Girlfriend Guilt: When You’re The Only One Still On Track

August 20th, 2012 - By Valerie J Charles

Source: Clutch

It is the arrogance of childhood that makes us think that we will grow up and be on equal footing with our best friends. We think we will go through the natural transitions of girlhood into womanhood – giving up dolls for make up and nail polish, prom dates, college, marriage and kids –at the same time. Some of us even go so far as designating each other as godmothers to nonexistent babies that are supposed to come after dream weddings. Yet, as we all know, life comes calling and its rare that these dreams are actualized the way we conjured them.

One of the biggest wake up calls of my 20s  is seeing how many of my close friends have fallen so far from their initial plans. Dream schools were picked out, majors declared, and fellowships verbally claimed…but that feels like so long ago. Friends who I thought would leave me envious are nowhere near enviable to me. When I look at my own life, I feel almost a bit of guilt. Out of all those whom I started my journey into womanhood with, only a couple of are still running alongside me,  gunning for the goals they had set out for themselves.

Yeah, I know we’re all adults. Me and my girls are, to a large degree, responsible for the ways our lives have shaped out so far and how they will continue to do so in the future. This is why the guilt I feel at times is so perplexing to me. Why should I feel guilty for doing what I said I was going to do? I shouldn’t feel as if I need to be an apologists for my achievements, and yet the sensations gnaws at me every time they inquire, “what’s new?” My mother told me I was going to leave many friends behind; that those I started out with, wouldn’t be the ones I would end with — but, that knowledge has not helped alleviate the sadness in the situation.

I, at times, sit and wonder, where the hell did things change so much? When did visions change? When were goals reassessed/forgotten/carelessly dismissed?! I could have sworn that my girls and I started off on the same page, but this may not be so. What pains me the most is no longer having much to talk about with these old friends of mine. The days of our long, winding conversations about nothing and everything are as foreign to me as an Eastern European language. We no longer have anything to talk about due to the differing cultures of our lives. I cannot understand their lamentations of their husbands and/or children, because I don’t have them. And they, cannot understand my lamentations on my burgeoning career and single-girl expeditions, because that are the contents of my life, and my life alone.

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  • Chassie

    I didn’t read this article as “my friends aren’t keeping up with my accomplishments” I read this as “my friends aren’t achieving the goals they set for themselves,” and that makes sense to me. Yes, life changes and desires change, but I have friends who set tons of goals and sidetracked themselves (their words, not mine) by getting pregnant early, by dropping out of school, etc. Yes, many of them are happy with the choices they made, but many of them openly regret their choices and their lost goals, and I understand how the author might feel this way. I don’t feel guilt for my accomplishments, because I did what I said I would do, but when one of my friends says something like “I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we’d be roommates in the dorm this year,” it can be awkward.

  • S.K.B

    Your implication that those who aren’t keeping pace with you are the ones who chose a family is flawed. I’d gander a guess that they too look at you with similar sadness wondering how YOU got left behind. It would be nice if women didn’t see life as a race to begin with and as such there was no one to leave behind.

  • Gye Nyame

    I don’t think the author was being condescending, b/c I can relate somewhat to what she is saying. Growing up you have friends that you look up to, and their accomplishments motivate you to do better and achieve your goals. But when you get older and you see those friends lives take a turn, it makes you a little sad not b/c your competing but because you want to see your friends achieve the goals they set for themselves. I understand that life gets in the way of our plans but sometimes I do feel guilty expressing happiness about a promotion or certain things going on in my life when I know a friend maybe going through a rough patch. I know for certain my friends are not jealous of me, and I will support my friends and celebrate any and every achievement they make.

    • DYNAMICALLYDELLA

      That’s was EXACTLY the authors point. Reading however, is not fundamental to all and our filters and insecurities have us all too often assuming people “think they better” than us. Or are looking down on us. It is the love that someone has for thier friends that would make you lament the loss of the tie >>Or be cautious when sharing with them so as not to offend or boast.<< Many of these women know they have friendships that have ended because people grow apart; why do these articles incite such visceral angry responses from this lot. NOWHERE did this chick imply her friends were jealous.

    • DYNAMICALLYDELLA

      In case I wasn’t clear whilst typing on this cell lol, I totally agree with you @gye

  • Candacey Doris

    I think everyone has this problem. And not just with friends, with family members too. It’s hard to see people you thought would be living large doing something that seems so beneath them. The i remember that just because people are down now, it doesn’t mean they will be forever. Stand by your friends and family and share their journey.

  • Smilely

    I do not think that
    the article was implying a “my life is better than your life” attitude.
    We all make choices in young adulthood that we will have to be accountable
    for….for the rest of our lives. I completely identified with the article.
    When I started college I had many friends whom I’d thought we’d always be on
    the same page, but years later we are not due to the different paths that we
    have CHOSEN. I agree that there is a sadness that can be felt when you look to
    your left and right and you no longer see the same girls that you started out
    with. Once again, it is not a competition thing, just a choice thing. As the
    author stated, why should you feel guilty for setting out to achieve goals that
    you set for yourself and deciding not to settle for anything less?

