More Than My Hair: One Woman’s Response to the Length Obsession

August 7th, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

Some of the things that people obsess about completely go over my head. One of those things is hair, not just how we wear it, what we do to it, but even the amount on people’s heads can be a topic of discussion for hours. For some reason it seems like this obsession is even larger in the black community. Do you mind if we discuss this?

I was born with a lot of hair on my head, and with that hair came a lot of length. Being a child in Mobile, Alabama, I went to school with white students who also had long hair, so I didn’t think my hair was anything out of place. It wasn’t until my family moved to East St. Louis that I found out how large of an issue it was in the black community. My first day in the predominantly black school the secretary took me my teacher, and right after I introduced myself the secretary turned me around to show my first grade teacher my ponytail that reached my butt. Before I knew it, I was taken to (and this is not an exaggeration) every single classroom in that building. After I said my name and where I was from (“that southern accent is so cute!”) I was immediately turned around to show not just the teacher, but the entire classroom how long my hair was (Umm… are we going to learn something today?)

I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. It was just hair. The same stuff that I try to avoid having drop into my food while I ate, or what my mother took hours to press before I got a relaxer. Then it began to define me, it felt like it was all I was known for. I remember in high school having a frienemy (the same one who told everyone about me being commando) say: ”I can’t wait ’til prom, me and my sister are getting weaves and all the guys are going to stare at us. Because honestly, that’s the only reason why guys like you. You’re not that pretty, it’s just because of your hair.” I can’t believe that friendship didn’t last.

But she wasn’t the only one with that mindset. Once a girl got a fresh weave, they would literally go to me, fling it in the air and say: ”You’re not the only one with long hair now!” Then grab a brush out of their bag and start brushing it extra hard. I was always thrown off (“Soo… you don’t have the answers to the trigonometry homework…?”) If I wasn’t in competition with these girls, they thought I was in competition with other girls with long hair. I remember people having a full blown discussion on whose hair was longer, and I would get so frustrated. ”Who cares?! It’s just hair!!”

But the madness continued even after I left the school’s halls. Even now if I’m walking in a store, it’s not uncommon for someone to just stick their hands in my head and fill around for tracks and when I turn around say: ”Oh, I just wanted to know if it was real.” As if that’s supposed to excuse them from violating my personal space. Or the endless unwanted hair advice I get from people who have less hair under their armpits. ”See, if you dip your hair in chocolate and rinse it out after ten minutes, it’ll grow like crazy! See, I did that, but my hair got too long and I couldn’t handle it, so I cut it! That’s why it’s short now!”

Even though I’m in my twenties and have gotten used to the craziness over the protein follicles that grow out of my head, it’s a new adventure to see people react when they see my 19 month old’s hair. After my c-section the first thing that my doctor said wasn’t that my baby was fine, or that she had ten fingers or ten toes, it was: ”Oh my goodness! This baby has so much hair!” And he invited other nurses to come and see while my insides were laying on the table. ”Umm… could someone please bring my baby to me?!”

Even a week ago, taking my daughter to the mall with a twist out we were stopped constantly so people could ask about her hair, touch her hair, and this woman while I was in the bathroom wouldn’t leave me alone until I promised to put two afro puffs at the top of her head (Lady, why does it matter? Unless you’re going to start stalking me, you’re not going to see it…)

Now, I’m not trying to play the part of “Oh woe is me, I have all this long hair and don’t know what to do.” I’m not going to lie, I feel blessed that I have the hair on my head, and the fact that while some people spend the same amount of money on a luxury car payment a month all I have to do is unwrap my hair and only spend $6 on olive oil. I know that a woman’s hair is her crowning glory, but that’s it. A person’s hair shouldn’t overcast the person underneath it, or what she has accomplished.

It hurts me to think that my daughter will have the same struggles of meeting her future boyfriend’s parents and hearing: ”Don’t ever cut your hair, it’s the best part about you,” or having her great grandmother cry if she decides to cut her hair in a bob (which is what happened with my grandmother), or have people she thinks are friends use underhanded comments to say that all she is is her hair.

But really, that’s all it is. It’s just hair, and if you can attain it by growing it yourself, going natural, relaxing it, weaving it up, that’s fine, but don’t just reduce a person to that; because honestly, it’s just the lowest common denominator of a someone’s personality.

Not only does Kendra Koger have hair, she also has a twitter account. Tweet her @kkoger.

