Get Your Money: How To Spare Yourself The Headache Of A Child Support Battle

August 3rd, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Mother and child"

Source: Shutterstock

My friend’s cousin has four kids by three different men. The oldest kid is 9 and the youngest is two. She told me she was looking for a second job because her daughter’s daycare costs were rising, and I asked her if she was getting child support for any of her kids. “Nope. Never have and probably never will,” she replied. After more prodding, I realized that she never even tried. Although each child was a product of a relationship at the time, none of the men know their children today and she’d just let them go, one after the other, without ever soliciting the financial support to raise them.

This perplexed me.

For those of us who pay attention to celebrities, we always hear about these huge child support payments that really sound like “disguised alimony”.

In December 2009, Nas was ordered to pay more than $51,000 per month to his ex-wife, singer Kelis for their son. In February of the same year, Russel Simmons agreed to pay $40,000 per month in child support for his daughters Ming and Aoki with ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons. Earlier this year, a judge reduced P. Diddy’s  $35,000 a month to $19,000 a month in support for his son Justin with ex-girlfriend Misa Hylton-Brim. Actress Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband had a child with a model he says he’d been dating for a mere four months (and had spent as little as seven days with) before she announced she was pregnant. The details of that child support settlement are secret, but rumor has it he’s shelling out 40-grand a month for that child.

In my own experience, after my parents divorced, my dad remained in my life but he also paid child support to my mother for my sister and me. When I was in middle school, my friend’s mom literally gave her daughter the child support check that came in the mail. For so long, I figured that child support is a given, but I’m realizing that it’s not.

Child support is definitely a contentious topic because some parents believe that they’re paying too much or that the money is misappropriated and other parents complain about not getting enough or not getting anything at all.

In fact, when most people think of child support, they think of the supposed tons of men who refuse to pay. Though there are certainly deadbeat dads out there unwilling to support the child they helped create, many women (much like my friend’s cousin) don’t even try to get the help.

According to S.P.A.R.C (Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center):

62% of custodial mothers do not receive child support. However, of that number, three-fourths of them simply do not want child support, have not asked for it, have accepted other financial arrangements instead of child support, the father is deceased, paternity is unknown, the couple lives together or the father does not have the money. Only 11% of those custodial mothers who do not receive child support, is because of “deadbeat dads

More recently in 2009, the Census Bureau found that 50 percent of custodial parents had either legal or informal child support agreements. 92% of those child support agreements were formal agreements, established in court or through a government agency. 8% were informal child support agreements established between the two parents.

August happens to be Child Support Awareness Month and if you’re taking care of a child (or children) on your own, there are four steps you can take to begin collecting financial support for your child:

 1. Talk to the father (or mother) – Communication is key and should always be the first step when possible. You may be able to set up an informal agreement or you may mutually decide to do it through the courts. If communication is not accepted or possible, you can still move forward.

2. Contact your local child support enforcement agency (CSEA) – Child support laws and procedures vary by state, but your local CSEA can at least help point you in the right direction. Make sure you have your child’s information including the SSN and Birth Certificate. (Whether or not both parents signed the birth certificate, you’ll still need it to establish the existence of the child and your relationship to the child.)

3. Get non-custodial parent information – If you have all of the information — name, age, address, place of employment, SSN, DOB, phone number — great! If not, just collect as much as you can and they should be able to get the rest.

4. Be prepared to appear in court – This isn’t always necessary, but it might be in your case. Of course, if going to court would put you in danger, then the department can certainly make adjustments.

The main thing is, try to get child support as soon as possible. The support can’t be applied retroactively, so if you wait until the child is 17 to file, you won’t get back all those years in payments.

If you feel the non-custodial parent can’t pay, it’s still important to file because in the likely event his (or her) fortune changes in the next several years, your child can be financially assisted in the future.

Raising children is expensive (check out this BabyCenter.com calculator for an estimate). We’re talking potentially $235,000 over 17 years expensive, and one parent shouldn’t have to bear the expense alone no matter the circumstances surrounding conception.

If you have a child that you’re taking care of by yourself more power to you! But if you’d like to change that, now is as good a time as ever!

What are your thoughts on child support? Are you surprised there is a month dedicated to it?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

  • Pingback: Child Support: Ingnore The Battle Get The Money | Real Divorce Talk

  • Machelle Kwan

    Can we get some birth control in the black community? I mean really four kids, four baby daddies. Why do these women do this to themselves.

  • Pingback: Phone Actress Employment | Perpitube

  • Erika

    I read this article right on time! My son is 5 (turning 6 in November) and I am tired of the bull and the games. I plan to file child support on my BD monday morning! I am a graduate student and a fulltime mother. Been working through temp agencies off and on for the past two years. I gave my son’s father PLENTY of times to pay and see his son. I’m tired of the excuses. I feel so ashamed because I feel like I should have done this before now…. better late than never. My son deserves better than this. Get you money LADIES because kids cannot get fed off of empty promises and dumb excuses!!

  • Natalynn

    I would entertain thinking about it from a man’s perspective, but I have work, my school, my son’s school, keeping a roof over both our heads, food in both our stomachs AND clothes on both our backs to entertain first–that and the fact that even though I’m doing what I can in order to educate myself to get a better job, being a black woman means I will most likely be paid less than my male counterparts and caucasian female contemporaries for doing the exact same thing so in respect to the child support struggle on the opposite side of the coin–my give a damn’s busted.

  • real rap

    as a black man, i will admitt that child support court is slanted toward women but i have NO respect for men who do not support their children–EMOTIONALLY or FINANCIALLY. the slant of the court would be irrelevant if u bruthas would ‘man up’ and handle ur biz. being a man is NOT defined by how many women u sleep with or how many kids u have…real men are defined by caring for and protecting those u bring into the word REGARDLESS of how foul u think she is. u should’ve checked ur libido and thought about what kind of women she was BEFORE u chose to sleep with her.

