My Life: What Happens When The Friend You’re Fighting For Willingly Slips Away?

August 8th, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

In life we come across a multitude of people and some of them (the lucky ones) will become our friends.  Now friends, like shoes, come in all shapes and sizes, and you’re never quite sure how well they’ll work until you spend time with them.  Sometimes you find out that the beautiful looking stiletto is a pain, but those Chucks are not only comfortable, but are becoming your favorite go-to shoe.

Now we’ve discussed how it’s important to sometimes fight for your friendships, but what happens when the person you’re fighting for willingly slips away?  You don’t have a fight, falling out, or anything; they just decided that your role in their life has ended and… good luck.

A few years ago I worked a job in Minnesota.  I made friends very easily but I met this one guy and I just knew we were going to be friends for the rest of our lives.  The job had its frustrating moments, but that frustration helped create a bond between all of the support staff.  But when I really felt down, Nelson was the person to go to.  Even though we were completely different in religious beliefs, musical tastes and gender, this dude was my dude!  Now, I’m a serial platonic friendshipper, so it was only friendship, but man, I loved him like a brother!

After the job ended we drove the sixteen hours together back to our home towns and had a blast on our road trip.  Since we lived in the same area we had our moments where we hung out together, and even though I started a new job and he went back to school, you couldn’t tell me we wouldn’t still be friends.  We were so close that when I met the guy I ended up marrying (and now divorcing, FAIL!) Nelson was the first person I told.  When I found out I was pregnant, Nelson was in the top five people to know, and when we went to the courthouse, I invited him to be one of the witnesses.  But with each update, there was more and more distance growing between us.

It reminds me of a song called “The Incredible Shrinking Clarinet.”  During the song, as you play, when you get to a certain part, you discard part of your clarinet.  You keep on playing, but as the song progresses you keep on removing sections until at the end you’re only left with your mouthpiece.  That’s how I felt with Nelson.  We played this beautiful song of friendship in the symphony of my life, but after a certain number of stanzas, pieces of our friendship were being discarded by ignored wall posts and Facebook messages.  My life and friendships with other people, including all of the other amazing people I made great connections with from the Minnesota job, ( I love my Batcave girls!) continued.  I wasn’t naive to think that every single friendship that I make in my life will always stay intact, but the more I went on, the more our friendship dissolved.   Finally, I got to the point where I was the only one holding on.  Tempted to write on his Facebook page one more time to see how he was doing, I x’d out.  What was the point?

Though I don’t have that friendship anymore, Nelson was a very important part of my musical repertoire, and without him I don’t think I would have been able to happily deal with Minnesota.  I have no hurt feelings from him at all, and if anything I still look on our time together with joy.  The same thing goes to other people who were such important parts of my life, who encouraged me when I felt down and who loved me when I was unlovable, but just slowly moved away though I kept offering that hand of friendship.

So to you, dear reader, when you get to the point where you keep on trying to play your song, but the other person is alerting you that you need to discard part of the friendship away, consider doing it.  Your song will continue to play, and even though you might have lost one shoe, there are always others.

Shoes, clarinets.  Let’s talk about it all on twitter @kkoger.

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  • FromUR2UB

    Quite frankly, the author of this story talks about how much of a friend Nelson was to her, but she never mentions how she reciprocated. In adulthood, I’ve run across so many people who seemingly only want an audience for whatever they want to talk about. They don’t seem to think of conversation as an interactive activity, and therefore, don’t really have a need or interest in your saying anything that doesn’t pertain to them. Ever run into those people who can talk without taking a breath? They don’t seem to notice that you were on your way somewhere when they began talking, so for a while, you wait for a pause so that you can politely excuse yourself, but since they don’t stop talking, you end up having to interrupt them. They never inquire about you or your life, as if your only purpose is as their sounding board. If you do jump into the “conversation” and dare say something about yourself, they make it clear they aren’t interested either by interrupting you or ignoring that you said anything at all. Once I notice that about someone, I make myself scarce. When I see them, I speak, but my keep my feet moving so that they don’t have a chance to get started.

  • JahJah

    I had a friendship that lasted about 6 years. It was great, we laughed together, at one point worked together and even went through heartbreak together. But as time went on we just started to become different people. She was always sensitive and ive always been more realistic . After a while it became tiresome to always chase after her and baby her after one of her random mood swings and upsets over nothing ( or atleast nothing that a grown woman should get mad over). One day she just stop talking to me ( another one her her temper tantrums) and i decided right then and there that i no longer cared about the friendship ( though i still love her and pray for her daily) , but i did not want to ‘chase’ a grown women nor babysit a grown woman’s emotions. There was some tattle tale signs that the friendship would not last. She would always say she looked up to me ( though I’m younger then her) and she would always have random mood swings that i had to cater to. Momma always told me when your a triple threat ( beautiful, smart, ambitious) surround yourself with others who are likewise. She made the decision that limited her ( dont want to put her business out there) while i decided to advance my career. I supported her decision though i did let it be known she was moving too fast and it wasnt the right time . Mean while i advanced my career, glory to God I have always been blessed to always be able to move up the cooperate ladder and keep advancing. I think she was a little jealous that things seemed so easy for me while it was always a struggle for her. Dont get me wrong, she’s a great women, beautiful and bright but our ‘season’ had past. I love her still and wave hi when i see her, even tried to send her a friendly text just to say hope things are well, she on the other hand has ignored all of it. I think having the maturity to let go of a friendship without it being so ” oh we aint friends? then you fake you this you that” is very important, AS ADULTS we should be able to say ,” ok the friendship didnt work ou, no hard feelings ” .

  • MLS2698

    I have NEVER had friends, and it has never bothered me. I know a few people, but honestly, women these days have the weakest standards I have ever seen. I will easily bail when women don’t show any REAL values, and will stand for anything. I don’t want to be the ” friend ” who gives the most sound advice, or has the right answers all the time. What good will it do me to surround myself with people who are always tripping over their own feet with the most irrelevant situations; how can they help me in a pinch? Oh, and the drama! I can’t !

    • ijs

      thank you! i thought this was just me. Sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me, the way I can’t maintain female relationships but it’s just that I’m very selective about the type of people I can entertain.
      The type of girls I like to surround myself with are strong self esteem having, secure, ambitious, free thinking, unimpressionable with strong morals and values. I’m in my early 20s and in college so even meeting people with half of those comes once in a blue moon.
      I’ve resolved to give up looking for quality friendships until after college when I’ll hopefully be among a more mature crowd.

      • MLS2698

        LOl! Good luck! I’m much older than you, so I know it can drag on for years. Age will not improve things, either. The same silly women you know now, will be silly at fifty. Sorry, but the only thing wrong is that your values are higher than others.

  • Do I have to?

    I am one of the those people who frequently no longer wants the friendship (maybe because it was boring, forced, or most importantly – toxic) but I just don’t know how to say it!!! A friendship should come naturally (give and take) and if one person keeps on pushing it then it’s not fair to the other person who doesn’t want it! I have had two female friends in my life that I straight up ended it, no return calls, ignored calls and FB msgs, no nothing! Now if we only talked once a month to catch up we’d probably still be friends, but the calling me every day talking about the same story over and over, I just couldn’t take it! I used to feel bad but I dont anymore because my physical and emotional health is the most important thing to me now! I just wish I could kindly convey to them that I didn’t want to talk to them every day.