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Shavonda Chambers

love it!!
rosetta stone

Yes some blk folks are way too obsessed with hair length. My friends younger sister has always had a ton of hair. LOOONG almost to the small of her back. But what was funny was because she wasnt a light skinned mixed chick (she is a “regular” dark skinned blk girl) people assumed it was a weave. smh
http://www.sistavoyage.com/ ChakaKhanian

This article sums up my life with my hair. I was defined by it until one day I decided to big chop. The comments that came after from family and coworkers (notice I didn’t say friends because interestingly, they had the same mentality about hair length I had), were just plain stupid! ‘Your dead relatives are rolling around in their graves since you cut your hair!’ ‘Why did you cut your hair?!’ ‘Girl, did you save your hair so I can make me a weave/wig?’ I mean just stupid!
msmix2u

I can relate to this article on a few levels. only i dont consider long hair a burden i actually have an obsession with long hair. i blame rapunzel. my hair is somewhat long (never reached my butt) goes to the middle of my back when i take good care of it. it is naturally curly. I constantly get compliments on my hair and my skin tone but that is all. makes me wonder if without those things would i even be noticed. I do feel a little guilty and embaressed when these conversations come up and i feel like i have to explain myself and apologize for something that is in my genetic code. however i will never cut my hair.
BlackWomenSWIM

KENDRA: Excellent- I TOTALLY identify with this article. Eerie timing, as JUST yesterday, I posted photos in the “Arrival & Departure” album at BlackWomenSWIM facebook showing that I went from 20in of natural hair most my life to a buzz cut. That’s right- I shaved it all off, and like one of the ladies mentioned below, people seemed to take it personal! They all thought I went mad too…lol. I did this for a multitude of reasons, but one of them was exactly what you’ve layed out here; just being tired of the obsession with length. One night years ago, I was heading out clubbing with some “friends”. When I showed up to the meeting spot with my hair in a bun on the top of my head, 2 of them with shorter hair sneered that they were shocked because they “just knew” I would wear it out. I NEVER apologized for the length of my hair and still won’t, but grew guilty of hiding from all the attention by not wearing it out often. It was embarassing & annoying, and I grew weary of the conversation always moving to my hair and having to constantly redirect their focus. I’m sure Black women with blue or green eyes can relate too. Like the other commentors have mentioned, if you’ve never had really long natural hair, you wouldn’t understand. THANK YOU again for penning this.
dynamicallydella

After reading the intro and the girl stated she has long hair; I knew this article would be read through the “SHE AINT BETTER THAN NOBODY” filter of the Madame Noire audience lol. You cant have long hair or the secretly coveted >by some>>IS THE REASON<<< that we need to examine the psychology of such matters! Of course there are bigger issues in the world and as a person I am more than the external. "…don’t just reduce a person to that; because honestly, it’s just the lowest common denominator of a someone’s personality (Koger 2012)." As long as a hair story such as this gets the overwhelming cyber side eye, we still have a long ways to go in the development of well rounded self-images.
As people of color anytime we belittle someones journey (ie biracial women) with statements such "oh woe is me" we really need to check ourselves! Considering our past AND PRESENT and the misconceptions of our plight- we shouldn't be so quick to spit on someone. No hair ain't disenfranchisement or oppression! My point being, her truth doesn't nullify your experience.
And your many of your responses made valid the notions and stigma she purported in the piece!
Fact: Long hair is desired by a great deal of women of color. (Ask around or check the weave/hair care sales)
Fact: Long hair that was grown can put a Black woman on a pedestal and concurrently isolate her.
Fact: A person can take pride in their appearance AND take pride in their education/career/family all while NOT having the time to LOOK DOWN ON YOU (ie: The author, myself, and others who've posted here who can walk and chew gum)
And BTW I'm a woman with Afro-American Parents and Natural Hair that DOESN'T reach my butt. Love and enlightenment to the lot of you.
- tam
  
  thank you for that Dynamicallydella. I
  was sitting here reading the responses and wondering the exact same thing. But you said it better. We need to do better ladies.
- BlueCornmoon
  
