Keep It Movin': Why You Need To Resist The Temptation of Relationship Relapse

20 Comments
August 7, 2012 ‐ By Nicole Akoukou Thompson

hellobeautiful.com

Every woman that I’ve ever known has done the emotional tango with one lover or another. They’ve gotten caught up in the folly of breaking up and re-engaging, particularly with significant others who don’t treat them as well as they ought to be treated. They change their numbers, simply to hand the guy the new digits two weeks later.  And they change the locks to their doors, only to welcome him in when he comes knocking. My personal philosophy toward the matter is, “never step in the same ish twice,” (essentially meaning that an ex is an ex for a reason) but most people can’t help but to stumble backward into the muck.

The onset of this pattern is sometimes due to a fear of loneliness, reluctance to move forward, and whiffs of nostalgia. Also, the idea that they’ll simply stay with him until something better comes along, or that they’ll never find anyone better, are two possible contributing factors. All of those notions are detrimental, however, and compete with the idea of finding someone more suitable. If they remain tangled up in their past relationships, trying to find the “good” in a heap of bad, then it’ll be impossible to recover from the “quicksand” relationship, and for them to find their footing.

That said, it’s easy to rationalize why a woman would stay with someone when she’s afraid of being alone. After all, it is difficult to meet new people, and it’s difficult to establish trust within new relationships when a woman feels that she’s been robbed of trust in the past. The hard part about remaining tied to a tumultuous relationship is that a woman will always feel that she will have to explain their relationship to her family and friends, or there’s a chance she won’t be very honest about the trouble in their relationship because she fears the impending “I told you so” because of the hurt that he may have caused in the past.

The decision to recover from a chaotic, unstable situation and pursue healthier relationships is not an easy task. The most painless way to break out of the “break up and make up” cycle is to figure out why the relationship hasn’t worked, and why it won’t ever work. Also, to take each step of the break up one day at a time, and utilize positive relationships available (friends and family). This time, more than any other, is the best time to lean on friends, take time for organizing, change up routines, purge home of relationship triggers, and take up new hobbies. It’s also just important to take time for personal reflection, taking into account, both, negative and positive aspects of the relationship –and understanding why that relationship, or any relationship of its kind, will never be satisfying enough.

 

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  • MALISA

    I had a quarrel with my husband last year November that lead to brake up i was very much unhappy that was how a friend directed me to a man called Dr.Lawrence a spell caster that i contacted my husband came back to me and we both celebrate Xmas and new year with our kids together please help me to thank him for his help his email drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

  • cheekee baby

    That’s the problem, you had nothing going for you socially other than him. Step out of your comfort zone and make some friends so you can build a healthy social life separate from him.

  • Farrah

    I’m kind of depressed right now. After seeming to pursue me again, I put myself out there to get back with my son’s father only to have him reject me. I feel humiliated, but the worst part is the fact that I have to continue dealing with him because we have a son together! Any advice? :(

    • Be Encouraged

      Don’t feel humiliated.. Keep it moving. You have until your child is 18 yrs old trust me it will come back around. Just focus on you and your child and themoment he feels like you’ve moved on he will try you. By then ou should be good :)

      • Farrah

        You were right – I posted a reply to my comment above. Meanwhile, I’ve got almost a year with my current boyfriend, someone who doesn’t play games.

    • cheekee baby

      It’ll be alright, for awhile keep things strictly business. Communicate only about your son keep him at arms length until you have emotionally healed from this.

      • Farrah

        I took your advice – I posted a reply above.

    • Farrah

      I took your advice and started keeping him at arm’s length. Of course, he started to pursue me again, and I continued to ignore him. He pursued me even harder, but I was thoroughly tired of his games at this point, and I was no longer feeling him. I started dating my best friend – and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

  • JDeshae

    Jdeshae writes … going back does come with risks! you have to actually believe that the person has or is willing to change and work past your issues. I left my ex of two years simply because God told me to, and everytime I tried to patch up our relationship I suffered.

  • Mia

    I NEVER do relationship repeats because I have the solution to getting over them. No contact and “fake it till you make it” are truly the only remedies to getting over a break up. After a while you will notice the space they take up in your heart and mind gets smaller and smaller. Also the cold honest realization that he probably isn’t sitting somewhere pining over me helped me to move forward. Although I still consider myself to be in “ex rehab” a relapse is definitely out of the question, and I wish him well!

    • justin

      “No contact, and ‘fake it till you make it’ are truly the only remedies to getting over a breakup.” #truth

  • Over It

    I went throught this last night lol.. Its been a good month and suddenly the rain last night made me almost pick up that phone. He and I both know when the rain falls thats when I need to be around him the most but then I reminded myself that I am two months well into my process and that if I relapsed I would only be breaking my own heart all over again. I don’t like that feeling. Truth is if he wanted to be with me he could but he doesn’t so why bother…

  • SayWhat!

    Second time around is not better than the first time depending on the situation. It’s best to move forward and not backwards and don’t recreate the same scene you was in the last time.

    • Mia

      The only time I’ve seen repeats works is if both parties come together after time apart and they are both willing to acknowledge and fix what went wrong in the relationship the first time.

  • Kitty

    I’m going through this right now in my life. For some pathetic reason I can’t just let it die. No matter how many reasons I give myself… I just can’t resist him. Hopefully this time will be the last because I’m tired of the back and forth.

    • status quo

      I was like you Kitty, but it came to point where was fed up with the foolishness. Then I told him I had enough and it has been 3 months. I couldn’t listen to love song without feeling naseous. I am single and enjoying my single life with myself and my girlfriends.

      • Jdeshae

        Ive been there too many times, you almost become numb. I tell all people men and women who have recently got out of bad relationship to seek God and your loved ones. Don’t hold grudges and believe that your other half is out there somewhere.

    • Mia

      The more you beat up on yourself the more damage you will heap on your self esteem and that will make it harder to get out of the toxic relationship. There is nothing pathetic about you. You are HUMAN and you will be done when you are ready. I treat toxic relationships like the drugs they are and with any “addict” they usually have to hit rock bottom before they clean up their lives. Next time you leave him, consider yourself in rehab getting clean from an awful drug that brings nothing positive to your life. When I used that approach and stop beating myself up it made it easier to move on. Also establishing rock hard immoveable boundaries in your life for the people who wish to be a part of it.
      My best to you sister.

      • cheekee baby

        Good advice Mia.

    • cheekee baby

      You can’t let go because you have made it a forbidden thing and therefore have made it very exciting. Take the thrill of being wrong out of it and suddenly you are left looking at what you really have, convenient sex with someone you feel safe with who has let you down in the past. Not so hot or intriguing huh?

      The main thing I tell women who are trying to move on is to get a new routine. You use to call him after work, you use to hang out every Friday, Find something else to put into those holes you use to fill with him. It’ll get better and easier everyday.