Why I Wish We Would Stop Advising Black Women To Date Outside The Race

August 17th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Interracial Dating"

Source: socialtickmag.com

If I had to make a list of the stuff that I don’t like, advising single Black women to date outside of the race would be at the very top. I just want to find whoever started that “70 percent of Black women are single” conversation and put them on a rocket ship to outer space with whoever first volunteered that “the solution is to date outside of your race” remark.

I don’t even remember when it started, but apparently, of all of the solutions presented for this so-called “issue”, interracial dating somehow emerged as the groundbreaking cure-all. But I guess as long as you convince people there’s a sickness, anything can be marketed as the antidote.

The latest person to capitalize on this mythical “issue” by spewing this illogical advice is a blogger named Christelyn Karazin. She already has a book you may have heard of (I hadn’t!) called “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race, Culture, and Creed”. Recently, a production company picked up feature film rights to the movie. No other information on the movie has been released yet, but the author says the book is  “a dating wake-up call for African American women”.

A wake-up call because not dating interracially implies that you’re sleeping? What kind of silliness is that?  This is the stuff I do not like.

I don’t like the fact that these women (and men) are out here encouraging Black women to date outside of their race like it’s a fad, a trend or even a novel idea. I don’t like it because then it makes it seem like women (like me) who happened to be married to someone of a different race did so because that’s the popular advice of today.

This “should we” or “shouldn’t we” interracial dating debate goes on ad nauseam in the black blogosphere with people speaking out passionately on both sides. Then in the middle you have people like me who honestly do not care and wish that everyone would just stop talking about it – even those that are supposedly in support of it! Especially those that are supposedly in support of it.

Why? Because people who think they’re giving well-meaning advice by saying “Black women should date outside of their race” are really just perpetuating the fallacy that Black women (who want to) don’t date outside of their race already.  In fact, there are plenty of Black women who have dated or married a non-Black person and it isn’t because they’ve applied some sort of warped logic and panic-stricken thinking to their love lives. It’s not because they’re out of options or answered a “wake up call” either. These women just happened to fall in love with someone who isn’t Black because they don’t regard race in dating or marriage and they certainly don’t view their marriage as some sort of “movement”.

It’s amazing how much Black people have begun making interracial marriage a huge issue again. Since this “Single Black Women” conversation started, women who happened to have married outside of the race begin being used by both sides of the useless argument. Some will prop her up as an example of how to “win” in relationships while the others will use her as an example of what’s wrong with the state of “Black Love”. Some Black women want her to give advice on how to meet White men and others want her to prove she doesn’t have something against Black men. People assume that she is in it for the “pretty babies” and others say that she doesn’t want her children to have black features. People think she either found the “secret” or is “self-hating”.

It’s exhausting and insane. Personally, I am sick to death of people expecting me to either encourage them to “leave these Black men alone” or insinuating that my marriage is some sort of gimmick and a direct response to trendy advice. Maybe there are some Black women who have taken a look at their lackluster love lives and decided that Black men were the problem, so they made a conscious decision to date or marry someone of another race. I am not one of those women. In fact, I think that any woman who believes that a husband being White (or Black) will insure her against infidelity or divorce or general unhappiness is just delusional. I believe that because it’s not about race at all. We definitely shouldn’t be basing matters of the heart on something as arbitrary, dubious, and fickle as pop culture relationship advice. Just marry who you love and love who you marry — and assume that others are doing the same.

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →

  • Pingback: The discussion you wish we’d stop talking about, but I’m adding to it anyway « Do.Dream.Aisha

  • enoughsaid99

    People have a right to date who they want to date, just do not use it as an excuse that their is no available black men, and for the record not everyone wants to get married. Also,there are 6 million single black and white women. People are just using black women as a way to sell books, and make movies. Get over it, and get a life!

  • La-Dee-Dah

    Agree for the most part with the author. The whole get your very own “white” prince charming thing is getting old. It’s big fat myth that every I/R is a perfect one where the guy is always romantic, always buys flowers, always keeps the seat down, etc. Ever since age 16, I’ve dated the rainbow, and at nearly age 52, I can tell you men, just like dogs, come in all colors. Some dogs are good and well behaved, other dogs are not so much. Has nothing to do with the color. When it comes to dating outside the race, here’s what I say: It’s ok to be open to opportunities, but don’t be an opportunist, if you know what I mean. If a Black finds that she meets a nice and sweet white man in the natural course of living her life, and they start to date and wind up falling in love and getting married and having a family, fine, but know that doesn’t always happen any more than if one sticks to dating only within the race. Waiting for Prince Charming (of any race) to rescue is a sure way to lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Have your act together before dating anyone, regardless of race.

