So He Asked You On A House Date, Innocent Move Or Intimacy Ploy?

August 3rd, 2012 - By madamenoire

By Ronnie Ann Ryan

My client Kendra met Mike through an online dating site. The first date went great. Kendra found Mike attractive, a good conversationalist and friendly. She felt comfortable with him and thought he had serious potential.

Mike sent Kendra an email the next day saying he had a nice time. Then, three days later, he emailed Kendra offering to cook dinner for her. This proposition put Kendra in a quandary.

She thought it was sweet that he offered to cook for her, but she didn’t feel comfortable going to his house for the second date. Something about this made her feel nervous, so she emailed me for online dating advice.

“What should I tell Mike?” Kendra asked me. “I’m not ready to go to his house for dinner. What do you think?”

I think Kendra is smart. Her instincts told her not to go because it’s too soon for an intimate dinner. That might be date six or eight depending on who you are. But date two is too soon. I responded to Kendra that I didn’t think she should go. If she did go, she’d probably be “dessert.”

Check out coach Ryan’s advice for how to get out of sticky house date situations on YourTango.com.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

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perfectlyimperfect66

i’m mpt going to a man’s house unless i want to have sex period. house dates to me are for ppl who have established a relationship.
http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

I think any man that is using only dating is probably dating many other women. So assuming that a man is going to invest in 8 dates for one lady is not realistic. It is not about money….There are many other ladies that he will needs to SCREEN as well.
- FStubbs
  
  Depends. The guys you may respond to on online dating may be screening, but the majority of us are lucky if we ever get a date from online dating. Men vastly outnumber women on these sites.
MLS2698

Lol! He pulled it out and gave you a preview that first night. A week later…..score! My mother told me the details about how she got pregnant with me in the living room, while my granny was upstairs. When it got late, grandma banged on the floor to let my mom know that her “company” had to leave, but that V-card had slid off the deck by then. I think granny fell asleep on the job.
- http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker
  
  Yea he did smh that was 1 of the best days of my life tho Lol Wow that’s crazy!!Lol
gmarie

intimacy ploy. always assume.
MsJan

I’m still focused on the fact that he has a house. That’s a lot better than inviting you to his Mama’s basement where some of these fools still live. Yep, using the washing machine as a nightstand and everything. The *door* to his crib changes with the laundry!
MLS2698

The only reason to go on a ” house date ” so soon is for the ” sticky.” IJS
Smacks_hoes

This has nothing to do with the article whatsoever but I would like to get opinions on what people think about moving in with a boy or fiancé before marriage. I was hoping you guys would write and article on this topic but no such luck……I need insight. Is it a bad move or not really?
- MLS2698
  
  I thought you were holding yourself for marriage? It really depends on your values, and really, each person is different. But if you plan on keeping your virginity, moving in is not the way; wait until your honey moon. Don’t give of yourself on a pledge to ” move in ” because there is no commitment in that. That’s if you are asking for yourself.
  - Smacks_hoes
    
    I’m trying to keep myself pure until marriage. It’s one of my goals. I pray for strength in that aspect because my flesh is so darn weak. I don’t even have a boyfriend so ig I’m not really asking for myself in particular I’m just curious on people’s opinion on the subject. Thanks for your insight.
    - NaturalJem
      
      I say after marriage for biblical reasons since no commitment for their union was made before God. But also because it’ll seem like they’re just playing “house” like children do when they imitate the husband, wife and kids concept.
    - MLS2698
      
      Don’t say that your flesh is weak because evil spirits have ears ( be careful what you watch on TV, too) . I have been celibate for six years, and, same as you, no male friend. I will have been divorced for 5 years, plus the year it takes in my state to be separated. Try to keep a circle of friends who believe in what you believe; or else it will be a complete disaster. Women who live with men, and engage in intimate activities for gratification will not support you in your journey. I learned early how to not be a ” baby mama,” and to stay out of the abortion clinics. I made a vow to God, but I suggest that if a person does struggle, please stay on BC pills, and keep condoms nearby because we are still HUMAN. You can do it because I have seen your previous post about ” hanging in there.”
      - TeahMonae
        
        @MLS2698 I respect your decision to remain celibate. My only problem with your statement is, “Women who live with men, and engage in intimate activites for gratification will not support you in your journey.”
        I lived with my husband before marrying him and I wasn’t celibate before marriage and I would NEVER discourage my friends from what they believed in. I have a really good friend who is a virgin (over 30 years old) and I think that is absolutely awesome and I respect her a lot for that. I understand that sometimes peer pressure and other factors come into play but if someone is truly your friend they would do nothing but support you in your journey. I’m sorry that you have encountered women who didn’t support you.That’s sad.
        
        MLS2698
        
        You’re a good friend, and more mature than most. And my rules are a little more strict than most, so I only need the support of God in most cases. I have had several discussions with women who complain about situations with men, but they keep handling problems the same way, with s e x, and more complaints. Celibacy works for me, and always has.
        
