Single Black Male: Why Do Men Mislead Women?

August 13th, 2012 - By WisdomIsMisery

hellobeautiful.com

The Difference Between a Deceitful Man and an Honest Man

The fact of the matter is that most men don’t want to bear a burden greater than themselves. They figure if they provide you with the truth, then you should be able to manage the emotional side independent of them or the status of your relationship together. To be fair, they think this way because that is how men operate. The problem is, as anyone who has interacted with the opposite sex will confirm, men and women don’t think the same way. Furthermore, a friend pointed out to me that many women (and men) will only pay attention to the communication that best aligns with what they want.

This means if his words don’t match his actions, they believe his actions. If his actions don’t match his words, they believe his words. This doesn’t make a lot of sense. You shouldn’t have to pick and choose between the communication style that best fits what you want. His actions and his words should match. There shouldn’t be a great divide between the two that leads to confusion. If you’re confused about your place in a man’s life, your confusion is likely justified.

It should go without saying but communication is key. A good relationship shouldn’t feel like you’re trying to solve the Da Vinci Code. Getting back to the original question, I wouldn’t introduce a random woman to my parents because this particular action means a lot to me (I’m old school). On the other hand, I wouldn’t hesitate to introduce her to my friends because that isn’t as big a deal to me. Another man might feel the complete opposite; maybe the opinions of his friends are more important than his parents. Who knows!

You shouldn’t have to guess your status in a man’s life. This is exactly why should you ask rather than assume. This isn’t a free license to overwhelm the man of interest in your life with questions, but you also shouldn’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind either. However, if you’ve never had a discussion on where you stand, it isn’t safe to assume anything. The fact that he introduced you to his parents (or performed any other number of actions you deem important) only means something if he agrees. For him, it might mean everything or it might mean nothing at all.

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his formal training as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.

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  • applesauce585

    My brothers, uncles and male cousins always say “men are honest, but sometimes don’t tell the truth, but we always gonna be “honest”, WTF….I told em y’all full of sh*t…….LOL

  • cheekee baby

    First red flag, a 30 year old involving himself with a 21 year old. Now it ten years time that nine year age difference may not be such a big deal, but it is when you are just 21 dating someone for all intents an purposes is a fully grown adult. Second, not once did you say there was anything in particular about his personality that you liked. You liked what he had what he drove how he looked that’s it. Third, why are you going to wait until he contacts you? What is the point in that? On some level in some way you are entertaining the notion of still dating him. Which brings me to my fourth point, he knows 21 year old little girls are easily wowed and impressed with basic common courtesy date etiquette which is why he chose you even though his butt is newly married.

    Do not go out with him again. Do not entertain his texts, calls, IMs, Facebook notes because he will try to contact you. Date men who are open and honest with you and who are more close to your age and situation in life.

  • Two Cents Worth

    I can truly appreciate well-written articles like this one MN! It gives great insight from the male perspective and helps us mother’s who have sons to raise alone get a better idea of what men actually are thinking. I think honesty between 2 people is always the best policy and I instill that into my son. It’s bad karma to intentionally deceive someone into believing something false to get what you want from them. Eventually, it comes back to you and sometimes worse than you can handle. So whether you see yourself as a ‘good man’ or a ‘deceitful man’, try to think of how it would feel if the tables were turned and the female was doing it to you.

  • rock

    A Woman will tell a man the answers to all hers questions, her perspective on her concerns and then be enchanted because he agrees with and understands her. Whether the guy is sincere or not, time will tell. One thing is for sure, when a guy says he’s not interested in a relationship or something serious, its a statement not a challenge.

    • cheekee baby

      Your last sentence is dead on. I would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache had I taken their words to heart.

  • BeBe

    This is extremely sad, I mean the programmed belief that this is truth for every man and that to camouflage the inadequacies of low-self esteem. I asked a man once to truly search himself and then agree if these mind games is how he really believes himself to be and the answer was no-not-at-all. this man was my son, you see I know as a mother I raised him to be respectful toward women; now if the world conditioned him differently (which in this case that’s what I believe) than he must separate and be his own man even if that means he’s not a bro-man in the eyes of his fellow man.

  • kelseydr

    Ouch! I think you have made an effective decision before you got so emotionally involved and comfortable in a dead-end situation. Kudos to you!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker

      Yes we no longer talk I deleted his number!His wife is so pretty and seems very in love wouldn’t want to do that but sadly he will continue to cheat on her Smh

  • FStubbs

    I’ve had women mislead me about what we were and where we were headed. Invariably it was always “the friend zone”. This brother has probably never had that problem, though.