    Best wishes to all on your chosen journey:)

    • Rita

      I agree. I think that this article wasn’t about competition but just about life changes. Maybe because I can identify with the author…I don’t know. I know with many of my old hs friends, I tried to keep in touch when I come back to town but we simply have nothing in common. I have experienced the awkward “what’s new” and it usually involves “that’s cool. I wish I would have…” Not saying my life is perfect or anything to envy but how do do you respond to something like that?

      • mrsvis

        same here…my cousin was my best friend growing up and we had all these wonderful plans of living together in college and seeing the world. and nowadays our lives couldn’t be more different. it’s just crazy how it turns out sometimes.

  • L-Boogie

    Sad but true. Continued luck in your future endeavors.

  • Really Miss

    I will never get people like this. They look at life sizing people up. I have a friend she does this to other people however when people are surpassing her (she will throw shade and brag more). Get a life. Maybe you have grown apart from your friends as life and growing has shaped you and molded you. No one should be the same woman 10yrs ago. That is probably why you don’t have the same friends sweetie. Also you mentioned some friends who your thought you would be jealous of are now off the path. This shows you in reality are still the same person 10yrs ago. You are competitive. I am sure they are not worried about you. You kept tabs this long? Its not that they are failures its just life took different routes and maybe some of their personal goals have changed. Some women see a family life as the Dream others don’t. Change is healthy. Its ok to outgrow friends. Life takes us different routes but as far the ” leave ppl behind and I don’t feel guilty my life is different” comment … it sounds as if you kept tallies with people you were not really friends with but frenemies with. They may look at you see a lonely woman that is hiding in her career. Does that make it true… No absolutely not. It’s different perceptions from different ppl in different places in life. Its great you are proud of your career and accomplishments. Kudos to you. But if you felt the need to write this …. hmmm. I could see if they were attacking you. But this is in your head and according to you.

  • Pingback: Where My Girls At? *Epiphany* « LaurenMichele Live

  • Negress

    “Comparison is the root of inferiority.” -Jim Dobson Either you’ll think you’re better or feel worse or feel peerless when you look left and see no one else.

  • Yay!

    You know, the other way to look at your nearly complete life plan is that you are so self-centered the wonderful whims in life have escaped you; like falling in love, marriage, children, living in another country, charity, etc. Also, while you may think your friends with families have fallen off their life plan, they may be looking at you as behind the eight ball. A really good friend doesn’t size-up their friends, dear. Maybe spend less time thinking about what friends haven’t accomplished and work on how to be a quality friend.

  • IllyPhilly

    OMG, this was me. Then I realized, hey if the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn’t hesitate to bask in the glory. I’m not saying I’m boastful, but I’m not ashamed any more of bettering my life.

  • Sheena

    Get over yourself

  • leilue

    I am still trying to figure out the aim. I believe that, as previously stated, people have different dreams, goals, and journeys for a legitimate purpose in life. This is the very reason that withstand from comparing my life to others. Just because I may achieve things that differs from that of my peers does not make me more successful or accomplished than others, rather, it adds spice to life. Because life is so spontaneous, it is extremely difficult to judge without the understanding that things can take a traumatic turn and may, somehow, end up completely different from what was predicted. For me, those twists and turns have kept me grounded and provided a significant level of gratitude and genuine happiness in my life. Simply, a blessing in disguise as many things were!!

    Good luck!

  • Kimster

    Um, life is all about change and envy in any form isn’t a good look. And it isn’t about leaving people in the dust as it is having different paths for an individual’s life. It’s a bit egotistical to feel as if you’re excelling at life just because you hit every point on your ‘life map’. It is the quality that one brings to the table that sets the tone for a long lasting, healthy friendship. Differing paths such as married vs. single, children vs. no children, etc. shouldn’t be factors if you truly care for the friend and his/her well-being.

    • PA-TX

      Exactly what I was thinking! Just because your friends have husbands and/or kids doesn’t mean you’ve left them behind. You’ve chosen different paths and they may have “left you behind” in some ways too. (you being the author

  • truth

    U js sound sad that u dnt hv a husband or kids

  • Essence Girl

    I have friends who I came with from high school, our lives have changed in many ways, and somehow we are still close. I look at them and am proud of them, and they do the same with me. Our lives, all of us included, turned out much more different than we expected, because the plans you make are somehow not what God made for you. Yet, in whatever ways we change, we don’t feel guilty for our achievements. Some of them have kids, some have husbands and kids, some are just like me, still chasing the dream (career and family), yet we make a point to get together and connect. We all know what we have is special and not many women have the same friends they’ve had since high school, so we appreciate it and nurture it. We live in different parts of the country, yet we see each other at least twice a year, and we the single ones all meet at least 6 times a year. With facebook, twitter, bbm and other technologies, it’s easier to always keep in contact.

    Not to be rude, but it is a bit self involved to always look at your life and think other people are jealous of it, it is possible that your friends are happy with the way theirs turned out. Plans change, passions change, people change, yet it is still possible to maintain friendships if they’re important to you.

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