  I ,too,know what Kendra”s talking about ! When I was a kid I had MBL hair & it was an issue at school among some people because I have type 4 hair. It’s odd how this hair obsession works. People are jealous but “understand” if you have long “good hair”; type 3 to wavy/ straight.That kind just grows long anyway. But if you have long type 4 hair ,UH OH! You’re an insult to every short haired type 4 out there. You can really get hateration because it’s like you won some kind of long hair lottery & they got left out. My parents taught me to respect myself & others & that no one is better than anyone else. That being said, you have no control over how others react to you because of THEIR experiences,background & issues. A LOT of black folks obsess over hair always judging folks by hair & skin instead of character because they’re secretly ashamed to be black. I knew black teachers who gave light skinned kids better grades or preferred treatment ! Mom ( my parents were teachers in segregated schools ) used to say a lot of black people have low self esteem , are insecure & have feelings of inferiority due to our experiences at the hands of whites and we have INTERNALIZED the crap they put on us & developed SELF HATE & turn it on each other . They need to feed their egos with excessive materialism or by putting others down. Women with this problem are into “she think she better than me” “she think she all that ’cause she light & got that good hair” “that aint her real hair” “that ain’t Beyonce’s baby, somebody had it for her” . & have to have the fanciest most expensive lace fronts on the planet. The men NEED the biggest flat screen TV, the Escalade, the $200 sneakers, the Lexus, the expensive suit, & the BLING. Oh yes, and in increasing numbers,young black men are KILLING EACH OTHER OVER DUMB STREET ISSUES .I’ve seen & heard all this talk even in the ELEMENTARY KIDS that I teach. THEY GET IT FROM HOME !!!And most of the time parents like that don’t have books in the house for the kids to read. They got all that “profilin’ stuff” to impress people & feed their egos but their kids can’t read blip cause the money’s sitting in the driveway or in mama’s fancy weaves. That’s also the reason Asians control our hair market. We’re too busy being a hateration nation,profiling & not working together. Too busy obsessing over dumb stuff. Now it’s Gabby’s hair they’re after & our dirty laundry self hate hits the internet & makes news all over the country instead of Gabby’s fantastic accomplishment. And those ignorant tweeters have absolutely NO PRIDE & don’t care that they’re showing their blazing ignorance to the entire world. And folks need to quit the jealousy & anger over ” she think she better than me” and remember this:
  NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION !!
  ….Eleanor Roosevelt
Lyfenlyn

Sounds like she was bragging a bit and using the fact that she was on top of the ‘hair chain’ to somehow make herself this victim? I agree with Ms blue, chile please!
- dynamicallydella
  
  “Now, I’m not trying to play the part of “Oh woe is me, I have all this long hair and don’t know what to do.” I’m not going to lie, I feel blessed that I have the hair on my head, and the fact that while some people spend the same amount of money on a luxury car payment a month all I have to do is unwrap my hair and only spend $6 on olive oil. I know that a woman’s hair is her crowning glory, but that’s it. A person’s hair shouldn’t overcast the person underneath it, or what she has accomplished.” Kendra Koger
  - quest
    
    I like my hair to, and I get the “is that a weave” question all the time. Especially from men. I have had hair past my shoulders all my life and I don’t see myself without it. But I’m with you, I feel blessed. Im glad I can get in a swimming pool and not be concerned about my hair….lol
- Ms. Blue
  
  Thanks!
JENNY

Honestly, this article is pointless. It started off with the
author gloating about her vast amount of hair and others’ opinions about her
long, hair….okay, everybody hates on you… so what! Then you say, it’s just hair!!!!….well if it
doesn’t mean anything to you, cut it off!
We know hair doesn’t define a people’s personality…..and honestly who
cares about other people’s opinions! WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS SAY? My
real hair is waist length, well groomed, relaxed, and I take pride in it! It’s
not just hair, it’s my crown and glory. Now regardless of a person’s hair
length, hygiene and grooming is very important. People look dirty when their
hair is unkempt… People can and will be judged for their hygiene or lack of. Anyhow,
if it’s just hair then cut your hair off lol. It’s simple.
- dynamicallydella
  
  “Now, I’m not trying to play the part of “Oh woe is me, I have all this long hair and don’t know what to do.” I’m not going to lie, I FEEL BLESSED THAT I HAVE THE HAIR ON MY HEAD, and the fact that while some people spend the same amount of money on a luxury car payment a month all I have to do is unwrap my hair and only spend $6 on olive oil. I know that a woman’s hair is her crowning glory, but that’s it. A person’s hair shouldn’t overcast the person underneath it, or what she has accomplished.”
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker

I had long thick bushy hair as a child it was to my back but I believe had my mom known about natural hair care and never permed my hair I had the potential to be to my butt…I’m big chopping so I can grow my hair long…black people fail to realize that black hair does grow if you take care of it and stop using chemicals…I was born with a head full of reddish brown curls my hair was so thick my grandma put 3 ponytails in my hair when I got out the hospital:-)
its_MYopinion

“Not only does Kendra Koger have hair, she also has a twitter account. Tweet her @kkoger.”

