Mr. and Mrs. Independent: Has Chivalry Been Replaced With Every Man–Or Woman–For Himself?

August 13th, 2012 - By Charing Ball

Ask most dudes why it appears that they have abandoned their chivalrous ways and they will likely blame women. Most of us are too independent for our own good and any attempts to do things like opening doors or pulling out a seat for a woman will likely result in evil stares, a lack of a thank you, or sucked teeth. In some respects, I kind of understand how they reached this conclusion. I remember my own trepidation over the guys I’ve dated who insisted on walking on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street. I never understood the purpose and quite frankly, neither do any of the guys I’ve dated. When I would ask why, the closest I got to an answer was that, just in case a car jumps the curbs and plows into us, he will get hit first. “Well, since you are not Iron Man, odds are that the car will hit you and keep going until it hits me,” I would say in response. He would scratch his head, “Yeah you’re probably right, but still…”

But still, we did it anyway. Sometimes chivalry just doesn’t make sense. Like how my last ex-boyfriend used to hold the car door open for me.  Sounds like a courteous gesture, but it used to irk me. I told him this once.  Like for one, it was my car. You holding the door of the driver seat, which I had to unlock and then lean over and unlock your door (this was pre-automatic locks). I mean, wouldn’t the courteous thing be for you to get your own damn car so I don’t have to drive us all around town? He didn’t think of that. But the larger point was that I could tell that his heart just wasn’t into it. He would open the door and blindly close it, regardless if my legs were even fully inside the car.  It was fraudulent chivalry. Like someone, maybe his dad, threatened him years ago with, “Son, always open the door for a lady or I’ll beat the crap out of you.” And for the rest of his life, every time he saw a car door and a woman, the fear of God would creep into his heart.

Anyway, he concluded I was never satisfied. Maybe I’m not. Maybe my insistence – as well as necessity – on independence has jaded me to the helpful hands of a strange man. However, being a modern woman does not mean that I am no less deserving of common courtesies.  I have no desire to be genderless and not to be seen as a woman by anyone. If a man wants to hold a door open, help me to my car with heavy bags, or open a car door for me, then he is welcomed to do so. But I also feel that if it doesn’t aid in my general welfare, how exactly is that being chivalrous? And more importantly, why should I be compelled to take it? For instance, if you are closing car doors on womens’s legs or holding a door open for me –even though I am still half way down the block, which means I have to run up the block just to make it through the door (or risk being on the receiving end of a male attitude), it doesn’t seem very thoughtful. Instead, it just seems like I am being forced to subjugate myself to your good deed for the day, no matter if I needed the deed or not.

In the end, I think that chivalry is less about reinforcing social norms reserved for gentlemen and ladies and more about manners. Good manners. And the lack of chivalry among men doesn’t mean that all things are equal. Equality to me means being paid the same amount for the same work whereas being chivalrous just means adhering to our own personal code of values and virtues about how to treat people. You know, with respect, compassion and most importantly, thoughtfulness?  Regardless of gender, I think that in these graceless times, we all are in need of – and could offer up – a helping hand. I am no more or less prone to holding a door for a stranger struggling with heavy boxes if he is male or female. And I expect all people, regardless of gender, to do the same.

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  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    I also equate chivalry with good manners to match it’s meaning in our time, however, I think that just as much as man is expected to demonstrate good manners, so does a woman. If he opens my car door, when I get into my seat, I am going to reach over and unlock his door (and may even open it while I shout that I am a “gentlelady” :) )

    I appreciate the little things men do to show that they appreciate me. I don’t see it often enough and when I do, I definitely return the “good manners”.

  • Chanda

    There’s still women out there that want to be protected by men because that’s how they were raised and they’e use to it. The problem arises when other women don’t want to be protected and looked after (and getting offended if you even try to) so men will assume most all women feel the same. Guess a man needs to feel that he’s needed before he starts doing things for a woman ’cause not all women are the same or think the same. Seems there’s a very thin line to chivalry. When you let a woman walk ahead of you, you might get a smile and a Thank you or you might get c ussed out!

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      The line is only thin because people (men and women) are not communicating behavioral expectations of their partners. If people say to each other “this is what I need to be successful in a relationship, can you do it?,” it cuts out the confusion.

  • Kayo

    Most men of today, Black men specifically, reserve their chivalry for women who they are attracted to.

  • sabrina

    Listen, I like when men open doors for me and offer their seat to the elderly or pregnant and all of those “chivalrous” acts. I appreciate the men who still do them, regardless of why they do them. Point blank period.

    • Chanda

      Because that’s how they were raised and they already do these acts out of habit. These men are not extinct. As rebellious as I try to be at times, I actually appreciate it too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.f.vorhees Jason Fangz Vorhees

    Great debate in a age when alot of women view certain acts of chivalry as a “soft” character trait.

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      Yes, that is a whole other issue. Either the man is meeting your needs as a woman and is “in tune with your emotions” or he is weak…

      Imma need you to pick one because you CERTAINLY can’t have both.

  • Rastaman

    Not to nitpick but do most women realize that much of what is considered chivalry was born of the era when women were pretty much viewed as property. So along with the idea of men protecting women was the view that they were really safeguarding the value of their possessions. Plus much of what accounted for chivalry by men was usually reserved only for for their kin….in wars and military conflict it was considered a reward for soldiers to rape their enemies women and even capture them as booty.

    Context is very important when we discuss these ideas and yet so many who bemoan the loss of certain “values” always conveniently forget that so many of those values were not that beneficial for those who had no power. i am certain that given the choice between self determination and being viewed as possession most women would choose the former. But if you would rather have a gilded cage then yes chivalry is dead.

  • dontdoit

    Women ARE the weaker sex physically.

    Men are not mind readers so they cannot determined what ideas you subscribe to and which ones you don’t safari as chivalry.

    A woman needs to decide if she wants to be treated as an equal OR as someone who needs protecting. You cannot straddling both.

    Now if you see yourself as equal and a man chooses to do things that are based on chivalry there is nothing wrong with that but at the same time you cannot get mad because he doesn’t.

    • Kayo

      Why can’t a woman be protected and treated as an equal? What exactly consists of protecting a woman anyway?

      • BW1615

        nothing is truly protected and equal…

        • kinismos

          Also because you can’t have it both ways.

  • Eps

    The idea of chivalry is paternalistic. It’s underpinning idea is that women are the weaker sex and thus need the protection and guidance of men. Just think about that for a second.

    • bluekissess

      Weaker as in physically? YES. I wouldn’t mind man protecting me and OUR family. I don’t think any science is needed accept for the fact that men have been more egotistical and selfish. Maybe I’m just blessed to have a dad who would die for me and a lil big brother who would slap the taste out of somebody’s mouth if I were disrespected. So, the statistics may be nice but, how someone was raised and brought up plays a factor as well. Now don’t get me wrong if push came to shove I’ll pop some caps but, I would prefer man to do it

  • Mystique

    My brother won’t give me a dime when i ask him for a loan. He always tells me women are liberated.