        Smacks_hoes
        
        I think you made a very valid point even though it just so happens that my 3 real friends are all virgins. We all encourage each other to stay strong and not fall into temptation so I’m happy that I have great friends to share my journey with me and actually no what I’m going through.
    - TeahMonae
      
      I didnt see that you were trying to keep yourself pure until marriage until after I answered your original question so what I was saying to you probably has no merit and doesnt apply to you! It would be very hard to live with your partner and not engage in sexual intercourse. Not saying it would be impossible, but it would be difficult!
    - curiosity.killed.the.cat
      
      I studied psychology as my major in college and we actually had a chapter on premarital cohabitation and this is research (not me!) Says that it is a bad idea unless you are engaged bc at least then there is a comittment to the futuree together. In bf/gf situations, the future is somewhat more tentative. But that’s just what research says…so I’d say it may be better to hold off unless you have been w/ the guy for a substantial amt. Of time and can see a future with him.
      - MLS2698
        
        I think Smacks has it under control. But you know darn well, most people who have not studied psychology will not believe you; they are going to listen to their ” friend” from around the way.
- olivia
  
  Bad move. Not just for biblical reasons.
  
  Let him establish a home of his own, marry you and bring you in. Not the other way around. Never get serious with a man looking to play house and split bills.
  
  Please take my advice…
- TeahMonae
  
  Really depends on the situation and “to each his own.” My husband and I lived together before marriage so I’ll try to give you the good and the bad. The good- I moved into his place and he paid all the bills so I didnt have much to lose financially if it didnt work out. I think living together helped us begin our marriage on a solid foundation because after we got married, we didn’t have those “getting used to each other’s habits, quirks, and pet peeve” arguments because by that time we had been living together and knew all of that. When I got married, I felt like I knew what I was getting into; we had established roles and responsibilities and knew what we expected from one another, so we didn’t have alot of the same problems some of my friends experienced during their honeymoon stage. It’s so funny, and my husband and I laugh because we’ve had friends and family( who didn’t live together before marriage) come to us during their first couple of years of marriage for marital advice and their “problems” are not really problems at all. Usually petty stuff! Just general “getting used to living with this person” kind of stuff. The kind of stuff my husband and I bickered over when we first moved in together. One of my friends was even questioning if she should have married her husband. They were considering counseling and separation and I’m like, ” Hold up! It’s not that serious. You’re arguing over dishes or who didn’t take the trash out or whatever.” And she’s like, ” I can’t live with him!” lol So yeah, I don’t care how well you know someone or how much time you spend with them, nothing is like living with them everyday! The bad- 1. As soon as you move in together, people start asking you when you’re getting married and its really annoying 2. Luckily, I didnt have negative comments from friends and family and my parents have always trusted my judgement and let me make my own decisions even if they didn’t agree, but you may encounter some backlash especially if your parents believe strongly that “shacking up” is immoral. ( I was terrifed to tell my parents I was moving in with him, but they were bascially like,
  ” We don’t agree, but you’re grown and we can’t stop you, we’ll pray for you. lol) 3. After the wedding and honeymoon, we moved into a new house, but other than that it didn’t feel “new” or “different” and I was kinda disappointed because I thought it would feel different somehow because “now we’re married”, but nope, it felt exacty the same. I remember people would ask me, “How’s married life?” and I’m like, just like “living together life!” lol. So in essence it takes some of the excitement away from the whole newlywed thing when you’ve already been living together. All in all, I don’t regret my decision and as I said, its a personal choice and every situation is different. I had always said that I would never live with a man before getting married but obviously I didn’t stick to that!
  - MLS2698
    
    Sounds like a winner. I have a rule not to give wedding gifts to people who are already living together, because they are already established, but rather, I wish them the best, and a happy marriage.
- cheekee baby
  
  I would never move in with a boyfriend. A fiancee with a ring on the finger and firm date for the nuptials in place then yes. Anything short of a commitment of marriage is just a romantic roommate.
NaturalJem

Lol sounds much better than “wanna come over to watch some dvd’s.” But both questions are inappropriate to be asked for a 2nd date or 3rd, 4th etc. unless you really know and are comfortable with the person.
Ms. Blue

Naw Boo! No house dates till the 4th or 5th date!
http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

Date 6 or 8?
Who’s going to pay for those dates? And most importantly, do you ladies think a man who uses online dating is dating only one woman?
It is really good that you and the man you’re dating establish a comfortable level for both of you. Just tell me who’s going to pay for all those dates first…
- NaturalJem
  
  It can be a really cheap date or one where you don’t have to spend at all….such as going out for ice cream or coffee, picnic, walk in the park, mall, museums, hangout by a bay or lake, etc.
olivia

This has happened to me before and sometimes I go other times I have not. It depends mostly on the man who is doing the inviting.

Furthermore, despite what he may think or want, we are not getting intimate if I do not feel its the right time anyway, House date or not.
GalaxyEmpress

Don’t go to his house unless you’re trying to have sex, that’s usually the only reason he’d invite you there. He can’t have sex with you at the mall, the movies, a restaurant, or any other public place but at his house??? Oh, yeah it’s on!! I’ve heard that some of these lames are now using magic to get sex from women, so be careful.
She Speaks

For Colored Girls…
- olivia
  
  I was thinking the same thing…
  - NaturalJem
    
    lol me too
- MLS2698
  
  Yes! first thing I thought. I was always taught to meet in public places, and don’t be indecisive of naive when it comes to being alone with a man; it usually means sex. Date rape happens more than you think.
  - MLS2698
    
    should be ” or ” naive. How do I edit on this site?
nia

I think it was good that she didn’t go over to his home for the second date. She barely knows him and accepting his invite would have probably given him the wrong idea.
Kayo

House date = I am trying to get your relaxed enough to have sex with me.

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