Too funny!
Machelle Kwan

Wow. There’s always going to be those simple minded negroes who will be obsessed about the most superficial mundane things. Who cares if your hair is naturally short or long? Does it make you a good or bad person? Does it make you a good parent? a good friend? Like the write said, it’s just hair. It’s part of you but only a very small part. There are soo many other important things to be worried about.
http://www.facebook.com/sharon.gordon.121 Sharon Gordon

I think the people who don’t understand her point never had a lot of hair.
omg not another hair story

Hmmm… rather silly ‘me! mee! meeee!’ article imo. Any thing remarkable be it beautiful eyes, teeth or hair will be remarked on. Get over it, kendra lol and learn to be gracious to those who comment on your beautiful God-given asset and ignore the envious snides. It really is that simple!
TeahMonae

Another hair article?! I’m so over it. Wear your hair in the style/length that best frames your face and brings out your best features. The end.
Gimmeabreak78

Another article about the psychology of black hair–Lord have mercy. If the author wants us to move on from this topic, why is she choosing to harp on it? Maybe we should all take a cue from Gabby Douglas and focus on more substantial matters.
- Ummm
  
  Did we read the same article? The point of the piece is that we shouldn’t harp on it.
  - Gimmeabreak78
    
    Yes, we did read the same article. My point (again) was why write an article about something everyone agrees isn’t worth exhaustive discussion in the first place? However, the author gave us all the whys and wherefores of growing up with long hair and the psychology behind it, and the psychology of the people who were jealous of it, etc. At this point, I just feel like black hair discussion has been beaten to death, so for the author to write an article talking about it, to tell us that we shouldn’t spend so much time talking about it (typos and all), seems a little disingenuous.
MLS2698

A ponytail that reaches your butt is special as a child. There are lots of people who can’t grow their hair that long regardless if you’re black of white. Stop playing, you know you loved the attention. And, if you check out some PBS programs on human nature, hair IS important when we reach our reproductive years.
- Lissa Marie
  
  There is no such word as can’t when it comes to hair growh. Anyone and Everyone can grow hair that long if they really want to. It just takes longer for some than others. All human hair grows, on average, 5 to 15 inches a year. Whether you’re higher or lower in that number spectrum doesn’t matter, but with African American hair in particular, it’s how well you take care of your hair that determines how much of that length you get to keep. If you’re overlapping your relaxers, overusing heat, using products that damage your hair, not keeping your scalp clean, not keeping your ends trimmed and moisturized, then no you’re not going to see that kind of length. But its possible.
  - MLS2698
    
    What? There are tribes of people who have ” snap ” for hair ( meaning what you can hold between your thumb and middle finger before you snap it), and genetics is a huge factor. Yes, I agree about too many products being used at times. But we have ALL purchased a boat load of cleaning/growing products that didn’t do the trick at some point.
  - Common Cent$
    
    Actually for hair growth the word can’t can apply due to genetics it is encoded in your dna how long your hair can be so at a certain point it is it does stop growing and that length varies from person to person. I remember when we learned this in biology I was shocked to find this out
- Machelle Kwon
  
  Superficial much? What difference does it really makes what length your hair is? Can hair cook,clean, work a job, take care of kids? If you think length of hair is relative to reproduction perhaps you should pick up a biology book.
http://www.facebook.com/deangala.miller DeAnga’la Sugafreesprite Mille

My hair grows long naturally I Just cut it short for yrs cause its just hair…I remember I had a former friend tell me not to cut my hair when I got down to my bra strap. I chopped it off and dyed it red. His family wont even let his niece get a trim that she desperately needs because she has long hair. I went natural two yrs ago and my afro has gotten bigger and my step father asked me was it a wig lol! What’s the point of having long hair if it not healthy. And why is it such a big deal anyway?
Ms. Blue