  • Kiki J

    I totally understand where this artlicle is coming from. I do think that single black women shouldn’t date interracially just because their single, but it also makes sense that if one opens up their dating pool that they will better the odds of them finding a mate.

  • cheekee baby

    I’m not sure if there is a movement so to speak for black women to date interracially. but there certainly is a notable influx of black men choosing that option. If anything I hear more black women than not avowing that they would never date a white guy or any man other than black and the ideal sickens them. I have always dated without racial bias. If you’re handsome to me than your handsome. My experiences overall have varied and it had nothing to do with the guy’s race. You have to have an honest dialogue about what it is you really want and the means that is mostly likely to give you the result you are seeking.

  • http://www.facebook.com/butrphly.love Butrphly Love

    Interesting comments. Well, I will say this dating interracially is not a solution it is an option. I think what people are trying to say is to be open minded to dating outside the race. Also, just because you date outside the race does not mean that you will find your “Huxable”. There are many women out there who make bad decisions when it comes to relationships period and they need to heal and look at themselves before dating anyone. If you have a history of choosing a horrible man it will not change when you switch races unless you self evaluate. Once you have done that then you can date whomever and make good dating decisions.

  • http://twitter.com/Jaye_Vibes Jillian ♡

    I appreciate the article for the simple fact that it sheds light on certain stigmas about black women in interracial relationships (which are very real). I also like that she addresses the whole “single black woman epidemic” nonsense — that definitely needs to stop. But things like this still bug me. People are steady hating or trying to tell you how to live your life. Just like she doesn’t agree with people telling black women to date outside of their race, I don’t think she should tell people not to advise it. Let people find their own route to happiness.

  • Na Na

    Every article by Alissa in Pink is about somebody hating on her and her husband. Newsflash…if you found such happiness in a husband outside of your race why wold you discourage other women from finding that same happiness?

  • Live_in_LDN

    I actually agree with the sentiments of this article. I’m British and I date all races of people but I don’t make a song and dance out of it and I don’t encourage my friends to do so as if it would cure all of their problems. When I read a lot of blogs that cater to African American women they make such a massive deal about interaccial dating like it’s so radical when really it isn’t…

  • On_Point

    who freakin cares, there are more import things in life to worry about than who is dating who. #getyourlife

  • I agree

    I agree with the writer’s sentiment. This is my first time reading her articles, I’ve only read a few things here at madame noire in the past. But I must say the whole idea of the book and movie is that some white knight (literally) will come in and swoop all forlorned sisters off their feet. When often the issue with the less than 42% of sistas who never marry (does not mean never find sustained relationships…nor mention the fact that the percentage is less than the brothas who never marry) is that many have issues that should be worked out internally, and cannot be fixed through marrying anyone else.

    Yes I do question people who push the issue of “dating out” because I want to know what motivates them. Too often they are coming from a negative place, as I believe is the case with the author of Swirling. Before you jump on a person’s bandwagon, you should dig deeper. If she only speaks negatively about black men who are not related to her, she has an issue. If she constantly compares black men to men of other races, she has an issue. She’s holding onto some resentment. I can promise you that. Swirling hasn’t cured her issue…had it done so, she would probably not build an entire brand around it. She would contently enjoy her life. Instead she constantly battles with people about “swirling”. That cannot be healthy. There is something at the core that she does not share with the public. Believe that.

  • Kayla

    This the dumb. Don’t nobody say none when black men date outside they race. But I do encourage us to date outside our race. Bc these ninjas ain’t ish, but I don’t blame them bc they daddy probably wasnt ish either.

  • Reale Heyward

    No matter what people say, I honestly believe that women want a “good man”, irregardless of color. A woman who knows her self worth and can be realistic with a person and his character can see past his color. Personally, I may be attracted to one color over another but that never ostracizes the chance of being happy with someone. I don’t like people telling women or men to date outside their race because men and women have the wonderful opportunity to meet so many different people of different cultures. So to tell a person they have to outside their race in order to be happy sounds insane to me. A person who wants a serious relationship with a “serious” person, will date who they like when they like, no matter what other people say. Dating outside my race has never been an issue for me, but to each his own.