    • CA Pullen

      you said a mouthful.

  • quest

    There are so many woman/girls afraid to take their childs father to court. These men/boys will promise relationships with them and get their hopes up. And the women/girls don’t want to upset them. I have been there. Take him to court and get your child some financial support. You know you and your child need the money. Further more stop letting these men get away with not taking financial responsibility for their children. Your the one already raising the child alone at least get the financial help. And then there are the men/boys that take financial responsibilty, this does not apply to you.

  • Laurenizims

    i would love to see this story from a man’s point of view. my bf is recently employed after a 2 1/2 yr search and a stint in trade school for which he now owes student loans. not to mention we live in ga with one of the highest u/e rates. he currently owes child support for three children (two mothers) and is only working a temp job as he is unable to find steady work. i myself (no children by the way) am stuck at a decent job because i am unable to find work in my field. he is absolutely unable to pay what the courts are asking and they threaten him with jail time when he gets behind. how can he pay support if he is in jail? how does that help the children? they suspended his drivers license (yes…they can/will do that for unpaid child support) so he cant get to most job interviews outside of the metro system. i have only experienced this from his point of view as his children live outside of our state, but i consider myself an educated black woman and even i have to say that the system is pretty f’d up. my bf brought home a $23 check today…the rest went to his children. he is doing what he can to make things right. so often we discuss this subject from the woman’s perspective. like i said, i would like to see if other black men are having similar experiences. i’m not taking sides but aristotle said it is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

    • ????

      are you slow or something? why are you even still with him, it shows he is irresponsible. 2 mothers , 3 kids, what are you waiting for to be the third babymama? he will never be able to contribute to any marriage you all have. get a clue. he should have married one of them . he can’t afford a love life right now.

      • Girl bye

        I couldn’t have said it better! That “man” ain’t ready or responsible enough to be in any love relationship. So if he can’t help support his children then he should’ve been more responsible. They chose to have unprotected sex. Sex period. You know the consequences of sex. Since he lives out of state he’s not providing any emotional/physical support ie keeping the kids so the moms don’t have to pay daycare since he was unemployed for so long.

    • deadbeat police

      adding to what that other person said . you know you’re in a loser position right? if he marries you , you will be helping to pay that back child support. if he gets you pregnant you will be fourth in line. meaning your child will get crumbs. you need to not look for male advice. trying to get sympathy for your situation. to make you feel validated . you need to wise up and get another man.

    • Nikki

      I hate to sound uncaring to his and your plight but he should have thought about that BEFORE having all those kids. If he wasn’t ready to take care of kids then he should have wrapped it up from jump. Just know should the two of you decide to get married they will garnish your paycheck too.

      • MLS2698

        Hallelujahrrr. * in my Madea voice*

    • Machelle Kwan

      Hon, it sounds like you need to cut the dead weight pronto. If you marry this dude, they’re gonna reach over into your pocketful. Bump “love” and look out for yourself.

    • MLS2698

      I don’t agree with them suspending a person’s license when they need it to get to work. But you need to think more about yourself, since you have no kids. Don’t mean to be rude, but he is not worth it. I have seen this before, and you will end up paying the child support just to keep him out of jail and next to you. You can do bad by yourself.

  • Tisha

    I filed a month after my son was born and dad would not cooperate. Needless to say I have an order for $1000.00 a month! The kids deserve what is due to them.

  • CairosMom

    Why does your cousin and other women believe that they will never receive child support? That’s what I’m interested in. I don’t think women don’t apply because they don’t know how to. What are their reasons? I know you can’t interview every single mom who doesn’t receive support.
    Not having an agreement is not an option for me. My child has 2 parents and we will both contribute time and money.
    Anyone have any thoughts? I really would like to know.

    • Nikki

      True story. I worked with someone who’s child’s father would purposely raise his exemptions so he would owe money to the gov’t every year so he couldn’t have child support taken out. SMH. Sure he would have gone into arrears if she continued the fight, but when you need money now it just seems like a lost cause. Another reason why people might think it’s not possible is because in some ways the courts make the process extremely difficult. I know someone else who despite having all of the work and home information just could not get this negro served. He avoided the sheriff and the special deliveries from the post office, fed ex, etc. By this time she was out of significant money. The court couldn’t help her because he was not served although she showed her many attempts.

  • MLS2698

    Sooo many women don’t get the child support they are owed because they are afraid to take the men to court ( some men know their children), and feel that the men will stop communicating with the children altogether if the courts step in. I say, get your child’s money, and worry about the rest later. My mother never got a red cent for me, but when I got divorced, she said, ” don’t let a man promise to put money in your hand, because my own father NEVER paid his child support ( her father).” Just let me say, I was the first to stop that cycle, and the courts are my friends. My grandmother never got her support, my mother never even filed, but I got my child support and alimony. And I don’t PLAY bout my money!

    • Guest

      Ok you stopped that cycle, how ’bout your child stopping the divorce cycle?

      • Nikki

        Completely uncalled for especially considering you don’t know the reason behind any of the divorces. Staying together just for the sake of being married is worse than getting divorced. Worse for the married partner and worse for any children that may be there. Not all marriages are entered without serious thought and not all divorces are a bad thing.

        • MLS2698

          Thanks NIKKI, I guess some women will stay at all cost. Even if it kills them.

      • MLS2698

        They all cheated, sweetie. And I ain’t nobody’s fool. And I love being STD/HIV/AIDS free. You see, I am from the first generation of women who had HIV hanging over their heads, and the task of avoiding it.