpress

      Yes, he’s just using you as a fuller until he can get with a woman he really wants, keep waiting around if you want too. To him you just aren’t good enough to be with, that’s why he chose some one over you. Accept it for it is……

    • http://www.facebook.com/capablehandsmassagetherapy Doria Patterson

      Staying in this type of “relationship” is like driving down a dead-end street: It gets you nowhere. Know your worth, broaden your horizons and keep it moving. Take care!

    • cheekee baby

      Face it he’s not into you. Sure he likes having sex with you. Sure he likes the convenience of spending time with you when he’s in between relationships but as far as being with you and only you? He’s not interested. See If you guys are still ‘cool’ once you let it be known that you are talking to and seeing other men. That is if you care enough to even play those types of games with him.

      Wise up honey and never ever again allow a man to make you one of his options.

  • Nope

    Women attract women. A man’s stock goes up with other women when another women is in the picture, so maybe a man is just keeping you around until that happens and one he’s actually interested in comes along. And it’s interesting how so many women would rather live in the gray zone than risk their deep fear of rejection.