  • MixedUpInVegas

    What is the point of this article? Is it that what is good for Alissa Henry is not good for other Black women? And if that is so, then why is it so?
    Her pointed remarks at Christelyn Karazin speak volumes. Any woman who reads Black Women’s Empowerment blogs knows that there are many writers who are urging our sisters to expand their horizons and embrace new possibilities. Why single out Ms. Karazin? A little jealous, are we, Alissa, that she is more successful than you are?
    And if you are, as you say, weary of the subject of interracial dating, do yourself and the reading public a favor and stop talking about it! Your whining is getting tiresome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/BWDeserveBetter BlackWomen DeserveBetter

    Had a sinking feeling this hit piece was going to be based off of some personal vendetta. And yes Ma’am, I am another one of those big, bad
    author/bloggers who strongly
    urges Black women to expand their options in regards to dating and other life
    choices. Our group make no qualms about maintaining this position: Black women must consider men from
    all racial/ethnic backgrounds to maximize success with interpersonal relations…

    Ladies, IMO the author cares nothing about whether or not you find love and/or form intact, legitimate families. If it were up to her, Black women would continue to beat the same tired drum in silence!

  • http://twitter.com/DTFunkyChocolat Dannie

    I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to advise black women to try dating outside their race, it seems that a lot Black women are sitting around waiting for a Black guy to approach them, and are closed minded to anyone else. But the problem with that is that they may be throwing away a chance good, man who can love and treat them the way that every woman want to be treated. I’m not saying that Black women should go chasing after a non black man (I find that weird and kind of annoying that people do that), but that if one approaches her that she not turn them down just cause he’s not black.

  • Cassandra Benz

    Well, just read her post. Not
    yet the comments underneath, though: but she has the right to object (#free
    speech) but she seems to be pretty angry, however… I do not understand why is
    she taking that so personally and not very lady like… furthermore, she is in
    an IR so what the point, really? To me she just need to vent on an hot trending
    topic & did exactly as such. I’m rather more concerned pertaining to the
    plateform she is using. I don’t see the point really. Why would MADAME NOIRE even
    features this kind of article?! But I noticed before that MADAME NOIRE was pro-
    black marriage when I fell on a yt where she was or a journalist of hers was
    interviewing an famous actor, I knew from that moment forward what was their
    angle.(& once again that’s her plain obvious right) but still since that
    moment I discontinued following her on twitter or youtube but on other hand I do
    have FB friends who swears by her website (for some kind of inspiration to
    write blogs…).Yet, to me it seem to be more a direct attack channelled
    towards on our sis Christelyn Russell-Karazin & on that, I would say that definitely
    not cool from her part as obviously WE are a movement so why targetting this
    precious soul publickly (as she is as a matter of fact giving a big service to
    the society by sharing what she knows, experiences & celebrates) if its not
    done in love and compassion way??

    She apparently has an twitter, I’ll
    check what kind of person she is, but truthfully she does not deserve a minute.
    But it always good to know what kind of person we are dealing here.

    To my opinion, I would even say that
    she does not fully comprehend in what kind of relationship she is herself… But
    hey never too let to be told explained and put back in place !

    Now that being said, my heart goes
    to our dear sis Christelyn Russell-Karazin because that
    might be hurtfull for her reputation but know that God sees the heart of each
    person, & what she just demonstrated WILL come back to her in the same
    manner she triggered it.

    Oh & one more thing, my heart
    aches as well for her mate, bf whatever he is (poor dude) : as that’s
    quite nice way to display her relationship outwardly…. (smh)

  • Lady Arabella Victoria

    This article is vile & the author is hypocritical. I am happy that AA women are opening themselves to men from the global village. Reading this article was a waste of my finite minutes of life. I am disappointed that Madame Noire chose to publish it.

  • TatumPascal

    This article was pointless and filler. I don’t feel that it added anything to the conversation about race and love in regards to black women and white males in particular. I enjoy MN but I have to say that this isn’t the first article that I have read that felt like filler to me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1132302854 Alexander LaTonya

    Black men or dating who they want, why can’t black women.

← Older Comments
Newer Comments →