Meh..Not sure I am buying the “It’s just hair” argument of the author. If it is “Just hair” and conversations about it bothered her that much, why didn’t she just cut it off super short and leave it that way? Why didn’t she keep the bob that her Grandmother disliked so much? WHY? Because she liked having long pretty hair. Long hair is feminine and girly. It enhances a woman’s looks and is adored by men. If that wasn’t the case the weave industry wouldn’t be a multi-billon dollar business. That is like rich people complaining about how hard their life is because they have so much money, but I see very few rich people trading places with the guy sleeping on the street. This article is as bad as the one about the bi-racial girl who talked about how hard it was to be mixed in Hollywood. Chile Please! Save that ‘I got get talked about so bad and treated so bad because I have long, luxurious hair’ for someone else…..Off to get my sew-in.
- NaturalJem
  
  Lol Ms Blue…i agree with you to a certain extent….I don’t fully understand the purpose of this article either but having long hair is a good thing but all other lengths, textures, styles are good as well and they all have their pros and cons too. I too have long thick hair, not trying to be cocky but I do appreciate peoples compliments.
  - Ms. Blue
    
    That is my point Natural Jem. And you are right to appreciate the compliments. It is great that you have thick hair! Women can be fine with any length of hair. But don’t act like long hair is such a burden to your social life when you know you are really proud of it and happy to have it. I bet the author wouldn’t trade places with a chick that didn’t have long pretty hair to keep from having the negative comments. People k*ll me with that mess.
    - NaturalJem
      
      I hear you!
    - whatever
      
      But dont people like Halle Berry who have never looked great with Long hair in my opinion still rank as one of the most BEAUTIFUL women IN THE WORLD??? Im sure she doesnt dream of luxurious locks when her hair has garnered her such a strong following AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS….Bottom line KEEP YO HAIR DONE AND BEAUTIFUL AT ANY LENGTH…MEN WILL STOP AND STARE NO MATTER WHAT LENGTH IT IS….BELIEVE ME!! Everyone does not need to look like Beyonce in order to be thought of as sought after and beautiful. Thats what got these foolish a$$ girls runnin around LA looking the EXACT SAME!!! SILLY SH1T.
      - AQ
        
        Yeah, that woman could be bald and she would still look gorgeous. Long hair doesn’t compliment everybody…I wish people would stop believing that.
    - whatever
      
      But dont people like Halle Berry who have never looked great with Long hair in my opinion still rank as one of the most BEAUTIFUL women IN THE WORLD??? Im sure she doesnt dream of luxurious locks when her hair has garnered her such a strong following AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS….Bottom line KEEP YO HAIR DONE AND BEAUTIFUL AT ANY LENGTH…MEN WILL STOP AND STARE NO MATTER WHAT LENGTH IT IS….BELIEVE ME!! Everyone does not need to look like Beyonce in order to be thought of as sought after and beautiful. Thats what got these foolish a$$ girls runnin around LA looking the EXACT SAME!!! SILLY SH1T.
- Purplekisses
  
  I think you guys are missing the point. She didn’t say she didn’t appreciate having long hair but when strangers grab handfuls of it or when a doctor can’t even tell you if your baby is healthy before commenting on her hair, or when people say you wouldn’t be pretty without it, it’s clear that it’s an obsession for them. And she doesn’t want her hair to define she or her daughter. Why is that story so hard to respect/believe?
  - justbeinme
    
    Agreed! I go thru the same thing….to have a random person walk up to u and run their fingers thru your hair is disgusting! I dont know where ur hands been! Trust me, it happens alot if you have more hair than the average bear! And again, ITS JUST HAIR!!!!
- ThetruthNevalie
  
  men don’t care about long hair, we do. Plenty of women with shaven heads or sort dues are considered very beautiful. I will give you an example, Halle Berry…and dig this men say they like her hair better short than long…but not just her but even the women in the community pull it off. I cut my hair off to go natural…men like it. Get your sew in girl, bcuz that’s what works best for you,but dont think it makes you beautiful. Men are attracted most to women who take care of and love themselves.
Pfft

Well, my hair was longer when I was younger, but then that Halle/Tone cut came out well, off with my hair. Currently, I am natural, and where my hair in twist ALOT, but my hair is super thick which makes for great volume. As a result, I too often have instances when random people just come up and run their fingers through my hair checking for tracks. Crazy? Yes, but some people are just obsessed with hair no matter the length, texture ect.
- Pfft
  
  I meant wear my hair not where my hair…lol.

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