“My Girlfriend Did A 180:” Why Men Say Women Totally Change Once In A Relationship

August 10, 2012  |  
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“I miss the way we used to be.” “Where did the woman go that I fell in love with?” “You’ve changed.” These are painful things to hear from your partner, but many women do once a relationship has gotten serious. Have you ever noticed that often just as things are getting great, they fall apart? Just when you thought your love was solidified, it vanished? Well, bad news: it might be your own fault.


The first date
Everybody is on their best behavior on the first date. That’s to be expected. You’re not going to show your odd tendencies around any stranger that you’re hoping to develop a friendship with, work relationship with or romantic relationship with. That’s just being polite. You’re not going to lay it out all on the table on date number one because that would just make you seem abrasive. But, eventually, you have to cross that line…


The first month (or few)

Since women are constantly fed the idea that men are terrified of commitment, and that any man you date is probably dating three other women, we’re already ultra aware that men might fly at the drop of a pin. Or a quirk. So, sometimes we try to be perfect. We don’t want to complain about work, show our insecurities or ever make it seem like we are having any problems. We want to make it seem that our lives are totally together. And that we’re not “a mess” (a term men often derogatorily assign to their exes.)


The first month (or few) continued
You also want a man to feel that he can have space. He wants to have multiple “guys nights” a week? You say, “That’s fine!” He doesn’t want all of your stuff at his place? You say, “I totally get it!” Being aware of all the needy, clingy, overbearing women out there that give our gender a bad name, you overcompensate by trying to be as “cool” about everything as possible.


Finally, the commitment
So, why did you do that all? Why did you bend over backwards and make so many compromises? Because you wanted to get serious with the guy, obviously. And guess what? Now he wants to get serious with you too! Congratulations! Except for one small problem…


You’re a real person
You’re not a Stepford wife with no needs, feelings or wants of her own. All of that stress you have about your work, your family—your own life—that you’ve been hiding from him to keep yourself from being “too much drama,” does exist! And you’ll be headed towards a breakdown if you hold it in forever. It’s simply not sustainable to do.


You don’t want a casual relationship
You’re a girlfriend now! You don’t just want to see the guy two times a week, like you did before. You don’t want to take the backseat to guy’s night. You shouldn’t! You’re entitled to more time with your man because now he’s your man.


So, you change

And this is when it happens. All the things you said you were “Totally fine!” with before—you’re tired of pretending to be fine with. All the time you said you were okay with being away from him, you’re actually not okay with that. And all the real life problems and stress you have in your life that you want to talk to him about, you finally spill out. And you go from being the “cool,” relaxed, non-demanding, no-drama girlfriend to “a total mess.” The last thing you wanted to be. You’re not really a ton of drama. You’re just a normal person. But in comparison to the easiest girlfriend in the world—the role you’ve been playing to get the man to commit to you—you now seem like “a total mess.”


You’re not perfect
You’re not perfect. You have needs. You’ll get mad. You’ll be demanding. You’ll get stressed out and need to vent. And you should show that sooner rather than later. If you scare a man off: let him go. He was not emotionally developed enough to handle a girlfriend. Not a toy, but a girlfriend. And that’s what you want to be, right?

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