  • bluekissess

    Ouch! This type of truth hurts. A women is in a lose lose situation. I think women all want the “honest man” but, his honesty isn’t attached to him liking you or wanting to be with you. It’s more of the woman’s choice. And men say women are difficult

  • DeepThinker

    I had a guy that told me upfront that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but he would always do really nice things for me. Get my car fixed, buy me things and take me on nice trips. Even though he told me what he wanted (a casual dating not-exclusive relationship) I still got confused at times because he was spending a lot of his time and $ on me. I thought I was putting it on him so good, that he was “changing” his mind. Even when I discovered I wasn’t the only one I still could not be mad at him because he treated me so well when he was with me. His generosisty was just the way he was it did not mean he was in love. I guess I got a little excited, because I was not used to a man treating me so well. Lesson learned.

  • Hmmmmm

    This is horrible. All over the place and not accurate where it needs to be.

  • Nope

    ”
    This means if his words don’t match his actions, they believe his actions. If his actions don’t match his words, they believe his words. This doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

    This is pretty much the first thing that came to mind after first reading the question. Women tend to think and believe whatever is the most emotionally satisfying to them at a given moment.

    • Kayo

      You mean, women who you have known.

      • Nope

        Um, of course. There’s never an all of anything. But I think this holds true for most women. Most women go for whatever is the most emotionally expedient.

    • cheekee baby

      This isn’t a woman phenomenon, this is a people thing. We all want to hear and see and believe what we want to. What goes hand in hand with what we want.

  • Adrina

    “His actions and his words should match.” < and if it don't, I'm out.
    A guy mislead me once even after I gave him the opprotunity to come clean about if he wanted this other chic. Long story short, she dogged him out (after she mislead him that they will be together when he move 15 hrs away), spent all his money,and sent him packing. Then talk about his regret of not choosing me.
    Moral of the story: What goes around, comes around. So if you trying to scheme and "lie by omission" to get what you want, it will surely come back to you.

    • Two Cents Worth

      Very true. Additional words of wisdom to us single women: Know what you want (or need) before you go rushing into a relationship with these men. Take your time and really look at what you want versus what the other person has to offer you. If his answers or actions don’t add up, then you can make better choices. Of course, some men are very good at these mind games and you may still make mistakes, but you will learn from your mistakes. I have learned that by being friends and having more conversations with no sex involved helps to weed out the deceitful ones quite easily. After 30 days (sometimes less), I am able to clearly understand where the man is coming from. Without sex, you have more clarity and are able to think more clearly about what the other person is all about. It allowed me to be more objective, therefore I make better decisions for myself – not the other person. Good luck ladies!

  • SapphireKharyzma

    It’s nice to see a man’s perspective! Even better when –now, things begin to make sense. Men think black & white — completely blind to the 50 shades of gray that exists in between. Communication is always key and too me — without it, there literally isn’t anything to be said. And if that’s the case, what’s the point? Relationships will always be a “two sides of the coin” kind of thing…but if men continue to think that a woman’s intuition automatically equals “psychic” — then the problem will always exist.

    • Nope

      I also think a lot of women like the grey area because they avoid direct and flat out rejection, which every woman fears.

      • SapphireKharyzma

        Not all women avoid direct contact! I prefer to lay it all out and avoid the BS but then you find grown men — who rather avoid communicating — for whatever reason — and this has nothing to do with a woman’s fear of rejection??? Both men and women — equally fear rejection!!!

        • Nope

          There’s never an all of anything, but I think in general, yes most women avoid direct contact if rejection is possible. Women are terrified of rejection. Men honestly don’t know what to do with emotions most of the time, and when you’re dealing with women you’re going to be dealing with a lot of (her) emotions. Sometimes we do and say whatever it takes to keep women stable and quiet.

      • FStubbs

        Men want to avoid rejection, too. Some women don’t want a defined relationship.

      • cheekee baby

        Women don’t fear rejection anymore or less than men.

  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

    If introducing a lady to my parents is what will get me YOU KNOW WHAT, I’ll do it fast.

    • bits

      desperate.

    • kelseydr

      you’re a great example of a deceitful man…. I’m sure if you told women that’s what your goal was you’d be so single and lonely.

  • Kitty

    Great breakdown!!! Thanks MN what would I do with out you.