At every new stage of maturity, I loved him. When I was 18, naïve and green, I puppy loved him to death. At 21, when I realized relationships weren’t always going to be sweet nothings and passionate French kisses – I did my best to prove to him how willing I was to fight for us. He told me he didn’t want me anymore. I got familiar with the depths of depression, eating only three times and crying for the better part of two weeks. The only way to describe the hurt is that I felt like I was standing naked in the middle of a highway and I could see the truck coming for me, but I couldn’t move. That dose of rejection felt like I was hit by a truck. Head-on. Full-force.
And still, after months of not speaking, swearing I would never interact with him again, the moment he would text me, I would fall in love again. Dying to prove my adoration. Wanting him to want me just as much as I wanted him.
He didn’t and he never would.
Some say I was dumb. Some say I have daddy issues. Some say that it’s alright and that I can’t help who I loved. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and theories. And all of the above hold some element of truth. But was I going to live out the rest of my twenties, pining away for a BOY who could not make up his mind? Was I going to wait for him to catch up and get his act together? Was I going to shut out any and every possible “Mr. Do Right” for that one “Mr. Do Wrong” who did so much wrong I could never really get to the root of why I ever thought he could potentially do right?
I had some serious questions to ask myself. And I did. Even though I still loved him a great deal, I was weary of giving him my heart and ending up his victim. I was tired of putting myself on the line and looking around to realize that he wasn’t standing next to me. Was it time for me to walk away? Hell yes. Did I really want to? Hell no. How did I do it?
I just…STOPPED.
After the last offense (him making light of a serious near-death experience I had – to put it mildly) I shed a tear or two – nowhere near as many as I had in the past – and I deleted his number. I blocked him on Facebook. I told myself, “This is it. No more.”
It was all I could do every single day to keep from calling him to ask how his day had been or “accidentally” texting him to have ANY kind of conversation. But I realized for every day that I did not contact him, he did not contact me. Just like that. It hurt like nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. But I maintained. I kept telling myself, “In a week it won’t hurt this bad. In two months this will be a memory…” That’s how I got through. Moment to moment.
There comes a time when you really, truly, madly, deeply have to realize your worth. A time when you have to say, “Enough is enough.” You’re only treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Your constant groveling for his love leaves you helpless, powerless. It proves that you have absolutely no concept of your own value. Groveling doesn’t have to be physically kneeling and begging. It’s in the little things like allowing him to come over at 4 a.m. when you know good and well he’s been out with other women. It’s in playing the role of the girlfriend/wife when he has made NO effort to give you the title. It’s in texting him constantly, deciphering every message he sends back, hoping there is some glimmer of affection reciprocated.
It took me some time, but I do speak to my ex now. I made that decision because I didn’t want to live my life hating him or being afraid to see him with someone else. I had to know that I moved on. For me this was the test to see if I was really over him. He has a girlfriend and contacts me on a semi-regular basis. I ask where his girlfriend is. He changes the subject. He’s unhappy. I’m single but in “talks” with an amazing guy who has been in my life for a few years now, waiting for the stars to align for us. *Cue cheesy grin* I’m content where I am. I gathered up all the love I had poured into him over the years and began showering it on myself, my family and friends.
When you make the decision to walk in your worth, wholly and completely – love and its full bounty open to you. We live in the era of over-the-top reality television where relationship problems are turned into complex quadratic equations for the sake of drama and Nielsen ratings when in reality it is NOT. THAT. HARD. WE choose to complicate things. Love, itself is as uncomplicated as a river’s flow.
So, when do you stay? When do you let it go? YOU know. You know in your heart when it’s time to walk away. You know when you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and need to put more effort into the relationship. What are you worth? What is your time worth? What is your love worth? You choose. You know what you deserve. You know your own mistakes. You know his. You know what you can forgive and forget. You know your dealbreakers. You know what is unreasonable and you know what isn’t. Make no more excuses. Quit pinning your hopes to an unstable man. Leave all half-a**ing to the reality stars. If it’s right, you know. Do the work. If it’s wrong, you know that too. Leave the jerk. You hold all the cards. Pack them up and wait on someone who plays fair. The win will be worth the wait for the both of you.
La Truly is a late-blooming Aries with lots to say. Her writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and positive change. Check out her thoughts/jokes/rants on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and her young women’s empowerment blog: http://www.hersoulinc.com.
